Did you know that when I was growing up I actually wished on some weird horrible mind fucked level that I would be raped just so that I could feel someone “loving” me? I bet you are shocked, but it’s true. Whilst other 13 year old girls were out being happy and holding hands with school crushes I wasn’t allowed to do much. Also I had no idea how to be normal with normal people. Compassion, boundaries, feeling emotions and dealing with them and working through them is something I knew nothing about… So I didn’t have friends of boyfriends. I didn’t have a mom I could have coffee with and open up to about my feelings. And my dad well get wasn’t available. Emotions were a dirty word and being loved meant being fed, having a roof over your head, clothes in your cupboard and if you were really good… some extra murial activities being paid for and transport for those activities being arranged for. So I had ballet and homework and gat was the sum total of my existence. I was destined to be someone great, but not yet good enough to deserve unconditional love or for that matter any sort of emotional support. Life, in that way, was hard I guess. I was constantly ‘difficult, emotional, sensitive, weird.’ My parents couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be a good little robot child.
I’ve come a long way from being that nonexistent person… I’ve started to develop a personality, gotten to know and trust myself at least a bit, built the foundations for some very strong amazing friendships… And now I am husband less, homeless, living with my family, in the room that I had my first suicide attempt in… Friendless, not allowed to leave the house. Right back where I started and due to corona I have to stay here for the next 21 days and I’m scared. I think I might be starting to resent my parents aubconsiously, which is really bad because I am grateful so grateful for their financial and physical support during this divorce, but at the same time I think that since they know they can’t give me what I need emotionally to be a healthy human being they should at least have the decency to realise that if they don’t let me go so I can go find and source my own emotional support I will cease to exist and that won’t be fun for any of us.
The shocking truth is life is hard and messy and grey, so grey, not black and white, but I want and deserve a life worth living.