Just ramblings and updates

Hey You,

It’s been a while. I’ve been going through so much. I’m not sure why, but my life sometimes seems or feels like on extended crisis.

My parents left today, after visiting us for a week. I miss them. I think what I miss most is the sense of security they bring with them every time they visit.

I’m getting older. When I was younger I kind of enjoyed doing new things, feeling like I’m working towards something amazing – something big. I didn’t need that much security. Now it feels like I do.

It’s strange. In some ways, I think I have a really good life. I work from home. Right now, we earn a decent amount of money – basically what I was earning before when I was lecturing full-time. It’s not guaranteed every month, but it is enough for us to get by and have a decent life.

I have a roof over my head. I have a person in my life that seems to want to be with me and build a business with me. There are potential future opportunities for the business that could turn out great.

I’m teaching dance for the first time really, like on a consistent contract at a studio. I love dancing.

So if everything is going so great, why do I feel so stressed all the time?

I just got offered a new job, great pay, but I would have to move provinces and I don’t think I would have time for doing everything that needs to be done in order to build out our own business. I’d have to give up teaching dance. I’d have to give up the place we’re staying in at the moment – which is kind of sponsored by my parents.

I don’t know. I just wish I was further along, doing better, had more security. I don’t need a fancy house or lifestyle. The lifestyle I got right now is pretty decent, but I would like more financial security and I would like to be in a position to have a child. I want a family of my own. I would like to feel less alone and what better way to feel less alone than to birth a human being that is permanently attached to you for the rest of your life?

My parents are also getting older. What would happen if they weren’t there anymore? Then I won’t really have anyone to love me? Well, maybe my brother does love me, but we don’t really chat that often. And I think my new person does care about me, but he doesn’t say it often, and he’s also a lot older than me.

He is 45, I’m almost 34. If I wanted to have a child the time for that is running out.

I wish I could be more calmer, happier, more chill, accept things more as they are and just go with it… you know, be happy. Instead I seem to be fighting an uphill battle every day – whether its there or not. How do I even change that?

I want to embrace more of my immediate life, definitely establish a more healthy, more fulfilling routing, work more on cultivating a positive mindset.

Can I try each morning:

1. 60 minutes dancing
2. 60 minutes listening to mindset podcasts while coloring or crocheting

Can I try each evening:
3. Talking to ChatGPT and Wysa/ planning out my life/ working through what I’m feeling, any thinking errors and reframing for a better balanced perspective

I feel like there needs to be a bigger shift though.

Maybe I’ll see if I can find a workbook to work through that can help me.

Have you ever felt like this?