I just have to say – I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU. You’ve been through so much this week – and you managed to survive! Not only that, but you didn’t let one revenue-producing ball drop, you still delivered your lectures. Even when the ER doctor misdiagnosed you, and you were feeling like dog shit and the confusion was at its worst, you managed to keep enough of a level head to figure out that you actually have a kidney infection – and then you got yourself the right treatment.
And now I am probably going to be OKAY – because of you!
I really appreciate you looking after me this well. And I adore the new dinner boxes you’ve ordered for us. They’re amazing, tasty, convenient. I didn’t even have to cook this whole week and won’t have to cook the weekend and there isn’t a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. And Blue Eyes is still alive and there’s an easy option for him to eat something healthy and filling whenever he gets hungry.
I know I don’t say this often, and I probably should say it more, and I probably should be a little less hard on you (or sometimes even a lot), but I think you are a FREAKING ROCKSTAR. You are such a strong woman. You’re resilient, you’re beautiful, you’re drop-dead gorgeous – inside and out. Sometimes I don’t even know how you keep it all together, but you do! You’re amazing and I’m so thankful to have you in my life!
Please read this letter whenever you’re feeling down or out or alone – because you’re not. I care about you and I think you’re amazing. And I want you to know that we’ll always get through whatever we need to go through – together! We are some of the strongest people in this world – I can promise you.
Now please just take the rest of the weekend off. Rest, recover, enjoy. You’ve earned it. I love you. Take care of you. Speak soon.
Lots of Love,
Ariel
PS: This is the first letter written in this style – to me, by me. I learned this from my first therapist. Sometimes it helps to imagine you as if you are a friend of yourself. What would you say? Today this is what I would say. I hope it helps you too…whoever you are.
I’m still looking for friends to share this journey with me… I want it to be one of raising awareness, sharing hope, sharing ideas, sharing love, inspiring… and having a place to turn to when you’re down. Feel free to drop a comment or message me if you’re going through anything. Maybe I’ll write a letter to you next. 🙂
Sending love and vibrance your way.
PPS: Lesson learned – If you ever have severe nausea, thirst, and fatigue, struggle to concentrate, and backache and you get a pregnancy test and it’s negative – you might have a freaking kidney infection! Get medical help immediately. They can do urine tests and other things to confirm.
I started working with a new therapist via Wysa today. I’m trying out text therapy for the first time. It sounds like a good idea. I mean it’s not really like having a therapist it’s more like having a very overqualified coach. She can’t go into any trauma and grief work with me because that can be triggering and quite difficult to deal with over text, but she can help me work on my self-esteem, attempt to lower my anxiety, and teach me some ways to better regulate and process my emotions.
I mean as someone with BPD this is probably something I do need so I’m gonna give it a go. I would very much like to not see my in-person therapist anymore. I think I figured out that she doesn’t really have my best interest at heart. She wants to get a psychiatrist involved. And she said some things that upset me a little bit. Like she kept going on about the fact that we haven’t really gotten into any trauma therapy or anything yet because there have been large gaps in therapy.
Well, it’s not my fault that I had long Covid. If she did video therapy we could’ve still had our sessions over Zoom, but she doesn’t. And whenever I need to move a therapy session I have to wait two weeks to book another one, but I never moan about that.
And she also once asked me if I shouldn’t maybe just get a job, like she doesn’t believe in my business. Nope, now that I’m writing that down I’m pretty sure she doesn’t get me and she doesn’t deserve me as a client. I’m leaving.
She also forgot that I’m logging my mood on Wysa and when I asked her if she can give me something that I can work through in order to do what I need to do (and I still don’t know what that is) she gave me some stupid sheet she copied from a workbook on writing out your life’s vision.
It’s like we are making no progress and I think I’ve given her more than enough time to start making some things shift. All that’s happening is that I’m having more nightmares and anxiety, which also makes me think that she doesn’t have my best interest at heart. And she once asked me ‘so what’s your excuse this time.’ when I was telling her how hard it is to fit gym into my schedule.
I mean some of her suggestions have been helpful, but I can’t work with a therapist that doesn’t believe in my business. We’re doing some really good work and she hasn’t even bothered to try to understand that or what I do in the business. Just the other day she asked me if it was worth it – the work I was putting into my business.
I’ll work with the Wysa person, try to write more on here and stuff, and maybe try to figure out what I should be writing about in order to get rid of my trauma and to work through what I need to work through (any suggestions would be appreciated).
Anyway – so the reason for this post – the Wysa person gave me homework. I have anxiety about things on my to-do list. Mainly, I feel anxious when making calls on prioritizing tasks on my list – no matter how I organize it, because I never trust that I’m making the right choice. It’s gotten to the point where it’s a paralyzing fear of mine. I’m constantly scared that I’m spending my time on the wrong things, that I’m going to ruin our business, that I’m making the wrong choices, that I’m letting people down… All that even before I get to START doing the things on my list!
So I’m supposed to challenge those unhelpful thoughts, by making a list of everything that is true about me, my work ethic, and my decision-making skills. Then I can read those truths when anxiety is lying to me…
I thought I’d do it here because you know… I like to share with you what I’m doing…and who knows, maybe it helps you too. It’s hard though – I’m not gonna lie. I find it difficult to say positive things about myself… but I’m supposed to remember that I’m focusing on real truths, like indisputable facts. Things that don’t change along with my mood, but remain true no matter what happens in the rest of my life. That’s such a new thought process for me, but okay… here goes. Let me try…
The indisputable truths about me, my business, and decision-making skills are that:
(Oh my gosh I’m already thinking about a whole list of negative truths, but I’m gonna persevere through the discomfort and just write the damn list.)
Screw it, I’m taking a coffee break first.
Okay, I’m back. Let’s just do this.
The indisputable truths about me, my business, and decision-making skills are that:
I teach Corporate Governance and Business Ethics at MBA level (and I’ve earned the respect, admiration, and gratitude of quite a few cohorts of students that have documented this in their reviews of me).
My first business’s business model won me a local nomination as one of the Top 35 under 35 Chartered Accountants in my Country.
I did build my first business from having 0 clients to 60 clients in under 6 months.
I did build my first business to the million Rand turnover mark within the first two years of having it.
I did build my second business to the million Rand turnover mark within the first two years of having it, and because of the help from my business partner, it is set up to be much more scaleable than the first one.
We are able to, at the moment, and have been for about 8 months now, comfortably cover our monthly costs, and some luxuries and experiences with the kids.
I did help some of my clients in the new business grow their own businesses exponentially. One grew from 1 client to 12 in 3 months. Another got retrenched and went from no revenue to 140% of his previous salary in 6 months.
I have been a part of all the decision-making for our business up to this date. In fact, most decisions are informed by me.
And okay fine – while I’m thinking about this. Yes, I was the person that chose my ex-husband. And he did abuse me. And everyone did warn me that he was no good. And I still chose him. BUT – I ALSO CHOSE TO LEAVE HIM. I was also the person to choose to leave for good. And I was also the person that chose my new person – blue eyes – and he’s been NOTHING but good to me.
And I do feel bad that I allowed him to abuse my dogs. I do, but I know better now. And I will never let that happen again. Not on my watch.
Does that count?
Maybe I’ll do a better job of compiling future lists… I’ll keep trying anyway.
It drives me nuts that I’m almost wondering if he is okay, if he needs more of me if he needs a hug… Oh shit, he’s not responding to me. What if he hates me? He hasn’t hugged me in like 10 minutes. I wonder what I did wrong.
I need to work on all of that shit. Currently, I’m just attempting to bring my attention back to me more… When I catch myself getting anxious I try and explore it a bit… Why? And lately, now that I’m noticing it, the answer is usually that I’m wondering about Blue Eyes…
What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s cold? What if he’s dying? I mean he coughed more than once… What if, what if, what if he leaves me? What then? What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if he never did?
Even as I’m writing about it I can feel the anxiety sitting in my throat… like a big nasty bullfrog – eating away at my self-confidence. It’s really difficult being so scared…
Maybe if I remind myself that I was just as scared before leaving my ex-husband. I thought I would rather kill myself than try to live without him… And then I met blue eyes. And the thought of being with my husband started seeming more bearable. Not nice, or even okay, but bearable. Like I didn’t have to die, bearable.
It’s like I’m always living on the edge – waiting for you to leave me.
He always tells me that he wouldn’t fuck me if he wasn’t attracted to me. And he’s not yet said that he loves me. Maybe he someday will. He’s got his own baggage, I know. I just wish there was some kind of – any kind of – confirmation from his side.
But he says that he would never have gone to this much trouble if I wasn’t important to him. And he makes sure that I know that he’s faithful to me. I love him. I do.
We had the best day ever. Well, it was really good. We went on to meet up and found a group meeting up for a Poetry lunch. I shared some poetry. He got involved in the conversation. We both laughed a lot. There were some really nice people there – all misfits and weirdos that we shared a meal with.
Now I’m going to bed and hoping for the best for tomorrow. But I wanted to just document this day, becue my goal going forward is to have more days like today. and to remember that days like today literally only happen when I let go of my anxiety, stop being so freaking fearful and anxious, open my eyes, and concentrate on making myself happy – meeting my own needs o that I’m pleasant to be around and not a drain or anxious shackle. I gotta just remember to think about and attempt to meet my own need first. Blue Ey will understand, in fact, he’ll probably be happy and follow suit, doing the same for himself.
So I wanted to document that goal so you can help keep me accountable.
Thank you again so much for listening to me. And for being here with me every step of the way – while I figure out life’s sticky situation.
The poetry I read today in the poetry lunch club was from this blog. And I realize that if you weren’t here and listening to me, I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to document any of it. It was so cool being able to just pull pieces of poetry from the blog and when people ked bout the timeline I could just give it to them. Obviously, I didn’t share the blog. No one knows it was me. My physical self remains completely hidden from you, but my emotional self is all in – and so grateful for having met you.
I feel like a piece of me died when I left my ex husband. I am worried that I will never be able to love again.
At the moment I am kind of in a relationship with a new person. He is wonderful, but its not the same. I’m not in love. I could LOVE him. He is LOVEABLE. I SHOULD be able to fall in love with him and love him, but the truth is… I’m not in love and I don’t love him.
I care about him. I think he is a great person. I want to fall in love with him… and at the same time there is something so broken inside of me… I’m not sure if I even still have the capacity for love. This makes me very sad. What makes me even more sad is thinking that for him, it is probably the same, because he was in love before and he was forced to leave her as well and I know that broke him into a thousand pieces.
How can you ever love again after that? Is there life after love?
When I met my ex-husband it was like I was struck by lightning. I know he felt the same when he met his ex. I was so in love. Everything was rosy and beautiful. The sky became more blue. The world was a better place. All I wanted to do was be with this person.
Everything was fun and funny. We had the best adventures. We held hands. My love was returned. We wrote poems to each other. We declared our undying love for each other. We painted together. We faced tough times together and survived. Everything was worth fighting for. I could climb mountains and survive being drowned by life because he was there and he was my everything. Everything.
And now he’s gone.
Slowly, over the years, while I stayed in love, he started falling out of love with me. It was evident in the way he treated me, but I didn’t want to notice. We stopped holding hands. We stopped going on adventures together. He stopped wanting to have sex. He told me everything was my fault and that God was angry with me. He alienated me from God, my family, friends and most of all…from myself.
I stopped taking care of myself. I started feeling very lonely and eventually worthless to the point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I still loved him. Things got worse. I would try to cook for us. He would refuse to eat the food I made. I would work 16 hour days, he would do nothing but sleep and drink and play games or whatever.
I felt resentful, but I made excuses in my head for him until the resentment went away. I would spent nights worrying about when he is coming home, if he is coming home. We never did fun or nice things together anymore. I bought a datebox subscription. He refused to complete the datebox tasks with me.
I kept working. I cut my hair short. I never wore makeup. I wasn’t pretty anymore.
Then the physical abuse started. A lot of shouting and being yanked around. I didn’t feel safe. And that one night when I went to fetch him we got into an argument and things got really bad. Our next door neighbour had to intervene. I was so glad that the next door neighbour was here because I was terrified.
He stood over me shouting and kicking at me. Like i was worthless, like he hated me, like everything was somehow my fault. I still loved him. I still remained loyal. I still worked hard. I tried everything. I paid for his therapy, my therapy and couples therapy. Nothing worked. Nothing brought back the man that I had fallen in love with, the man that I was fighting for was gone.
And then on that morning we had spent the night arguing. He wanted the tenants to leave so it would be just us in the house. I didn’t want that to happen. I was afraid. He picked up the phone and called my parents to tell them that I had gone crazy and they need to have me committed.
My dad said to leave my clothes, grab my wallet, get an uber and get on the next plane out of there. I obeyed. I left. My ex told the tenants and the neightbours and my business partners that he had sent me to my parents to have me committed. He also called my psychologist, the one that had helped me deal with my traumatic childhood and told her that I was crazy. He called the one friend I had and told her too.
Everyone believed him, except for the one tenant (the one that saved me that night), my one friend (whom I had met when we were both in a mental hospital recovering from our traumatic childhoods) and the psychologist who had treated me. The psychologist phoned me to check that I was okay and tell me about his weird behaviour, the friend told him she had spoken to me already and I was fine, the tenant, well he was there for me throughout this whole process although he desperately wanted me to come back and not permanently move back in with my parents.
He was so sweet. He was the only person that really helped me through all of this. Even my parents were considering if maybe I had gone crazy or not. They actually called the tenant to confirm that I was not crazy.
But I never fell out of love with my ex. And now I’m in a new relationship with the tenant (the one that saved me that night and that was there for me throughout and that continues to be there for me), but I’m struggling to love him.
Why is that? Will I ever recover from this? Are you sad for me? Are you hopeful? How do you feel about my story and how it could possibly turn out? Please let me know. I could really use a friend right now.
I’m so sorry I haven’t checked in for such a long time… What can I say… life got busy… again.
Anyway, how’ve you been?
I’d really like to commit to writing more regularly to you. I really need more good friends in my life and also more helpful discussions.
About a week ago I experienced the most horrible burnout symptoms . I had headaches and I felt like… why am I even trying? Everyone just wants to take everything from me as soon as I create it so I might as well just give up now if I don’t do something about it.
The reason why I felt like this was because my new partner’s son crashed my car into a pole. It was such a shock. I wasn’t mad at him but I did expect that either him or at least my new partner would deal with the consequences (aka get the car fixed), but instead my new partner spent all his time making his son feel ‘better’ about the crash, like it was normal, which I guess is good parenting, but I just ended up feeling left out, lonely and used.
Right now my new partner is carrying out the repairs on the car. I had to pay for the tools and materials for the repair, but at least my partner is fixing it. The son said he would help with the repair, but I haven’t seen him lift a finger to help his dad. He did help clean the house though.
The son eventually said he would’ve paid for the repairs if he could, but he didn’t have any money in his account. The reason for that is that he doesn’t have a job and he is too busy playing playstation the whole day to find one.
He eats a lot too. I bought muesli on Tuesday and had like one or two helpings. Today when I checked the muesli was done. Its a difficult sitation. The kid is fresh out of school and I feel so much empathy for my partner. It must be killing him that he needs to get this kid to launch, and at the same time he just wants to keep the kid close and have a family (I think). I think if I was in his situation that is how I would feel.
Anyway, this has been causing a lot of emotional turmoil on my side. Because you know how hard I work. I’m literally always working, just to try to get a little bit ahead in life – but it feels like I’m paddling, paddling to keep from drowing and then everytime I get close to the surface an extra weight gets added to my ankles. Like someone keeps moving the goalposts and I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up.
And I want to shout and kick at them and say “Can’t you see I also get tired? Can’t you see how close I am to giving up? Don’t I deserve just at least a little bit of a break? Just take the extra weight away!” But I can’t, because in this case the extra weight is a kid.
All I can do, is try to take better care of myself, try to communicate how I’m feeling, try to communicate the facts and the boundaries and then keep paddling for dear life.
I really hope I will get somewhere someday soon though. I also feel that it is extra bad because I’ve been paddling for so long… My ex-husband didn’t work. I was forced to resign from my cushy uni lecturing job. I ended up becoming an entrepreneur. I did okay. I tried to bring people into the business to help me. I lost all my savings. I got partners on board who were happy to do as little as possible while I do most of the work but we got paid the same salaries from the business I started!
You know what, I guess I am mad at myself for letting all of that happen. I didn’t protect myself at all and I just kept making excuses for all the people around me. And I got taken advantage of, again and again and again. And the results of that is that… I’m still paddling.
And I’m close to drowning and even though there is, for the first time in my life, so many hands reaching out trying to help me reach the surface, I’m not sure if I’ll make it. Even more so I’m not sure if I even trust the hands that are trying to help me because what if all they actually want to do is take more from me.
I don’t even have that much more left to give… How much more could you possibly want to take from me?
I’m deeply sad over what happened to me and I’m angry that I let it happen.
And I feel ashamed that I let it happen. And I feel uncertain about what I am supposed to do to not let it hapen again.
I feel like a failure, useless, like everyone else is just so much more equipped to live life and there’s useless little me… just trying to love everyone and everybody and just getting hurt and used over and over again.
I’m trying to protect myself this time by communicating to my new partner how I feel and what needs to change. I know he also wants his kid to get a job. But how do I tell him.. like hey listen… are you just trying to use me? Can I even trust you?
And what if I say that and he leaves and then I have… what? Just a whole lot of tired to show for life.
Ugh, I hate it when I’m feeling this depro.
So these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. It actually feels good to write it out. So you tell me… am I being too much? What am I supposed to do? Give up on life, move back home and just try to avoid life for the rest of my life? That’s not an option..
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to try to check in with you more often, hopefully daily… just letting you know what I’m thinking and feeling and experiencing. Maybe you can save me? I doubt it but you’re pretty much all I got.
At the same time… this chick on Youtube did say that it is important to journal like this and also to try to identiy your thoughts and feelings. That’s another thing I’m gonna try doing… I want to listen to her videos to try to increase my emotional intelligence… maybe I’ll do better at life then.
What I also want to do is try to increase my emotional vocabulary… So maybe tomorrow I’ll research and publish an emotional cheat sheet.
If you’re reading this, I would appreciate any supportive comments / advice / perspective.
When I woke up this Saturday morning; I realised I’ve been living my week in fear. I had a cold feeling around the space my heart should be and I dreaded waking up. I also have been having nightmares again recently. The context of the nightmares differ, but they have a few things in common; they are not a nice experience; I wake up feeling uncomfortable and in them things are almost always out of control, because the people in them violate my boundaries. For example, I dreamt that I was on a farm and I had to help someone escape, because she was being abused by the people there, but I wasn’t succeeding. It was this nasty feeling of just never ‘being good enough’, never cracking the code, staying a prisoner and dependent on what the abusive people did next.
I am learning about myself and I think these dreams are in line with how I’ve been feeling about life and myself this week. I need to have more faith in myself. I tend to be a very anxious person and to see life as it is right now – with no silver linings – and to then think that life will just always be this way, when this is not true.
I started off the week thinking that my business would just never become profitable and the people in it doesn’t care about helping me make it successful – they just in it to take what they can right now from me. My husband would never contribute towards it, because he is inherently lazy and I would never be successful at the contract I’m working on right now, because I just am not good enough at organising and filing. But I guess I was wrong.
I held a meeting on Thursday with all stakeholders in the business and everyone was there and committed towards sorting things out – even my husband. I had a talk with him beforehand – about him getting up and leaving in the middle of meetings & conversations and he said he wouldn’t do it this time and he didn’t. I told one of the people that I would like her to pay me back petrol money for using my car during the month, and she did.
Image by suju from Pixabay Text and graphics by Ariel Hopewhispers
I also told the other stakeholders that me and my husband couldn’t survive if, when the business doesn’t meet target, they just pay themselves first and then we don’t get paid and they paid him R5,000 and also decided to pay my professional body fee R8,100 to keep me accredited as well as our data fee for working from home R1,200. I also told the guy I was working with that he should pay me for the half day that he gave everyone else off at work. He didn’t, but that is not the point. He could have. And I feel better for raising it.
I also collected some compliments/ advice for my compliment/advice corner this week. The contract guy said “Don’t sell yourself short. You must believe in yourself. I do.” My husband said “You’re not useless. You’re tired. Tired means you’re living.” and one of the business stakeholders said “You must know how much you are worth. You are the backbone of this company, even though you don’t see it right now.”
So was I right to feel fearful this week? I’m starting to think that, that should not be the question. I think emotions aren’t right or wrong or accurate or inaccurate, but it is what you do with them that matters. In this case my fear spurred me on to read about boundaries, which encouraged me to communicate my boundaries this week to other people, which resulted in people treating me with compassion and respect. That is an amazing step for me. I am proud of myself.
I will post the link to the book I was reading about on boundaries on here at a later stage, together with some information I find valuable from it, in case it could help someone else out there. Until then, thanks for giving me this space to vent and think and be safe.
It’s been a while. I’ve been going through so much. I’m not sure why, but my life sometimes seems or feels like on extended crisis.
My parents left today, after visiting us for a week. I miss them. I think what I miss most is the sense of security they bring with them every time they visit.
I’m getting older. When I was younger I kind of enjoyed doing new things, feeling like I’m working towards something amazing – something big. I didn’t need that much security. Now it feels like I do.
It’s strange. In some ways, I think I have a really good life. I work from home. Right now, we earn a decent amount of money – basically what I was earning before when I was lecturing full-time. It’s not guaranteed every month, but it is enough for us to get by and have a decent life.
I have a roof over my head. I have a person in my life that seems to want to be with me and build a business with me. There are potential future opportunities for the business that could turn out great.
I’m teaching dance for the first time really, like on a consistent contract at a studio. I love dancing.
So if everything is going so great, why do I feel so stressed all the time?
I just got offered a new job, great pay, but I would have to move provinces and I don’t think I would have time for doing everything that needs to be done in order to build out our own business. I’d have to give up teaching dance. I’d have to give up the place we’re staying in at the moment – which is kind of sponsored by my parents.
I don’t know. I just wish I was further along, doing better, had more security. I don’t need a fancy house or lifestyle. The lifestyle I got right now is pretty decent, but I would like more financial security and I would like to be in a position to have a child. I want a family of my own. I would like to feel less alone and what better way to feel less alone than to birth a human being that is permanently attached to you for the rest of your life?
My parents are also getting older. What would happen if they weren’t there anymore? Then I won’t really have anyone to love me? Well, maybe my brother does love me, but we don’t really chat that often. And I think my new person does care about me, but he doesn’t say it often, and he’s also a lot older than me.
He is 45, I’m almost 34. If I wanted to have a child the time for that is running out.
I wish I could be more calmer, happier, more chill, accept things more as they are and just go with it… you know, be happy. Instead I seem to be fighting an uphill battle every day – whether its there or not. How do I even change that?
I want to embrace more of my immediate life, definitely establish a more healthy, more fulfilling routing, work more on cultivating a positive mindset.
Can I try each morning:
1. 60 minutes dancing 2. 60 minutes listening to mindset podcasts while coloring or crocheting
Can I try each evening: 3. Talking to ChatGPT and Wysa/ planning out my life/ working through what I’m feeling, any thinking errors and reframing for a better balanced perspective
I feel like there needs to be a bigger shift though.
Maybe I’ll see if I can find a workbook to work through that can help me.
I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for basically conducting my own therapy session with the help of ChatGPT. I started this session off feeling so shit, hopeless, negative, and bitter… like I have been for the past months. Now I’m feeling….happier, proud of myself, a little hopeful, and impressed with my ingenuity.
I’ll definitely do more sessions like this one… and publish them for whoever is out there that needs to read this. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you just need to know you’re not alone and not the only one that feels the way you do. Maybe you need to see how situations can be worked through in order to create new moments… better moments, filled with hope.
I hope my ramblings reach and help some people… and if you’re reading this thank you. It means a lot to me to have a space to express how I really feel without holding back at all… and that’s what this blog is for me… its what it’s always been.
ChatGPT:
“Disillusionment refers to the feeling of disappointment or disenchantment that arises when one’s expectations or beliefs are not met or proven to be false. It is a common experience that can result from various situations, such as failed relationships, unfulfilled career aspirations, and unrealized goals.
Disillusionment can be a difficult emotion to manage, as it often involves feelings of loss, sadness, and sometimes anger or resentment. However, it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-reflection, as it prompts us to re-evaluate our beliefs and expectations and to potentially set new goals and priorities.
It’s important to note that not all disillusionment is negative or unhealthy. In some cases, it can be a necessary step toward greater clarity, maturity, and wisdom. Nonetheless, it’s important to find healthy ways to process and cope with disillusionment, such as seeking support from loved ones, engaging in self-care activities, or seeking professional counseling or therapy.“
Have you ever felt disillusioned?
I’m not sure, but after many months of just feeling generally shitty, scared, tired, anxious, and lackluster I believe that this is maybe what I am dealing with.
I’m a hard worker. I don’t generally slack off. When I was small I was told that the harder I work, the better grades I get, and the easier life will be… after all the hard work. So I did that. Then I was told the harder the degree I get, the better the qualification I achieve, and the easier life will be… after all the hard work. Then I guess I told myself that I could make any dream a reality… if only I worked hard enough at it.
So I graduated with straight A’s, got myself a qualification as a Chartered Accountant, earned a Master’s Degree, started a business…and guess what? Life isn’t easy… I’m on the other side of the initial hard work and what I’ve found on the other side is basically just more hard work.
I don’t like the finance field. I don’t like sitting in an office… working all day. I miss dancing, I miss being free, I miss the job I had teaching at a university that I lost because I wasn’t black enough. And I wonder what I am doing wrong because my business isn’t making enough money to sustain us. I’m freelancing a lot. It’s hard work. And once the hard work is done, so is the money… so then I need to freelance some more. The more I freelance, the more I neglect the business, and the less money the business makes, and it’s already making so little.
It feels like I’m stuck in this endless black hole of hard work and not much else, to be honest. How am I supposed to dream of a future? How am I supposed to even have a future if things never start building? We’re always living hand to mouth. Just barely… surviving. Okay, fine, most months we’re doing more than just surviving. We’re able to have coffee, and a sandwich every now and again. We’re able to pay for a gym membership. Sometimes we can have a good time out with the kids, but that’s about it. There’s nothing more.
And again I lie. There are some opportunities in the pipeline, but they’re few and …. not certain. And right now, I feel like I need some ‘certain’ in my life. I just feel like I deserve more, better… I’ve worked so hard. I’ve done everything ‘right’, except maybe not having a job whilst building my business, but I’m just one person and I didn’t choose the color of my skin and its not my fault that my whole country is slowly being flushed down the drain and unemployment is skyrocketing and there are so few jobs, and even the ones that are available just don’t go to people like me.
I wish I could just get a good job abroad, but what would I even do? What are they even looking for? What do I need to do to be considered to be good enough? Or should I just resign myself to my fate? Live with what I’ve created. Freelance my ass off and keep trying to build a business that’s making it so freaking difficult to build.
Maybe I’m being ungrateful. Maybe I’m prematurely giving up. Maybe I’m right and the sooner I can get myself into the ’employed’ category of people, the better the future looks. Who knows. I’m so sick of maybe. I want certain. But there’s not a lot of certain going around right now.
I don’t know what to say. I’m tired. I’m anxious. I feel cheated. I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I hold my breath just because it gets so hard to breathe.
I was supposed to have a great job. I was supposed to be rewarded…
For always doing everything right. For cheating myself, from the youngest grade. Instead, all I got was… not getting paid.
Not being good enough.
I feel burnt out. I feel scared. I don’t have to have millions. Don’t have to be a millionaire. I just want a little bit more than this…
Things are a little bit more doable than it is. Money to stack just a little bit. To build up an egg… to be able to have a kid. Right now, I don’t even know how we’d take care of anyone. Some months are so bad, we can’t even take care of ourselves.
And I’m wondering, what did everybody else do? Why are they happy? Why do they have the good jobs? Is it because they’re not senseless enough to believe that they could change the world? Make it a better place?
Sometimes all my dreams, just feel like such a waste.
And it’s only the last 6 months or so I’ve been feeling like this. It was after a period of doing better than we’d ever done before… having more money in the bank than I knew what to do with… and then getting back to reality one month… losing one contract, then another. Losing one customer then the other… Just like a vicious downward spiral. Making it feel like we got so close, but just not good enough… And the push it will take to get us back there, I just don’t know if I have what it takes.
Have you ever felt disillusioned by anything? How did you deal with it?
I asked ChatGPT some questions so I can try make sense of this situations and must somehow move forward in a more positive and less stressful way, and it was actually very helpful!
Here’s our conversation:
Me: Can you identify any negative thinking patterns in the following text?
ChatGPT:
“Yes, there are several negative thinking patterns in the text:
All-or-nothing thinking: The author tends to view things in extreme terms. For example, they believe that they have either succeeded completely or failed entirely, with nothing in between.
Overgeneralization: The author makes broad, sweeping statements based on limited experience. For example, they assume that their lack of success is due to their skin color or the state of the economy, without considering other factors.
Catastrophizing: The author often imagines the worst-case scenario and assumes that things will never improve.
Personalization: The author takes personal responsibility for things that are outside of their control. For example, they blame themselves for not having a job while building their business, even though they are only one person and cannot control the job market.
Disqualifying the positive: The author discounts any positive experiences or opportunities that they have had and focuses only on the negative.
To deal with disillusionment, it’s important to challenge and change these negative thinking patterns by focusing on the present, practicing self-care, seeking support from loved ones, and exploring new perspectives and opportunities. It can also be helpful to set realistic goals and expectations, and to be patient and compassionate with oneself during the process of growth and change.”
Me: “What can the author do to move forward, fix the negative thinking patterns and improve their situation?
ChatGPT:
Here are some suggestions for the author to move forward, fix the negative thinking patterns, and improve their situation:
Challenge negative thoughts: The author can start by identifying their negative thoughts and questioning their validity. For example, they can ask themselves if there is evidence to support their belief that they are not good enough, or if there are other factors that may be contributing to their situation.
Focus on the present: Rather than dwelling on past failures or future uncertainties, the author can try to focus on the present moment and what they can do to improve their situation right now.
Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself is crucial during times of disillusionment. The author can prioritize activities that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, healthy eating, meditation, and spending time with loved ones.
Seek support: Talking to trusted friends or family members about one’s feelings can be helpful. Professional counseling or therapy can also provide a safe and supportive environment to explore and process one’s emotions.
Explore new opportunities: The author can consider exploring new career paths or hobbies that align with their passions and interests. This may require stepping out of their comfort zone and taking calculated risks, but it can lead to greater fulfillment and happiness.
Set realistic goals: It may be helpful for the author to set realistic and achievable goals for themselves, both short-term and long-term. Celebrating small victories along the way can help to build momentum and motivation.
Develop positive thinking patterns: The author can work on developing positive thinking patterns by focusing on their strengths, practicing gratitude, and acknowledging their accomplishments. This can help to shift their mindset from one of negativity and hopelessness to one of optimism and possibility.
Me: Can you rewrite the text from the perspective of someone that has a mindset of optimism and possibility?
ChatGPT:
Sure, here’s a rewrite of the text from the perspective of someone with a mindset of optimism and possibility:
Have you ever felt a desire for change?
After months of feeling stuck and unfulfilled, I’m starting to see that there’s an opportunity for growth and new possibilities.
I’ve always been a hard worker, but I’m realizing that hard work doesn’t always lead to success in the way we expect it to. I’ve accomplished so much already, with straight A’s, a Chartered Accountant qualification, a Master’s degree, and even starting my own business. And while I’ve experienced some challenges, I know that these experiences have taught me valuable lessons and have prepared me for what’s next.
I’m excited to explore new opportunities and find a career path that aligns with my passions and interests. I’m not afraid to take risks and try new things, even if it means stepping out of my comfort zone.
While my business may not be where I want it to be right now, I know that with persistence and hard work, it can be successful. I’m not giving up on my dreams, but I’m also open to new possibilities and opportunities that may come my way.
I’m grateful for the people in my life who support and encourage me, and I’m excited to see what the future holds. I know that success is not always linear, and that there may be setbacks along the way, but I’m confident in my ability to overcome challenges and thrive.
I believe in the power of positivity and gratitude, and I’m looking forward to the possibilities that lie ahead.
Me: What daily homework/ practice can you suggest the author incorporates into their daily life in order to move from negativity and hopelessness to optimism and possiblity?
Here are some daily homework/practices that the author can incorporate into their daily life in order to move from negativity and hopelessness to optimism and possibility:
Gratitude journaling: Every day, the author can write down at least three things they are grateful for. This can help to shift their focus from what they don’t have to what they do have, and cultivate a mindset of abundance and appreciation.
Positive affirmations: The author can write down positive affirmations, such as “I am capable of achieving my goals” or “I am worthy of success and happiness”, and repeat them to themselves daily. This can help to rewire their brain to think positively and believe in their own abilities.
Visualization: The author can take a few minutes each day to visualize themselves achieving their goals and living their dream life. This can help to create a sense of motivation and inspiration, and keep them focused on their desired outcomes.
Mindfulness meditation: The author can practice mindfulness meditation, which involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. This can help to reduce stress and anxiety, and promote a sense of calm and clarity.
Self-care: The author can prioritize self-care activities, such as exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and spending time with loved ones. This can help to reduce stress and promote physical and emotional well-being, which can in turn lead to a more positive outlook on life.
Goal-setting: The author can set realistic and achievable goals for themselves, both short-term and long-term. This can help to create a sense of direction and purpose, and give them something to work towards.
Positive self-talk: The author can practice replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk. For example, instead of saying “I can’t do this”, they can say “I’m not sure how to do this yet, but I’m capable of learning and figuring it out”. This can help to build self-confidence and reduce feelings of hopelessness.
I’m so happy to be here with you right now. I have a lot to say.
These past few weeks have been TOUGH, to say the least! At the same time, coming out of the whole covid thing feels like emerging from a ‘very slimy sucky yucky’ cocoon. It’s like I’ve got new breath in my body. A new chance to redefine some things in my life.
You know what, I’ve been going through this depressed slump, feeling so uncertain and afraid of everything. I was off my meds and basically paralyzed – just going through the motions, but I did it.
I got myself onto the meds again, without too much hassle, and I sought out a therapist I think I can trust, and I survived Covid, and you know what? I think I’m now ready to face the rest of my life…on my terms.
One thing that I’ve realized is that I tend to hold myself back in life so much. I literally live by this unwritten rule that I’m not allowed to put myself first – ever. The only way I get to make ‘sefish’ choices is if those choices just happen to be in the interest of the greater good and benefit someone else…
I’m rambling, but take my life with my ex-husband, for example. I broke free from home, which at that time was an absolute nightmare, but it was only because I was helping my ex-husband start a whole new life with me. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never left home.
I cuddle my dog because I think she needs it. I buy things at shopping centers, based on how those items will make the people around me feel. I say things because it makes other people happy. But when am I going to be the center of attention in my own life for a change?
I crave being seen, yet I don’t see myself. I crave being held and cuddled and kissed, but I never lovingly touch myself. I want to be loved, but I don’t love myself. What would actually happen if I put myself first for a change? If I was my best friend?
If I forgave myself for all the things I feel I might’ve done wrong, if I wash myself clean of the shame, let go of the guilt. What if I actually decided that I deserve better and I’m going to get better? What then?
I deserve to be happy, I really do. In all my time of being alive I’ve never met someone else more selfless, more inherently good, loving and kind than me. And I can honestly say that. People are sh*t. Sooner or later all of them reveal their true colors… but me? I’ve only served since I woke up on this godforsaken planet. And I’m not tired of it. I enjoy taking care of people, making the world a better place, taking care of the good in the world, keeping hope alive, but it’s about time that I served me first.
I feel like its time for me to rekindle my relationship with God as well. For way too long, have I let my evil ex-husband dictate the distance between us. I want a relationship with God, my God – the God of Love, and Good and Peace and Hope, not the God of War and hurt and punishment that my ex told me about when he was beating me. “God wants me to punish you” he said, and I didn’t believe him, but somewhere deep inside myself, I did.
So I want to say I’m sorry for doubting you my God and I’m here and I’m ready. Please take me back and teach me how to love myself. Amen.
And while we’re on the topic of being totally selfish… you know what will be an absolutely amazing achievement in my life? Like the next thing I really really really want to get, that will make me so happy? A couch!
Like the ultimate selfish, almost daybed, you can just sink into and cuddle on and sit and relax and be happy on. Currently, we only have a very old very uncomfortable sleeper couch in the living room, but the next money that I make I’m spending on buying me a couch… and I don’t care what anyone says about it. As long as I make the money I can choose what to spend it on, and what I really really really want in my life, for my home, and to feel loved by myself, is a proper, amazing, awesome couch.
And the next thing after that I want to change is the way our bed is lined up directly against the cold bare wall. I want to be able to sit up happily, comfortably, supported by lots of cushy pillows and a proper bedstand or whatever you call it. That would make me so happy.
I believe I can make it happen. If I just stop getting in my own way.
Already just by putting down these wants on paper, I’m hearing voices about how I’m not good enough, how I won’t be able to get these things, its not worth even trying… but look at what I’ve accomplished… look at what I’ve survived so far…
If I could pull off buying my exhusband a pool table, because I thought it would keep him home more, whilst starting up my first business… If I could make my first office furniture out of paper… if I could buy a King Size bed that my husband rarely ever shared with me… If I could leave him and survive the separation, bury my dog, start another new business, keep both me and blye eyes alive whilst surviving covid… If I could do all of that… then surely I can make enough money to have a coach… and a headboard with some cushions…
I’m ready to have that. I’m so ready to have that. Please, God bless me and my new person and my new life and, let me have that.
It’s been 5 days since I started taking sertraline/ Serdep again. I’m taking the 50 mg tablet. I got really sick on day 3, when I tried to take the 100mg tablet. I was nauseous, getting hot flashes. I think I had a fever. And I definitely had a headache and blurry vision.
Day 1 was just more dhiaree and heartburn. Day 2 was fine – I felt a little different but not too much. Day 3 was the worst, with the vomiting. I basically slept half the day and all I could eat was half a boiled potato. Day 4 was a little better, but still very nauseous and headache. I taught a three-hour lecture to MBA’s the morning on Corporate Governance and Business Ethics and then again just lay down/ slept for the rest of the day.
Today is Day 5 and so far so good. I still feel nauseous. My mind is racing. I feel anxious. And I struggled to sleep. I’m fine though. Much better than yesterday.
Yesterday Blue Eyes did something that really hurt my feelings. He spoke to GamerGirl again. He calls her “His other woman”. He said things like “I can make you scream. You’ll be begging and screaming at the same time.” And when she said something about going to sleep, he said, “Not with me – you’ll have to earn that.”
Just like a couple of comments like that. He does this in front of me. I mean, he’s been flirty with her before in front of me, but not like this. This was like not even veiled, next level in my face. And I didn’t like it.
NewGuy, from work, was online with them while all this was happening. It made me feel so humiliated. I started picturing being at a braai with him and being stuck in some corner – abandoned and forgotten while he flirted with some girl like this.
I just don’t like it. It makes me feel humiliated and forgotten, not even jealous, just hurt that he would do that in front of me without even considering how it might make me feel. Anyway, I did tell him that it hurt my feelings.
I’m proud of myself for actually voicing this.
He said that that’s just the way he is with women and it feels like I’m in on it. That’s why he does it in front of me – not behind my back. He said he wouldn’t act that way at a braai. He could judge what behavior is appropriate or not.
And then, I’m not sure if I imagined it or not but things were different after. He suddenly was more guarded, I think. We had sex and I snuggled up to him. He moved away twice. When I asked him if he still likes me, he didn’t respond.
It’s sad. But he’s gotta make his own decisions about what he wants I guess. I just know that I gotto do what’s right for me. And that is not being bullied into a situation where I’m having to accept things I’m not comfortable with.
So I’ve decided that if she comes to visit I’m literally going to go stay with my parents for as long as she is visiting. He can have her, make his choices, and then live with the consequences. I’m too special and important to be treated like a sidepiece.
In other news – Bestie called. He was so sad and crying. He said he would pay for our flights to the UK, he just needs someone around him that is going to be there for him. He said we make him feel safe and loved and cared for. My heart was breaking for him on that call..
At the same time, it was kind of comforting to know that he would trust us enough to reach out when that vulnerable. It makes me feel that I could possibly do the same. And that’s comforting. Having people by your side that understands, loves, and cares for you is such a blessing.
I’ve decided to take the rest of the day off – after having lectured this whole week – 2 to 3 hours of MBA lectures every single day – I’m exhausted. Just want to chill today.
I hope my mind doesn’t catastrophize and remunerate on what Blue Eyes did. I can come up with a million if scenarios, but I don’t want to. I just want to enjoy where I’m at right now, have a good day, rest, recuperate, practice my relaxation skills and then deal with the world again tomorrow.
Do you ever have those moments when you just feel lonely and empty and hopeless for no reason?
I do.
I feel like nothing is worth it. And I feel like I have this big open empty wasteland space inside my soul and that I’m standing in the middle of it and like I need so much love it hurts and yet I know – no one can reach me here.
The wind whispers – no one will ever love you. I wonder – why am I even still going?
All out of nowhere this happens. And it makes me so sad.
And then I get sad and it feels like if I shed on tear, I’ll never stop crying, because I have so much sadness inside of me.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with these feelings more and more. In my lucid moments, I wonder if this just means that I’m ready to process the latest trauma in my life. Maybe it just means that my soul feels like I’ve survived the worst of everything now – and now it’s the time to actually reach out and talk about the shit that I’ve gone through.
I think so.
So where to start… I can’t really afford to be paying for therapy right now… or I don’t want to place that financial strain on my finances just yet. I mean things have been going better financially, but I don’t feel like I can justify a massive therapy expense yet.
I do eventually want to go back to therapy though, for sure, but when I can afford it.
Maybe for now… I can just start telling you a little bit about what I’ve been through if that’s okay?
I mean, where do I even start? Okay, let’s start here – with something that has really been bothering me lately.
My body image or self-image or whatever… the way I feel about my body – that’s a huge fuck up right there.
I don’t feel sexy. Most days I don’t even feel like a 5 out of 10. I feel ugly. Disgusting. Like dog shit. Like a pile of vomit. Just not even worth looking at.
I know that’s harsh, but that’s the way I feel.
My body image issues started in my earliest years. My mom always told me to pull in my tummy. I wasn’t really allowed to eat sweets and chocolates. I was the ‘fat’ girl in ballet class – weighing in at 55kg for my 1.6m.
I’ve always been built ‘short and curvy’. Even when I was so underweight that I didn’t even have boobs you could still see in the mirror that I was built curvier than every other girl in ballet class.
When I was 21 we were training for a particularly big concert. Again, my weight was an issue. I wanted to be a professional ballerina at that stage. My mom just always laughed and pointed out that I would never be thin enough for that. Like being thin was a goal that was just way too ambitious for me.
Anyway, I basically stopped eating. My weight dropped to around 45kg I think. I was always a 10. Suddenly I fit into a 6 ( like my mom). It felt great.
I got injured. I started eating again. I stopped doing any kind of exercise – I was sitting in a college class, studying Chartered Accountancy 16 hours a day every day. My body was hurting so much from the withdrawal of physical exercise.
I threw up a lot of the food I tried to eat – my stomach just wasn’t accustomed to having food in it. I had a lot of stomach issues for a long time.
Throughout my corporate career, I continued to get more overweight and more physically unhealthy. I married a man that did nothing for a living. I needed to support both of us. This involved a lot of overtime.
Then came entrepreneurship and I worked even more, longer hours, had less money, became more sedentary. The most physical exercise I would get on any day would be walking from my bedroom to my study – 10 metres.
My husband never told me that I was beautiful. He made me feel so shit about myself. Even when I was still hot – when I weighed 45kg he would make me feel so out of place – embarrassed to be me. Nothing I did was good enough. None of my choices were the right ones. No matter what I said to people that we shared company with it would be the wrong thing.
From the very early days sex was a problem – he didn’t want it as much as I did. Then hugs became a problem too. He didn’t want to kiss me anymore. He didn’t want to hug me. Then he told me God does not want him to have sex with me anymore.
It’s like I had my femininity denied every step of the way. No one wanted me. And now I was even fatter than I was before when I wasn’t really fat. When I spoke to Blue-eyes for the first time I asked him if he thought I was ugly.
He says he would remember that forever. I didn’t tell my I was pretty though. I just told me a whole story about how there is always someone out there that will find a particular feature on you attractive.
I’m in a relationship with him now. He still hasn’t told me that I’m pretty or beautiful or anything. When I ask him he just says that if I wasn’t he wouldn’t be sleeping with me. At least we have sex – a lot. That helps.
I weigh 87kg now. I’m working out every morning – six days a week. I do 2.5 hours of HIIT per week. And 3 hours (sometimes 4) of pole dancing. And 2 hours (when I can) of yoga/ other gym classes.
I try to eat semi-healthy. I don’t keep chips or chocolates in the house. I barely consume any alcohol. The weight just isn’t dropping though.
I’ve only been exercising since November 2021 though. Maybe I’m too impatient. I’m really happy I made the decision to start working out… and to get into pole dancing… I just feel like sometimes I’m not even sure if I’ll ever get back to being my ‘normal’ 55kg.
The other night we were asked to perform a burlesque routine at poledancing. I wore black heels and a red dress with black pole pants. I felt so uncomfortable I almost started crying on my way over there.
When we were taking the photos I felt horrible. It felt like all the other girls are so tiny and I’m just so unforgivably… BIG.
And no matter how I stood in that red dress you could see that I have a tummy. When I’m being really mean to myself I tell myself that I look pregnant, but I couldn’t even get that right – I lost the baby. That was about 6 months ago.
When I was pregnant that was the first time I kind of felt okay again about my body. I felt like I appreciated it and that I wanted to take care of it, cause I was gonna be expecting it to grow a child…
Even just writing about all these things I just actually want to start crying and then before I do I feel like – that will be so pathetic and useless… what’s that going to accomplish? I’ve got so much going for me at the moment.
I don’t want to be one of those spoiled rich people that just like has everything in their life going their way and then its just never good enough and they are just always depressed about something.
But yes, those are some of the thoughts going on in my head at the moment… I guess, now that I’ve written it out, no wonder I’m feeling these empty hopeless feelings… It’s a lot of negative thinking to deal with. I probably need to do some work on changing the way I think about some of these things.
I mean I am proud of myself for doing something about my situation, for starting to exercise again. I’m even proud of myself for squeezing into that red dress and going and doing the routing anyway. And it hasn’t actually been that long since I started exercising. Maybe my weight will still drop.
Maybe I’ll wake up one day and look in the mirror and think like…wow, you’re beautiful, no wonder everyone likes you.
Maybe. Hopefully. Someday.
Let me know if you can relate to any of this?
I’ll try to make more time to tell you more little bits of my story… Maybe it can help all of us…
Today we went out to a restaurant and had a sit-down meal. And it was nice. It wasn’t awkward. I didn’t even really think about my ex-husband… I didn’t wish that he was him. I didn’t feel like this was second best.
I felt at home. Happy. And if I did, for a fleeting moment, catch myself starting to feel awkward or make myself believe that he could never love me that way he loved his ex-wife… I reminded myself that that is simply not true.
We are good together. We’re just scared. That’s all.
This valentines day I actually made him a card and gave him a heart-shaped chocolate lollipop. The day before I wrote on the glass window ” I love you”. As he was coming round the corner washing the windows I ran away giggling. I got it on there just in time.
I think those actions are what’s contributing towards making everything much less awkward. I just decided that… I want to love again… fully. And this person is nice. And he’s only been good to me.
I can make myself fall in love with him. Just like I made myself not fall out of love with my ex-husband… for the longest time.
Anyway… I just thought you’d like to know that. That’s the update on Blue Eyes.
Wow, business is going well. I’ve been basically a broke-ass entrepreneur since the time I started this blog, right. Well, not anymore! Those days are officially over! And I believe it just might be for good… this time.
I’m working in the training space – getting gigs from four different educational organizations. I’m earning just about the equivalent of what I was earning back when I was employed at the University. It’s fantastic.
But that’s not even the biggest thing. The biggest thing is since mid-January me and Blue-eyes have actually managed to pull in and ’employ’ our first salesperson – fully commission-based. And WOW, since then said salesperson has signed up 8 new members to our platform – creating a R7,000 per month amount of extra revenue for as long as those members stay on our platform.
Isn’t that incredible?
I am so happy, so blessed. The plan is to continue this performance in terms of membership. Then while this is happening – all of our profit share spaces are also being improved. The people around us are getting inspired by our success and they’re literally rallying around us helping us build.
It’s incredible. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it.
Of course, there have been people showing up, creating drama, trying to get a piece of the pie through any means necessary… There’ve been a lot of vultures around. But blue-eyes have been dealing with him. Sometimes I help a little bit, but mostly he is happy to deal with the people and misunderstandings or whatever needs to be sorted out. Its amazing.
I am a little worried about him burning out though. That’s why I suggested we go out today. He says it doesn’t help him relax, but at least he got out of the house. I think that’s at least something.
I try to feed him proper food everyday… I do our washing. And I try to always encourage and support him and remember to tell him how awesome he is and how well he is doing. I am worried about him, but I can’t assume responsibility for his emotions and his healing journey… So for now I’m just doing what I can to support and trying to be there when he needs me…
On the dance side… Oh WOW. I’m starting to feel a little bit of the old dancer in me come out sometimes during pole sessions… Its really nice.
I still have a super long way to go though. And I went through a bit of a depression/ dip about two weeks ago. I was going to all the HIIT classes – 5 times a week, all the Online gym session – 2 times a week and all the pole dancing sessions – 4 times a week.
And I think it was just a bit much…
So now I’m just trying to do as much as possible, but without doing so much that I get depressed… Its weird like I would literally get depressed about 40 mins after an exercise session and I would feel like super weak and like crying… I think its blood sugar.
I remember growing up I struggled a lot with low blood sugar/ low blood pressure/ no one was ever really sure what it was, but it would involve me getting dizzy/ things going black/ almost feinting/ feeling weak.
At one stage I got so weak that I was literally just laying on the couch for like weeks… But it always kind of went away by itself… I’m hoping this time it will again go away by itself…
Oh, I also stopped taking the pre-workout drink (mostly) before gym sessions so that I don’t end up pushing myself so hard during sessions… And I stopped drinking so much protein shake that I don’t get hungry during the rest of the day- cause that keeps me from eating then, which I think is part of the problem.
Anyway… that’s me. 🙂 Are you proud of me for how far I’ve come? I’m proud of me…
How are you? Let me know in the comments! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Would love to have more friends on here!
By the way… have you ever experienced like the weakness, and almost feinting thing? What is it? Would love to know, because when I test my blood sugar and blood pressure it always comes out normal… To the lower end of normal, but normal…
I’ve realized that I was born to be noticed. I have a thing for wanting to mean more than I mean by myself, for wanting to be more than I am.
I have things inside of me that deserves to be noticed.
I have a goodness inside of me. A willingness to sacrifice myself for the greater good. An ability to endure and withstand pain. I have the ability to inspire, to care, to notice, to leave an impression, to impress, to shock, to nurture.
I am terrified of being kept in a cage, forgotten in a box, shoved onto a shelf, gathering dust.
Perhaps that is why I find this new hobby fascinating…
I never knew there are social media websites where you can post your thougths, pictures, deepest wants and desires, but not your face… never your face…
Hope Whispers 