Proud of myself

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When I woke up this Saturday morning; I realised I’ve been living my week in fear. I had a cold feeling around the space my heart should be and I dreaded waking up. I also have been having nightmares again recently. The context of the nightmares differ, but they have a few things in common; they are not a nice experience; I wake up feeling uncomfortable and in them things are almost always out of control, because the people in them violate my boundaries. For example, I dreamt that I was on a farm and I had to help someone escape, because she was being abused by the people there, but I wasn’t succeeding. It was this nasty feeling of just never ‘being good enough’, never cracking the code, staying a prisoner and dependent on what the abusive people did next.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
Text by Ariel Hopewhispers

I am learning about myself and I think these dreams are in line with how I’ve been feeling about life and myself this week. I need to have more faith in myself. I tend to be a very anxious person and to see life as it is right now – with no silver linings – and to then think that life will just always be this way, when this is not true.

I started off the week thinking that my business would just never become profitable and the people in it doesn’t care about helping me make it successful – they just in it to take what they can right now from me. My husband would never contribute towards it, because he is inherently lazy and I would never be successful at the contract I’m working on right now, because I just am not good enough at organising and filing. But I guess I was wrong.

I held a meeting on Thursday with all stakeholders in the business and everyone was there and committed towards sorting things out – even my husband. I had a talk with him beforehand – about him getting up and leaving in the middle of meetings & conversations and he said he wouldn’t do it this time and he didn’t. I told one of the people that I would like her to pay me back petrol money for using my car during the month, and she did.

Image by suju from Pixabay
Text and graphics by Ariel Hopewhispers

I also told the other stakeholders that me and my husband couldn’t survive if, when the business doesn’t meet target, they just pay themselves first and then we don’t get paid and they paid him R5,000 and also decided to pay my professional body fee R8,100 to keep me accredited as well as our data fee for working from home R1,200. I also told the guy I was working with that he should pay me for the half day that he gave everyone else off at work. He didn’t, but that is not the point. He could have. And I feel better for raising it.

Image by Soorelis from Pixabay
Text by Ariel Hopewhispers

I also collected some compliments/ advice for my compliment/advice corner this week. The contract guy said “Don’t sell yourself short. You must believe in yourself. I do.” My husband said “You’re not useless. You’re tired. Tired means you’re living.” and one of the business stakeholders said “You must know how much you are worth. You are the backbone of this company, even though you don’t see it right now.”

So was I right to feel fearful this week? I’m starting to think that, that should not be the question. I think emotions aren’t right or wrong or accurate or inaccurate, but it is what you do with them that matters. In this case my fear spurred me on to read about boundaries, which encouraged me to communicate my boundaries this week to other people, which resulted in people treating me with compassion and respect. That is an amazing step for me. I am proud of myself.

Image by Mabel Amber, still incognito… from Pixabay
Text and graphics by Ariel Hopewhispers

I will post the link to the book I was reading about on boundaries on here at a later stage, together with some information I find valuable from it, in case it could help someone else out there. Until then, thanks for giving me this space to vent and think and be safe.

Featured Image by Hans Braxmeier from Pixabay

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It was a good weekend

This weekend was a good weekend. Yes, I worked a full two days of it (Friday night until 11:00). Sunday from 14:00 to 18:00 and Monday from 08:00 to 17:00, but I also had a birthday braai for my husband and spent some quality time with him for what felt like the first time in years. I really love spending time with him when he let’s me. With “lets me” I mean I didn’t really realise it but he has had his walls so high up for so long I forgot what the man on the inside of the walls look like.

Since he met with his biological sister he has let me be there for him. He’s been vulnerable with me and I could take care of him emotionally. I know I haven’t been perfect with him, but I feel like I really stepped up for him. Now I must just remember to take care of him emotionally. Something I can probably only do if I first take care of myself emotionally…

I must continue to figure out my emotions and how to attach to people… And how to be a normal human being. It’s difficult though but I think I’m learning…

The courage to grieve

It’s really difficult time deal with unmet childhood needs. Having the courage to dig through painful memories until you unnerve the ones which cover open wounds is a process that requires time, patience and commitment. It literally involves us looking for the things we are most afraid of and admitting to that thing how much you fear it. Only once you’ve admitted how much you wanted something you never got, can you honestly mourn it’s loss. See you don’t lose something you never got until you give up on the hope of ever getting it. It is a daunting process that hurts a lot, but the price to pay for not having the courage to face your demons is even higher still. When we refuse to let go of an unmet need, we are it’s slave. Subconsciously we are a slave and we will do whatever inappropriate behavior our unmet need suggests in order to attempt to meet it, but despite years of abuse and cycles of inexplicable depression and anxiety it will never be met. We will remain chained until we choose to confront and grief.

What is radical acceptance?

Sometimes you just need to see reality for what it is – reality. Fighting reality is exhausting and uses up resources that you could’ve used for figuring out how to move forward. Sometimes life grabs you by the collar and drags you back into the past tense. You can fight being dragged back, you can refuse to accept how far you’ve been dragged back or you can accept that you’ve dragged back by the collar and start walking. I am what I am. I’m not who I am not. It is what it is and it’s not what it’s not.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

It does not matter how slowly you go, just don’t stop

Note to self: I give you permission to rest and rest well. When you sleep tonight you can do so with a feeling of peace and contentment, because you have done well. Yes, you haven’t fixed the business yet, yes you were a bit slow at work today, yes there is more to be done, BUT you’ve worked like a tornado the whole weekend and the start of this week. Just remember what is important. Looking after yourself is number 1 because everything else depends on you being not just okay but being you. I love you and I want you to succeed. You deserve every ounce of happiness in this world. Stop being so hard on yourself. Prioritize. One step a time. Career first, then husband, then business. Okay? But first now rest. Please.