I just have to say – I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU. You’ve been through so much this week – and you managed to survive! Not only that, but you didn’t let one revenue-producing ball drop, you still delivered your lectures. Even when the ER doctor misdiagnosed you, and you were feeling like dog shit and the confusion was at its worst, you managed to keep enough of a level head to figure out that you actually have a kidney infection – and then you got yourself the right treatment.
And now I am probably going to be OKAY – because of you!
I really appreciate you looking after me this well. And I adore the new dinner boxes you’ve ordered for us. They’re amazing, tasty, convenient. I didn’t even have to cook this whole week and won’t have to cook the weekend and there isn’t a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. And Blue Eyes is still alive and there’s an easy option for him to eat something healthy and filling whenever he gets hungry.
I know I don’t say this often, and I probably should say it more, and I probably should be a little less hard on you (or sometimes even a lot), but I think you are a FREAKING ROCKSTAR. You are such a strong woman. You’re resilient, you’re beautiful, you’re drop-dead gorgeous – inside and out. Sometimes I don’t even know how you keep it all together, but you do! You’re amazing and I’m so thankful to have you in my life!
Please read this letter whenever you’re feeling down or out or alone – because you’re not. I care about you and I think you’re amazing. And I want you to know that we’ll always get through whatever we need to go through – together! We are some of the strongest people in this world – I can promise you.
Now please just take the rest of the weekend off. Rest, recover, enjoy. You’ve earned it. I love you. Take care of you. Speak soon.
Lots of Love,
PS: This is the first letter written in this style – to me, by me. I learned this from my first therapist. Sometimes it helps to imagine you as if you are a friend of yourself. What would you say? Today this is what I would say. I hope it helps you too…whoever you are.
I’m still looking for friends to share this journey with me… I want it to be one of raising awareness, sharing hope, sharing ideas, sharing love, inspiring… and having a place to turn to when you’re down. Feel free to drop a comment or message me if you’re going through anything. Maybe I’ll write a letter to you next. 🙂
Sending love and vibrance your way.
PPS: Lesson learned – If you ever have severe nausea, thirst, and fatigue, struggle to concentrate, and backache and you get a pregnancy test and it’s negative – you might have a freaking kidney infection! Get medical help immediately. They can do urine tests and other things to confirm.
I started working with a new therapist via Wysa today. I’m trying out text therapy for the first time. It sounds like a good idea. I mean it’s not really like having a therapist it’s more like having a very overqualified coach. She can’t go into any trauma and grief work with me because that can be triggering and quite difficult to deal with over text, but she can help me work on my self-esteem, attempt to lower my anxiety, and teach me some ways to better regulate and process my emotions.
I mean as someone with BPD this is probably something I do need so I’m gonna give it a go. I would very much like to not see my in-person therapist anymore. I think I figured out that she doesn’t really have my best interest at heart. She wants to get a psychiatrist involved. And she said some things that upset me a little bit. Like she kept going on about the fact that we haven’t really gotten into any trauma therapy or anything yet because there have been large gaps in therapy.
Well, it’s not my fault that I had long Covid. If she did video therapy we could’ve still had our sessions over Zoom, but she doesn’t. And whenever I need to move a therapy session I have to wait two weeks to book another one, but I never moan about that.
And she also once asked me if I shouldn’t maybe just get a job, like she doesn’t believe in my business. Nope, now that I’m writing that down I’m pretty sure she doesn’t get me and she doesn’t deserve me as a client. I’m leaving.
She also forgot that I’m logging my mood on Wysa and when I asked her if she can give me something that I can work through in order to do what I need to do (and I still don’t know what that is) she gave me some stupid sheet she copied from a workbook on writing out your life’s vision.
It’s like we are making no progress and I think I’ve given her more than enough time to start making some things shift. All that’s happening is that I’m having more nightmares and anxiety, which also makes me think that she doesn’t have my best interest at heart. And she once asked me ‘so what’s your excuse this time.’ when I was telling her how hard it is to fit gym into my schedule.
I mean some of her suggestions have been helpful, but I can’t work with a therapist that doesn’t believe in my business. We’re doing some really good work and she hasn’t even bothered to try to understand that or what I do in the business. Just the other day she asked me if it was worth it – the work I was putting into my business.
I’ll work with the Wysa person, try to write more on here and stuff, and maybe try to figure out what I should be writing about in order to get rid of my trauma and to work through what I need to work through (any suggestions would be appreciated).
Anyway – so the reason for this post – the Wysa person gave me homework. I have anxiety about things on my to-do list. Mainly, I feel anxious when making calls on prioritizing tasks on my list – no matter how I organize it, because I never trust that I’m making the right choice. It’s gotten to the point where it’s a paralyzing fear of mine. I’m constantly scared that I’m spending my time on the wrong things, that I’m going to ruin our business, that I’m making the wrong choices, that I’m letting people down… All that even before I get to START doing the things on my list!
So I’m supposed to challenge those unhelpful thoughts, by making a list of everything that is true about me, my work ethic, and my decision-making skills. Then I can read those truths when anxiety is lying to me…
I thought I’d do it here because you know… I like to share with you what I’m doing…and who knows, maybe it helps you too. It’s hard though – I’m not gonna lie. I find it difficult to say positive things about myself… but I’m supposed to remember that I’m focusing on real truths, like indisputable facts. Things that don’t change along with my mood, but remain true no matter what happens in the rest of my life. That’s such a new thought process for me, but okay… here goes. Let me try…
The indisputable truths about me, my business, and decision-making skills are that:
(Oh my gosh I’m already thinking about a whole list of negative truths, but I’m gonna persevere through the discomfort and just write the damn list.)
Screw it, I’m taking a coffee break first.
Okay, I’m back. Let’s just do this.
The indisputable truths about me, my business, and decision-making skills are that:
I teach Corporate Governance and Business Ethics at MBA level (and I’ve earned the respect, admiration, and gratitude of quite a few cohorts of students that have documented this in their reviews of me).
My first business’s business model won me a local nomination as one of the Top 35 under 35 Chartered Accountants in my Country.
I did build my first business from having 0 clients to 60 clients in under 6 months.
I did build my first business to the million Rand turnover mark within the first two years of having it.
I did build my second business to the million Rand turnover mark within the first two years of having it, and because of the help from my business partner, it is set up to be much more scaleable than the first one.
We are able to, at the moment, and have been for about 8 months now, comfortably cover our monthly costs, and some luxuries and experiences with the kids.
I did help some of my clients in the new business grow their own businesses exponentially. One grew from 1 client to 12 in 3 months. Another got retrenched and went from no revenue to 140% of his previous salary in 6 months.
I have been a part of all the decision-making for our business up to this date. In fact, most decisions are informed by me.
And okay fine – while I’m thinking about this. Yes, I was the person that chose my ex-husband. And he did abuse me. And everyone did warn me that he was no good. And I still chose him. BUT – I ALSO CHOSE TO LEAVE HIM. I was also the person to choose to leave for good. And I was also the person that chose my new person – blue eyes – and he’s been NOTHING but good to me.
And I do feel bad that I allowed him to abuse my dogs. I do, but I know better now. And I will never let that happen again. Not on my watch.
Does that count?
Maybe I’ll do a better job of compiling future lists… I’ll keep trying anyway.
It drives me nuts that I’m almost wondering if he is okay, if he needs more of me if he needs a hug… Oh shit, he’s not responding to me. What if he hates me? He hasn’t hugged me in like 10 minutes. I wonder what I did wrong.
I need to work on all of that shit. Currently, I’m just attempting to bring my attention back to me more… When I catch myself getting anxious I try and explore it a bit… Why? And lately, now that I’m noticing it, the answer is usually that I’m wondering about Blue Eyes…
What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s cold? What if he’s dying? I mean he coughed more than once… What if, what if, what if he leaves me? What then? What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if he never did?
Even as I’m writing about it I can feel the anxiety sitting in my throat… like a big nasty bullfrog – eating away at my self-confidence. It’s really difficult being so scared…
Maybe if I remind myself that I was just as scared before leaving my ex-husband. I thought I would rather kill myself than try to live without him… And then I met blue eyes. And the thought of being with my husband started seeming more bearable. Not nice, or even okay, but bearable. Like I didn’t have to die, bearable.
It’s like I’m always living on the edge – waiting for you to leave me.
It’s like I’m always living on the edge.
Always, waiting, staring at the drop.
Standing, cradling myself on a ledge.
Always here, but never enough.
Did I do it right?
Did I do it enough?
Have I pleased you?
Have I earned your love?
It sits in my stomach.
It claws at my throat.
Do you love me enough
not to leave?
Because if you leave I don’t think I would make it
Well maybe I would but
I don’t want to.
Please don’t leave, Oh my God
I’m begging you please don’t leave
I’m crying I’m pleading
Just please – NO LEAVING.
I’m struggling to breathe.
You’re sitting on the couch.
I’m hating myself.
I bit my lip.
My blood runs thick.
I blink my eyes.
What if this is it.
I knew I could’ve done better.
Then you would’ve stayed.
I knew all along
You’d eventually go away
Because my happiness can’t be forever
That’s the lie I tell myself
And I always remind me
that I’ve never been good enough.
Stop it. Calm down.
Nothing is actually happening.
Stop focusing on him.
Come back to the present.
Leave the what if’s alone.
Keep your shit at bay.
He’s still sitting on the couch.
He’s still here. He stayed.
He’s my best friend.
The cycle inevitably begins again.
He always tells me that he wouldn’t fuck me if he wasn’t attracted to me. And he’s not yet said that he loves me. Maybe he someday will. He’s got his own baggage, I know. I just wish there was some kind of – any kind of – confirmation from his side.
But he says that he would never have gone to this much trouble if I wasn’t important to him. And he makes sure that I know that he’s faithful to me. I love him. I do.
We had the best day ever. Well, it was really good. We went on to meet up and found a group meeting up for a Poetry lunch. I shared some poetry. He got involved in the conversation. We both laughed a lot. There were some really nice people there – all misfits and weirdos that we shared a meal with.
Now I’m going to bed and hoping for the best for tomorrow. But I wanted to just document this day, becue my goal going forward is to have more days like today. and to remember that days like today literally only happen when I let go of my anxiety, stop being so freaking fearful and anxious, open my eyes, and concentrate on making myself happy – meeting my own needs o that I’m pleasant to be around and not a drain or anxious shackle. I gotta just remember to think about and attempt to meet my own need first. Blue Ey will understand, in fact, he’ll probably be happy and follow suit, doing the same for himself.
So I wanted to document that goal so you can help keep me accountable.
Thank you again so much for listening to me. And for being here with me every step of the way – while I figure out life’s sticky situation.
The poetry I read today in the poetry lunch club was from this blog. And I realize that if you weren’t here and listening to me, I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to document any of it. It was so cool being able to just pull pieces of poetry from the blog and when people ked bout the timeline I could just give it to them. Obviously, I didn’t share the blog. No one knows it was me. My physical self remains completely hidden from you, but my emotional self is all in – and so grateful for having met you.
I feel like a piece of me died when I left my ex husband. I am worried that I will never be able to love again.
At the moment I am kind of in a relationship with a new person. He is wonderful, but its not the same. I’m not in love. I could LOVE him. He is LOVEABLE. I SHOULD be able to fall in love with him and love him, but the truth is… I’m not in love and I don’t love him.
I care about him. I think he is a great person. I want to fall in love with him… and at the same time there is something so broken inside of me… I’m not sure if I even still have the capacity for love. This makes me very sad. What makes me even more sad is thinking that for him, it is probably the same, because he was in love before and he was forced to leave her as well and I know that broke him into a thousand pieces.
How can you ever love again after that? Is there life after love?
When I met my ex-husband it was like I was struck by lightning. I know he felt the same when he met his ex. I was so in love. Everything was rosy and beautiful. The sky became more blue. The world was a better place. All I wanted to do was be with this person.
Everything was fun and funny. We had the best adventures. We held hands. My love was returned. We wrote poems to each other. We declared our undying love for each other. We painted together. We faced tough times together and survived. Everything was worth fighting for. I could climb mountains and survive being drowned by life because he was there and he was my everything. Everything.
And now he’s gone.
Slowly, over the years, while I stayed in love, he started falling out of love with me. It was evident in the way he treated me, but I didn’t want to notice. We stopped holding hands. We stopped going on adventures together. He stopped wanting to have sex. He told me everything was my fault and that God was angry with me. He alienated me from God, my family, friends and most of all…from myself.
I stopped taking care of myself. I started feeling very lonely and eventually worthless to the point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I still loved him. Things got worse. I would try to cook for us. He would refuse to eat the food I made. I would work 16 hour days, he would do nothing but sleep and drink and play games or whatever.
I felt resentful, but I made excuses in my head for him until the resentment went away. I would spent nights worrying about when he is coming home, if he is coming home. We never did fun or nice things together anymore. I bought a datebox subscription. He refused to complete the datebox tasks with me.
I kept working. I cut my hair short. I never wore makeup. I wasn’t pretty anymore.
Then the physical abuse started. A lot of shouting and being yanked around. I didn’t feel safe. And that one night when I went to fetch him we got into an argument and things got really bad. Our next door neighbour had to intervene. I was so glad that the next door neighbour was here because I was terrified.
He stood over me shouting and kicking at me. Like i was worthless, like he hated me, like everything was somehow my fault. I still loved him. I still remained loyal. I still worked hard. I tried everything. I paid for his therapy, my therapy and couples therapy. Nothing worked. Nothing brought back the man that I had fallen in love with, the man that I was fighting for was gone.
And then on that morning we had spent the night arguing. He wanted the tenants to leave so it would be just us in the house. I didn’t want that to happen. I was afraid. He picked up the phone and called my parents to tell them that I had gone crazy and they need to have me committed.
My dad said to leave my clothes, grab my wallet, get an uber and get on the next plane out of there. I obeyed. I left. My ex told the tenants and the neightbours and my business partners that he had sent me to my parents to have me committed. He also called my psychologist, the one that had helped me deal with my traumatic childhood and told her that I was crazy. He called the one friend I had and told her too.
Everyone believed him, except for the one tenant (the one that saved me that night), my one friend (whom I had met when we were both in a mental hospital recovering from our traumatic childhoods) and the psychologist who had treated me. The psychologist phoned me to check that I was okay and tell me about his weird behaviour, the friend told him she had spoken to me already and I was fine, the tenant, well he was there for me throughout this whole process although he desperately wanted me to come back and not permanently move back in with my parents.
He was so sweet. He was the only person that really helped me through all of this. Even my parents were considering if maybe I had gone crazy or not. They actually called the tenant to confirm that I was not crazy.
But I never fell out of love with my ex. And now I’m in a new relationship with the tenant (the one that saved me that night and that was there for me throughout and that continues to be there for me), but I’m struggling to love him.
Why is that? Will I ever recover from this? Are you sad for me? Are you hopeful? How do you feel about my story and how it could possibly turn out? Please let me know. I could really use a friend right now.
I’m so sorry I haven’t checked in for such a long time… What can I say… life got busy… again.
Anyway, how’ve you been?
I’d really like to commit to writing more regularly to you. I really need more good friends in my life and also more helpful discussions.
About a week ago I experienced the most horrible burnout symptoms . I had headaches and I felt like… why am I even trying? Everyone just wants to take everything from me as soon as I create it so I might as well just give up now if I don’t do something about it.
The reason why I felt like this was because my new partner’s son crashed my car into a pole. It was such a shock. I wasn’t mad at him but I did expect that either him or at least my new partner would deal with the consequences (aka get the car fixed), but instead my new partner spent all his time making his son feel ‘better’ about the crash, like it was normal, which I guess is good parenting, but I just ended up feeling left out, lonely and used.
Right now my new partner is carrying out the repairs on the car. I had to pay for the tools and materials for the repair, but at least my partner is fixing it. The son said he would help with the repair, but I haven’t seen him lift a finger to help his dad. He did help clean the house though.
The son eventually said he would’ve paid for the repairs if he could, but he didn’t have any money in his account. The reason for that is that he doesn’t have a job and he is too busy playing playstation the whole day to find one.
He eats a lot too. I bought muesli on Tuesday and had like one or two helpings. Today when I checked the muesli was done. Its a difficult sitation. The kid is fresh out of school and I feel so much empathy for my partner. It must be killing him that he needs to get this kid to launch, and at the same time he just wants to keep the kid close and have a family (I think). I think if I was in his situation that is how I would feel.
Anyway, this has been causing a lot of emotional turmoil on my side. Because you know how hard I work. I’m literally always working, just to try to get a little bit ahead in life – but it feels like I’m paddling, paddling to keep from drowing and then everytime I get close to the surface an extra weight gets added to my ankles. Like someone keeps moving the goalposts and I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up.
And I want to shout and kick at them and say “Can’t you see I also get tired? Can’t you see how close I am to giving up? Don’t I deserve just at least a little bit of a break? Just take the extra weight away!” But I can’t, because in this case the extra weight is a kid.
All I can do, is try to take better care of myself, try to communicate how I’m feeling, try to communicate the facts and the boundaries and then keep paddling for dear life.
I really hope I will get somewhere someday soon though. I also feel that it is extra bad because I’ve been paddling for so long… My ex-husband didn’t work. I was forced to resign from my cushy uni lecturing job. I ended up becoming an entrepreneur. I did okay. I tried to bring people into the business to help me. I lost all my savings. I got partners on board who were happy to do as little as possible while I do most of the work but we got paid the same salaries from the business I started!
You know what, I guess I am mad at myself for letting all of that happen. I didn’t protect myself at all and I just kept making excuses for all the people around me. And I got taken advantage of, again and again and again. And the results of that is that… I’m still paddling.
And I’m close to drowning and even though there is, for the first time in my life, so many hands reaching out trying to help me reach the surface, I’m not sure if I’ll make it. Even more so I’m not sure if I even trust the hands that are trying to help me because what if all they actually want to do is take more from me.
I don’t even have that much more left to give… How much more could you possibly want to take from me?
I’m deeply sad over what happened to me and I’m angry that I let it happen.
And I feel ashamed that I let it happen. And I feel uncertain about what I am supposed to do to not let it hapen again.
I feel like a failure, useless, like everyone else is just so much more equipped to live life and there’s useless little me… just trying to love everyone and everybody and just getting hurt and used over and over again.
I’m trying to protect myself this time by communicating to my new partner how I feel and what needs to change. I know he also wants his kid to get a job. But how do I tell him.. like hey listen… are you just trying to use me? Can I even trust you?
And what if I say that and he leaves and then I have… what? Just a whole lot of tired to show for life.
Ugh, I hate it when I’m feeling this depro.
So these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. It actually feels good to write it out. So you tell me… am I being too much? What am I supposed to do? Give up on life, move back home and just try to avoid life for the rest of my life? That’s not an option..
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to try to check in with you more often, hopefully daily… just letting you know what I’m thinking and feeling and experiencing. Maybe you can save me? I doubt it but you’re pretty much all I got.
At the same time… this chick on Youtube did say that it is important to journal like this and also to try to identiy your thoughts and feelings. That’s another thing I’m gonna try doing… I want to listen to her videos to try to increase my emotional intelligence… maybe I’ll do better at life then.
What I also want to do is try to increase my emotional vocabulary… So maybe tomorrow I’ll research and publish an emotional cheat sheet.
If you’re reading this, I would appreciate any supportive comments / advice / perspective.
When I woke up this Saturday morning; I realised I’ve been living my week in fear. I had a cold feeling around the space my heart should be and I dreaded waking up. I also have been having nightmares again recently. The context of the nightmares differ, but they have a few things in common; they are not a nice experience; I wake up feeling uncomfortable and in them things are almost always out of control, because the people in them violate my boundaries. For example, I dreamt that I was on a farm and I had to help someone escape, because she was being abused by the people there, but I wasn’t succeeding. It was this nasty feeling of just never ‘being good enough’, never cracking the code, staying a prisoner and dependent on what the abusive people did next.
I am learning about myself and I think these dreams are in line with how I’ve been feeling about life and myself this week. I need to have more faith in myself. I tend to be a very anxious person and to see life as it is right now – with no silver linings – and to then think that life will just always be this way, when this is not true.
I started off the week thinking that my business would just never become profitable and the people in it doesn’t care about helping me make it successful – they just in it to take what they can right now from me. My husband would never contribute towards it, because he is inherently lazy and I would never be successful at the contract I’m working on right now, because I just am not good enough at organising and filing. But I guess I was wrong.
I held a meeting on Thursday with all stakeholders in the business and everyone was there and committed towards sorting things out – even my husband. I had a talk with him beforehand – about him getting up and leaving in the middle of meetings & conversations and he said he wouldn’t do it this time and he didn’t. I told one of the people that I would like her to pay me back petrol money for using my car during the month, and she did.
I also told the other stakeholders that me and my husband couldn’t survive if, when the business doesn’t meet target, they just pay themselves first and then we don’t get paid and they paid him R5,000 and also decided to pay my professional body fee R8,100 to keep me accredited as well as our data fee for working from home R1,200. I also told the guy I was working with that he should pay me for the half day that he gave everyone else off at work. He didn’t, but that is not the point. He could have. And I feel better for raising it.
I also collected some compliments/ advice for my compliment/advice corner this week. The contract guy said “Don’t sell yourself short. You must believe in yourself. I do.” My husband said “You’re not useless. You’re tired. Tired means you’re living.” and one of the business stakeholders said “You must know how much you are worth. You are the backbone of this company, even though you don’t see it right now.”
So was I right to feel fearful this week? I’m starting to think that, that should not be the question. I think emotions aren’t right or wrong or accurate or inaccurate, but it is what you do with them that matters. In this case my fear spurred me on to read about boundaries, which encouraged me to communicate my boundaries this week to other people, which resulted in people treating me with compassion and respect. That is an amazing step for me. I am proud of myself.
I will post the link to the book I was reading about on boundaries on here at a later stage, together with some information I find valuable from it, in case it could help someone else out there. Until then, thanks for giving me this space to vent and think and be safe.
I’m so happy to be here with you right now. I have a lot to say.
These past few weeks have been TOUGH, to say the least! At the same time, coming out of the whole covid thing feels like emerging from a ‘very slimy sucky yucky’ cocoon. It’s like I’ve got new breath in my body. A new chance to redefine some things in my life.
You know what, I’ve been going through this depressed slump, feeling so uncertain and afraid of everything. I was off my meds and basically paralyzed – just going through the motions, but I did it.
I got myself onto the meds again, without too much hassle, and I sought out a therapist I think I can trust, and I survived Covid, and you know what? I think I’m now ready to face the rest of my life…on my terms.
One thing that I’ve realized is that I tend to hold myself back in life so much. I literally live by this unwritten rule that I’m not allowed to put myself first – ever. The only way I get to make ‘sefish’ choices is if those choices just happen to be in the interest of the greater good and benefit someone else…
I’m rambling, but take my life with my ex-husband, for example. I broke free from home, which at that time was an absolute nightmare, but it was only because I was helping my ex-husband start a whole new life with me. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never left home.
I cuddle my dog because I think she needs it. I buy things at shopping centers, based on how those items will make the people around me feel. I say things because it makes other people happy. But when am I going to be the center of attention in my own life for a change?
I crave being seen, yet I don’t see myself. I crave being held and cuddled and kissed, but I never lovingly touch myself. I want to be loved, but I don’t love myself. What would actually happen if I put myself first for a change? If I was my best friend?
If I forgave myself for all the things I feel I might’ve done wrong, if I wash myself clean of the shame, let go of the guilt. What if I actually decided that I deserve better and I’m going to get better? What then?
I deserve to be happy, I really do. In all my time of being alive I’ve never met someone else more selfless, more inherently good, loving and kind than me. And I can honestly say that. People are sh*t. Sooner or later all of them reveal their true colors… but me? I’ve only served since I woke up on this godforsaken planet. And I’m not tired of it. I enjoy taking care of people, making the world a better place, taking care of the good in the world, keeping hope alive, but it’s about time that I served me first.
I feel like its time for me to rekindle my relationship with God as well. For way too long, have I let my evil ex-husband dictate the distance between us. I want a relationship with God, my God – the God of Love, and Good and Peace and Hope, not the God of War and hurt and punishment that my ex told me about when he was beating me. “God wants me to punish you” he said, and I didn’t believe him, but somewhere deep inside myself, I did.
So I want to say I’m sorry for doubting you my God and I’m here and I’m ready. Please take me back and teach me how to love myself. Amen.
And while we’re on the topic of being totally selfish… you know what will be an absolutely amazing achievement in my life? Like the next thing I really really really want to get, that will make me so happy? A couch!
Like the ultimate selfish, almost daybed, you can just sink into and cuddle on and sit and relax and be happy on. Currently, we only have a very old very uncomfortable sleeper couch in the living room, but the next money that I make I’m spending on buying me a couch… and I don’t care what anyone says about it. As long as I make the money I can choose what to spend it on, and what I really really really want in my life, for my home, and to feel loved by myself, is a proper, amazing, awesome couch.
And the next thing after that I want to change is the way our bed is lined up directly against the cold bare wall. I want to be able to sit up happily, comfortably, supported by lots of cushy pillows and a proper bedstand or whatever you call it. That would make me so happy.
I believe I can make it happen. If I just stop getting in my own way.
Already just by putting down these wants on paper, I’m hearing voices about how I’m not good enough, how I won’t be able to get these things, its not worth even trying… but look at what I’ve accomplished… look at what I’ve survived so far…
If I could pull off buying my exhusband a pool table, because I thought it would keep him home more, whilst starting up my first business… If I could make my first office furniture out of paper… if I could buy a King Size bed that my husband rarely ever shared with me… If I could leave him and survive the separation, bury my dog, start another new business, keep both me and blye eyes alive whilst surviving covid… If I could do all of that… then surely I can make enough money to have a coach… and a headboard with some cushions…
I’m ready to have that. I’m so ready to have that. Please, God bless me and my new person and my new life and, let me have that.
And so I guess, my hope is that Covid killed the old me, so that the new of me may actually have a chance at actually living…
It’s been 5 days since I started taking sertraline/ Serdep again. I’m taking the 50 mg tablet. I got really sick on day 3, when I tried to take the 100mg tablet. I was nauseous, getting hot flashes. I think I had a fever. And I definitely had a headache and blurry vision.
Day 1 was just more dhiaree and heartburn. Day 2 was fine – I felt a little different but not too much. Day 3 was the worst, with the vomiting. I basically slept half the day and all I could eat was half a boiled potato. Day 4 was a little better, but still very nauseous and headache. I taught a three-hour lecture to MBA’s the morning on Corporate Governance and Business Ethics and then again just lay down/ slept for the rest of the day.
Today is Day 5 and so far so good. I still feel nauseous. My mind is racing. I feel anxious. And I struggled to sleep. I’m fine though. Much better than yesterday.
Yesterday Blue Eyes did something that really hurt my feelings. He spoke to GamerGirl again. He calls her “His other woman”. He said things like “I can make you scream. You’ll be begging and screaming at the same time.” And when she said something about going to sleep, he said, “Not with me – you’ll have to earn that.”
Just like a couple of comments like that. He does this in front of me. I mean, he’s been flirty with her before in front of me, but not like this. This was like not even veiled, next level in my face. And I didn’t like it.
NewGuy, from work, was online with them while all this was happening. It made me feel so humiliated. I started picturing being at a braai with him and being stuck in some corner – abandoned and forgotten while he flirted with some girl like this.
I just don’t like it. It makes me feel humiliated and forgotten, not even jealous, just hurt that he would do that in front of me without even considering how it might make me feel. Anyway, I did tell him that it hurt my feelings.
I’m proud of myself for actually voicing this.
He said that that’s just the way he is with women and it feels like I’m in on it. That’s why he does it in front of me – not behind my back. He said he wouldn’t act that way at a braai. He could judge what behavior is appropriate or not.
And then, I’m not sure if I imagined it or not but things were different after. He suddenly was more guarded, I think. We had sex and I snuggled up to him. He moved away twice. When I asked him if he still likes me, he didn’t respond.
It’s sad. But he’s gotta make his own decisions about what he wants I guess. I just know that I gotto do what’s right for me. And that is not being bullied into a situation where I’m having to accept things I’m not comfortable with.
So I’ve decided that if she comes to visit I’m literally going to go stay with my parents for as long as she is visiting. He can have her, make his choices, and then live with the consequences. I’m too special and important to be treated like a sidepiece.
In other news – Bestie called. He was so sad and crying. He said he would pay for our flights to the UK, he just needs someone around him that is going to be there for him. He said we make him feel safe and loved and cared for. My heart was breaking for him on that call..
At the same time, it was kind of comforting to know that he would trust us enough to reach out when that vulnerable. It makes me feel that I could possibly do the same. And that’s comforting. Having people by your side that understands, loves, and cares for you is such a blessing.
I’ve decided to take the rest of the day off – after having lectured this whole week – 2 to 3 hours of MBA lectures every single day – I’m exhausted. Just want to chill today.
I hope my mind doesn’t catastrophize and remunerate on what Blue Eyes did. I can come up with a million if scenarios, but I don’t want to. I just want to enjoy where I’m at right now, have a good day, rest, recuperate, practice my relaxation skills and then deal with the world again tomorrow.
Do you ever have those moments when you just feel lonely and empty and hopeless for no reason?
I feel like nothing is worth it. And I feel like I have this big open empty wasteland space inside my soul and that I’m standing in the middle of it and like I need so much love it hurts and yet I know – no one can reach me here.
The wind whispers – no one will ever love you. I wonder – why am I even still going?
All out of nowhere this happens. And it makes me so sad.
And then I get sad and it feels like if I shed on tear, I’ll never stop crying, because I have so much sadness inside of me.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with these feelings more and more. In my lucid moments, I wonder if this just means that I’m ready to process the latest trauma in my life. Maybe it just means that my soul feels like I’ve survived the worst of everything now – and now it’s the time to actually reach out and talk about the shit that I’ve gone through.
I think so.
So where to start… I can’t really afford to be paying for therapy right now… or I don’t want to place that financial strain on my finances just yet. I mean things have been going better financially, but I don’t feel like I can justify a massive therapy expense yet.
I do eventually want to go back to therapy though, for sure, but when I can afford it.
Maybe for now… I can just start telling you a little bit about what I’ve been through if that’s okay?
I mean, where do I even start? Okay, let’s start here – with something that has really been bothering me lately.
My body image or self-image or whatever… the way I feel about my body – that’s a huge fuck up right there.
I don’t feel sexy. Most days I don’t even feel like a 5 out of 10. I feel ugly. Disgusting. Like dog shit. Like a pile of vomit. Just not even worth looking at.
I know that’s harsh, but that’s the way I feel.
My body image issues started in my earliest years. My mom always told me to pull in my tummy. I wasn’t really allowed to eat sweets and chocolates. I was the ‘fat’ girl in ballet class – weighing in at 55kg for my 1.6m.
I’ve always been built ‘short and curvy’. Even when I was so underweight that I didn’t even have boobs you could still see in the mirror that I was built curvier than every other girl in ballet class.
When I was 21 we were training for a particularly big concert. Again, my weight was an issue. I wanted to be a professional ballerina at that stage. My mom just always laughed and pointed out that I would never be thin enough for that. Like being thin was a goal that was just way too ambitious for me.
Anyway, I basically stopped eating. My weight dropped to around 45kg I think. I was always a 10. Suddenly I fit into a 6 ( like my mom). It felt great.
I got injured. I started eating again. I stopped doing any kind of exercise – I was sitting in a college class, studying Chartered Accountancy 16 hours a day every day. My body was hurting so much from the withdrawal of physical exercise.
I threw up a lot of the food I tried to eat – my stomach just wasn’t accustomed to having food in it. I had a lot of stomach issues for a long time.
Throughout my corporate career, I continued to get more overweight and more physically unhealthy. I married a man that did nothing for a living. I needed to support both of us. This involved a lot of overtime.
Then came entrepreneurship and I worked even more, longer hours, had less money, became more sedentary. The most physical exercise I would get on any day would be walking from my bedroom to my study – 10 metres.
My husband never told me that I was beautiful. He made me feel so shit about myself. Even when I was still hot – when I weighed 45kg he would make me feel so out of place – embarrassed to be me. Nothing I did was good enough. None of my choices were the right ones. No matter what I said to people that we shared company with it would be the wrong thing.
From the very early days sex was a problem – he didn’t want it as much as I did. Then hugs became a problem too. He didn’t want to kiss me anymore. He didn’t want to hug me. Then he told me God does not want him to have sex with me anymore.
It’s like I had my femininity denied every step of the way. No one wanted me. And now I was even fatter than I was before when I wasn’t really fat. When I spoke to Blue-eyes for the first time I asked him if he thought I was ugly.
He says he would remember that forever. I didn’t tell my I was pretty though. I just told me a whole story about how there is always someone out there that will find a particular feature on you attractive.
I’m in a relationship with him now. He still hasn’t told me that I’m pretty or beautiful or anything. When I ask him he just says that if I wasn’t he wouldn’t be sleeping with me. At least we have sex – a lot. That helps.
I weigh 87kg now. I’m working out every morning – six days a week. I do 2.5 hours of HIIT per week. And 3 hours (sometimes 4) of pole dancing. And 2 hours (when I can) of yoga/ other gym classes.
I try to eat semi-healthy. I don’t keep chips or chocolates in the house. I barely consume any alcohol. The weight just isn’t dropping though.
I’ve only been exercising since November 2021 though. Maybe I’m too impatient. I’m really happy I made the decision to start working out… and to get into pole dancing… I just feel like sometimes I’m not even sure if I’ll ever get back to being my ‘normal’ 55kg.
The other night we were asked to perform a burlesque routine at poledancing. I wore black heels and a red dress with black pole pants. I felt so uncomfortable I almost started crying on my way over there.
When we were taking the photos I felt horrible. It felt like all the other girls are so tiny and I’m just so unforgivably… BIG.
And no matter how I stood in that red dress you could see that I have a tummy. When I’m being really mean to myself I tell myself that I look pregnant, but I couldn’t even get that right – I lost the baby. That was about 6 months ago.
When I was pregnant that was the first time I kind of felt okay again about my body. I felt like I appreciated it and that I wanted to take care of it, cause I was gonna be expecting it to grow a child…
Even just writing about all these things I just actually want to start crying and then before I do I feel like – that will be so pathetic and useless… what’s that going to accomplish? I’ve got so much going for me at the moment.
I don’t want to be one of those spoiled rich people that just like has everything in their life going their way and then its just never good enough and they are just always depressed about something.
But yes, those are some of the thoughts going on in my head at the moment… I guess, now that I’ve written it out, no wonder I’m feeling these empty hopeless feelings… It’s a lot of negative thinking to deal with. I probably need to do some work on changing the way I think about some of these things.
I mean I am proud of myself for doing something about my situation, for starting to exercise again. I’m even proud of myself for squeezing into that red dress and going and doing the routing anyway. And it hasn’t actually been that long since I started exercising. Maybe my weight will still drop.
Maybe I’ll wake up one day and look in the mirror and think like…wow, you’re beautiful, no wonder everyone likes you.
Maybe. Hopefully. Someday.
Let me know if you can relate to any of this?
I’ll try to make more time to tell you more little bits of my story… Maybe it can help all of us…
It’s becoming easier and easier to talk to him… be around him… share stuff with him. I think it’s becoming easier for him to be around me too…
Today we went out to a restaurant and had a sit-down meal. And it was nice. It wasn’t awkward. I didn’t even really think about my ex-husband… I didn’t wish that he was him. I didn’t feel like this was second best.
I felt at home. Happy. And if I did, for a fleeting moment, catch myself starting to feel awkward or make myself believe that he could never love me that way he loved his ex-wife… I reminded myself that that is simply not true.
We are good together. We’re just scared. That’s all.
This valentines day I actually made him a card and gave him a heart-shaped chocolate lollipop. The day before I wrote on the glass window ” I love you”. As he was coming round the corner washing the windows I ran away giggling. I got it on there just in time.
I think those actions are what’s contributing towards making everything much less awkward. I just decided that… I want to love again… fully. And this person is nice. And he’s only been good to me.
I can make myself fall in love with him. Just like I made myself not fall out of love with my ex-husband… for the longest time.
Anyway… I just thought you’d like to know that. That’s the update on Blue Eyes.
Wow, business is going well. I’ve been basically a broke-ass entrepreneur since the time I started this blog, right. Well, not anymore! Those days are officially over! And I believe it just might be for good… this time.
I’m working in the training space – getting gigs from four different educational organizations. I’m earning just about the equivalent of what I was earning back when I was employed at the University. It’s fantastic.
But that’s not even the biggest thing. The biggest thing is since mid-January me and Blue-eyes have actually managed to pull in and ’employ’ our first salesperson – fully commission-based. And WOW, since then said salesperson has signed up 8 new members to our platform – creating a R7,000 per month amount of extra revenue for as long as those members stay on our platform.
Isn’t that incredible?
I am so happy, so blessed. The plan is to continue this performance in terms of membership. Then while this is happening – all of our profit share spaces are also being improved. The people around us are getting inspired by our success and they’re literally rallying around us helping us build.
It’s incredible. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it.
Of course, there have been people showing up, creating drama, trying to get a piece of the pie through any means necessary… There’ve been a lot of vultures around. But blue-eyes have been dealing with him. Sometimes I help a little bit, but mostly he is happy to deal with the people and misunderstandings or whatever needs to be sorted out. Its amazing.
I am a little worried about him burning out though. That’s why I suggested we go out today. He says it doesn’t help him relax, but at least he got out of the house. I think that’s at least something.
I try to feed him proper food everyday… I do our washing. And I try to always encourage and support him and remember to tell him how awesome he is and how well he is doing. I am worried about him, but I can’t assume responsibility for his emotions and his healing journey… So for now I’m just doing what I can to support and trying to be there when he needs me…
So that’s the business side…
On the dance side… Oh WOW. I’m starting to feel a little bit of the old dancer in me come out sometimes during pole sessions… Its really nice.
I still have a super long way to go though. And I went through a bit of a depression/ dip about two weeks ago. I was going to all the HIIT classes – 5 times a week, all the Online gym session – 2 times a week and all the pole dancing sessions – 4 times a week.
And I think it was just a bit much…
So now I’m just trying to do as much as possible, but without doing so much that I get depressed… Its weird like I would literally get depressed about 40 mins after an exercise session and I would feel like super weak and like crying… I think its blood sugar.
I remember growing up I struggled a lot with low blood sugar/ low blood pressure/ no one was ever really sure what it was, but it would involve me getting dizzy/ things going black/ almost feinting/ feeling weak.
At one stage I got so weak that I was literally just laying on the couch for like weeks… But it always kind of went away by itself… I’m hoping this time it will again go away by itself…
Oh, I also stopped taking the pre-workout drink (mostly) before gym sessions so that I don’t end up pushing myself so hard during sessions… And I stopped drinking so much protein shake that I don’t get hungry during the rest of the day- cause that keeps me from eating then, which I think is part of the problem.
Anyway… that’s me. 🙂 Are you proud of me for how far I’ve come? I’m proud of me…
How are you? Let me know in the comments! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Would love to have more friends on here!
By the way… have you ever experienced like the weakness, and almost feinting thing? What is it? Would love to know, because when I test my blood sugar and blood pressure it always comes out normal… To the lower end of normal, but normal…
I’ve realized that I was born to be noticed. I have a thing for wanting to mean more than I mean by myself, for wanting to be more than I am.
I have things inside of me that deserves to be noticed.
I have a goodness inside of me. A willingness to sacrifice myself for the greater good. An ability to endure and withstand pain. I have the ability to inspire, to care, to notice, to leave an impression, to impress, to shock, to nurture.
I am terrified of being kept in a cage, forgotten in a box, shoved onto a shelf, gathering dust.
Perhaps that is why I find this new hobby fascinating…
I never knew there are social media websites where you can post your thougths, pictures, deepest wants and desires, but not your face… never your face…
So remember Blue? Yeah, I told him yesterday that I feel that he takes me for granted. I told him that what really hurt about his interactions with HER (our potential three-way partner, let’s call her Lilly) was that he made her feel special.
He was going on and on about listening with her to her choice of music (which sucks by the way). He said that that was only to make her feel comfortable. So I said, yes so you definitely have the ability to make a girl feel special. It’s just that you choose not to do that with me anymore.
He said that he heard me. Then he tried to come up with something we could do together. It was half-assed, sweet, and pathetic.
I told him what we could do is have a one-off free pass. He could fuck her without me present and then I could do the same with someone else. He said no. He can’t bear the thought of me with someone else and shouldn’t be okay with that either.
What I wanted to say here… Oh wow, the things I wanted to say…
I wanted to say. Blue, do you know what I would choose to do with my free one-off pass? Let me tell you…
I would sign myself up for the biggest fuck-fest I can find. An orgy or a three-way with a kinky couple or a gang-bang. And when asked about my expectations for the night I would say…
“Well, my boyfriend takes me for granted. It’s like he doesn’t even see me anymore. I want him to SEE me. So, in terms of what I’m willing to do… anything and everything. You can take out ALL your fantasies on me. All I ask is that you leave marks. Evidence. I want to return home and I want him to SEE me.”
Then I would proceed to go through with the night. I would be scared and nervous. I’ll probably endure a lot of PAIN, but it would be worth it because when I come back home I will be bleeding, black and blue. There won’t be any part of my body that doesn’t tell the story of what I’ve been through. In fact, you probably won’t be able to use me for at least a week, because I’d be too sore.
That’s what I wanted to say, but of course, I didn’t. Instead, I just mumbled “okay”.
This morning I woke up angry. I hacked into his WhatsApps via the computer (he forgot that he had WhatsApp web on there). Blue and Lilly haven’t been talking. Well, he messaged her to find out how she’s doing just before he told me that he’s thinking it’s not a good idea to continue with her as a potential third because she seems to only have a thing for him and not for me. She only responded this morning so he hasn’t had a chance to say anything.
I’ve decided that I won’t be taken for granted again. I’ve also noticed something – a pattern. I tend to overachieve in relationships. I move too quick, too fast. I want to be the PERFECT partner. I am the perfect partner.
The problem is that other people just can’t keep up. And with me being the perfect partner I expect the same in return… and I haven’t once gotten it… Well except with my ex in the beginning… because he’s a narcissist. Narcissists, because they act from obsession and not love or something more sustainable, are the only personality types (I’m guessing) that can return that level of… affection?
Anyway, I’m letting go now… On purpose, I’m taking a step back. I’m going to focus on making friends and doing things that I like and that make me happy. And I’ll treat him like… a friend, nothing more (well except that we’re sleeping together).
But I’m not going to mom him anymore. If I don’t feel like having sex, I will tell him. I’m going to be happy without him. And then if he chooses to notice me and start doing something, that will be a bonus, but if he doesn’t I will still be balanced… or at least more balanced than I am right now.
I’m a great girl, I think. I’m very caring. I’m curious. I’m a thrill-seeker. I’m fun, always up for whatever. I’m even into exploring most kinks. What I’m not into is being taken for granted – Not again.
Yeah, I can’t believe it either. I mean, on some levels I can, and on some levels, I can’t…
Anyway, so my (currently calls himself boyfriend – let’s call him Blue cause he has blue eyes) met a chick on Tinder. Why was he on tinder? I kind of did tell him that I’ve always wondered about what it would be like to be with a girl.
I mean I don’t know how it is for you, but I’ve never been majorly attracted to what I guess most other people find attractive… physical attributes. Big muscles, blond hair, blue eyes, classically good looks… those things aren’t the things that do it for me.
For me it’s about a shy smile, a moment shared a warm embrace, a deep connection, a caring heart, a nerdy laugh. I know it sounds cliche or maybe weird, but it’s true. Sexuality also doesn’t play such a massive part for me I don’t think.
I mean I’ve never experimented, but when I had just gotten divorced and was dating on Tinder I actually thought to myself… maybe what went wrong is that I’ve only been with guys, maybe I should try being with a girl instead.
Anyway, so we had this discussion, and he, having had threesomes before, obviously saw a golden opportunity. I mean, why settle for the milk if you can have a cow farm, right? LOL
So he’s been meeting with people on tinder and this chick indicated that she hadn’t had a threesome before but she’d be open to trying it. So off I went to buy the meat, salads and garlic bread for the braai.
I waxed myself – a Hollywood!!! Well, Blue kind of helped with the parts I couldn’t see so much. I even booked myself an aromatherapy massage for an hour before the meetup so I would stay relaxed and smell nice. I spent a lot of money…
We met up at a local restaurant/bar. He had been sexting with her the night before. We had some drinks. I had cheap wine. We made small talk. I don’t know if he felt her up when he hugged her hello like his messages said he would.
I guess I wanted it to be hot, and thrilling, something I could tick off my bucket list. I wasn’t attracted to her at all, there was no chemistry between us. Not sure how much there was between Blue and her.
But I figured I could give it a shot. How bad could it be? I’m pretty sure I’ve had worse guys in bed and the fact of the matter is if Blue was into it, he’d make sure I was pleasured too, I know that, he’s good in bed like that. Or that’s the thoughts I was sticking with.
Anyway, we made it back home with her in tow. We put the meat on the braai. She played us her music – Indie Alternative, which didn’t really help the mood. I was more thinking of Pitbull or The Pretty Reckless, but hey… Blue was apparently very into her music and they ended up playing Mumford and Sons.
Everything was going well at this point in time. I would think as well as it could be going with a chick that I wasn’t really into… And then all of a sudden she just made an excuse, apparently, her friend needed. It wasn’t even a good excuse, and she left.
I didn’t feel relief like I thought I would. I felt slightly cheated. I had gone through all this effort and stress and was willing to pleasure her even though I wasn’t feeling it… and then she just left.
I’m not sure if she’ll be back. I read the whatsapps between her and Blue. She said she’s not sure if she’s ready to be with a couple but maybe we can meet up a couple more times. He complimented her ass.
My thing is, why the hell would we meet up again? Because there are very few unicorns in the unicorn sea?
Blegh, I know what, to be honest, I can’t help thinking that if Blue put half of the effort and attention that he’s putting into chatting to her into spending time with me, everything would be better. I mean, he calls me his girlfriend, but we were only out last night because we were meeting her.
We only braaied because she was here. We only spent time chatting together, because we had to because she was here. Look I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, but I’m saying a want so much more and I’m not sure if I’m willing to fight for that.
You know after she left, he told me that he didn’t have a need to fuck other women. During our date with her, he told me and her how special I am to him. And I know I shut him down when he says things like that.
In the WhatsApp that I read he told her that I’m short and curvy and he finds that sexy as hell. But still, I want more. I want to be a one and only person’s everything. I want their undying devotion, their constant attention. Compliments, affection, care, love, quality time.
With my ex-husband that was all there straight off the bat. With this relationship, not so much – it’s developing really slowly. Then again, my ex soon forgot about me and then proved to turn into a raging abusive psychopath…
I feel like, with my previous relationship, it was like I was in a relationship with my mom. And now, with this one, I’m scared that I might just be stepping into a relationship with someone like my dad. And my dad cheated on my mom. Constantly. Repeatedly.
Only time will tell. At least for now, I’m determined to build a life in which I take care of having my needs met. So, if he doesn’t want to spend time with me, connecting and doing the things I want to do, I will find some people who do and who will. More than one of them. Male or female. And I’ll call them friends.