Perspective and the pieces of me that died

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Hey You,

I feel like a piece of me died when I left my ex husband. I am worried that I will never be able to love again.

At the moment I am kind of in a relationship with a new person. He is wonderful, but its not the same. I’m not in love. I could LOVE him. He is LOVEABLE. I SHOULD be able to fall in love with him and love him, but the truth is… I’m not in love and I don’t love him.

I care about him. I think he is a great person. I want to fall in love with him… and at the same time there is something so broken inside of me… I’m not sure if I even still have the capacity for love. This makes me very sad. What makes me even more sad is thinking that for him, it is probably the same, because he was in love before and he was forced to leave her as well and I know that broke him into a thousand pieces.

How can you ever love again after that? Is there life after love?

When I met my ex-husband it was like I was struck by lightning. I know he felt the same when he met his ex. I was so in love. Everything was rosy and beautiful. The sky became more blue. The world was a better place. All I wanted to do was be with this person.

Everything was fun and funny. We had the best adventures. We held hands. My love was returned. We wrote poems to each other. We declared our undying love for each other. We painted together. We faced tough times together and survived. Everything was worth fighting for. I could climb mountains and survive being drowned by life because he was there and he was my everything. Everything.

And now he’s gone.

Slowly, over the years, while I stayed in love, he started falling out of love with me. It was evident in the way he treated me, but I didn’t want to notice. We stopped holding hands. We stopped going on adventures together. He stopped wanting to have sex. He told me everything was my fault and that God was angry with me. He alienated me from God, my family, friends and most of all…from myself.

I stopped taking care of myself. I started feeling very lonely and eventually worthless to the point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I still loved him. Things got worse. I would try to cook for us. He would refuse to eat the food I made. I would work 16 hour days, he would do nothing but sleep and drink and play games or whatever.

I felt resentful, but I made excuses in my head for him until the resentment went away. I would spent nights worrying about when he is coming home, if he is coming home. We never did fun or nice things together anymore. I bought a datebox subscription. He refused to complete the datebox tasks with me.

I kept working. I cut my hair short. I never wore makeup. I wasn’t pretty anymore.

Then the physical abuse started. A lot of shouting and being yanked around. I didn’t feel safe. And that one night when I went to fetch him we got into an argument and things got really bad. Our next door neighbour had to intervene. I was so glad that the next door neighbour was here because I was terrified.

He stood over me shouting and kicking at me. Like i was worthless, like he hated me, like everything was somehow my fault. I still loved him. I still remained loyal. I still worked hard. I tried everything. I paid for his therapy, my therapy and couples therapy. Nothing worked. Nothing brought back the man that I had fallen in love with, the man that I was fighting for was gone.

And then on that morning we had spent the night arguing. He wanted the tenants to leave so it would be just us in the house. I didn’t want that to happen. I was afraid. He picked up the phone and called my parents to tell them that I had gone crazy and they need to have me committed.

My dad said to leave my clothes, grab my wallet, get an uber and get on the next plane out of there. I obeyed. I left. My ex told the tenants and the neightbours and my business partners that he had sent me to my parents to have me committed. He also called my psychologist, the one that had helped me deal with my traumatic childhood and told her that I was crazy. He called the one friend I had and told her too.

Everyone believed him, except for the one tenant (the one that saved me that night), my one friend (whom I had met when we were both in a mental hospital recovering from our traumatic childhoods) and the psychologist who had treated me. The psychologist phoned me to check that I was okay and tell me about his weird behaviour, the friend told him she had spoken to me already and I was fine, the tenant, well he was there for me throughout this whole process although he desperately wanted me to come back and not permanently move back in with my parents.

He was so sweet. He was the only person that really helped me through all of this. Even my parents were considering if maybe I had gone crazy or not. They actually called the tenant to confirm that I was not crazy.

But I never fell out of love with my ex. And now I’m in a new relationship with the tenant (the one that saved me that night and that was there for me throughout and that continues to be there for me), but I’m struggling to love him.

Why is that? Will I ever recover from this? Are you sad for me? Are you hopeful? How do you feel about my story and how it could possibly turn out? Please let me know. I could really use a friend right now.

My New Partner’s Son crashed my car into a pole

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Hey You!

I’m so sorry I haven’t checked in for such a long time… What can I say… life got busy… again.

Anyway, how’ve you been?

I’d really like to commit to writing more regularly to you. I really need more good friends in my life and also more helpful discussions.

About a week ago I experienced the most horrible burnout symptoms . I had headaches and I felt like… why am I even trying? Everyone just wants to take everything from me as soon as I create it so I might as well just give up now if I don’t do something about it.

The reason why I felt like this was because my new partner’s son crashed my car into a pole. It was such a shock. I wasn’t mad at him but I did expect that either him or at least my new partner would deal with the consequences (aka get the car fixed), but instead my new partner spent all his time making his son feel ‘better’ about the crash, like it was normal, which I guess is good parenting, but I just ended up feeling left out, lonely and used.

Right now my new partner is carrying out the repairs on the car. I had to pay for the tools and materials for the repair, but at least my partner is fixing it. The son said he would help with the repair, but I haven’t seen him lift a finger to help his dad. He did help clean the house though.

The son eventually said he would’ve paid for the repairs if he could, but he didn’t have any money in his account. The reason for that is that he doesn’t have a job and he is too busy playing playstation the whole day to find one.

He eats a lot too. I bought muesli on Tuesday and had like one or two helpings. Today when I checked the muesli was done. Its a difficult sitation. The kid is fresh out of school and I feel so much empathy for my partner. It must be killing him that he needs to get this kid to launch, and at the same time he just wants to keep the kid close and have a family (I think). I think if I was in his situation that is how I would feel.

Anyway, this has been causing a lot of emotional turmoil on my side. Because you know how hard I work. I’m literally always working, just to try to get a little bit ahead in life – but it feels like I’m paddling, paddling to keep from drowing and then everytime I get close to the surface an extra weight gets added to my ankles. Like someone keeps moving the goalposts and I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up.

And I want to shout and kick at them and say “Can’t you see I also get tired? Can’t you see how close I am to giving up? Don’t I deserve just at least a little bit of a break? Just take the extra weight away!” But I can’t, because in this case the extra weight is a kid.

All I can do, is try to take better care of myself, try to communicate how I’m feeling, try to communicate the facts and the boundaries and then keep paddling for dear life.

I really hope I will get somewhere someday soon though. I also feel that it is extra bad because I’ve been paddling for so long… My ex-husband didn’t work. I was forced to resign from my cushy uni lecturing job. I ended up becoming an entrepreneur. I did okay. I tried to bring people into the business to help me. I lost all my savings. I got partners on board who were happy to do as little as possible while I do most of the work but we got paid the same salaries from the business I started!

You know what, I guess I am mad at myself for letting all of that happen. I didn’t protect myself at all and I just kept making excuses for all the people around me. And I got taken advantage of, again and again and again. And the results of that is that… I’m still paddling.

And I’m close to drowning and even though there is, for the first time in my life, so many hands reaching out trying to help me reach the surface, I’m not sure if I’ll make it. Even more so I’m not sure if I even trust the hands that are trying to help me because what if all they actually want to do is take more from me.

I don’t even have that much more left to give… How much more could you possibly want to take from me?

I’m deeply sad over what happened to me and I’m angry that I let it happen.

And I feel ashamed that I let it happen. And I feel uncertain about what I am supposed to do to not let it hapen again.

I feel like a failure, useless, like everyone else is just so much more equipped to live life and there’s useless little me… just trying to love everyone and everybody and just getting hurt and used over and over again.

I’m trying to protect myself this time by communicating to my new partner how I feel and what needs to change. I know he also wants his kid to get a job. But how do I tell him.. like hey listen… are you just trying to use me? Can I even trust you?

And what if I say that and he leaves and then I have… what? Just a whole lot of tired to show for life.

Ugh, I hate it when I’m feeling this depro.

So these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. It actually feels good to write it out. So you tell me… am I being too much? What am I supposed to do? Give up on life, move back home and just try to avoid life for the rest of my life? That’s not an option..

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to try to check in with you more often, hopefully daily… just letting you know what I’m thinking and feeling and experiencing. Maybe you can save me? I doubt it but you’re pretty much all I got.

At the same time… this chick on Youtube did say that it is important to journal like this and also to try to identiy your thoughts and feelings. That’s another thing I’m gonna try doing… I want to listen to her videos to try to increase my emotional intelligence… maybe I’ll do better at life then.

What I also want to do is try to increase my emotional vocabulary… So maybe tomorrow I’ll research and publish an emotional cheat sheet.

If you’re reading this, I would appreciate any supportive comments / advice / perspective.

Lots of Love,

Me

Proud of myself

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When I woke up this Saturday morning; I realised I’ve been living my week in fear. I had a cold feeling around the space my heart should be and I dreaded waking up. I also have been having nightmares again recently. The context of the nightmares differ, but they have a few things in common; they are not a nice experience; I wake up feeling uncomfortable and in them things are almost always out of control, because the people in them violate my boundaries. For example, I dreamt that I was on a farm and I had to help someone escape, because she was being abused by the people there, but I wasn’t succeeding. It was this nasty feeling of just never ‘being good enough’, never cracking the code, staying a prisoner and dependent on what the abusive people did next.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
Text by Ariel Hopewhispers

I am learning about myself and I think these dreams are in line with how I’ve been feeling about life and myself this week. I need to have more faith in myself. I tend to be a very anxious person and to see life as it is right now – with no silver linings – and to then think that life will just always be this way, when this is not true.

I started off the week thinking that my business would just never become profitable and the people in it doesn’t care about helping me make it successful – they just in it to take what they can right now from me. My husband would never contribute towards it, because he is inherently lazy and I would never be successful at the contract I’m working on right now, because I just am not good enough at organising and filing. But I guess I was wrong.

I held a meeting on Thursday with all stakeholders in the business and everyone was there and committed towards sorting things out – even my husband. I had a talk with him beforehand – about him getting up and leaving in the middle of meetings & conversations and he said he wouldn’t do it this time and he didn’t. I told one of the people that I would like her to pay me back petrol money for using my car during the month, and she did.

Image by suju from Pixabay
Text and graphics by Ariel Hopewhispers

I also told the other stakeholders that me and my husband couldn’t survive if, when the business doesn’t meet target, they just pay themselves first and then we don’t get paid and they paid him R5,000 and also decided to pay my professional body fee R8,100 to keep me accredited as well as our data fee for working from home R1,200. I also told the guy I was working with that he should pay me for the half day that he gave everyone else off at work. He didn’t, but that is not the point. He could have. And I feel better for raising it.

Image by Soorelis from Pixabay
Text by Ariel Hopewhispers

I also collected some compliments/ advice for my compliment/advice corner this week. The contract guy said “Don’t sell yourself short. You must believe in yourself. I do.” My husband said “You’re not useless. You’re tired. Tired means you’re living.” and one of the business stakeholders said “You must know how much you are worth. You are the backbone of this company, even though you don’t see it right now.”

So was I right to feel fearful this week? I’m starting to think that, that should not be the question. I think emotions aren’t right or wrong or accurate or inaccurate, but it is what you do with them that matters. In this case my fear spurred me on to read about boundaries, which encouraged me to communicate my boundaries this week to other people, which resulted in people treating me with compassion and respect. That is an amazing step for me. I am proud of myself.

Image by Mabel Amber, still incognito… from Pixabay
Text and graphics by Ariel Hopewhispers

I will post the link to the book I was reading about on boundaries on here at a later stage, together with some information I find valuable from it, in case it could help someone else out there. Until then, thanks for giving me this space to vent and think and be safe.

Featured Image by Hans Braxmeier from Pixabay

I am terrified of not being noticed. Wanna See?

I’ve realized that I was born to be noticed. I have a thing for wanting to mean more than I mean by myself, for wanting to be more than I am.

I have things inside of me that deserves to be noticed.

I have a goodness inside of me. A willingness to sacrifice myself for the greater good. An ability to endure and withstand pain. I have the ability to inspire, to care, to notice, to leave an impression, to impress, to shock, to nurture.

I am terrified of being kept in a cage, forgotten in a box, shoved onto a shelf, gathering dust.

Perhaps that is why I find this new hobby fascinating…

I never knew there are social media websites where you can post your thougths, pictures, deepest wants and desires, but not your face… never your face…

Wanna see?

I’m CuriousLibra699

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric on Pexels.com

Bleeding Black and Blue

Photo by Deon Black on Pexels.com

Hey You,

So remember Blue? Yeah, I told him yesterday that I feel that he takes me for granted. I told him that what really hurt about his interactions with HER (our potential three-way partner, let’s call her Lilly) was that he made her feel special.

He was going on and on about listening with her to her choice of music (which sucks by the way). He said that that was only to make her feel comfortable. So I said, yes so you definitely have the ability to make a girl feel special. It’s just that you choose not to do that with me anymore.

He said that he heard me. Then he tried to come up with something we could do together. It was half-assed, sweet, and pathetic.

I told him what we could do is have a one-off free pass. He could fuck her without me present and then I could do the same with someone else. He said no. He can’t bear the thought of me with someone else and shouldn’t be okay with that either.

What I wanted to say here… Oh wow, the things I wanted to say…

I wanted to say. Blue, do you know what I would choose to do with my free one-off pass? Let me tell you…

I would sign myself up for the biggest fuck-fest I can find. An orgy or a three-way with a kinky couple or a gang-bang. And when asked about my expectations for the night I would say…

“Well, my boyfriend takes me for granted. It’s like he doesn’t even see me anymore. I want him to SEE me. So, in terms of what I’m willing to do… anything and everything. You can take out ALL your fantasies on me. All I ask is that you leave marks. Evidence. I want to return home and I want him to SEE me.”

Then I would proceed to go through with the night. I would be scared and nervous. I’ll probably endure a lot of PAIN, but it would be worth it because when I come back home I will be bleeding, black and blue. There won’t be any part of my body that doesn’t tell the story of what I’ve been through. In fact, you probably won’t be able to use me for at least a week, because I’d be too sore.

That’s what I wanted to say, but of course, I didn’t. Instead, I just mumbled “okay”.



This morning I woke up angry. I hacked into his WhatsApps via the computer (he forgot that he had WhatsApp web on there). Blue and Lilly haven’t been talking. Well, he messaged her to find out how she’s doing just before he told me that he’s thinking it’s not a good idea to continue with her as a potential third because she seems to only have a thing for him and not for me. She only responded this morning so he hasn’t had a chance to say anything.



I’ve decided that I won’t be taken for granted again. I’ve also noticed something – a pattern. I tend to overachieve in relationships. I move too quick, too fast. I want to be the PERFECT partner. I am the perfect partner.


The problem is that other people just can’t keep up. And with me being the perfect partner I expect the same in return… and I haven’t once gotten it… Well except with my ex in the beginning… because he’s a narcissist. Narcissists, because they act from obsession and not love or something more sustainable, are the only personality types (I’m guessing) that can return that level of… affection?

Anyway, I’m letting go now… On purpose, I’m taking a step back. I’m going to focus on making friends and doing things that I like and that make me happy. And I’ll treat him like… a friend, nothing more (well except that we’re sleeping together).

But I’m not going to mom him anymore. If I don’t feel like having sex, I will tell him. I’m going to be happy without him. And then if he chooses to notice me and start doing something, that will be a bonus, but if he doesn’t I will still be balanced… or at least more balanced than I am right now.

I’m a great girl, I think. I’m very caring. I’m curious. I’m a thrill-seeker. I’m fun, always up for whatever. I’m even into exploring most kinks. What I’m not into is being taken for granted – Not again.

The Almost Three-Way

Hey You

I almost had a threesome last night.

Yeah, I can’t believe it either. I mean, on some levels I can, and on some levels, I can’t…

Anyway, so my (currently calls himself boyfriend – let’s call him Blue cause he has blue eyes) met a chick on Tinder. Why was he on tinder? I kind of did tell him that I’ve always wondered about what it would be like to be with a girl.

I mean I don’t know how it is for you, but I’ve never been majorly attracted to what I guess most other people find attractive… physical attributes. Big muscles, blond hair, blue eyes, classically good looks… those things aren’t the things that do it for me.

For me it’s about a shy smile, a moment shared a warm embrace, a deep connection, a caring heart, a nerdy laugh. I know it sounds cliche or maybe weird, but it’s true. Sexuality also doesn’t play such a massive part for me I don’t think.

I mean I’ve never experimented, but when I had just gotten divorced and was dating on Tinder I actually thought to myself… maybe what went wrong is that I’ve only been with guys, maybe I should try being with a girl instead.

Anyway, so we had this discussion, and he, having had threesomes before, obviously saw a golden opportunity. I mean, why settle for the milk if you can have a cow farm, right? LOL

So he’s been meeting with people on tinder and this chick indicated that she hadn’t had a threesome before but she’d be open to trying it. So off I went to buy the meat, salads and garlic bread for the braai.

I waxed myself – a Hollywood!!! Well, Blue kind of helped with the parts I couldn’t see so much. I even booked myself an aromatherapy massage for an hour before the meetup so I would stay relaxed and smell nice. I spent a lot of money…

We met up at a local restaurant/bar. He had been sexting with her the night before. We had some drinks. I had cheap wine. We made small talk. I don’t know if he felt her up when he hugged her hello like his messages said he would.

I guess I wanted it to be hot, and thrilling, something I could tick off my bucket list. I wasn’t attracted to her at all, there was no chemistry between us. Not sure how much there was between Blue and her.

But I figured I could give it a shot. How bad could it be? I’m pretty sure I’ve had worse guys in bed and the fact of the matter is if Blue was into it, he’d make sure I was pleasured too, I know that, he’s good in bed like that. Or that’s the thoughts I was sticking with.

Anyway, we made it back home with her in tow. We put the meat on the braai. She played us her music – Indie Alternative, which didn’t really help the mood. I was more thinking of Pitbull or The Pretty Reckless, but hey… Blue was apparently very into her music and they ended up playing Mumford and Sons.

Everything was going well at this point in time. I would think as well as it could be going with a chick that I wasn’t really into… And then all of a sudden she just made an excuse, apparently, her friend needed. It wasn’t even a good excuse, and she left.

I didn’t feel relief like I thought I would. I felt slightly cheated. I had gone through all this effort and stress and was willing to pleasure her even though I wasn’t feeling it… and then she just left.

I’m not sure if she’ll be back. I read the whatsapps between her and Blue. She said she’s not sure if she’s ready to be with a couple but maybe we can meet up a couple more times. He complimented her ass.

My thing is, why the hell would we meet up again? Because there are very few unicorns in the unicorn sea?

Blegh, I know what, to be honest, I can’t help thinking that if Blue put half of the effort and attention that he’s putting into chatting to her into spending time with me, everything would be better. I mean, he calls me his girlfriend, but we were only out last night because we were meeting her.

We only braaied because she was here. We only spent time chatting together, because we had to because she was here. Look I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, but I’m saying a want so much more and I’m not sure if I’m willing to fight for that.

You know after she left, he told me that he didn’t have a need to fuck other women. During our date with her, he told me and her how special I am to him. And I know I shut him down when he says things like that.

In the WhatsApp that I read he told her that I’m short and curvy and he finds that sexy as hell. But still, I want more. I want to be a one and only person’s everything. I want their undying devotion, their constant attention. Compliments, affection, care, love, quality time.

With my ex-husband that was all there straight off the bat. With this relationship, not so much – it’s developing really slowly. Then again, my ex soon forgot about me and then proved to turn into a raging abusive psychopath…

I feel like, with my previous relationship, it was like I was in a relationship with my mom. And now, with this one, I’m scared that I might just be stepping into a relationship with someone like my dad. And my dad cheated on my mom. Constantly. Repeatedly.

Only time will tell. At least for now, I’m determined to build a life in which I take care of having my needs met. So, if he doesn’t want to spend time with me, connecting and doing the things I want to do, I will find some people who do and who will. More than one of them. Male or female. And I’ll call them friends.

Now it is just about figuring out how to do that.

Anyway, thanks for listening!!!

I love you.

Ariel

Just stuff I think everyone should know

You deserve the world,

you stunning person.

So take it.

Don’t wait.

If you wait for someone to

hand it over

you’ll end up waiting

forever.

People are selfish like that.

But if you take it for yourself

you’ll have it,

so you can share it.

The world is yours,

just take it.

If you wait for one day

when you’re good enough

you’ll wait forever,

because you were good enough

yesterday.

The day you were born you were

good enough already.

Now if your parents never told you

how proud they are of you,

then do something good and tell yourself.

Look after your soul.

Look after yourself.

There’s something really special

inside of you

don’t wait until you lose it

to tell me that I’m right.

And never give up,

you’ve got to fight,

because this is war

and you’re a person too.

If I was my best today, I would say…

Hey You πŸ™‚

I just wanted to tell you that I am super fucking proud of you.

I know it sometimes feels like no one sees you, but I do, I see you… and I LOVE what I see!

You’ve been working super fucking hard and no one ever stops anymore to tell you if you’re doing okay or not. That’s okay. I’m telling you you’re doing fine! Don’t sweat it.

I love the drawings you’ve been doing. They’re not dumb or stupid, they’re beautiful and colorful and quirky and uplifting, just like you! Do what you can with what you got. That’s what they remind me of.

I know you wanted to be further along already with your business and training projects, but seriously, no one expects you to be super human. You’re doing your best and that is still better than 98% of the other humans out there.

I know you get irritated, frustrated, and angry more easily these days, but remember – you’re going through a lot! You’ve gone from basically never moving to exercising 6 times a week! I’m proud of you just for being courageous enough to take this step to stand up for yourself. It’s like by taking the money to pay for gym and healthy food you’ve said: I matter. That’s great, because you do.

You put a lot of pressure on yourself though, to have to lose that much weight that quickly. You know what, you’re doing the right things. You know what I’d say… Marry the process, let go of the results. What will be must be. You just keep doing you. You’re lovely. The world is a better place just for having you in it. You’ve got a kind of beauty that isn’t measurable in looks and everyone sees it.

Don’t worry so much abour the growth rate of your business. It IS GROWING. It’s not going backwards, you’re moving forwards and you’re learning along the way. Remember this is all new to you, but I trust you. You’re smart. You’ll figure it out.

Just promise me one thing: you’ll put yourself first for a bit now, please? You’re one of the most beautiful human beings I know, don’t let yourself get raped by life now, not again, you hear me? Its time for you to look after you. You deserve it.

I love you. Now take some time off to do something that matters to you, that you love doing, that makes you feel good. Whatever you want to do. You’ve earned it.

Lots of love,

Ariel

If you were your best friend, what would you say to you today? πŸ™‚

The fitness challenge and hope

Hey You!

I missed you! I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner. My parents have been visiting the past week and you know how I am when there are people around me… It’s all about them and not about me at all…

Anyway… How am I?

Good question!

I was in court last week Monday. The criminal case against my ex-husband almost proceeded to trial. It was stressful. I don’t know if I wanted it to proceed or not. It was a very emotional day.

His attorney pushed the whole morning to have the case heard and then just when I was prepped and ready, they through some stupid argument in there about the prosecutor not having the authority to proceed with the case and it was postponed again.

The next time though, it is likely that the case will be heard and I will be forced to recall and tell the story of that night…. The night when my heart broke and my mind shattered. The physical blows where not nearly as painful as the blows to my psyche, my self-confidence, my understanding of the world…

When people hear my story they feel sorry for me and they give me their Ï’m sorry’s”. It doesn’t help at all. What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry too…

I’m sorry that he couldn’t love me the way I loved him. I’m sorry that he ended up hated me. I’m sorry that nothing I ever did was good enough. I’m sorry that he didn’t want to sleep with me anymore.

I’m sorry about the wasted years. I’m sorry about making the wrong choices. I’m sorry about the damage that this did to my relationship with my parents. I’m sorry about the damage that this did to my body. But more than anything I’m sorry about the scars on my psyche. My will to survive has been damaged. Sometimes it feels like I never actually knew myself.

Anyway, I’m angry these days, and depressed. I read up about it. Apparantly these are two of the stages of grief after divorce. Its normal to experience them as long as you don’t get stuck in them. How am I supposed to not get stuck in them? What does one do to not get stuck in them?

Go for therapy? I don’t have money for that… yet…. But as soon as my ship comes in I’m buying myself a shitload of therapy… Until then, you’re pretty much what I got in terms of therapy… You and… me…

I’ve been purposefully trying to be kinder to myself. Well, to be honest, I realised I don’t really have a choice anymore. I’m tired and depressed and angry and that’s normal. And we don’t know how long it will last, but for now I’ve got to be my own best friend… or at least try…

So what I’ve done is…

I’ve promised myself that we will prioritise my health and wellness again from here. Even if/ when it costs money, I’ll just have to work that little bit smarter/ harder to make up the money but I cannot go through life and perform in my job with a shattered soul AND a body I’m ashamed of. The body is easier to fix and a quicker win…

So I’m actually proud of myself, because, even with all of this nastiness surrounding my soul and clouding my mind, I chose to sign myself up for pole dancing classes 3 times a week, starting yesterday.

I mean it also did help that my parents gave me some money for my birthday and that they moaned again ( in the most supportive way possible) about my weight.

The hour I spent at pole dancing class yesterday made me feel like… I was livign a different persons life… For one hour I was living someone’s life that had it all together, that had time to just spend on doing something she enjoys…with people that seem kind enough.

It was good. I will keep on going back. It was fun. I’m sore today and its a good reminder of what I did yesterday.

I also found a fitness challenge at a gym nearby. I paid the R4,000 deposit this morning. The deal is that if I follow their eating and exercise program religiously, document the story on Facebook and manage to lose 9kg I get my money back, which means I would’ve gotten the eating plan and 30 exercise classes, weigh-ins and coaching for free…

I’m scared, and I’m already thinking of how much its gonna cost to only buy healthy food, protein powder and the expensive supplements they want me to take…but I’m already in for it now… And it’s only 6 weeks. I guess I’ll just try my best and let you know how it goes.

Anyway, I probably should be getting back to work for a bit.

I’m seeing my friend on Wednesday – that’s going to be fun and my brother is teaching me a new game called Hearthstone. I’ll tell you all about that at a later stage.

Lots of love,

Ariel

Let me know how you’re doing?

Just a Quick Check In

Hey You πŸ™‚

I’ve missed you. I’ve been thinking of writing to you, but I just haven’t made the time. I’m sorry. I’m here now though.

So on Sunday our leadership coach came through to our house and stayed for 4 hours just to help us figure out how to lead our business into the future. I was so thankful for his company. We figured out so much together.

He also got my co-founder to take responsibility for one of the revenue streams, whilst I focus more on the other and he helped me figure out that if I block off my time in the morning to focus on the big task I want to accomplish for the day I can deal with all the tiny tasks in the afternoon, in between our meetings, but at least I would know that the big thing I want to work on has been worked on.

This is different from the way usually work, because usually I would like to choose a big task and then work on it until it is done, but that’s not feasible in the real world. It might have been when I was going to school and my tasks were all homework, but now that I’m running a business its just not…

I really hate when my partner smokes in the room. He is doing it right now. Hopefully he’ll stop soon and go back to his vape.

Anyway… I’ve been doing my new “rich person” routine in the morning, where I literally pretend that I’m already rich and have life made until 10:00 in the morning. So from the time I wake up, up until 10:00 I literally only do what I like to do or want to do… so I’ve been belly dancing again, doing yoga, meditation, creative work, blogging, etc in that time.

It is incredible how much happier it has made me feel throughout the rest of the day and week. It makes me resilient. It makes me a nicer person and it makes it easier for me to deal with everything that life throws at me. It also gives me this obvious glow (because I’m really happy) that people on meetings notice, whether consciously or not, and it intrigues them, it makes them want to join us, buy into our vision, learn our secrets.

Its good. I must remember how important this routine is. Who thought that by taking care of myself I could increase our networth?

Anyway, I love dancing again! It makes me feel so feminine! I’m shocked at how unfit I am though… I’d like to finish the classes I’m doing on Youtube and then go for actual real classes when I can afford to.

I’d like to poledance and do competitions too. It will be fun. It makes me remember a side of me that I thought was long since dead.

Anyway, so that’s me, nothing too deep or hectic tonight. I just wanted to check in.

How are you doing? It feels like we haven’t spoken in ages! Let me know πŸ™‚

Lots of love,

Ariel

Recovering from burnout and a small turtle

At some point during today I was feeling so depressed and hopeless. It felt like all that was left to do for me was to start taking my anti-depressants again.

But now, my best friend, had her baby and I was reminded of the important things in life. I have a massive headache and I was tired and struggling through the last of today. I think that’s because I went to bed late last night.

But I managed to do some washing today, which is odly something that makes me feel really proud of myself.

I also went for another walk and I even did some yoga and made time for crochet.

I feel like I am starting to take better care of myself

My productivity hasn’t improved yet, and, compared to my normal workpace, its still really bad, but I kinda feel like that is okay. At least I’m getting pieces of myself back. And I have hope that I’ll get back to full capacity soon.

Suffering from burnout is really not nice, but I’m grateful for small wins.

I’ll get there.

For now I’m just going to curl up into a ball and make myself cozy, listen to a sleep meditation and drift off into dreamland.

Goodnight awesome person. Let me know if you’ve ever suffered from and had to recover from burnout whilst life was still going full steam ahead? How did you do it?

Ps: I saw a small turtle when I took my dog for a walk today. It was SO tiny, tinier than the palm of my hand. A total baby turtle. It made me smile.

So I promised I would check in more often

Hey You,

So I promised I would check in more often. This is me doing that.

Apparantly I had a dream last night about an Eric person. I said “No, Eric, don’t do it like this” or something. I don’t know an Eric so that’s weird. However, it wasn’t a nightmare or otherwise I would’ve remembered it, so I’m grateful.

It feels awkard to check in everyday though. I’m kind of thinking like WOW, that’s a lot about me. How can I spend this much time talking about me, but I did say I’d try to do this so.. and I guess it is good that I practice being more aware of myself…

So let’s see…

Today I felt very unsure of myself. It felt like I’m not sure of what I’m supposed to be thinking or feeling. I wasn’t sure whether or not I am loveable or worth loving.

I also discovered that I feel like if I don’t achieve something for the day, I shouldn’t be loved for the day.

That is heartbreaking, isn’t it?

So I guess my work is to be a rebel and start loving myself anyway… break the rule and just love myself.

I walked for 15 minutes today – to the shop and back, because my car is still being fixed and because I started a wellness challenge with the entrepreneurs in my tribe. I’m supposed to do 15 minutes of movement per day for the next 10 days and apparantly that habit will start building a whole lot of positive change in my life.

I didn’t get time to crochet today and its already past bedtime. That makes me sad. And it makes me feel like I should’ve done better today. At the same time I did a lot today.

I spoke to a prospective new monthly client. I did a lot of Linkedin farming (marketing). I read and actioned all the emails and whatsapps. I mean, I didn’t get everything on my list done, but I did do a lot. I trained someone on how to do the graphics and social media posting for our Youtube Channel so that work will hopefully get done without me in the future.

I also had a productive coaching session with our business coach. I’m wondering if he is mad at us. I don’t know maybe I’m just being paranoid. I hope he still loves us.

I spent 15 minutes on Wysa working on positive thinking. It helped make me feel a lot better than I was feeling.

I think my self-esteem is really low and I’m kind of contstantly wondering if I’m good enough. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. Have you ever felt that way?

I need to start thinking kinder thoughts about myself. I’ll get there.

I did make myself tea. And I let myself have a bath with the calming music playing in the background so I’m trying to be nice to myself.

My partner’s ear is hurting and I think he is getting a headcold.

I am worried about not having everything under control, not getting through my to-do list everyday. Apparantly its normal to not get through your to-do list – if you do, you have problems – that’s what my business coach said. I guess the key is just to look after yourself and be as productive as you can be. Hope for the best…work as hard as you can, but also take care of yourself.

I’m not 100% yet. I can feel that. But I’m doing much better than last week at least I’m sure.

I also had a call with my family. It was nice. I love them. I’m glad things between us are getting resolved. Life’s too short to live with too many regrets.

I am stressed because there are a lot of big things I want to get done and one big thing I need to get done and I’m not sure if I actually will be able to.

The thing is emails and whatsapps take a long time to resolve everyday. There is so many clients, so many people that want to talk to me on a daily basis that need things from me. When you add all the 5 minute tasks together it can eat up the whole day very quickly! I wonder if I can do emails and whatsapps every second day.

How do other business people do it?

Tomorrow I’ll try what my business coach suggested – starting with a solid two hours of solid work on something big, then meetings will happen and in between I’ll just have to get to the whatsapps and emails I can get to. The rest will have to wait.

But I’m not gonna let work eat my whole day when I do this. Tomorrow I want to make time for meditation, crochet, walking / moving and updating my blog again so that will be priority over emails and whatsapps.

I have to write out a list of all the tasks that need to be done to make my business function on a daily basis – that is coaching homework. I think I’ll do that first. After that I’ll start working on the document I want to make that explain the benefits of being one of our clients. Everything else must filter in between.

I’m too tired to update my planner book now, but maybe I should just quickly do it.

Anyway, how are you doing?

Thanks for listening. It does help to have someone to talk to about these mundane things. πŸ™‚ I do feel a little bit calmer everytime we speak :).

Lots of love,

Ariel