I’m so happy to be here with you right now. I have a lot to say.
These past few weeks have been TOUGH, to say the least! At the same time, coming out of the whole covid thing feels like emerging from a ‘very slimy sucky yucky’ cocoon. It’s like I’ve got new breath in my body. A new chance to redefine some things in my life.
You know what, I’ve been going through this depressed slump, feeling so uncertain and afraid of everything. I was off my meds and basically paralyzed – just going through the motions, but I did it.
I got myself onto the meds again, without too much hassle, and I sought out a therapist I think I can trust, and I survived Covid, and you know what? I think I’m now ready to face the rest of my life…on my terms.
One thing that I’ve realized is that I tend to hold myself back in life so much. I literally live by this unwritten rule that I’m not allowed to put myself first – ever. The only way I get to make ‘sefish’ choices is if those choices just happen to be in the interest of the greater good and benefit someone else…
I’m rambling, but take my life with my ex-husband, for example. I broke free from home, which at that time was an absolute nightmare, but it was only because I was helping my ex-husband start a whole new life with me. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never left home.
I cuddle my dog because I think she needs it. I buy things at shopping centers, based on how those items will make the people around me feel. I say things because it makes other people happy. But when am I going to be the center of attention in my own life for a change?
I crave being seen, yet I don’t see myself. I crave being held and cuddled and kissed, but I never lovingly touch myself. I want to be loved, but I don’t love myself. What would actually happen if I put myself first for a change? If I was my best friend?
If I forgave myself for all the things I feel I might’ve done wrong, if I wash myself clean of the shame, let go of the guilt. What if I actually decided that I deserve better and I’m going to get better? What then?
I deserve to be happy, I really do. In all my time of being alive I’ve never met someone else more selfless, more inherently good, loving and kind than me. And I can honestly say that. People are sh*t. Sooner or later all of them reveal their true colors… but me? I’ve only served since I woke up on this godforsaken planet. And I’m not tired of it. I enjoy taking care of people, making the world a better place, taking care of the good in the world, keeping hope alive, but it’s about time that I served me first.
I feel like its time for me to rekindle my relationship with God as well. For way too long, have I let my evil ex-husband dictate the distance between us. I want a relationship with God, my God – the God of Love, and Good and Peace and Hope, not the God of War and hurt and punishment that my ex told me about when he was beating me. “God wants me to punish you” he said, and I didn’t believe him, but somewhere deep inside myself, I did.
So I want to say I’m sorry for doubting you my God and I’m here and I’m ready. Please take me back and teach me how to love myself. Amen.
And while we’re on the topic of being totally selfish… you know what will be an absolutely amazing achievement in my life? Like the next thing I really really really want to get, that will make me so happy? A couch!
Like the ultimate selfish, almost daybed, you can just sink into and cuddle on and sit and relax and be happy on. Currently, we only have a very old very uncomfortable sleeper couch in the living room, but the next money that I make I’m spending on buying me a couch… and I don’t care what anyone says about it. As long as I make the money I can choose what to spend it on, and what I really really really want in my life, for my home, and to feel loved by myself, is a proper, amazing, awesome couch.
And the next thing after that I want to change is the way our bed is lined up directly against the cold bare wall. I want to be able to sit up happily, comfortably, supported by lots of cushy pillows and a proper bedstand or whatever you call it. That would make me so happy.
I believe I can make it happen. If I just stop getting in my own way.
Already just by putting down these wants on paper, I’m hearing voices about how I’m not good enough, how I won’t be able to get these things, its not worth even trying… but look at what I’ve accomplished… look at what I’ve survived so far…
If I could pull off buying my exhusband a pool table, because I thought it would keep him home more, whilst starting up my first business… If I could make my first office furniture out of paper… if I could buy a King Size bed that my husband rarely ever shared with me… If I could leave him and survive the separation, bury my dog, start another new business, keep both me and blye eyes alive whilst surviving covid… If I could do all of that… then surely I can make enough money to have a coach… and a headboard with some cushions…
I’m ready to have that. I’m so ready to have that. Please, God bless me and my new person and my new life and, let me have that.
And so I guess, my hope is that Covid killed the old me, so that the new of me may actually have a chance at actually living…