It’s amazing to me how much I still miss her – the mom I never had and never will have.I felt so much for her. I picked up her pain and carried it as my own. I would cross deserts for her, swim oceans for the hope… The hope that someday one day she would recognise me as a person, see me, touch me, hear me, talk to me. And we would do everything that I thought a mom a daughter should do.But I couldn’t save her. I have a mother. She is a woman and she is a stranger to me. We never shop together. We never have coffee. We never gossip or watch movies. Come to think of it – no wonder I was bad at all those things when I was young and had no friends… If my own mother couldn’t love me enough to do those things with me who could? I guess that is what I thought. That must be why I felt a inferior so utterly useless, rejected. I always though it was because of my absent father but I think I’ve kind of come to terms with that now. What I miss now, is what I suspect I’ve been missing all along – mom.It breaks my heart to say this, but I guess I need to let it out, face the facts, acknowledge what I never had… So one day I might move on. For now I am still half numb, not wanting to admit it, ashamed for not being a better daughter so my mom could love me, ashamed for not saving her, ashamed for leaving her, just so ashamed, and very sad.
Published by arielhopewhispers
I've got borderline personality disorder. I'm divorced. I'm in my early thirties. I'm really confused. I'm in a relationship. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm honest. I like to think I'm a good person. I'm definitely an empathic person. I'm a caring person. I try to make the world a better place. I experience extreme highs and extreme lows. I have difficulty processing emotions. I have difficulty maintaining relationships. I've got an extreme fear of abandonment. I'm still learning how to be a better me. I have low self-esteem. You'll have to look very far to find a more loving person than me. I love deeply and fiercely. I love dogs. I love dancing, writing, poetry. Occasionally my posts include poetry. Most of the time it's just me talking to you. It helps me process things. It helps me remember things. It helps me create a sort of constant reminder of who I am. I'm grateful to those of you who read my posts and leave a helpful comment. I try to include helpful links to resources and stuff, when I can. This platform means the world to me. I've met some really wise, amazing and supportive people. Thank you for giving me a space where I can literally just be me - no holds barred. View all posts by arielhopewhispers