I still miss her

It’s amazing to me how much I still miss her – the mom I never had and never will have.I felt so much for her. I picked up her pain and carried it as my own. I would cross deserts for her, swim oceans for the hope… The hope that someday one day she would recognise me as a person, see me, touch me, hear me, talk to me. And we would do everything that I thought a mom a daughter should do.But I couldn’t save her. I have a mother. She is a woman and she is a stranger to me. We never shop together. We never have coffee. We never gossip or watch movies. Come to think of it – no wonder I was bad at all those things when I was young and had no friends… If my own mother couldn’t love me enough to do those things with me who could? I guess that is what I thought. That must be why I felt a inferior so utterly useless, rejected. I always though it was because of my absent father but I think I’ve kind of come to terms with that now. What I miss now, is what I suspect I’ve been missing all along – mom.It breaks my heart to say this, but I guess I need to let it out, face the facts, acknowledge what I never had… So one day I might move on. For now I am still half numb, not wanting to admit it, ashamed for not being a better daughter so my mom could love me, ashamed for not saving her, ashamed for leaving her, just so ashamed, and very sad.

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