It was me.

So its been an interesting week of up and down… Up and down… So many things have happened. My anxiety is at an all time high. Strange that my anxiety is now more present than it was before me and my husband reconciled… It’s like I sometimes have delayed reactions to life and its happenings. Does anyone else ever get that?

I’ve had some interesting realisations this week:

1. It really is extremely unkind to enable someone to be a worse form of themselves. No wonder this is classified as abuse!

2. If I was brutally honest with myself there is a possibility that I enable a worse form of my husband because if he was his best or even just better… Where would that leave me? Would I even be good enough?

3. All these issues that I have with him not fulfilling my unmet needs, like taking me out to go do things I like… Are not really his problems… Their mine… I am not taking care of me. I am not allowing myself any fun or life… I am holding me back… Not him.

I told him during our fight if he would leave I would literally just be able to be happy. I don’t think that is true. If that were true and I was actually carrying my own load… I would be happy now already. No one else can make you not be happy. It’s just you.

It’s a really strange thing to realise though… All this time this child inside of me has been screaming.. Let me out, let me be, let me have fun. I just want to live! And I thought it was my husband telling her no, when actually… It was me.

Scary sht! What am I even supposed to do now? Now that I’ve figured it out? Say sorry? How do I even begin… Just start going out more? I don’t even know what I want. What do I want? And who is to say it’s the right thing for me?

I’m hesitant, I’m shy in front of myself, like a schoolgirl… Naked. I’m sorry… I didn’t realise. .. Now shall we make some plans to go do something fun? Would you like to meet new potential friends? Get out? Be happy? Let’s, slowly, hold our breaths and try… It’s all we can do little me… Try…

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