I think I might be starting to enjoy loadshedding… At least a bit. 😂 what a randomn thought that I never thought I’d say… I’ve been making it as comfy as possible for myself… With downloads of asmr and powernap videos.. And giving myself permission to use this time for either powernapping, coloring or working in the garden.. All of which I enjoy and appreciate myself for… I guess something I could take from that is that I have the power to make even one of the most uncomfortable negative situations into a positive or at least bearable situation. Wow that’s actually powerful.
I wanted to apologize for the randomn thoughtfulness, but why would I do that? Surely this is more interesting than reading about my latest emotional breakdown? Definitely more uplifting. I guess I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. And for a change I am actually finding answers not just questions. It really feels like I’m progressing. Which is amazing. I am so happy. It’s like finally… All those hours at the new therapist must actually be worth it… Lol. If she was here she would tell me that it’s not her it’s me. I don’t know why it’s so scary impossible for me to believe that.
Totally unrelated thought… I’m not even sure why I have this blog. I mean I know I enjoy writing about my feelings and experiences anonymously, without holding back or checking or pressuring myself you know just being me… But why can’t I do that in a journal? There is something powerful about knowing that somewhere someway someone in this world might read this… And… That’s as much as I know. I’m not sure why that is important to me, but it is. I don’t know, if you are reading this maybe help me with this? Or can you relate? I mean it is highly unlikely that I’ll ever make any money from this blog. It’s not focused, it’s not niche, it’s not written for anyone or about anyone but myself, all the PR in my real life is attached to my name in real life, but I am more me “here” than anywhere else. I don’t have that many interesting things to say… Honestly I don’t know why people would even read this… So I don’t think I’m looking for friendship… Or maybe I’m just scared of admitting it. I do know that the comments I have gotten so far from the community, hasn’t been much, and usually only from bloggers that I chose to follow first… And yet, they have meant the world to me. I guess, perhaps it makes me feel like exist… Like I do have a voice, like I am a person… Not a good one or a bad one, just a person. And I’m allowed to have thoughts and feelings of my own that I’m allowed to ramble on about on this blog. I’m allowed to put them out there for random people to read and I’m allowed to talk to them about it. Maybe that is it. Whatever it is, I am thankful. I am thankful that I can “talk” to you, whoever you are today. A thanks. 💜❤️💖💓 I think I love you. And on that note.. 😘😴Goodnight