This is something that good girls just don’t do

Hey you,

I am stressed out of my mind. My anxiety is sky high. So many interesting things have been happening… At work I’ve been pushing myself to my absolute limits… and haven’t yet reaped the cashflow rewards of not sleeping for two weeks.

In personal life even more interesting things have been having…. I am SO confused. I don’t know if up is down or down is up or where I am or what my name is.

One of our colleagues slept over last night. Now, first of all, life at my new ‘home’ is already complicated because I don’t have a bed yet…so I’m sleeping on a daybed in front of the TV…in the lounge…and as if that wasn’t awkward enough…I’m sleeping WITH the guy that used to be the next door neighbour/ tenant. It just kind of happened…once my husband moved out. He has just kind of been there for me…and well, yeah he’s been sweet and my ego has been bruised because of all the years that my now ex-husband refused to sleep with me whilst making me believe that this was my fault… So its been nice…BUT we’re not an item… If anything, I would want to be in a relationship with him, to take away the fear of being alone, which is not healthy at all…nothing more. And he made it very clear from the get-go that I shouldn’t fall in love with him because to him I’m just a friend with benefits…that’s it.

So his ex came over last night, who coincidentally also works with us in our sales team. Well, to be more exact she came over two nights ago…and stayed since…. We’ve been working non-stop so it just made sense for her to sleep over…twice…. And all went reasonably well and was reasonably not too awkard… although we had to sleep in the same bed…because there is only one bed here…

And then, last night…they start fooling around. Like oh my goodness I was so uncomfortable, I did not know what to do at all. So I started pretending I’m asleep and then I ‘woke up’ and I asked if they wanted me to give them some privacy…to which they both said no very quickly… It was just awkard… so I got a smoke and when I had finished my smoke I asked if, since they don’t want privacy, we could have my first ever threesome…and she said no. She’d never done it before and she wasn’t about to do it now… which made it even more awkard… Then, when he slipped away to go do something, I whisper-asked her if she would consider just like doing it with me… and she said she would…

And that was it. I woke up feeling very confused… I’m not sure why but I feel sad and depressed… Why did he have to start fooling around with her last night? Like was that really necessary? I mean I know when I’m not here he does have sex with her and I know that I’m not in a relationship with him, but we’ve been sleeping together basically every night since we had to move in together…because of finances…. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. And I don’t know how I actually feel.

I can’t be hurt can I? I think maybe I’m just tired, super anxious and over worked.

Also, somethings gotto give, if we don’t achieve something in terms of sales and cashflow this week I don’t know what we are going to do in terms of funds…we’re running out of food and out of options… I might have to find a job…which at this rate, to be honest, I’ll probably look for something abroad…not ideal with covid and lockdowns, but… I just want out…I want uncomplicated…and I want a new husband…and a family…and for my heart to be unbroken…

In unrelated news, I did absolutely no work today, because I was so exhausted depressed and confused, so what I did do was start reading and recording some of my previous blog posts… I finished one now, with video and sound effects and I put it on Youtube… Its a very therapeutic process. I think it helps me dissapear from reality and process my emotions at the very same time….which is great… I hope you enjoy it… give me feedback? If you have any advice for me please give it…

I am so confused. I’m freshly divorced, and now this happened and I just don’t know if my entrepreneurial ventures are going to be successful…and I don’t know if I still want to be here. I’m just not sure…and I’m judging myself for that and for being a mess and for being a slut… I should right? This is something that good girls just don’t do???

This one is from “The Moon and the Scars” entry on 10 July 2020…

2 thoughts on “This is something that good girls just don’t do

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