I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for basically conducting my own therapy session with the help of ChatGPT. I started this session off feeling so shit, hopeless, negative, and bitter… like I have been for the past months. Now I’m feeling….happier, proud of myself, a little hopeful, and impressed with my ingenuity.

I’ll definitely do more sessions like this one… and publish them for whoever is out there that needs to read this. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you just need to know you’re not alone and not the only one that feels the way you do. Maybe you need to see how situations can be worked through in order to create new moments… better moments, filled with hope.

I hope my ramblings reach and help some people… and if you’re reading this thank you. It means a lot to me to have a space to express how I really feel without holding back at all… and that’s what this blog is for me… its what it’s always been.

ChatGPT:

“Disillusionment refers to the feeling of disappointment or disenchantment that arises when one’s expectations or beliefs are not met or proven to be false. It is a common experience that can result from various situations, such as failed relationships, unfulfilled career aspirations, and unrealized goals.

Disillusionment can be a difficult emotion to manage, as it often involves feelings of loss, sadness, and sometimes anger or resentment. However, it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-reflection, as it prompts us to re-evaluate our beliefs and expectations and to potentially set new goals and priorities.

It’s important to note that not all disillusionment is negative or unhealthy. In some cases, it can be a necessary step toward greater clarity, maturity, and wisdom. Nonetheless, it’s important to find healthy ways to process and cope with disillusionment, such as seeking support from loved ones, engaging in self-care activities, or seeking professional counseling or therapy.“

Have you ever felt disillusioned?

I’m not sure, but after many months of just feeling generally shitty, scared, tired, anxious, and lackluster I believe that this is maybe what I am dealing with.

I’m a hard worker. I don’t generally slack off. When I was small I was told that the harder I work, the better grades I get, and the easier life will be… after all the hard work. So I did that. Then I was told the harder the degree I get, the better the qualification I achieve, and the easier life will be… after all the hard work. Then I guess I told myself that I could make any dream a reality… if only I worked hard enough at it.

So I graduated with straight A’s, got myself a qualification as a Chartered Accountant, earned a Master’s Degree, started a business…and guess what? Life isn’t easy… I’m on the other side of the initial hard work and what I’ve found on the other side is basically just more hard work.

I don’t like the finance field. I don’t like sitting in an office… working all day. I miss dancing, I miss being free, I miss the job I had teaching at a university that I lost because I wasn’t black enough. And I wonder what I am doing wrong because my business isn’t making enough money to sustain us. I’m freelancing a lot. It’s hard work. And once the hard work is done, so is the money… so then I need to freelance some more. The more I freelance, the more I neglect the business, and the less money the business makes, and it’s already making so little.

It feels like I’m stuck in this endless black hole of hard work and not much else, to be honest. How am I supposed to dream of a future? How am I supposed to even have a future if things never start building? We’re always living hand to mouth. Just barely… surviving. Okay, fine, most months we’re doing more than just surviving. We’re able to have coffee, and a sandwich every now and again. We’re able to pay for a gym membership. Sometimes we can have a good time out with the kids, but that’s about it. There’s nothing more.

And again I lie. There are some opportunities in the pipeline, but they’re few and …. not certain. And right now, I feel like I need some ‘certain’ in my life. I just feel like I deserve more, better… I’ve worked so hard. I’ve done everything ‘right’, except maybe not having a job whilst building my business, but I’m just one person and I didn’t choose the color of my skin and its not my fault that my whole country is slowly being flushed down the drain and unemployment is skyrocketing and there are so few jobs, and even the ones that are available just don’t go to people like me.

I wish I could just get a good job abroad, but what would I even do? What are they even looking for? What do I need to do to be considered to be good enough? Or should I just resign myself to my fate? Live with what I’ve created. Freelance my ass off and keep trying to build a business that’s making it so freaking difficult to build.

Maybe I’m being ungrateful. Maybe I’m prematurely giving up. Maybe I’m right and the sooner I can get myself into the ’employed’ category of people, the better the future looks. Who knows. I’m so sick of maybe. I want certain. But there’s not a lot of certain going around right now.

I don’t know what to say.
I’m tired.
I’m anxious.
I feel cheated.
I don’t know what to say.
Sometimes I hold my breath just because it gets so hard to breathe.

I was supposed to have a great job.
I was supposed to be rewarded…

For always doing everything right.
For cheating myself, from the youngest grade.
Instead, all I got was… not getting paid.

Not being good enough.

I feel burnt out.
I feel scared.
I don’t have to have millions.
Don’t have to be a millionaire.
I just want a little bit more than this…

Things are a little bit more doable than it is.
Money to stack just a little bit.
To build up an egg… to be able to have a kid.
Right now, I don’t even know how we’d take care of anyone.
Some months are so bad, we can’t even take care of ourselves.

And I’m wondering, what did everybody else do?
Why are they happy?
Why do they have the good jobs?
Is it because they’re not senseless enough to believe that they could change the world?
Make it a better place?

Sometimes all my dreams, just feel like such a waste.

And it’s only the last 6 months or so I’ve been feeling like this. It was after a period of doing better than we’d ever done before… having more money in the bank than I knew what to do with… and then getting back to reality one month… losing one contract, then another. Losing one customer then the other… Just like a vicious downward spiral. Making it feel like we got so close, but just not good enough… And the push it will take to get us back there, I just don’t know if I have what it takes.

Have you ever felt disillusioned by anything? How did you deal with it?

I asked ChatGPT some questions so I can try make sense of this situations and must somehow move forward in a more positive and less stressful way, and it was actually very helpful!

Here’s our conversation:

Me: Can you identify any negative thinking patterns in the following text?

ChatGPT:

“Yes, there are several negative thinking patterns in the text:

1. All-or-nothing thinking: The author tends to view things in extreme terms. For example, they believe that they have either succeeded completely or failed entirely, with nothing in between.
2. Overgeneralization: The author makes broad, sweeping statements based on limited experience. For example, they assume that their lack of success is due to their skin color or the state of the economy, without considering other factors.
3. Catastrophizing: The author often imagines the worst-case scenario and assumes that things will never improve.
4. Personalization: The author takes personal responsibility for things that are outside of their control. For example, they blame themselves for not having a job while building their business, even though they are only one person and cannot control the job market.
5. Disqualifying the positive: The author discounts any positive experiences or opportunities that they have had and focuses only on the negative.

To deal with disillusionment, it’s important to challenge and change these negative thinking patterns by focusing on the present, practicing self-care, seeking support from loved ones, and exploring new perspectives and opportunities. It can also be helpful to set realistic goals and expectations, and to be patient and compassionate with oneself during the process of growth and change.”

Me: “What can the author do to move forward, fix the negative thinking patterns and improve their situation?

ChatGPT:

Here are some suggestions for the author to move forward, fix the negative thinking patterns, and improve their situation:

1. Challenge negative thoughts: The author can start by identifying their negative thoughts and questioning their validity. For example, they can ask themselves if there is evidence to support their belief that they are not good enough, or if there are other factors that may be contributing to their situation.
2. Focus on the present: Rather than dwelling on past failures or future uncertainties, the author can try to focus on the present moment and what they can do to improve their situation right now.
3. Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself is crucial during times of disillusionment. The author can prioritize activities that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, healthy eating, meditation, and spending time with loved ones.
4. Seek support: Talking to trusted friends or family members about one’s feelings can be helpful. Professional counseling or therapy can also provide a safe and supportive environment to explore and process one’s emotions.
5. Explore new opportunities: The author can consider exploring new career paths or hobbies that align with their passions and interests. This may require stepping out of their comfort zone and taking calculated risks, but it can lead to greater fulfillment and happiness.
6. Set realistic goals: It may be helpful for the author to set realistic and achievable goals for themselves, both short-term and long-term. Celebrating small victories along the way can help to build momentum and motivation.
7. Develop positive thinking patterns: The author can work on developing positive thinking patterns by focusing on their strengths, practicing gratitude, and acknowledging their accomplishments. This can help to shift their mindset from one of negativity and hopelessness to one of optimism and possibility.

Me: Can you rewrite the text from the perspective of someone that has a mindset of optimism and possibility?

ChatGPT:

Sure, here’s a rewrite of the text from the perspective of someone with a mindset of optimism and possibility:

Have you ever felt a desire for change?

After months of feeling stuck and unfulfilled, I’m starting to see that there’s an opportunity for growth and new possibilities.

I’ve always been a hard worker, but I’m realizing that hard work doesn’t always lead to success in the way we expect it to. I’ve accomplished so much already, with straight A’s, a Chartered Accountant qualification, a Master’s degree, and even starting my own business. And while I’ve experienced some challenges, I know that these experiences have taught me valuable lessons and have prepared me for what’s next.

I’m excited to explore new opportunities and find a career path that aligns with my passions and interests. I’m not afraid to take risks and try new things, even if it means stepping out of my comfort zone.

While my business may not be where I want it to be right now, I know that with persistence and hard work, it can be successful. I’m not giving up on my dreams, but I’m also open to new possibilities and opportunities that may come my way.

I’m grateful for the people in my life who support and encourage me, and I’m excited to see what the future holds. I know that success is not always linear, and that there may be setbacks along the way, but I’m confident in my ability to overcome challenges and thrive.

I believe in the power of positivity and gratitude, and I’m looking forward to the possibilities that lie ahead.

Me: What daily homework/ practice can you suggest the author incorporates into their daily life in order to move from negativity and hopelessness to optimism and possiblity?

Here are some daily homework/practices that the author can incorporate into their daily life in order to move from negativity and hopelessness to optimism and possibility:

1. Gratitude journaling: Every day, the author can write down at least three things they are grateful for. This can help to shift their focus from what they don’t have to what they do have, and cultivate a mindset of abundance and appreciation.
2. Positive affirmations: The author can write down positive affirmations, such as “I am capable of achieving my goals” or “I am worthy of success and happiness”, and repeat them to themselves daily. This can help to rewire their brain to think positively and believe in their own abilities.
3. Visualization: The author can take a few minutes each day to visualize themselves achieving their goals and living their dream life. This can help to create a sense of motivation and inspiration, and keep them focused on their desired outcomes.
4. Mindfulness meditation: The author can practice mindfulness meditation, which involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. This can help to reduce stress and anxiety, and promote a sense of calm and clarity.
5. Self-care: The author can prioritize self-care activities, such as exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and spending time with loved ones. This can help to reduce stress and promote physical and emotional well-being, which can in turn lead to a more positive outlook on life.
6. Goal-setting: The author can set realistic and achievable goals for themselves, both short-term and long-term. This can help to create a sense of direction and purpose, and give them something to work towards.
7. Positive self-talk: The author can practice replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk. For example, instead of saying “I can’t do this”, they can say “I’m not sure how to do this yet, but I’m capable of learning and figuring it out”. This can help to build self-confidence and reduce feelings of hopelessness.