It was a glorious day in March 2020. My marriage was well and truly on the rocks. Actually it was more already past the rocks, broken down by rough tides and violent winds, thrown against the sharp edges of rocky reefs, drowned my copious amount of unending tears and was now laying at the bottom of the ocean, decaying, everyday becoming a more painful more dangerous more distant memory.
It had been two weeks since my husband had called my dad to inform him of my (in his mind) fragile state of mental health and his suspicion that all that was left to do with me was to have me locked up in an institution and throw away the key… Like Alice in Wonderland without the Wonderland and without the happy ending…
It had been more than a year since he first layed hands on me. More than a year since I’ve discovered that he wouldn’t hesitate to beat and physically hurt me when and if he needed to. It had been about 6 years since the very bad shouting, intimidation, psychological and emotional abuse had started, but only about 4 weeks since I had opened my eyes to it.
It had been 1 day since I had visited the police station to hand in a 6 page affidavit detailing the statement of the mental, psychological and emotional trauma this man has caused me. One day since I’ve expressed my wishes to the police that I would like them to open a case of harassment, Intimidation, invasion of privacy and common assault (common because I did not end up in hospital). It was also 13 years since that man had taken me outside, held me close beneath the full moon and asked me if I would be his forever. 4 years since I had reaffirmed my commitment to him at a small picnic wedding ceremony in a public nature reserve and 8 hours since the last time I had cried about him…
That day I had attended a business meeting with a remarkable outcome. I had celebrated our business success with my business partners over coffee and croissants (the same business partners that had watched me close the last business meeting the precious day just before midnight in tears, broken down to a whisper.. .
It had been 4 hours since my dad, who since becoming aware of the incident had been following me everywhere himself to make sure I am safe, had dropped me at the golf club where the business meetings were held.
And at that moment I wanted nothing more than just a taste of freedom. He had promised me he would destroy me and everything and everyone I loved… And at that moment it definitely felt like he was in more ways than one succeeding… I hadn’t tasted any freedom since the in incident. And when I thought of it just then I remembered a place and a person.
The place was a nature reserve with a hill and picnic area that overlooked the whole of the city, the ocean and the mountains. It was a place where one could become whole again..
The person was a man who had come into my life by accident and at the time I had needed it the most. He had been so nice to me… Never judging, criticizing, hurting, or wanting anything from me. He was a person that I could be myself with without fear….
I took an Uber to the place and invited the person to meet me there.
The place was as I had remembered it but even more breathtaking. The person was as I had remembered his but even more beautiful, even less judgemental…
We had sex I the park, underneath the blue sky whilst the wind was playing with our skins. We were just two consenting adults looking for something and nothing from each other all at the same time in a beautiful park under a very blue sky. I lost myself in him, in his loveliness, in his closeness. For those moments all I focused on was him and the park and the sensations his touches caused in my body.
When we were done I kissed him and thanked him, put on my pants, had one last smoke, studied the bruises I had accidentally caused myself where my skin had come into contact with the rough terrain around us… And expressed that I had fun.
It was such a fun this to do. It was such a free and beautiful thing to do. I shouldve felt guilty towards my ex-husband, but I didn’t. I shouldve felt head over heels in love with the person I was with but I didn’t. I just felt immensely calm, exceedingly grateful and ready to proceed with life.