Embracing the beast

Growth (real growth) is uncomfortable and love hurts. My need for other humans, to be seen, to be accepted, trusted, looked up to, embraced, taken care of, and perhaps, even loved, is something I have never understood, always been afraid of and battled against many a midnight hour. How is it that we can self improve, live, breathe, make our own decisions, suffer, fall down, get up and find strength somewhere to carry on, and yet…. Be left with this constant need of others… A need for a loving voice, a need for hugs, even kisses maybe, or just the strong but true voice of a friend guiding you like a lighthouse in the dark over many miles of uncharted phone signals? I am afraid of this need. I am afraid to need what I (possibly, likely, maybe, perhaps) can’t have. Food sources can be secured, wealth may be built, even education and wisdom can be stashed, but a constant supply of human affection… No… That will always be the choice of the other human to give. And that I’d what I am so desperately afraid of. In my black and white mind things are either all good or all bad, all yours or not yours at all. I am only now starting to will my eyes to see the greys and force my heart to accept the color as, not confusing, but comforting. Yesterday I listened to a webinar by a very successful entrepreneur and client of mine who was preaching that resilience comes from not only being comfortable with, but embracing duality. Bad things in moderation may be good, and too much of the good things may be bad, even lethal. There can be no yin without yang and the chariot card in the tarot teaches us that a vehicle only accomplishes movement by having a light horse pulling it with a dark horse whilst the independent conscious steers them both. The strength card teaches us that in order to build our strength and capacity we need to embrace our beast, stop fearing it, but tame it with kindness and love and then grow in capacity, being comfortable with growing both our capacity for good and bad at the same time. The presenter that people who focus too much on the light often end up doing a lot of bad to themselves and others unintentionally, whilst people who embrace their shadow selves too vehemently may end up doing some good after all. I am only sure of one thing: my need for humanity and my resistance towards acknowledging and feeding this need… That is my beast.

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