Because you asked…

Yesterday you asked me about three times how I was doing and I didn’t answer once. I didn’t want to, because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think it was important. At the moment I have more important shit to deal with. I need to take care of you, I need to take care of my family, my business, my clients, be a good person, not forget…. But I woke up knowing that it was an important tell – the fact that I couldn’t answer.

If I think about it, I guess I’m sad, perpetually sad, generally sad…and empty. Each day I forget a bit more about who I was, who I wanted to be. I told you that it feels like I’m slowly losing parts of me…turns out it wasn’t happening that slowly and I’m now at a place, emotionally, where I’ve lost most of me. I’ll have to find me again, but I’m struggling to remember why that is important.

Each day here I remember a bit more about how to murder myself inside myself for the good of everyone else. I am learning, again, to live without boundaries, and to ignore my own needs. Self compassion has become a foreign concept. I can’t read myself, never mind others, but it’s like I instinctively feel their needs and react, without even realizing it, to fulfil it.

I am struggling to find space for myself,even when I (rarely) do I am not sure what to say to myself. I am not sure what I want, who I am and why I wanted to go back? I guess if I’m honest right now it’s easier to just…disappear…stop existing as a person on my own and just become an extension of my family.

But this can’t be good for me. Can it? I’ve lost a lot of the will to fight it. I’m not sure why I should. I’m naturally good at performing for conditional love…why mess with a recipe that works… kind of?

It’s like I know that I’m going through a divorce and I can remember some good times, some bad times and some neutral times about my 10 odd years in Cape Town, but I cannot sense it with my heart. This terrifies and numbs me at the same time. Is that weird?

I feel weird. It’s like I’m not me and I honestly can’t remember who I even am, was or was supposed to be. It’s frustrating. It’s like you said – I’m a Koala without a tree to cling onto. What will become of me? There are so many holes in my soul, so many scars on my personality, I’m not sure if I’m even truly functional. I know that I was fighting with all my heart and soul for something, but what was it for? Everything is becoming hazy.

On top of this…again if I’m honest about my shadow self…it’s getting worse…and I’m not proud of it. I judge myself for it constantly, but the passive aggressive side of my personality is rearing its ugly head – the desire to hurt like I have been hurt or maybe the desire to hurt like I am hurting? I am not sure I can’t feel my own pain.

Also, the desire to hurt (myself) like I have been hurt before…just so I can feel something, one thing, that I understand and can deal with just for a few moments. That is back too. And I am shocked. I’m not a little girl anymore. I was supposed to leave that behaviour in my childhood and early adulthood. I won’t do it, but the desire is there. Just like the desire to smoke is still there, even though I’m not smoking for now.

Also, the desire for reckless behaviour, which I also thought that I had left behind at some point… I want to leave the house, forget all responsibilities, drink until I pass out, dance wildly, kiss random people, pass out…and do it again…until I can be sure that there’s nothing left of me. That’s also weird. It doesn’t fit in with who I am supposed to be I don’t think.

I’m scared that I will destroy myself. I am scared that I will let down all the very people that I want to and NEED TO look after, take care of, and keep alive. Maybe that is it? Maybe I should actively practice taking less responsibility for those around me, but its so difficult when I NEED to care so much about everyone and everything around me.

So I’m confused as fuck. That’s my short answer. Sorry for dumping ALL of this on you, but hey…you asked…three times.

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