Little girl lost 30 years later

Last night I found half a bottle of tequila…so I drank half of it, whilst chatting to a friend on video call. It was fun. Although I did end up masturbating on video for the first time ever. Was an interesting night. This morning I was on a video call for a soft launch of a magazine I’m being featured in. I hosted the event together with the about 13 other mentors… It was fun, but early!!!

Today I put on make up for the first time after the divorce…and dressed properly in corporate clothing (well atleast the top parts of me that could be seen on the video!). It was nice, but no matter how far this goes I’ll always remember not to take life too seriously… If we were meant to take this seriously we would be given better instructions…

Did you know that Louise Hay says that the people in our lives are mirrors of ourselves? The people you love, reflect the aspects that you love about yourself to you. The people you dislike reflects the parts of yourself that still needs to heal… I am willing to consider this thought.

I feel like I’ve never been this confused and I’ve never seen this clearly. Perhaps the sky is blue? Perhaps I’m just looking through a lookingglass. I’m not sure, but I’m having the time of my life. I think. I’m not sure… I really do hope this works out for my small business though. If I can just finally be successful in business…just once…that will be so fantastic. I mean I’m pretty sure it will. I have an excellent team behind me. I’m so thankful for them. Entrepreneurship in Covid times are hard though.

And…this week my opinion on relationships is that I do want one…but it needs to be a fairytale. And I’m not going to look for it actively. If it happens while I’m living life it happens… And I guess if I’m meant to age alone I can be okay with that too… It’s just gonna be a bit different than I imagined…. It would be so nice though…to find a man to love. Just like that perfect warm and cozy love in which more love grows… I would love to experience that, but I won’t obsess about that – it just messes with ones judgement.

Perhaps I could find some more love for myself within myself first… I still struggle with that, but today I actually let myself rest when I got tired even though I was high on adrenaline and had a million things to do and was completely anxious enough to keep going through the night. I didn’t… Instead I put on “Somewhere only we know” and I danced like I never quit ballet way back when. It was really nice.

After dancing I stopped to do some yoga for text neck by Adrienne. That was also really good. Then I wanted to just close my eyes and fall asleep, but I sense a sad little lost girl inside of me…just standing there, inside a white cold passage inside my heart, just staring at me…So much sadness… So much hurt… So much loneliness… No little girl should’ve ever had to experience that…but I did.

I can remember being about 3 years old (I wasn’t going to school yet) and enduring these EXTREME episodes of SEVERE loneliness. I did not know what it meant back then. I did not even know that what I was feeling was loneliness. I thought I was sick…nauseaos… So I would sit by the toilet…praying that I could throw up so I could just feel a little better… Crying because I knew I wouldn’t…. Its her… That lost little girl is still sad somehow. And I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t know how to fix it.. For once in my life.

I cannot tell her that she will be loved one day. I cannot tell her that her parents will start noticing her. I cannot tell her that she will have so much safety and so much hugs and so much attention for the rest of her life that she will never ever even remember how it feels to feel like this. I cannot tell her that because I would be lying, but I have to tell her something. What do I do?

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