Every emotion starts as a thought

Every emotion starts as a thought. All you have to do to change the emotion is to reframe the thought. Easy. Is what they lady on the youtube video said… Sure… Easy. You go through a divorce with a husband that now hates you while you’re being pushed and pulled to step up as a leader in your own business and all you want to do is hide your face in a frozen lake, have it frozen stiff and never show anything but a frostbitten mask to the world ever again…

Sigh, I’m being overdramatic again, but hear me out… Last night I was happily pushing and working until much later than I usually would. And ofcourse I got tired and ofcourse that wasn’t the problem. I’m used to working hard. But when I got into bed afterwards… OH MY GOODNESS… It felt like a stonecold hand had reached inside of my chest and was twisting my heart. I couldn’t breathe. Whomever said emotions aren’t physically painful was an idiot. This hurt! I felt such a need for my husband… just a need to be loved, to be worthy of love…but so intensely…and I just started crying…and it was so lonely…and I felt so desperate…

And the sun came out this morning but last night… Last night it felt like it was never going to ever rise again. You know when you’re desperately trying to sign up for some kind of divorce coaching course and online therapy at midnight at night and the website tells you that it doesn’t want you to sign up because you’re WAY past the point where that would help… Yeah, that was me last night. That is how you find out what your soul is really made of. I saw inside of myself last night and it scared the shit out of me.

I wonder how many more nights like this I’ll endure in this lifetime still?

And then the sun rose way too quickly this morning and I was angry…because I was hurt… I guess anger is a natural response to hurt… Well I was so angry I worked like a demon… I have something to fight, or nothing to lose now…I’m not sure which one is true, but it felt good to throw all that negative energy into a fire of work and work and work and work…

And now its night again… Please God just let me fall asleep soundly… I don’t want nightmares tonight. I just want just a little bit of rest. If its not to much to ask just a tiny little bit of peace. Please.

Amen.

Listening to ASMR from Frivolousfox tonight… My mom used to sing me asleep when I was very very small… It’s one of my only fond memories of being small… Its a sad kind of comfort.

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