Who am I? The honest truth

Hey You,

When I started this blog on 22 April 2019, about 2 years back now, I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you. Honestly. I had no clue. The fact that I’m writing this now is such a win in itself for me. You should be proud of me. Are you?

I’m a 30 year old female entrepreneur. I find it difficult to work with people and have relationships with them. I find it easy to get things done and learn new things. I’m an academic to the core. I love learning, and challenging my thoughts and the perceptions of the world. I’m a rule breaker, not a rule follower.

I don’t like to-do lists. I’m the most unorganised entrepreneur I know. I recently divorced my ex-husband of 12 years. I believed he was the one, but when things turned violent and I couldn’t do my work anymore I had to do the very hard thing of looking at reality and being honest about the sustainability of the situation. It just wasn’t possible, in reality, to be with him anymore. So I left. I was heartbroken and I cried a lot at first. The first week I cried every night. After that I haven’t cried as much as I probably should have.

I’m a creative soul in my most simplest form. I love writing – poetry, stories. I love painting. Drawing is fun too. Sculpting is really fun but super expensive. I have the ability of losing myself and finding myself all at once when I’m painting.

I want to be successful at entrepreneurship because it would prove that I am worth it. I’m such an overachiever. I’m very insecure. I don’t feel I am worth much, yet I desire to be worthy more than anything on this planet. I desire to be loved, cherished, kept safe. I want to have a family. Right now I won’t be able to afford one.

I’m very hard on myself. Most days it feels like I should be doing better. I value honesty, integrity and the simple things in life. I’m passionate and spontaneous, open-minded and adventurous. I get up to so many new interesting things all the time. I am fun, unless I get stuck in work mode for too long – then I’m really not!

I find startup life extremely difficult. It’s a lonely difficult space where everything is uncertain, nothing comes easy, there are no off days and at the same time there’s this carrot being dangled in front of you that if you succeed, unlike 95% of other startups, you could have everything you ever wanted…

I’m emotionally unintelligent. In fact, In fact I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was neglected and abused as a child. Still, I love my family very much, at the same time they strike fear into my heart. I’m still attempting to learn how to be a good human that can regulate her own emotions… Its very hard for me, especially when things spin out of control.

Staying in control is a constant struggle. At the same time I have this monstrous fear of what would happen if I let go.

I want to have a dance studio one day, with lots of time off from business to spend in it. I want to dance hours upon hours away. I want to have a family that loves me one day, with a partner that is my equal. In order to get this I must go through the hell on earth called entrepreneurship and come out alive and thriving on the other side.

But I’m resilient. I never give up. Although I do get very low sometimes. I know I can do it. I know I can have it all.

This is my journey to getting there. I don’t know how long it will take, but in an attempt to keep myself accountable, engaged with myself, reflecting and learning whilst being brutally honest I’m keeping this blog. I can’t promise how often I’ll check in with you, but I can promise that I will always come back to you.

Even though I sometimes get lost and busy…this is my soul, its my heart, it reminds of who I am, its my space to just be myself…no judgement…and to get feedback from you… The you in this sense being, you (the person reading this right now), but also the inner parts of me that I tend to ignore on a daily basis – the authentic me.

That is why its important for me to keep this anonymous. You must know, if you’re reading this, we’ll never meet in real life, face to face, but at the same time you’ll know everything about me – my deepest, darkest secrets, my most monstrous fears, my wildest desires, my strongest hopes. All of it. That’s why we can never meet. But you’ll share my successes, you’ll know my heart, and when I fail or am down, you can count on me coming back here to mope and cry and find the strength to carry on.

I’m glad I wrote this post today. Is there anyone out there that can relate? Anyone that has any feedback at all? I would love to hear it. I’m keen to find a community here that cares about my journey. A voice, after all, is only a voice, if someone hears it, right? That is why I can’t just write these things up in a personal journal. I have a desire to be heard I guess. To be seen and understood. To find comfort in the words and struggles of others…

If you have a blog similar to this one by the way, where you share your journey, please pop it in the comments down below. I’d love to read it. Reading about the trials and tribulations of others is therapy in itself.

With lots of love.

Yours in the real raw entrepreneurial journey,

Ariel

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