Hey You

It’s been 5 days since I started taking sertraline/ Serdep again. I’m taking the 50 mg tablet. I got really sick on day 3, when I tried to take the 100mg tablet. I was nauseous, getting hot flashes. I think I had a fever. And I definitely had a headache and blurry vision.

Day 1 was just more dhiaree and heartburn. Day 2 was fine – I felt a little different but not too much. Day 3 was the worst, with the vomiting. I basically slept half the day and all I could eat was half a boiled potato. Day 4 was a little better, but still very nauseous and headache. I taught a three-hour lecture to MBA’s the morning on Corporate Governance and Business Ethics and then again just lay down/ slept for the rest of the day.

Today is Day 5 and so far so good. I still feel nauseous. My mind is racing. I feel anxious. And I struggled to sleep. I’m fine though. Much better than yesterday.

Yesterday Blue Eyes did something that really hurt my feelings. He spoke to GamerGirl again. He calls her “His other woman”. He said things like “I can make you scream. You’ll be begging and screaming at the same time.” And when she said something about going to sleep, he said, “Not with me – you’ll have to earn that.”

Just like a couple of comments like that. He does this in front of me. I mean, he’s been flirty with her before in front of me, but not like this. This was like not even veiled, next level in my face. And I didn’t like it.

NewGuy, from work, was online with them while all this was happening. It made me feel so humiliated. I started picturing being at a braai with him and being stuck in some corner – abandoned and forgotten while he flirted with some girl like this.

I just don’t like it. It makes me feel humiliated and forgotten, not even jealous, just hurt that he would do that in front of me without even considering how it might make me feel. Anyway, I did tell him that it hurt my feelings.

I’m proud of myself for actually voicing this.

He said that that’s just the way he is with women and it feels like I’m in on it. That’s why he does it in front of me – not behind my back. He said he wouldn’t act that way at a braai. He could judge what behavior is appropriate or not.

And then, I’m not sure if I imagined it or not but things were different after. He suddenly was more guarded, I think. We had sex and I snuggled up to him. He moved away twice. When I asked him if he still likes me, he didn’t respond.

It’s sad. But he’s gotta make his own decisions about what he wants I guess. I just know that I gotto do what’s right for me. And that is not being bullied into a situation where I’m having to accept things I’m not comfortable with.

So I’ve decided that if she comes to visit I’m literally going to go stay with my parents for as long as she is visiting. He can have her, make his choices, and then live with the consequences. I’m too special and important to be treated like a sidepiece.

In other news – Bestie called. He was so sad and crying. He said he would pay for our flights to the UK, he just needs someone around him that is going to be there for him. He said we make him feel safe and loved and cared for. My heart was breaking for him on that call..

At the same time, it was kind of comforting to know that he would trust us enough to reach out when that vulnerable. It makes me feel that I could possibly do the same. And that’s comforting. Having people by your side that understands, loves, and cares for you is such a blessing.

I’ve decided to take the rest of the day off – after having lectured this whole week – 2 to 3 hours of MBA lectures every single day – I’m exhausted. Just want to chill today.

I hope my mind doesn’t catastrophize and remunerate on what Blue Eyes did. I can come up with a million if scenarios, but I don’t want to. I just want to enjoy where I’m at right now, have a good day, rest, recuperate, practice my relaxation skills and then deal with the world again tomorrow.

How are you?

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