Do you ever have those moments when you just feel lonely and empty and hopeless for no reason?
I feel like nothing is worth it. And I feel like I have this big open empty wasteland space inside my soul and that I’m standing in the middle of it and like I need so much love it hurts and yet I know – no one can reach me here.
The wind whispers – no one will ever love you. I wonder – why am I even still going?
All out of nowhere this happens. And it makes me so sad.
And then I get sad and it feels like if I shed on tear, I’ll never stop crying, because I have so much sadness inside of me.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with these feelings more and more. In my lucid moments, I wonder if this just means that I’m ready to process the latest trauma in my life. Maybe it just means that my soul feels like I’ve survived the worst of everything now – and now it’s the time to actually reach out and talk about the shit that I’ve gone through.
I think so.
So where to start… I can’t really afford to be paying for therapy right now… or I don’t want to place that financial strain on my finances just yet. I mean things have been going better financially, but I don’t feel like I can justify a massive therapy expense yet.
I do eventually want to go back to therapy though, for sure, but when I can afford it.
Maybe for now… I can just start telling you a little bit about what I’ve been through if that’s okay?
I mean, where do I even start? Okay, let’s start here – with something that has really been bothering me lately.
My body image or self-image or whatever… the way I feel about my body – that’s a huge fuck up right there.
I don’t feel sexy. Most days I don’t even feel like a 5 out of 10. I feel ugly. Disgusting. Like dog shit. Like a pile of vomit. Just not even worth looking at.
I know that’s harsh, but that’s the way I feel.
My body image issues started in my earliest years. My mom always told me to pull in my tummy. I wasn’t really allowed to eat sweets and chocolates. I was the ‘fat’ girl in ballet class – weighing in at 55kg for my 1.6m.
I’ve always been built ‘short and curvy’. Even when I was so underweight that I didn’t even have boobs you could still see in the mirror that I was built curvier than every other girl in ballet class.
When I was 21 we were training for a particularly big concert. Again, my weight was an issue. I wanted to be a professional ballerina at that stage. My mom just always laughed and pointed out that I would never be thin enough for that. Like being thin was a goal that was just way too ambitious for me.
Anyway, I basically stopped eating. My weight dropped to around 45kg I think. I was always a 10. Suddenly I fit into a 6 ( like my mom). It felt great.
I got injured. I started eating again. I stopped doing any kind of exercise – I was sitting in a college class, studying Chartered Accountancy 16 hours a day every day. My body was hurting so much from the withdrawal of physical exercise.
I threw up a lot of the food I tried to eat – my stomach just wasn’t accustomed to having food in it. I had a lot of stomach issues for a long time.
Throughout my corporate career, I continued to get more overweight and more physically unhealthy. I married a man that did nothing for a living. I needed to support both of us. This involved a lot of overtime.
Then came entrepreneurship and I worked even more, longer hours, had less money, became more sedentary. The most physical exercise I would get on any day would be walking from my bedroom to my study – 10 metres.
My husband never told me that I was beautiful. He made me feel so shit about myself. Even when I was still hot – when I weighed 45kg he would make me feel so out of place – embarrassed to be me. Nothing I did was good enough. None of my choices were the right ones. No matter what I said to people that we shared company with it would be the wrong thing.
From the very early days sex was a problem – he didn’t want it as much as I did. Then hugs became a problem too. He didn’t want to kiss me anymore. He didn’t want to hug me. Then he told me God does not want him to have sex with me anymore.
It’s like I had my femininity denied every step of the way. No one wanted me. And now I was even fatter than I was before when I wasn’t really fat. When I spoke to Blue-eyes for the first time I asked him if he thought I was ugly.
He says he would remember that forever. I didn’t tell my I was pretty though. I just told me a whole story about how there is always someone out there that will find a particular feature on you attractive.
I’m in a relationship with him now. He still hasn’t told me that I’m pretty or beautiful or anything. When I ask him he just says that if I wasn’t he wouldn’t be sleeping with me. At least we have sex – a lot. That helps.
I weigh 87kg now. I’m working out every morning – six days a week. I do 2.5 hours of HIIT per week. And 3 hours (sometimes 4) of pole dancing. And 2 hours (when I can) of yoga/ other gym classes.
I try to eat semi-healthy. I don’t keep chips or chocolates in the house. I barely consume any alcohol. The weight just isn’t dropping though.
I’ve only been exercising since November 2021 though. Maybe I’m too impatient. I’m really happy I made the decision to start working out… and to get into pole dancing… I just feel like sometimes I’m not even sure if I’ll ever get back to being my ‘normal’ 55kg.
The other night we were asked to perform a burlesque routine at poledancing. I wore black heels and a red dress with black pole pants. I felt so uncomfortable I almost started crying on my way over there.
When we were taking the photos I felt horrible. It felt like all the other girls are so tiny and I’m just so unforgivably… BIG.
And no matter how I stood in that red dress you could see that I have a tummy. When I’m being really mean to myself I tell myself that I look pregnant, but I couldn’t even get that right – I lost the baby. That was about 6 months ago.
When I was pregnant that was the first time I kind of felt okay again about my body. I felt like I appreciated it and that I wanted to take care of it, cause I was gonna be expecting it to grow a child…
Even just writing about all these things I just actually want to start crying and then before I do I feel like – that will be so pathetic and useless… what’s that going to accomplish? I’ve got so much going for me at the moment.
I don’t want to be one of those spoiled rich people that just like has everything in their life going their way and then its just never good enough and they are just always depressed about something.
But yes, those are some of the thoughts going on in my head at the moment… I guess, now that I’ve written it out, no wonder I’m feeling these empty hopeless feelings… It’s a lot of negative thinking to deal with. I probably need to do some work on changing the way I think about some of these things.
I mean I am proud of myself for doing something about my situation, for starting to exercise again. I’m even proud of myself for squeezing into that red dress and going and doing the routing anyway. And it hasn’t actually been that long since I started exercising. Maybe my weight will still drop.
Maybe I’ll wake up one day and look in the mirror and think like…wow, you’re beautiful, no wonder everyone likes you.
Maybe. Hopefully. Someday.
Let me know if you can relate to any of this?
I’ll try to make more time to tell you more little bits of my story… Maybe it can help all of us…
Lots of Love,