It drives me nuts that I’m almost wondering if he is okay, if he needs more of me if he needs a hug… Oh shit, he’s not responding to me. What if he hates me? He hasn’t hugged me in like 10 minutes. I wonder what I did wrong.
Yeah – it’s really bad. So I gotta take responsibility for that shit and try to do something about it… So I listened to this very helpful podcast… Thoughts on Thoughts. It’s great. I love how practical, yet easy to listen to this podcast is. Very informative and genuinely helpful. They have an episode about anxious and avoidant attachment styles and the anxious-avoidant style traps, co-dependence, and how to make friends as an adult.
I need to work on all of that shit. Currently, I’m just attempting to bring my attention back to me more… When I catch myself getting anxious I try and explore it a bit… Why? And lately, now that I’m noticing it, the answer is usually that I’m wondering about Blue Eyes…
What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s cold? What if he’s dying? I mean he coughed more than once… What if, what if, what if he leaves me? What then? What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if he never did?
Even as I’m writing about it I can feel the anxiety sitting in my throat… like a big nasty bullfrog – eating away at my self-confidence. It’s really difficult being so scared…
Maybe if I remind myself that I was just as scared before leaving my ex-husband. I thought I would rather kill myself than try to live without him… And then I met blue eyes. And the thought of being with my husband started seeming more bearable. Not nice, or even okay, but bearable. Like I didn’t have to die, bearable.
It’s like I’m always living on the edge – waiting for you to leave me.
It’s like I’m always living on the edge.
Always, waiting, staring at the drop.
Standing, cradling myself on a ledge.
Always here, but never enough.
Did I do it right?
Did I do it enough?
Have I pleased you?
Have I earned your love?
It sits in my stomach.
It claws at my throat.
Do you love me enough
not to leave?
Because if you leave
I don’t think I would make it
Well maybe I would but
I don’t want to.
Please don’t leave, Oh my God
I’m begging you please don’t leave
I’m crying I’m pleading
Just please – NO LEAVING.
I’m struggling to breathe.
You’re sitting on the couch.
I’m hating myself.
I bit my lip.
My blood runs thick.
I blink my eyes.
What if this is it.
I knew I could’ve done better.
Then you would’ve stayed.
I knew all along
You’d eventually go away
Because my happiness can’t be forever
That’s the lie I tell myself
And I always remind me
that I’ve never been good enough.
Stop it. Calm down.
Nothing is actually happening.
Stop focusing on him.
Come back to the present.
Leave the what if’s alone.
Keep your shit at bay.
He’s still sitting on the couch.
He’s still here. He stayed.
He’s my best friend.
The cycle inevitably begins again.
He always tells me that he wouldn’t fuck me if he wasn’t attracted to me. And he’s not yet said that he loves me. Maybe he someday will. He’s got his own baggage, I know. I just wish there was some kind of – any kind of – confirmation from his side.
But he says that he would never have gone to this much trouble if I wasn’t important to him. And he makes sure that I know that he’s faithful to me. I love him. I do.
We had the best day ever. Well, it was really good. We went on to meet up and found a group meeting up for a Poetry lunch. I shared some poetry. He got involved in the conversation. We both laughed a lot. There were some really nice people there – all misfits and weirdos that we shared a meal with.
Then we came home and I watched Santa Clarita diet for a bit while Blue Eyes watched his Facebook video on his phone with headphones on. Then he went on to play games and I listened to the “Alice isn’t dead” podcast while braiding a wastebasket from plastic bags.
Now I’m going to bed and hoping for the best for tomorrow. But I wanted to just document this day, becue my goal going forward is to have more days like today. and to remember that days like today literally only happen when I let go of my anxiety, stop being so freaking fearful and anxious, open my eyes, and concentrate on making myself happy – meeting my own needs o that I’m pleasant to be around and not a drain or anxious shackle. I gotta just remember to think about and attempt to meet my own need first. Blue Ey will understand, in fact, he’ll probably be happy and follow suit, doing the same for himself.
So I wanted to document that goal so you can help keep me accountable.
Thank you again so much for listening to me. And for being here with me every step of the way – while I figure out life’s sticky situation.
The poetry I read today in the poetry lunch club was from this blog. And I realize that if you weren’t here and listening to me, I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to document any of it. It was so cool being able to just pull pieces of poetry from the blog and when people ked bout the timeline I could just give it to them. Obviously, I didn’t share the blog. No one knows it was me. My physical self remains completely hidden from you, but my emotional self is all in – and so grateful for having met you.
Yours in figuring out sticky life situations,