The Truth about being Me

Hey You,

I started working with a new therapist via Wysa today. I’m trying out text therapy for the first time. It sounds like a good idea. I mean it’s not really like having a therapist it’s more like having a very overqualified coach. She can’t go into any trauma and grief work with me because that can be triggering and quite difficult to deal with over text, but she can help me work on my self-esteem, attempt to lower my anxiety, and teach me some ways to better regulate and process my emotions.

I mean as someone with BPD this is probably something I do need so I’m gonna give it a go. I would very much like to not see my in-person therapist anymore. I think I figured out that she doesn’t really have my best interest at heart. She wants to get a psychiatrist involved. And she said some things that upset me a little bit. Like she kept going on about the fact that we haven’t really gotten into any trauma therapy or anything yet because there have been large gaps in therapy.

Well, it’s not my fault that I had long Covid. If she did video therapy we could’ve still had our sessions over Zoom, but she doesn’t. And whenever I need to move a therapy session I have to wait two weeks to book another one, but I never moan about that.

And she also once asked me if I shouldn’t maybe just get a job, like she doesn’t believe in my business. Nope, now that I’m writing that down I’m pretty sure she doesn’t get me and she doesn’t deserve me as a client. I’m leaving.

She also forgot that I’m logging my mood on Wysa and when I asked her if she can give me something that I can work through in order to do what I need to do (and I still don’t know what that is) she gave me some stupid sheet she copied from a workbook on writing out your life’s vision.

It’s like we are making no progress and I think I’ve given her more than enough time to start making some things shift. All that’s happening is that I’m having more nightmares and anxiety, which also makes me think that she doesn’t have my best interest at heart. And she once asked me ‘so what’s your excuse this time.’ when I was telling her how hard it is to fit gym into my schedule.

I mean some of her suggestions have been helpful, but I can’t work with a therapist that doesn’t believe in my business. We’re doing some really good work and she hasn’t even bothered to try to understand that or what I do in the business. Just the other day she asked me if it was worth it – the work I was putting into my business.

I’ll work with the Wysa person, try to write more on here and stuff, and maybe try to figure out what I should be writing about in order to get rid of my trauma and to work through what I need to work through (any suggestions would be appreciated).

Anyway – so the reason for this post – the Wysa person gave me homework. I have anxiety about things on my to-do list. Mainly, I feel anxious when making calls on prioritizing tasks on my list – no matter how I organize it, because I never trust that I’m making the right choice. It’s gotten to the point where it’s a paralyzing fear of mine. I’m constantly scared that I’m spending my time on the wrong things, that I’m going to ruin our business, that I’m making the wrong choices, that I’m letting people down… All that even before I get to START doing the things on my list!

So I’m supposed to challenge those unhelpful thoughts, by making a list of everything that is true about me, my work ethic, and my decision-making skills. Then I can read those truths when anxiety is lying to me…

I thought I’d do it here because you know… I like to share with you what I’m doing…and who knows, maybe it helps you too. It’s hard though – I’m not gonna lie. I find it difficult to say positive things about myself… but I’m supposed to remember that I’m focusing on real truths, like indisputable facts. Things that don’t change along with my mood, but remain true no matter what happens in the rest of my life. That’s such a new thought process for me, but okay… here goes. Let me try…

The indisputable truths about me, my business, and decision-making skills are that:


(Oh my gosh I’m already thinking about a whole list of negative truths, but I’m gonna persevere through the discomfort and just write the damn list.)


Screw it, I’m taking a coffee break first.

Okay, I’m back. Let’s just do this.

The indisputable truths about me, my business, and decision-making skills are that:

  1. I teach Corporate Governance and Business Ethics at MBA level (and I’ve earned the respect, admiration, and gratitude of quite a few cohorts of students that have documented this in their reviews of me).
  2. My first business’s business model won me a local nomination as one of the Top 35 under 35 Chartered Accountants in my Country.
  3. I did build my first business from having 0 clients to 60 clients in under 6 months.
  4. I did build my first business to the million Rand turnover mark within the first two years of having it.
  5. I did build my second business to the million Rand turnover mark within the first two years of having it, and because of the help from my business partner, it is set up to be much more scaleable than the first one.
  6. We are able to, at the moment, and have been for about 8 months now, comfortably cover our monthly costs, and some luxuries and experiences with the kids.
  7. I did help some of my clients in the new business grow their own businesses exponentially. One grew from 1 client to 12 in 3 months. Another got retrenched and went from no revenue to 140% of his previous salary in 6 months.
  8. I have been a part of all the decision-making for our business up to this date. In fact, most decisions are informed by me.
  9. And okay fine – while I’m thinking about this. Yes, I was the person that chose my ex-husband. And he did abuse me. And everyone did warn me that he was no good. And I still chose him. BUT – I ALSO CHOSE TO LEAVE HIM. I was also the person to choose to leave for good. And I was also the person that chose my new person – blue eyes – and he’s been NOTHING but good to me.
  10. And I do feel bad that I allowed him to abuse my dogs. I do, but I know better now. And I will never let that happen again. Not on my watch.

Does that count?

Maybe I’ll do a better job of compiling future lists… I’ll keep trying anyway.

Yours in Hope that Whispers,

Ariel

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