Living life on the ledge

My anxiety is through the roof and I find myself thinking… Well, what do I have to be so anxious about? Surely I am overreacting (a little judgy voice in my head points out).

But then, realistically speaking: I actually have A LOT going on. Other people always tell me “they don’t know how I do it.” Other people can see the muchness of what I deal with on a daily basis, but I can’t, because I’ve been taught by my internal parent to ignore my own emotions and limitations, which on the one hand has given me a CV that others would kill for and on the other hand has also almost gotten me killed.

If I try to think objectively about it I can actually see that it’s emerging as a strong theme in my life: this endless circus and balancing act of my life. I thrive on living on the edge, pushing myself to the limit, juggling the tasks of life like big colourful balls in the air whilst jumping through the hoops of other people’s expectations in a house that is on fire because I cope best in chaos. I am recreating, over and over again, as if by some invisible forceful hand of destiny, my own childhood nightmare; over and over and over again.

I’m not unhappy, just very very very anxious, to the point of breaking, all the time or that is what I tell myself. I still have difficulty defining and identifying all my emotions. I’m working on that.

On the outside it looks like I have it all: the management job at a reputable firm with a fair salary. 1 day a week off to run my own business. My own accounting firm. And now also perhaps a contract to teach and run an online course for an online university (teaching is one of my biggest passions). I am grateful for all of these opportunities and I work on all of them.

But why am I so anxious?

I guess I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Is that normal? Perhaps, I don’t really do normal well. Perhaps I’m afraid of failing. Perhaps I can feel the fuel in my tank running low, with no gas station in sight, and I am paralyzed with the fear of ending up with an empty tank and no results. After all, this isn’t all just a show, we need results. Real results that matter. Like financial security. “The accountant that couldn’t figure out financial security… ” an apt name for a children’s book about life lessons and how to not approach it.

I’m rambling, I know, but this is my therapeutic journal… I’m allowed to. After all, it’s not easy living life on the ledge.

People call me overly dramatic, oversensitive, over emotional, too much all the time and I am aware that I am being that right now. It’s one of the borderline traits. Instead of feeling sad I feel the kind of the despair that would be justified by the world ending, instead of feeling joy I feel the kind of elation one would feel (hopefully) on the day you marry the love of your life. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself well at all, but that is how it feels. There is no buffer. No skin. Just raw emotions doing combat with raw reality. And apparently it will always be there. Right now my goal is just to calm down enough for me to get some much needed sleep before my next 14 hour shift at my 3 different jobs.

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