Some leftover sadness?

It’s difficult to admit this, but there’s still some sadness left in me. Don’t get me wrong – a lot of it came out during the trauma counselling. During those hours of endless talking about things I so desperately wanted to forget, the hurt and sadness, the emptiness and pain came out. It didn’t erupt like one would think it would. Rather it used out slowly, like puss would from an infected, but aged wound that one keeps poking with a stick. The sickness came out. I don’t know how, but she heard me. I spoke and she listened. And what happened was that the puss came out and I started processing emotions again. At first like a broken gramophone, but later more and more efficiently. I got happier and I got better and I healed. For a long time I’ve been feeling kind of steady now. I have emotions but not like before. I would get sad but not so sad that I would drown in it. I would get angry but not so angry that I would attack someone. Etc etc. But today… I felt something worrying… I felt some sadness that I couldn’t explain. For lack of a better description it feels like see leftover sadness from that poking the wound incident. Problem is I didn’t know that it was there. And I don’t particularly trust it. Can I just be cured and be done with it already? (My frustration speaks). Why is it there? What does it want from me? And how is it possibly planning on destroying my future? Are the meds not enough anymore? Will I ever be completely cured? (Anxious thoughts). Well I guess I’ll have to wait and see… My guess is I still have something left to grieve for… But what? And is it even possible to find out and fix this without a therapist? Because I don’t have a therapist… I can’t afford one right now and probable not in the near future neither…

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