Unreasonable expectations

I think I discovered one of my thinking traps today. I tend to beat myself up, about small things. I think as a child I learned that if I can be good enough of an asshole to myself over small little things there is less of a chance that my parents would do the same. It’s kind of like if I keep doing my homework until I start crying they might give me some love some ‘you are okay’. I still catch myself sometimes to this day trying to prove to people that I’m good enough, beating myself up if I’m not. What I need to remember is that I am not responsible for other people’s emotions. I can’t hold myself responsible and judge myself according to how others respond around me. That will make me lose hope because that is truly out of my control.

It gets hard though. Especially when I earn smiles at work from the boss for a job well done. I find myself just naturally dropping my boundaries. Working until all hours because I think I’m on the right track. Losing sleep for fear of disappointing him. Dreading the day he looks at me with disappointed anger disgust. “You’re worthless”. I need to realise that he is not my dad and I have the power to love myself and if those words are coming my way in future they’ll be coming from myself not anyone else so I better watch it and remember that I am not my internal parent and I am worth loving and I am capable of loving myself. I decide when I’ve worked enough and I am not responsible for people’s emotions when they set unreasonable expectations for me that I fail to meet. How I deal with this is crucial. In my job, life, relationships, business….

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