Deserving of love?

I really hope that I can one day meet a gentleman that doesn’t mind me being different, doesn’t require me to feel inferior in order for him to feel superior. I wish I can meet someone that can cherish and appreciate and enjoy me. I just want to have fun, feel safe an secure, have sex and raise his babies, in that order… That’s all. I wouldn’t ask for much. I buy my own bread. I make my own plans. I can take care of him just as much as he can take care of me. I will love him forever, be loyal to the end, walk through fire just to make him smile… Swallow my pride, swallow his cum, make him smile… Often. I just want hugs and sex and laughter.. Is that too much to ask for? And why couldn’t my ex-husband just have that with me? Oh in the beginning it was wonderful, I was wonderful, everything he ever wanted…until I wasn’t anymore… I wasn’t good enough anymore… Not at all. Daily kisses turned to daily lashings… I never got hugs anymore because he didn’t like it… I tried to masturbate in front of him once. He told me I was disgusting. He never slept in the same bed as me.. He liked to stay up late and usually fell asleep on the coach… I was regularly too much, too little and just not good enough at all. It was like I had tricked him into marriage. He didn’t even try to make an effort to sleep with me on our honeymoon… Instead he got excited about a stripper and I got a new physical scar that I will carry around with me for life. I have to tell you though… I didn’t just love him, I adored him, I justified for him, rationalise for him. Even when other people pointed out that he treated me like shit I would assure them and myself that they didn’t know him, didn’t understand him, like I did… But I didn’t understand why the kisses had stopped, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t huggable anymore, I didn’t realize until it was very much too late that he didn’t love me anymore. And that broke me. That was one of my biggest mistakes.

Why are good men, really good men, so hard for me to find? I know I’m broken and not perfect, but I’m also successful, fairly pretty, entrepreneurial, intelligent, adventurous, independent, passionate and a caring honest good person… But that’s not what men want, is it? What do men want? Does it have something to do with the fear of women that Jack describes in his post: ?

Is that why I was caught with honey, lured in with promises of endless kisses, just to have my wings ripped off, be thrown in a cage and degraded daily? What have I done to deserve this? And please to whomever allocates punishment in this life… Please, no more. Just send me a man like an angel, who will never stop kissing me… Please. I want to feel loved. I want to feel worthy. Maybe I was always the problem after all. If so, how does one even begin to work on feeling worthy and deserving of love?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s