It’s been 6 weeks

It’s been 6 weeks since I walked out on you, 6 weeks since I got into an Uber and knew I would never return to you. The nights are especially hard. What’s also hard is not understanding how I haven’t even heard from you… Not once… Did you ever really care? Oh you said that you did – to everything who would listen for just long enough to feel sorry for you. You said you would do anything for me… Anything! But you couldn’t stop shouting, you couldn’t stop hurting…me. The one person who was just trying to love the shit out of you.

So I’ve experienced this twice now: being in a situation where even hard work and dedication like no other doesn’t matter… The one time was with beee when the university refused to interview me for my own job because I wasn’t the right color, the other one was my marriage. Life is not fair honey, I can hear my psychologist say from far away… It’s just not…

You know I hate you, but I could never hurt you, not like you have hurt me honey. You’ve broken my soul, my spirit and my body. What my parents couldn’t properly do, you did it. You finished the job for them. It’s a filthy job but someone’s got to do it?

Sigh, I don’t even know why I’m writing this post for you. You never knew of my blog and you never listened to me anyway… It was all about you. I was blind. I have to forgive myself for that… For loving you tooooo way too much, and for loving me too little… For letting the emptiness inside of me define me and rule me. For all the times I didn’t say no. For all the lonely nights I put myself through. I am so sorry myself that you had to endure that, all because of me.

I’ll be stronger now I think. I will try my hardest to health your wounds or at least understand them so we don’t fall into a trap like this ever again.. I will protect you. I will say no for you. I will choose the people around you carefully because I love you. But first we are going to kick that corona viruses ass. We are going to get better together, then we are going to choose better together, because you (me) we I am worth it.

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