The loneliness is eating me alive…and never let anyone kill your dreams, she said

If you’re a borderline you know exactly what I’m talking about… If you’re not… Imagine a million tiny caterpillars suddenly hatched dead in the center of your heart and have now started to slowly eat away at your flesh. This kind of loneliness feels similar to that. It’s like.. You know if you hurt a certain part of your body over and over and over again… In the beginning there is hurt, then there is pain, then the pain slowly turns into more pain and when it hurts so much that you think your brain is going to short circuit… You feel numb (just before you pass out). It’s that kind of loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness that makes you feel like you’re being murdered inside yourself, and you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, inside yourself… So no one hears.. And there’s so much of your blood all over the place it’s like a horror movie, but it happens inside of you so no one sees it… Ever. All that people sometimes see is… Years later… The remaining fear that flashes across a face and they won’t understand where it comes from or why it’s there. My parents have started their mental abuse and mindgames with me again… And this is what it feels like inside of me now. I feel stupid, I feel worthless, I feel judged, not good enough and trapped. It is so bad that I’ve even considered calling my ex and begging him to take me back… At least he was just one abusive person at a time… There are 3 of these.. And the worst is they don’t realize what they are doing… Or they do and they do not care. They’ve started planning me moving back into the house… Like we’re one big happy family… And I’m the retard kid that didn’t make it outside. All I know is ill rather die than stay here because staying here will mean death for me anyway. I told a friend about it today and she helped me identify the mental abuse and manipulation. She said they are trying to implode me so I won’t want to leave. She also said I should never let anyone kill my dreams. I deserve them.