The first good day after divorce

Hey you…

I’m off to bed but I just had to tell you this before I fall asleep… Today is the first GOOD day since I left him knowing that I won’t be going back… He is still trying to destroy me, this week I had to rebrand my whole venture and get all new sites and vehicles up and running while in lockdown because of it BUT I am enjoying my work… And today I was alone for most of the day for a change and I loved it. I colored, snacked, watched survivor, choreographed a bit, spoke shortly to my 2 best friends over the phone and WhatsApp respectively, played Theme Hospital 2 (it is amazing! 😍), and watched Liewe Heksir and Pinocchio (childhood TV shows) with the lady that raised me… And when I lay down on my bed just now and recognised that I was feeling sleepy I also recognized something else, surprisingly… I was feeling content, perhaps even 50% happy. At one point recently it had felt like this wasn’t possible anymore.. So I had to record this…

My baby bird escaped yesterday, he has a girlfriend though so I think I managed to successfully save my first baby bird… He has a chance time be a big bird now… Because of me.

Also, I need to remember that resting and doing things just because it’s fun apparently relaxes one… I know it feels like what is the point even when I am in full blast work mode, but I need to remember I am a human not a computer. I mean, just look at how good today was for me… I can try to be a little kinder to myself by allowing myself these activities a bit more in life…

Also I don’t think I am in love with the guy that saved me from my abusive husband that one time (the one I had sex in the park with that day after the divorce…) Which is surprising… It is good. I am realising that it is much easier to stay on track and see everything clearly if you don’t go through the ‘love bombing’ phase and I think I am perhaps at risk of love bombing myself if that makes sense? Because my need for people is so great it is easy for me to “get obsessed” with my new favorite person, but this is not healthy… For me… As it impairs my ability to see things clearly and to have ‘normal’ stable relationships… So here is to hoping that now that I’ve learnt this I might have accidentally made my first real friend… And perhaps enabled myself to start healing and start forming healthy attachments to people that are grounded in reality, with good boundaries… Fantasy is good, but not with other people. If I write stories in my head or fill in the gaps or write away the flaws of other people in my head, I must realise that this is how and when I get myself into trouble. Instead I am going to practice accepting reality and real people as they are… A mystery, not under my control, a blessing and good or bad just the way they are… They can’t be and shouldn’t be changed, skewed or tampered with. It was a hard lesson to learn but one I think will spare me Mich heartache going forward. I dunno. Let’s see…

Night you… πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

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