I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Morning Sunshine,

I guess you’re wondering how I write posts that spill over with tears, blood, gore, shame, guilt and hopelessness and still keep going? I often wonder the same. Especially since my rock, my foundation, the person I attached myself to so I would have atleast some form of stability, left….Or ummm I guess I left him…but he left me first emotionally… Anyway…

I know many of my posts have been dark, to say the least, filled to the brim with sadness, twisted anger, fury, hurt and pain… I guess I’m starting to finally be capable of living…with my shadow self, which is good? Perhaps true strenght comes from being capable of recognising all our emotions, offering each of them a seat in our heart and really sitting with them, listening to what they are saying, writing it down and then politely thanking them for stopping by…and wishing them a fond but firm goodbye…

It’s new for me, to be honest. I’m BPD, which means I’ve learnt from a young age to be scared of my own emotions, knowing I am ‘too much’ in pretty much all aspects. But being scared of and denying my own emotions is ironically the best way to gaurantee emotional instability for myself and those that depend on me… And a lot of people depend on me these days.

To be honest my shadow self still scares the shit out of me most of the time. How can anyone be THAT SAD? Experience THAT MUCH PAIN? Love THAT MUCH? But I CAN. And it’s time for me to not only face, but accept and embrace that fact, I think. YES I am TOO MUCH. YES, I experience emotional intensity that would leave the rest of you normal people breathless, a couple of times each and every single day. And YES, that is because I am strong enough, woman enough, human enough to do so.

Which then explains why I’m feeling so strong, positive and stable this morning…. After working with my deepest, darkest self and emotions intensively the whole weekend…I am ready to accept, and accept that I am healing from it too. And that fills me with a HOPE of which I cannot even begin to describe the intensity in words. I’m positive this morning. I’m strong this morning. I’m together this morning. I’m ready this morning. Let’s do this.

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