I’m so sorry I haven’t checked in for such a long time… What can I say… life got busy… again.
Anyway, how’ve you been?
I’d really like to commit to writing more regularly to you. I really need more good friends in my life and also more helpful discussions.
About a week ago I experienced the most horrible burnout symptoms . I had headaches and I felt like… why am I even trying? Everyone just wants to take everything from me as soon as I create it so I might as well just give up now if I don’t do something about it.
The reason why I felt like this was because my new partner’s son crashed my car into a pole. It was such a shock. I wasn’t mad at him but I did expect that either him or at least my new partner would deal with the consequences (aka get the car fixed), but instead my new partner spent all his time making his son feel ‘better’ about the crash, like it was normal, which I guess is good parenting, but I just ended up feeling left out, lonely and used.
Right now my new partner is carrying out the repairs on the car. I had to pay for the tools and materials for the repair, but at least my partner is fixing it. The son said he would help with the repair, but I haven’t seen him lift a finger to help his dad. He did help clean the house though.
The son eventually said he would’ve paid for the repairs if he could, but he didn’t have any money in his account. The reason for that is that he doesn’t have a job and he is too busy playing playstation the whole day to find one.
He eats a lot too. I bought muesli on Tuesday and had like one or two helpings. Today when I checked the muesli was done. Its a difficult sitation. The kid is fresh out of school and I feel so much empathy for my partner. It must be killing him that he needs to get this kid to launch, and at the same time he just wants to keep the kid close and have a family (I think). I think if I was in his situation that is how I would feel.
Anyway, this has been causing a lot of emotional turmoil on my side. Because you know how hard I work. I’m literally always working, just to try to get a little bit ahead in life – but it feels like I’m paddling, paddling to keep from drowing and then everytime I get close to the surface an extra weight gets added to my ankles. Like someone keeps moving the goalposts and I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up.
And I want to shout and kick at them and say “Can’t you see I also get tired? Can’t you see how close I am to giving up? Don’t I deserve just at least a little bit of a break? Just take the extra weight away!” But I can’t, because in this case the extra weight is a kid.
All I can do, is try to take better care of myself, try to communicate how I’m feeling, try to communicate the facts and the boundaries and then keep paddling for dear life.
I really hope I will get somewhere someday soon though. I also feel that it is extra bad because I’ve been paddling for so long… My ex-husband didn’t work. I was forced to resign from my cushy uni lecturing job. I ended up becoming an entrepreneur. I did okay. I tried to bring people into the business to help me. I lost all my savings. I got partners on board who were happy to do as little as possible while I do most of the work but we got paid the same salaries from the business I started!
You know what, I guess I am mad at myself for letting all of that happen. I didn’t protect myself at all and I just kept making excuses for all the people around me. And I got taken advantage of, again and again and again. And the results of that is that… I’m still paddling.
And I’m close to drowning and even though there is, for the first time in my life, so many hands reaching out trying to help me reach the surface, I’m not sure if I’ll make it. Even more so I’m not sure if I even trust the hands that are trying to help me because what if all they actually want to do is take more from me.
I don’t even have that much more left to give… How much more could you possibly want to take from me?
I’m deeply sad over what happened to me and I’m angry that I let it happen.
And I feel ashamed that I let it happen. And I feel uncertain about what I am supposed to do to not let it hapen again.
I feel like a failure, useless, like everyone else is just so much more equipped to live life and there’s useless little me… just trying to love everyone and everybody and just getting hurt and used over and over again.
I’m trying to protect myself this time by communicating to my new partner how I feel and what needs to change. I know he also wants his kid to get a job. But how do I tell him.. like hey listen… are you just trying to use me? Can I even trust you?
And what if I say that and he leaves and then I have… what? Just a whole lot of tired to show for life.
Ugh, I hate it when I’m feeling this depro.
So these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. It actually feels good to write it out. So you tell me… am I being too much? What am I supposed to do? Give up on life, move back home and just try to avoid life for the rest of my life? That’s not an option..
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to try to check in with you more often, hopefully daily… just letting you know what I’m thinking and feeling and experiencing. Maybe you can save me? I doubt it but you’re pretty much all I got.
At the same time… this chick on Youtube did say that it is important to journal like this and also to try to identiy your thoughts and feelings. That’s another thing I’m gonna try doing… I want to listen to her videos to try to increase my emotional intelligence… maybe I’ll do better at life then.
What I also want to do is try to increase my emotional vocabulary… So maybe tomorrow I’ll research and publish an emotional cheat sheet.
If you’re reading this, I would appreciate any supportive comments / advice / perspective.
Lots of Love,