The fitness challenge and hope

Hey You!

I missed you! I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner. My parents have been visiting the past week and you know how I am when there are people around me… It’s all about them and not about me at all…

Anyway… How am I?

Good question!

I was in court last week Monday. The criminal case against my ex-husband almost proceeded to trial. It was stressful. I don’t know if I wanted it to proceed or not. It was a very emotional day.

His attorney pushed the whole morning to have the case heard and then just when I was prepped and ready, they through some stupid argument in there about the prosecutor not having the authority to proceed with the case and it was postponed again.

The next time though, it is likely that the case will be heard and I will be forced to recall and tell the story of that night…. The night when my heart broke and my mind shattered. The physical blows where not nearly as painful as the blows to my psyche, my self-confidence, my understanding of the world…

When people hear my story they feel sorry for me and they give me their Ï’m sorry’s”. It doesn’t help at all. What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry too…

I’m sorry that he couldn’t love me the way I loved him. I’m sorry that he ended up hated me. I’m sorry that nothing I ever did was good enough. I’m sorry that he didn’t want to sleep with me anymore.

I’m sorry about the wasted years. I’m sorry about making the wrong choices. I’m sorry about the damage that this did to my relationship with my parents. I’m sorry about the damage that this did to my body. But more than anything I’m sorry about the scars on my psyche. My will to survive has been damaged. Sometimes it feels like I never actually knew myself.

Anyway, I’m angry these days, and depressed. I read up about it. Apparantly these are two of the stages of grief after divorce. Its normal to experience them as long as you don’t get stuck in them. How am I supposed to not get stuck in them? What does one do to not get stuck in them?

Go for therapy? I don’t have money for that… yet…. But as soon as my ship comes in I’m buying myself a shitload of therapy… Until then, you’re pretty much what I got in terms of therapy… You and… me…

I’ve been purposefully trying to be kinder to myself. Well, to be honest, I realised I don’t really have a choice anymore. I’m tired and depressed and angry and that’s normal. And we don’t know how long it will last, but for now I’ve got to be my own best friend… or at least try…

So what I’ve done is…

I’ve promised myself that we will prioritise my health and wellness again from here. Even if/ when it costs money, I’ll just have to work that little bit smarter/ harder to make up the money but I cannot go through life and perform in my job with a shattered soul AND a body I’m ashamed of. The body is easier to fix and a quicker win…

So I’m actually proud of myself, because, even with all of this nastiness surrounding my soul and clouding my mind, I chose to sign myself up for pole dancing classes 3 times a week, starting yesterday.

I mean it also did help that my parents gave me some money for my birthday and that they moaned again ( in the most supportive way possible) about my weight.

The hour I spent at pole dancing class yesterday made me feel like… I was livign a different persons life… For one hour I was living someone’s life that had it all together, that had time to just spend on doing something she enjoys…with people that seem kind enough.

It was good. I will keep on going back. It was fun. I’m sore today and its a good reminder of what I did yesterday.

I also found a fitness challenge at a gym nearby. I paid the R4,000 deposit this morning. The deal is that if I follow their eating and exercise program religiously, document the story on Facebook and manage to lose 9kg I get my money back, which means I would’ve gotten the eating plan and 30 exercise classes, weigh-ins and coaching for free…

I’m scared, and I’m already thinking of how much its gonna cost to only buy healthy food, protein powder and the expensive supplements they want me to take…but I’m already in for it now… And it’s only 6 weeks. I guess I’ll just try my best and let you know how it goes.

Anyway, I probably should be getting back to work for a bit.

I’m seeing my friend on Wednesday – that’s going to be fun and my brother is teaching me a new game called Hearthstone. I’ll tell you all about that at a later stage.

Lots of love,

Ariel

Let me know how you’re doing?

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