I almost had a threesome last night.
Yeah, I can’t believe it either. I mean, on some levels I can, and on some levels, I can’t…
Anyway, so my (currently calls himself boyfriend – let’s call him Blue cause he has blue eyes) met a chick on Tinder. Why was he on tinder? I kind of did tell him that I’ve always wondered about what it would be like to be with a girl.
I mean I don’t know how it is for you, but I’ve never been majorly attracted to what I guess most other people find attractive… physical attributes. Big muscles, blond hair, blue eyes, classically good looks… those things aren’t the things that do it for me.
For me it’s about a shy smile, a moment shared a warm embrace, a deep connection, a caring heart, a nerdy laugh. I know it sounds cliche or maybe weird, but it’s true. Sexuality also doesn’t play such a massive part for me I don’t think.
I mean I’ve never experimented, but when I had just gotten divorced and was dating on Tinder I actually thought to myself… maybe what went wrong is that I’ve only been with guys, maybe I should try being with a girl instead.
Anyway, so we had this discussion, and he, having had threesomes before, obviously saw a golden opportunity. I mean, why settle for the milk if you can have a cow farm, right? LOL
So he’s been meeting with people on tinder and this chick indicated that she hadn’t had a threesome before but she’d be open to trying it. So off I went to buy the meat, salads and garlic bread for the braai.
I waxed myself – a Hollywood!!! Well, Blue kind of helped with the parts I couldn’t see so much. I even booked myself an aromatherapy massage for an hour before the meetup so I would stay relaxed and smell nice. I spent a lot of money…
We met up at a local restaurant/bar. He had been sexting with her the night before. We had some drinks. I had cheap wine. We made small talk. I don’t know if he felt her up when he hugged her hello like his messages said he would.
I guess I wanted it to be hot, and thrilling, something I could tick off my bucket list. I wasn’t attracted to her at all, there was no chemistry between us. Not sure how much there was between Blue and her.
But I figured I could give it a shot. How bad could it be? I’m pretty sure I’ve had worse guys in bed and the fact of the matter is if Blue was into it, he’d make sure I was pleasured too, I know that, he’s good in bed like that. Or that’s the thoughts I was sticking with.
Anyway, we made it back home with her in tow. We put the meat on the braai. She played us her music – Indie Alternative, which didn’t really help the mood. I was more thinking of Pitbull or The Pretty Reckless, but hey… Blue was apparently very into her music and they ended up playing Mumford and Sons.
Everything was going well at this point in time. I would think as well as it could be going with a chick that I wasn’t really into… And then all of a sudden she just made an excuse, apparently, her friend needed. It wasn’t even a good excuse, and she left.
I didn’t feel relief like I thought I would. I felt slightly cheated. I had gone through all this effort and stress and was willing to pleasure her even though I wasn’t feeling it… and then she just left.
I’m not sure if she’ll be back. I read the whatsapps between her and Blue. She said she’s not sure if she’s ready to be with a couple but maybe we can meet up a couple more times. He complimented her ass.
My thing is, why the hell would we meet up again? Because there are very few unicorns in the unicorn sea?
Blegh, I know what, to be honest, I can’t help thinking that if Blue put half of the effort and attention that he’s putting into chatting to her into spending time with me, everything would be better. I mean, he calls me his girlfriend, but we were only out last night because we were meeting her.
We only braaied because she was here. We only spent time chatting together, because we had to because she was here. Look I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, but I’m saying a want so much more and I’m not sure if I’m willing to fight for that.
You know after she left, he told me that he didn’t have a need to fuck other women. During our date with her, he told me and her how special I am to him. And I know I shut him down when he says things like that.
In the WhatsApp that I read he told her that I’m short and curvy and he finds that sexy as hell. But still, I want more. I want to be a one and only person’s everything. I want their undying devotion, their constant attention. Compliments, affection, care, love, quality time.
With my ex-husband that was all there straight off the bat. With this relationship, not so much – it’s developing really slowly. Then again, my ex soon forgot about me and then proved to turn into a raging abusive psychopath…
I feel like, with my previous relationship, it was like I was in a relationship with my mom. And now, with this one, I’m scared that I might just be stepping into a relationship with someone like my dad. And my dad cheated on my mom. Constantly. Repeatedly.
Only time will tell. At least for now, I’m determined to build a life in which I take care of having my needs met. So, if he doesn’t want to spend time with me, connecting and doing the things I want to do, I will find some people who do and who will. More than one of them. Male or female. And I’ll call them friends.
Now it is just about figuring out how to do that.
Anyway, thanks for listening!!!
I love you.