So remember Blue? Yeah, I told him yesterday that I feel that he takes me for granted. I told him that what really hurt about his interactions with HER (our potential three-way partner, let’s call her Lilly) was that he made her feel special.
He was going on and on about listening with her to her choice of music (which sucks by the way). He said that that was only to make her feel comfortable. So I said, yes so you definitely have the ability to make a girl feel special. It’s just that you choose not to do that with me anymore.
He said that he heard me. Then he tried to come up with something we could do together. It was half-assed, sweet, and pathetic.
I told him what we could do is have a one-off free pass. He could fuck her without me present and then I could do the same with someone else. He said no. He can’t bear the thought of me with someone else and shouldn’t be okay with that either.
What I wanted to say here… Oh wow, the things I wanted to say…
I wanted to say. Blue, do you know what I would choose to do with my free one-off pass? Let me tell you…
I would sign myself up for the biggest fuck-fest I can find. An orgy or a three-way with a kinky couple or a gang-bang. And when asked about my expectations for the night I would say…
“Well, my boyfriend takes me for granted. It’s like he doesn’t even see me anymore. I want him to SEE me. So, in terms of what I’m willing to do… anything and everything. You can take out ALL your fantasies on me. All I ask is that you leave marks. Evidence. I want to return home and I want him to SEE me.”
Then I would proceed to go through with the night. I would be scared and nervous. I’ll probably endure a lot of PAIN, but it would be worth it because when I come back home I will be bleeding, black and blue. There won’t be any part of my body that doesn’t tell the story of what I’ve been through. In fact, you probably won’t be able to use me for at least a week, because I’d be too sore.
That’s what I wanted to say, but of course, I didn’t. Instead, I just mumbled “okay”.
This morning I woke up angry. I hacked into his WhatsApps via the computer (he forgot that he had WhatsApp web on there). Blue and Lilly haven’t been talking. Well, he messaged her to find out how she’s doing just before he told me that he’s thinking it’s not a good idea to continue with her as a potential third because she seems to only have a thing for him and not for me. She only responded this morning so he hasn’t had a chance to say anything.
I’ve decided that I won’t be taken for granted again. I’ve also noticed something – a pattern. I tend to overachieve in relationships. I move too quick, too fast. I want to be the PERFECT partner. I am the perfect partner.
The problem is that other people just can’t keep up. And with me being the perfect partner I expect the same in return… and I haven’t once gotten it… Well except with my ex in the beginning… because he’s a narcissist. Narcissists, because they act from obsession and not love or something more sustainable, are the only personality types (I’m guessing) that can return that level of… affection?
Anyway, I’m letting go now… On purpose, I’m taking a step back. I’m going to focus on making friends and doing things that I like and that make me happy. And I’ll treat him like… a friend, nothing more (well except that we’re sleeping together).
But I’m not going to mom him anymore. If I don’t feel like having sex, I will tell him. I’m going to be happy without him. And then if he chooses to notice me and start doing something, that will be a bonus, but if he doesn’t I will still be balanced… or at least more balanced than I am right now.
I’m a great girl, I think. I’m very caring. I’m curious. I’m a thrill-seeker. I’m fun, always up for whatever. I’m even into exploring most kinks. What I’m not into is being taken for granted – Not again.