I can’t promise you

What I can’t get

I can’t give you

What I don’t have.

I wish I could, but I can’t.

Only our breathe against

The mirrored showers

Remembers the touch, the loving,

That went on there for hours…

So its been an interesting week of up and down… Up and down… So many things have happened. My anxiety is at an all time high. Strange that my anxiety is now more present than it was before me and my husband reconciled… It’s like I sometimes have delayed reactions to life and its happenings. Does anyone else ever get that?

I’ve had some interesting realisations this week:

1. It really is extremely unkind to enable someone to be a worse form of themselves. No wonder this is classified as abuse!

2. If I was brutally honest with myself there is a possibility that I enable a worse form of my husband because if he was his best or even just better… Where would that leave me? Would I even be good enough?

3. All these issues that I have with him not fulfilling my unmet needs, like taking me out to go do things I like… Are not really his problems… Their mine… I am not taking care of me. I am not allowing myself any fun or life… I am holding me back… Not him.

I told him during our fight if he would leave I would literally just be able to be happy. I don’t think that is true. If that were true and I was actually carrying my own load… I would be happy now already. No one else can make you not be happy. It’s just you.

It’s a really strange thing to realise though… All this time this child inside of me has been screaming.. Let me out, let me be, let me have fun. I just want to live! And I thought it was my husband telling her no, when actually… It was me.

Scary sht! What am I even supposed to do now? Now that I’ve figured it out? Say sorry? How do I even begin… Just start going out more? I don’t even know what I want. What do I want? And who is to say it’s the right thing for me?

I’m hesitant, I’m shy in front of myself, like a schoolgirl… Naked. I’m sorry… I didn’t realise. .. Now shall we make some plans to go do something fun? Would you like to meet new potential friends? Get out? Be happy? Let’s, slowly, hold our breaths and try… It’s all we can do little me… Try…

It’s been a really rough week. Since my husband confessed that he’d consciously made the decision to stop having sex with me about 3 months ago, my mind has been a whirlwind of hurt, pain, impulsivity and disaster. Embrace the suck…

Omw what a week! Straight out of hell if you ask me! So first off… I had what must be the most embarrassing humiliating experience of my life when I pooped myself on my way to a radio interview that we were SO excited to get! Then… I figured out just how difficult life was when my emotions are low AND my husband is emotionally nonexistent. I was so low and emotionally abandoned that I realised… I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THIS. It’s fine and “well” (and I guess I mean barely tolerable) when things in my life are going my way to ALWAYS be spending my energy on trying to make him feel better and trying to earn his attention… But when things are not going my way and he is still not there… That to me is (apparently according to the emotional response I had) unacceptable. I always thought I would kill myself when he left me. That was legit my plan. But this week I did the unthinkable and felt the unfathomable… And I told that I love him more than anything in the world, but I can’t stay if this is the way it’s going to be… I gave him 3 months. A whole lot of crying and breakdowns and tantrums on both sides later… He went back to therapy today and he is working at going back2basics… Eat, sleep, exercise, routine… Im just thankful that something is moving in the right direction. After all I don’t want to leave. I’m just so emotionally empty that I won’t have a choice if he continues down the rabithole… It would be drown or swim… Away… And apparently somewhere on my unbalanced path I’ve found some balls and self love, enough to say… Well if those are my two options I accept them and I’m swimming… So I guess to sum up… It’s been a pretty shitty 💩💩💩week, but I’m swimming. And if I wasn’t trying to laugh I’d be crying. At least I’m trying.

I get it

My emotions are not your problem

And your problems

I can’t solve them

You won’t let me

And you won’t leave me

In any other way

Than emotionally

You don’t need me

I don’t remember when last you held me

Told me anything about you

Or me

Do you remember how it used to be?

I lost you

And I love you

We’re still married,

But only in name

Your as cold as ice my love

And there’s nothing I can do to bring you back to life.

I can’t have a relationship with a rock

Your God, my God?

Has only taken you from me

And I’m left behind

Alone in the dark

Alone in the mirror

Alone always alone

I drown in a river of what could be

What should be

Won’t be

Ever since

You gave up on me

It’s the 20th December. Almost Christmas. I have a few good books in my possession. I saw roses today in our local rose garden. They were bright and beautiful and the sun was shining. I’m not happy with my weigh but I also walked around a local nursery that I haven’t been to in a while. I have plans, a future, a husband. The storms may hit again tomorrow but for now I am on leave for the first time in 3 years and it feels great.

I would love to write a book one day. I would love to be locked on a room with just the primary colours and a blank canvas. I would love to bleed my sou onto canvas, to start again, to begin, to end, to try. I would love to remember what it feels like to not be afraid anymore. I would love to start a blog that people read. I would love toake money online. I would love it if money wasn’t an option. Most of all I love to love him. I love him dearly, with all my heart. The best place in the world is in his arms, listening to his beating heart, cradled under his arm, listening, watching, but knowing I AM SAFE. I AM Cherished. I am loved. It’s an instant whisper of hope 8nto the withered forest that has become my heart. It’s me it’s love its freedom. And there is no would or should in it.

I am proud to say that I have found a man, I have found a love, that is bigger than the me I was yesterday, the me I am supposed to become and the me that I am struggling to be. I have found a good man. And I have loved and continue to love him well.

I’ve been seeing my new therapist. I’ve had two sessions with her now. I believe it’s already making a difference. I’ve been going to boot camp at 5 every morning. It’s a huge commitment but I’m doing it. And I have to maybe just take the time to admit to myself that I am enjoying it. It’s actually kind of fun – just taking a whole hour and selfishly devoting it to me and my body. Incredible. I went to go watch my friend’s belly dancing performance. The girls looked so pretty, confident, happy, beautiful… I want to f|l like that. So I impulsively signed up for two open classes. I don’t know how that would fit into my future, considering money, considering time, but hey, perhaps everything doesn’t have to be a five year plan. What if I just went to these two classes and enjoy it? What then?

I’ve also been painting a lot of wine bottles… I save them, paint them, then use them for oil lamps, planters and storage. I am not sure how practical or sustainable this is but I must say I am enjoying it… It’s creativity without being daunting.

I would like to paint again – huge portraits and such, like I used to, but everything has it’s place, it’s time. It’s not time right now to paint but the time is getting closer.

This will be the first year that I’m taking off time over Christmas. The new partners made it happen… It’s really amazing how much the business has grown. And though we are not even close to being home free… We are surviving right now and that is proof of concept.

We have load shedding right now. That’s what they call it in South Africa when they cut the power for hours at a time during the day. That is why I have time to write work much today.

It’s been a pretty good day.

I’m really happy today.

I just woke up fine.

The sun is shining today.

And I’m really happy to be alive.

I like reading and painting.

All the sessions of therapy have paid off too.

The not smoking, the going to bed on time,

The forced exercise, the admissions, the torture,

The struggle, the hoarder, the organizer, the sorter

We all came through for me this week.

And now I’m happy, if just for a minute,

The world isn’t ending right now

And that is worth remembering.

There’s a sadness deep inside of me,

Like an ocean filled with tears,

It drowns me from the inside out,

Fills my nostrils with salty regret

Always a triple threat.

I am not sure where it comes from,

Or why it decided to stay.

All I know is once it was inside of me

It refused to go away.

No matter how fight it, how distracted I become

There’s a sadness deep inside me

Just waiting on my return