I’ve been seeing my new therapist. I’ve had two sessions with her now. I believe it’s already making a difference. I’ve been going to boot camp at 5 every morning. It’s a huge commitment but I’m doing it. And I have to maybe just take the time to admit to myself that I am enjoying it. It’s actually kind of fun – just taking a whole hour and selfishly devoting it to me and my body. Incredible. I went to go watch my friend’s belly dancing performance. The girls looked so pretty, confident, happy, beautiful… I want to f|l like that. So I impulsively signed up for two open classes. I don’t know how that would fit into my future, considering money, considering time, but hey, perhaps everything doesn’t have to be a five year plan. What if I just went to these two classes and enjoy it? What then?

I’ve also been painting a lot of wine bottles… I save them, paint them, then use them for oil lamps, planters and storage. I am not sure how practical or sustainable this is but I must say I am enjoying it… It’s creativity without being daunting.

I would like to paint again – huge portraits and such, like I used to, but everything has it’s place, it’s time. It’s not time right now to paint but the time is getting closer.

This will be the first year that I’m taking off time over Christmas. The new partners made it happen… It’s really amazing how much the business has grown. And though we are not even close to being home free… We are surviving right now and that is proof of concept.

We have load shedding right now. That’s what they call it in South Africa when they cut the power for hours at a time during the day. That is why I have time to write work much today.

It’s been a pretty good day.

I’m really happy today.

I just woke up fine.

The sun is shining today.

And I’m really happy to be alive.

I like reading and painting.

All the sessions of therapy have paid off too.

The not smoking, the going to bed on time,

The forced exercise, the admissions, the torture,

The struggle, the hoarder, the organizer, the sorter

We all came through for me this week.

And now I’m happy, if just for a minute,

The world isn’t ending right now

And that is worth remembering.

There’s a sadness deep inside of me,

Like an ocean filled with tears,

It drowns me from the inside out,

Fills my nostrils with salty regret

Always a triple threat.

I am not sure where it comes from,

Or why it decided to stay.

All I know is once it was inside of me

It refused to go away.

No matter how fight it, how distracted I become

There’s a sadness deep inside me

Just waiting on my return

When I walk along the shoreline,

On the beach close to home,

I always notice, and always pick up

All the broken seashells.

Have you noticed how they shine?

Some wink, some shrines

In the sunlight, how they tell their story proudly

To everyone in the world who takes the time to notice.

Not pity,

Just notice.

Like the rhymes in this poetry,

They are broken, yet beautiful.

https://wp.me/p3Ca1O-aaZ

I believe this man is doing an incredibly brave thing here. It is daunting enough to be diagnosed with mental illness, but to then accept it, work with it and showcase it in all its chaotic glory is truly brave and beautiful. I am so thankful for people like these who, through their bravery, let’s the rest of us know that it’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes it’s even beautiful. Thank you Gareth Jones.

I went to boot camp this morning. It felt really good. Hubby encouraged me to go and that was the last push I needed. He says I would never have done it just for me. I would have the intent but not the conviction to push through, which would keep me stuck in a loop of thinking, wishing and planning a lot but not doing. Why is it so difficult for me to do things for myself? Just for me? Because it makes me happy? Why does it always have to be such a fight? If I don’t make money from it or don’t make somebody else happy because of it or don’t gain tangible results from it (as in a clean house) I don’t do it. Hubby is right. I really can be such a dick 2 myself. I need to write this down to remember that getting up and letting myself relax and think of nothing other than how to survive the next exercise is okay. Not just okay. I’m desperate for it. I need it. It makes me happy. And I deserve happy.

https://wp.me/p3FO3w-6Iz

Thanks for bringing this up Jack. When you’ve been raised in a home where only perfection will earn you love and your only choice always was ‘be perfect’ or be ‘unloved’ it’s really difficult to let go of this voice inside of yourself that always relentlessly whispers lies – demanding perfectionism in everything you do.

I often still catch myself out – I’ll often push myself harder than anybody should, demand more, be satisfied with less. I dismiss my positive qualities and annihilated myself for my bad ones. Like a really bad parent. I struggle to have compassion for myself. And lately I’ve noticed that I also struggle to have compassion for others.

Sometimes I don’t even try because I’m certain I’ll fail. Other times I try things that no person in their right mind with my resources at the time would’ve and I make myself get to the other side. Failure is not an option.

I think this ‘trait’ or flaw has earned me a lot of treasures in life. It’s how I started my business with zero clients and no money, freshly defeated by my precious career and turned it into something resembling a stable future. It’s also earned me a lot of heartbreak. It’s why I expect the unexpectable from others, it’s why I can judge the hell out of those I love around me. It’s how I almost always feel that everyone around is not doing enough, committed enough, worthy enough. It’s how I’ve lost every person that I’ve ever liked enough to attempt to have a relationship with. And so… I’m constantly torn up by perfectionist expectations and yet I’m never good enough. And in reality it results in me never being good enough for people I reach out to. This must be how one makes ones own nightmares into reality – without even realising it at the time.

They say it’s lonely at the top. I can tell you from experience it’s a lot lonelier at the bottom after you’ve fallen off the previous high.

I suspect I need to focus on developing more compassion as an antidote to perfectionism. I am not yet sure if I deserve it but I know the people around me definitely do. And that is who I am at my core – a caretaker, a protector, a loyalist. I love with an intensity that I can only describe as painful. So then why do I struggle with compassion? Isn’t that the ultimate perpetual torture?

My world is a confusion of colour

A cacophony of excitement

A delicious drama

An endless restless incestuous pool of resentment

Where up is never up

And down is never down

Yet up is higher up than any man has ever gone before

And down is down lower than any human should ever be allowed to be

In my world I’m the chronic patient in a never ending prism

The sweet innocent victim,

The horrible inhumane whore,

The torturer, the victim, the person crying in the corner

And the one that upset him

It’s really difficult to be me

The only certainty

Is that nothing will ever be the same

Again

But then

I pick myself up and I try to push on

Onwards and upwards

Because that is what good humans do

And when I return I’ll be the good human coming home, the victor,

The proud one,

That’s what I tell myself

But no matter how hard I try, how far I reach, how much I give,

How much I scream or grit my teeth

I never come home

Instead the unending ocean of loneliness, hopelessness and emptiness always finds me

So yeah I mean I’ve been pretty happy/ productive over the last few weeks. I got an earth work farm which is great. I’ve set some goals and am progressing well towards reaching them. Hell, I even exercised. But today I got my period and with it the worst back pain in the world. It just made everything a bit more difficult and slow… And now I find I’m feeling really dissatisfied with myself the world and everything… Maybe that’s part of the BPd thing. I dunno… I do kinda feel that I’m being a bot rough on myself. I mean I didn’t do nothing, just less and maybe I didn’t even do less. Maybe I just feel like I did less. I think maybe a good nightly routine could fix some of my issues. Can anyone recommend one?

Today I tried a new app called accomplish. I do think it helped to take time the night before to set my intentions for the next day. I didn’t magically double in productivity but I did feel calmer… More together.. I think. I’m not in bed by time but I exercised! I’m so proud of myself! Have really been struggling to find motivation to do this and this morning it was like some spark of my old self was back – the person that enjoys exercise, and breathing heavy, and the challenge and believes that there are adventures to be prepared for. I’d like to see more of her again… My work task is not done, but I do think taking the time to “pack” the rest of the day neatly into boxes with clear intentions did help my brain to reclaim some strategic thinking paths and now I have a plan for tomorrow and how to make it even better than today… I’m going to strategically tackle work with the end goal in mind. My mind will be having work for breakfast tomorrow. I specialise in finding the shortest route to the clearest answer. I musn’t forget that. I can do this.

On totally unrelated note… Just as I was getting desperate today my husband got out of bed and his behavior started resembling more of his best self. I am grateful for that.