Author: arielhopewhispers

I've got borderline personality disorder. I'm divorced. I'm in my early thirties. I'm really confused. I'm in a relationship. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm honest. I like to think I'm a good person. I'm definitely an empathic person. I'm a caring person. I try to make the world a better place. I experience extreme highs and extreme lows. I have difficulty processing emotions. I have difficulty maintaining relationships. I've got an extreme fear of abandonment. I'm still learning how to be a better me. I have low self-esteem. You'll have to look very far to find a more loving person than me. I love deeply and fiercely. I love dogs. I love dancing, writing, poetry. Occasionally my posts include poetry. Most of the time it's just me talking to you. It helps me process things. It helps me remember things. It helps me create a sort of constant reminder of who I am. I'm grateful to those of you who read my posts and leave a helpful comment. I try to include helpful links to resources and stuff, when I can. This platform means the world to me. I've met some really wise, amazing and supportive people. Thank you for giving me a space where I can literally just be me - no holds barred.

All roads lead back to hell – reflection on the week past

This was a really intense week. In fact, it was borderline bad – pun intended. I had a ton of deadlines to get through at my day job and I still have a ton of things to get to for my side hustle. My anxiety has been through the roof and I have been resorting to sleeping pills for sleep. On top of this I have this ‘doomed’ perspective on all of this just thinking that all of this stress and work is ‘for nothing’ and that ‘all roads lead back to hell.’

One thing I did realise this week though is that I do tend to engage in ‘disastor thinking’ – or whatever it is called, where I just automatically assume everything will turn out for the worst. I do also realise, perhaps for the first time in my life, that this really is a ‘thinking trap’ and not very helpful towards life in general at all. I tend to label this thinking in my head as ‘cautious’ and ‘conservative’, sometimes even ‘realistic’ or ‘prepared for the worst’, but really all I am accomplishing by thinking this way is convincing myself that the worst of the worst is coming. This is a method that my parents used to use on me to make me ‘try harder’, but what it has been doing lately, when I literally can’t ‘try harder’ because I’m completely burnt out, is making me give up and become anxious. I feel like the whole world is out of control and nothing is at it should be and I am somehow to blame for all of this.

I am ready to let go of this thought trap now. I just pray to God that it lets me go too.

On a slightly more positive note I did manage to accomplish some things this week: I mended the relationship with my business partners and I think they now understand where my concerns for the business was coming from. I feel more at ease that they understand what is at stake and that they share the responsibility to make things work with me.

My husband all of a sudden feels like he has the ‘best job ever’, which means he has been learning more about his role in the business. It’s just really nice to see him ‘care’ about the business for a change as for the first two years of this he would just ‘watch’ me trying to make it work, saying that he believes in me, but not really engaging with the business and the work behind it, at all. I’m glad he cares and is developing into his role in the business.

I managed to express to the boss at my day job the amount of pressure I am under with performing at his job, and how I feel I am failing at this. He reassured me once again, that I do add value to the business and it is okay to keep learning… So for now….perhaps that is okay. I mean, you never know with ‘bosses’. My experience with authority figures have been that they are extremely unpredictable, but then again…I do have complex post traumatic stress disorder so perhaps that is also a thought patter I should investigate…eventually.

I managed to point out to this boss person how much pressure he was putting on my colleaugue as well. She started crying in front of him, but I kind of feel chuffed that I made him see how she was feeling. Perhaps he will be more gentle with her from now on. I don’t know. That was kind of like a ‘good deed’ for the day so I think it is worth mentioning.

I also have a very supportive manager at my day job which has also kind of pointed out how hard I am on myself. She hasn’t started ‘hating’ me yet. I guess this is another fear of mine I should explore of some point. She is so nice and amazing. I really want her to like me, same with the boss, so now I have this fear that I will do something or I will underperform and they will ‘hate me’. It sounds stupid, but when you’ve been raised on conditional love that fear can feel all consuming – even now still as an adult in my late twenties.

I think I’ve acted particulourly grown up with my husband lately. I am trying to do what the “Boundaries” book of Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend says and take responsibility for my wants and needs and everything else that is mine. Letting go of trying to control other people… So when my husband told me this weekend that he did not particulourly feel like going for a hike this weekend I told him it is ‘not a problem at all.’ and I actually meant it. It is my want to do something this weekend that will take my mind completely off of what is going on in my life and allow me to relax and I met it with playing some free game on my phone today (I know not the best substitute, but hey…I am trying to selfcare here…perhaps next time I will muster up the confidence for yoga or something or going on the hike by myself or with other people).

I also managed to get to the doctor and convince him that he should up my Sertraline subscription to 100mg instead of 50mg. Long story short, about three months ago I had no anxiety and felt really good with the way I was dealing with life so I decided to stop taking my anti-depressant (Sertraline) which I used at 200mg everyday for two years before that… Now I am anxious again and the nightmares have actually come back (as you’ll see from my posts I’ve been struggling emotionally) so I convinced the doctor help me get back onto the Sertraline. The reason I have to convince him, by the way, is because I had a fancy doctor way back when I started the anti-depressants, because I had a fancy job. I have since quit said fancy job, and now I am a struggling entrepreneur so I am going to the most affordable doctor I could find…which means convincing him first of all that I need the Sertraline and second of all that I need to get back to the very high dosage, or at least as close to it as possible, as soon as possible.

So I am atleast on 100mg Serdep now again…and I got some sleeping pills for in case sleeping is a problem. I also got some anxiety medication…which is addictive so I am trying to not take too much of that. Hopefully the Serdep will start working its magic again soon though…I am looking forward to feeling more emotionally balanced, safe and under control.

I also managed to read and understand a bit more of the “Boundaries” book written by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Here are some pictures of what I understand so far (this is all Greek to me as I come from a very disfunctional family, but once I’ve figured it out a bit more, I might do a post on it just to capture the essence of it):

Original Image byĀ Alexandra HaynakĀ fromĀ PixabayĀ 
Original Image by Deflyne Coppens from Pixabay

So ya, I guess I survived a lot this week and I actually got some good out of it so no need to feel so depressed about it…

The bad day was a good day after all #grateful

Today was one of the worst days ever, but I ended up feeling so loved, so secure.See, being borderline is especially difficult when you try make a career out of entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship involves people, people and more people. And I suck at working with people!Oh it always starts out just great. Everyone loves me when I’m in people pleasing mode and I love them, because… well they love me. But as the relationship progressed the cracks start to show… I get tired of always being nice… They respond with surprised irritation or frustration or hatred when they realise I’m not exactly who I pretended to be… My worst fears come true. I get abandoned shunned and rejected and prove to myself once more that I’m not lovable…But not this time. Not today.I had a fight with one of the business partners this morning. He feels he is working more than enough hours for the business. I feel anyone that can take off 4 hours at a time during business hours doesn’t deserve to be a start-up entrepreneur! So the true feelings came out. Both of us are ‘stubborn’ I guess. Both of us find conflict difficult and constructive conflict impossible. Both of us are super stressed. His wife just had a baby… I’m juggling a full time job with my entrepreneurship job. It’s a whole mess really…So we had this fight that ended with everything unresolved and both of us through the roof with anger. I was picturing the end of the world and the end of our business venture in my head.But then I did one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. I told him to call my husband (also a partner in the business) to arrange the ‘urgent’ meeting that needed to follow our unresolved conflict.When I got home I had an apology waiting on my flock and a husband that had taken care of everything. Somehow he had gotten the donkey partner to get back to work and no urgent meeting was needed anymore. The business wasn’t ending and it wasn’t the end of the world either…Look I’m still super stressed, but I guess I realised today that quitting is really not an option that’s on the table now. The only way out of this is through it and apparently other people have realised that too. I’m not on my own. I’m not alone and I didn’t get abandoned.I also now realise that self-sabotage is an actual real thing for me. It’s strange but in some weird way I guess this bad day was a good day after all.

Self care

I woke up super anxious and having thoughts like “none of it makes a difference anyway. Why even bother to try… ” I was planning on working on my business today, but I felt so negative. I didn’t want to work today. Usually, I would just force myself to work and suffer the consequences, but today I decided to give myself a break. I decided to be on my own side. I’ve been working a full time job and on the side I work at my own business for about 6 months now. I do an average of about 75 hours per week. No wonder I’m tired. ‘Normal’ people work 45 hours a week and get tired. It’s okay to be tired.This was a new level of self compassion for me. I’m not sure what sparked the change, but I think it’s progress. Although my business lost a day’s work from me, I gained confidence in my ability to look after and take care of myself.What did I do then, if I didn’t work? Well I tried something new. I tried to not deliberately plan activities according to the outcome I want. I tried to give my brain a chance to just be… So as thoughts came up like… “I’ve read enough now” and… “I’m hungry” I actively tried to listen, take note and respond to fulfil the need. Like I said, this was a completely new experience for me, but I think this is good. I think it is progress.

Just because it burns šŸ”„

“Just because it burns it doesn’t mean your gonna die. You got to get up and try. Try. TRY.” PINK – TRY

Sometimes being brave doesn’t look very James Bond, sweaty or heroic. Bravery isn’t always surrounded by clashing swords and the sound of battle horns. Bravery can sometimes be very quietly resilient. Sensibly sane. It can be getting out of bed when all you feel like is staying in – forever. It can be saying yes to challenges when your self-esteem is so low your not even sure why you’re still breathing. It can be holding on to a glimmer of hope that you once saw and remember vaguely when everything else inside of you is screaming that all hope is lost. Going on a hike even when you’ve got antidepressant withdrawal symptoms from hell. Going to work even though you’re not sure you’ll be able to handle what they throw at you next. Paying attention to your husband’s emotions and being responsive to his needs when you’re not even sure if the relationship will be there tomorrow because your so afraid your mental health will fall to pieces and take your relationship with it. Talking to people you’ve not spoken to for a while even though you don’t feel deserving of a relationship.

That was me last week and all through the weekend. I was brave. Today I came home and for some inexplicable reason I felt happy. Not ecstatic happy, but content, like I finally had done something good. Too afraid of losing the feeling so I don’t want to interrogate it too much, but it feels good like a blanket, or a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. Not a cake, bit a cup of hot chocolate. I love it. I guess bravery pays off.

The hike: one step at a time

Today I went hiking with a group I found on meetup. It is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but never had the courage to do.

I met the group at the designated place, walked a forest path mosaiced with autumn leaves, saw the ruins of settlers who conquered the terrain years ago, struggled to keep up with the group, though about giving up more than once, wrestled with my demons of the week (anger and uncertainty over my business & business partners), saw some great sights, laughed for a change, felt the sun on my skin, got blisters the size of apples on my feet, met some new people… And kept going.

I finished the hike with the group and got a handshake from the instructor who acknowledged my accomplishment for completing the hike.

Turns out that ‘easy’ means easy for intermediates, not beginners like me. But I finished it anyway. Yay me and well done.

Perhaps life and entrepreneurship is sometimes like those steps on that mountain. If you think too much about the whole journey it’s easy to give up or never try, but if you focus on just taking one step at a time…. you just might make it… One step at a time.

What is a Boundary? #mentalhealthbasics

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me; much like the outline of a drawing or the skin around our bodies or the wall around a yard. It is there to protect us. It also defines what is not my property, responsibility or problem. For example, we are not responsible for other people.

Image by Sritum_Kumar on Pixabay

We need to keep things that nurture us inside our fences and things that harm us outside. In short, boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out.

Having boundaries isn’t a luxury, like I used to think, but a truth. You have psychological and physical boundaries. That is a truth. By being aware of your boundaries and communicating them to others, you are taking responsibility for yourself and acting with integrity toward yourself. On the other hand, if you aren’t aware of your boundaries or choose to let them be violated you aren’t taking care of yourself and are living in a way in which you risk your mental health and stability.

Examples of how one can set boundaries, include:

  • Using words, for example ‘not
  • Using geographical distance, for example excusing yourself from a conversation you would rather not be a part of
  • Using emotional distance
  • Communicating consequences for certain actions, for example a “no trespassing” sign that communicates consequences of prosecution

In terms of boundaries, our first responsibility is to figure out what they are and then how to enforce them.

One super helpful tip to remember when setting boundaries is that you cannot set limits on other people. Other people are just as much their own problem and responsibility as you are yours. What you can do and should do is limit your own exposure to people who are behaving poorly.

One things is for sure (and this is something I never knew!) you are not doing anyone a favor if you choose to just ignore your boundaries. It might feel like you are just being an agreeable/ nice/ good person, but in reality you are not taking care of what is your responsibility and the inevitable consequence of that will be emotions such as anger, shame and guilt, decreased self-esteem and all in all just a more difficult ‘out of control’ life.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. This is my interpretation of the various sources listed below I consulted in an attempt to self-help and teach myself what I need to know about mental health in order to be mentally healthy.

Source: “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Can you spare a comment?

Could you spare a moment

For a gal in need

Hey sir,

When you have a moment could you read

My posts and tell me why

Life is awful difficult

No matter how hard I try

Just a little advice if you could spare some, please šŸ™

I am literally begging on my knees

There is so much I don’t know right now,

So much I wish I did

So if you’re just even just passing by

Please spare a moment and drop a comment

On my blog

Each piece of advice is cherished like gold

And each person passing by

Makes a difference worth their weight ten fold.

To confront or not to confront

Today started with a hectic deadline at work. The idiot manager actually asked me at one point in the midst of me trying to frantically get all audit files printed in time “Is there anything I can do…?” So I told him if he really wants to he could check the financial statements so long. I showed him what still has to be done and then he actually said “Well, I’m not looking at that.” And then he started again “So is there anything I can do?” Ugh, what an asshole. He was just trying to put more pressure on me. That is when I realised what a manipulative person I am actually dealing with. Thank goodness I finished just in time…

BUT then, just when all was supposed to be good and well again our two business partners decide to take the afternoon off… Without telling us. I’m the last person to judge, but this made me so mad. I mean, we’re in this business together and honestly I work my but off just to watch these two idiots come and go as they please…living the good life… so I work on weekends so they can take Mondays off. It’s not fair. This entrepreneurship thing is hard. Do I confront them about it or what do I do? If I confront them about it I can just already hear the million excuses and if I don’t… they keep taking advantage? Until we’re all broke? So I’m stuck.

Why can’t people just all be honest and good and pure. We can live in a world where no one gets shouted at and everyone does their bit and it will be magical. But reality is far from it.

The book I’m reading says I have to set boundaries. If I’m reading this right my problem is that people just don’t respect mine. Maybe they don’t even know about them. So they violate them all the time, causing me to feel anger and rage. I need to find my voice somewhere, along with my boundaries. My emotions are telling me to stick up for myself and I’m just not listening. Even if I consider listening to it I won’t know how to act on it. How do I confront people without losing control of the whole situation?

Right now I have 2 partners that do a fairly okay job at making us money and who are nice to me and who supports me. If I confront them they might decide to stop doing anything at all. But then again, that would be stupid of them because it will be like cutting off the nose to spite the face. But it might get seriously awkward… Could I live with that? It might become a toxic relationship. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. I’ve been in enough toxic relationships to know that it’s not a nice place to be. I really don’t know what to do. Any advice anyone?

1. How do you determine if you’ve been taken advantage of? And

2. How do you confront people who are supposed to be your friends who end up taking advantage of you?

PS: I chose to confront the 2 business partners. I plucked up all my courage and used my best boundary book language to explain to both of them, in writing, that I felt that we should all recognize that we are responsible for working the hours that we promised we would work and that no one else should have to suffer if one of us doesn’t do this and that, since it affects all of us when one of us doesn’t work our hours, we should take the initiative to communicate this and then take steps to make it up to the others, by, for example, working in the hours or taking unpaid leave. Partner 1 was immediately upset and said it felt like a personal attack. His response was very emotional, according to him he had been doing that anyway so he said me bringing this up felt like a slap on the face. Partner 2 drew a line in the sand and said if I had something to talk about I must go talk to her face to face. I responded by writing that I wasn’t accusing anyone of anything, so if everyone was in fact working their hours they must just communicate this. Partner 1 then apologised for seeing my post as an attack and for attacking me, but I can see he is still upset about it. Partner 2 doesn’t look to upset now, but I think she did take in what I said and proceeded to, again, reassure me that they had more to lose than us so they knew the consequencess. So long story short… I didn’t die because I set the boundary. The book said when you confront someone with unhealthy boundaries they will attack so that is true, but I know why so… I think I feel good about setting this boundary and I think it might have even increased the respect I have for myself, which increased my self-esteem. I’m standing for myself and my husband and basically telling the business world – your not taking us for a ride, I won’t have it.