Morning Sunshine,

I guess you’re wondering how I write posts that spill over with tears, blood, gore, shame, guilt and hopelessness and still keep going? I often wonder the same. Especially since my rock, my foundation, the person I attached myself to so I would have atleast some form of stability, left….Or ummm I guess I left him…but he left me first emotionally… Anyway…

I know many of my posts have been dark, to say the least, filled to the brim with sadness, twisted anger, fury, hurt and pain… I guess I’m starting to finally be capable of living…with my shadow self, which is good? Perhaps true strenght comes from being capable of recognising all our emotions, offering each of them a seat in our heart and really sitting with them, listening to what they are saying, writing it down and then politely thanking them for stopping by…and wishing them a fond but firm goodbye…

It’s new for me, to be honest. I’m BPD, which means I’ve learnt from a young age to be scared of my own emotions, knowing I am ‘too much’ in pretty much all aspects. But being scared of and denying my own emotions is ironically the best way to gaurantee emotional instability for myself and those that depend on me… And a lot of people depend on me these days.

To be honest my shadow self still scares the shit out of me most of the time. How can anyone be THAT SAD? Experience THAT MUCH PAIN? Love THAT MUCH? But I CAN. And it’s time for me to not only face, but accept and embrace that fact, I think. YES I am TOO MUCH. YES, I experience emotional intensity that would leave the rest of you normal people breathless, a couple of times each and every single day. And YES, that is because I am strong enough, woman enough, human enough to do so.

Which then explains why I’m feeling so strong, positive and stable this morning…. After working with my deepest, darkest self and emotions intensively the whole weekend…I am ready to accept, and accept that I am healing from it too. And that fills me with a HOPE of which I cannot even begin to describe the intensity in words. I’m positive this morning. I’m strong this morning. I’m together this morning. I’m ready this morning. Let’s do this.

She was a lioness. When she rose, nations followed. Where she spoke, tribes would form. She was confident and kind, clearly aware of her worth. She made decisions gentlry, but firmly steering the people that chose to follow her in the right direction. She worked harder than everyone else, but she loved herself for it. She understood that she deserved as much unconditional love as she so freely bestowed on those around her. Around her, people blossomed.

She was incredibly smart, a leading intellectual. She lead them firmly, fiercely, forward. She never quit. She was a visionary. She managed change brilliantly. People felt safe with her. When she spoke, people listened. She was widely respected.

Positive Affirmations that are going to get me there:

• I am a number-chrunching, creative genius solutions machine. Problem-solving aint got nothing on me
• Girl – you got this. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.
• I am on fire with passion for my business and my team.
• My team is going to conquer worlds on my instruction.
• I speak with conviction.
• I am sure of myself.
• I consider all the facts, weight all the options, and make decisions that serve us best in the scneario in which they are presented.
• I know that whatever happens. I will be able to deal with it. I lead us safely forward, even in the biggest blizzard.
• I plan meticulously. My ducks are always in a row. My team is always provided with every single resource they could need.
• I make the decisions that make the tomorrow’s possible for all of us.
• I take the lead.
• I am a fearless leader.
• When I rise, nations follow.
• I am a lioness.
• I am a responsible leader.
• I give direction – firm, but gentle.
• My team loves me.
• I am surrounded by love.
• I love myself unconditionally
• Where I walk, money follows
• I create abundance everywhere I go
• I walk firmly forward everyday
• I am grit and determination.
• I find beauty everwhere I go and this inspires people.
• I am perceptive as hell
• I am a safe haven for myself and my team
• I am calm and confident
• I radiate authority
• Everything I touch turns to gold
• Trust me, you want me on your side
• Follow me and prosper
• Authority is permission to act without asking permission while being held accountable.
• I engage and energize organizations.
• I exist to serve. The purpose of my authority is effectiveness and efficiency in everything we do.
• I live the values that feed this business
• I find it easy to focus energy and protect with boundaries.
• I learn from everyone around me while I lead. My team respects me for this.
• If you want to survive you should let me lead.
• I celebrate the competence of others without degrading my own role.
• I focus more on where we’re going than on what went wrong.
• I am confident, but not domineering, empathetic but not weak
• I always explain what we are doing and why.
• I work hard, am knowledgeable, am confident and produce results. That is why I lead.
• I know and can point out my contribution to this company. I know my worth and I broadcast it proudly.
• I know what I have done to deserve their respect and I am not fearful of pointing this out when necessary.
• I am open to changing my leadership approach based on what does and does not work. My flexibility is one of my greatest strenghts.
• I am my own best friend. With me in my corner, I can reach the stars
• I listen to what my clients and team have to say and make the call to implement change where necessary. This earns me authority and respect from both co-workers and clients.
• I project a sense of confidence, professionalism, and single-mindedness about getting my job done, which is why I am naturally seen as ‘the boss’.
• I do not doubt myself and so other do not doubt me.
• I know that I am the best choice in leadership for this company.
• I am proud of my CV. I have worked hard for it and deserve to showcase it.
• I am proud of the third party credibility I have established for myself in this world. My clients love, respect and trust me because of who I am.
• I am knowledgeable, fair, compassionate and firm.
• I have built a professional persona that people will remember
• I have an undeniable entrepreneurial spirit.
• I am a responsible leader.
• I am a good leader and therefore I am constantly developing
• I’ve developed the skills that develop leader capacities, namely situational awareness, calmness under pressure, mental flexibility, and positive thinking. This is why I am a good leader.
• I motivate people by showing how their work fit into the bigger picture of the company.
• I know how to maximize the commitment of my people to the goals and strategy of the organization.
• I am an authoritative leader, which means that I earn respect, I don’t demand it.
• I direct my people with unwavering conviction and dedication.
• I believe that my strategy is the most effective, and therefore I lead my people toward that vision fearlessly.
• I am capable of exercising firm decisions in high-pressure situations, but I am also highly aware if the method is counterproductive.
• I accomplish projects quicly and efficiently
• I set rigid rules when necessary to keep my business out of harms way
• I am intentional about when and how I make demands of my people
• I speak and act with the confidence of my position
• I know I don’t have to get angry or upset because I have the tools and authority necessary to resolve problems
• Iknow that addressing problems head-on is a key part of my job, and I act accordingly.

This woman is absolutely brilliant. Stunning in her vulnerability. Inspiring because of her realness. For a dancer, like me, knowing that there are women out there who aren’t afraid to not look like barbie’s, but who still dance unashamedly…that is freedom… One day… I will dance again. Watch this space.

I heard a knock upon my door the other day
I opened it to find death staring in my face
The feel of mortal stalking still reverberates
Everywhere I go I drag this coffin just in caseMy bodies tremblin’ sends shivers down my spine
Adrenaline kicks and shifts into overdrive,
Your secrets keep you sick your lies keep you alive
Snake eyes every single time you roll with crooked dice
I felt the darkness as it tried to pull me down
The kind of dark that haunts a hundred year old house
I wrestle with my thoughts I shook the hand of doubt
Running from my past I’m praying feet don’t fail me now!

I’ve lost my god damn mind,
It happens all the time,
I can’t believe I’m actually
Meant to be here,
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you
And I’m so high on misery
Can’t you see!I got these questions always running through my head
So many things that I would like to understand
If we are born to die and we all die to live
Then what’s the point of living life if it just contradicts?
I felt the darkness as it tried to pull me down
The kind of dark that haunts a hundred year old house
I wrestle with my thoughts I shook the hand of doubt
Running from my past I’m praying feet don’t fail me now!I’ve lost my god damn mind
It happens all the time
I can’t believe I’m actually
Meant to be here
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you
And I’m so high on misery
Can’t you see!I’ve lost
Myself
You tried to reach me but you just can’t help me
So long
Goodbye
You tried to save me it wont work this time!’Cause now
I’ve lost my fucking mind
And there’s no fucking time
I can’t believe I’m actually
Meant to be here
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you
And I’m so high on misery
Can’t you see?
Oh can’t you see?
Can’t you see?

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Michael Baskette / David Edgecombe Holdredge / Ronnie RadkeThe Drug in Me Is You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I’ve lost my fucking mind and there’s no fucking time… I can’t believe I’m actually meant to be here… I’m so scared of turning out just like you dad. You were the most beautiful person in the world – my superhero. And I watched you lose your soul. Slowly over time. You turned into…someone I hardly knew, making choices that the old you never would have…. And I swore… I swore I wouldn’t be like you…ever… I would never forget myself like that. I would remember, I would remember what is truely important in life.

All I wanted was a family, dad. But you left me alone on the battlefield, didn’t you dad? And you whatched me being raped over and over and over again. And when the battle was over no one came to help me… I got up by myself and walked out of there on my own….with nothing. Nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing!

And even now…the nothing stays…and every family I’ve ever longed for leaves me. And on top of that, my world is working out to look so very similar to yours. It’s scary. But I, I swear to God, I will not, will never, no matter what happens from here, lose my soul. I’d rather lose my fingers, my feet, my will to live, but not my soul. No never, because that – I’ve seen that is a fate worse than death.

I have to find a way though…to move on with my life… Tread lightly dear….

I’ll never forget this moment. If I had to describe it one word I would say that it was traumatising in itself. An example of another ‘insignificant’ moment that meant the world to me and will probably haunt me for a lifetime…

It was one, two or three weeks after I’d seen my new psychologist for the first time. The first session was bearable and the purpose for me seeing her was established – I was stuck in this small town, with no one to talk to, enemies all around me and I needed to work through my divorce… I told her one of my greatest fears, suddenly resurfased because of these God-awful circumstances, was the fear of ‘losing’ myself. I’m not sure if she got it, but I tried to explain to her… It would be as if I had never been…as if the past 10 years of my life hadn’t existed, as if I never had escaped my home, never survived in the real world, never committed myself, never got better…. Because those were all things that I ‘remembered emotionally’ as part of my attachment to my husband – who was currently leaving me.

I tried to communicate my fear, but I’m not sure if she saw the real terror in my eyes. I remember in that session I still had much of ‘me’ in me. I wasn’t yet completely sure who I was (far from it!) but I had seen and collected parts of myself…during these 10 years… and I had picked them all up….like pieces of beautiful broken shells…and I had kept them…and I had started to glue them back together…and I had started to like…perhaps even love…the broken image I was starting to see…but now…you see that image was attached to my husband who was now leaving. And it was as if I could FEEL the sand in my heart – on which the image was laid out – starting to slowly fall through the fingers of time…and it was a horrible feeling. I could feel the emptiness starting to creep back in – to take over and fill the space in my heart which had always before belonged completely to it. It was like having icy cold fingers inside of my heart. I don’t think anyone without BPD could actually ever understand the pure horridness of this feeling.

Anyway….so it was one, two or three weeks (and sessions) later when she looked me dead in the eyes all of a sudden during a ‘normal’ ‘conversation’ and asked me: “So who are you?”

I froze. I had nothing to say. I instantly snapped into feeling like an imposter. She was right. Who the hell was I? Who am I? I kept quiet, bound by a confusion of feelings that wrapped around my mouth like a chain. She asked, without any remorse, completely unaware(I think) of the pain she had just caused…”Is this a difficult question?” It would’ve been better if I could’ve related to the empathy that she had tried to express at this point but how can one ever really truely empathise if you haven’t felt what another has felt? I hung my head, spontaneously. “I don’t know” I mumbled. Instant Shame, even guilt perhaps. “Try… she said”.

“I am a successful business woman.” – I said what I wanted to be true, but I couldn’t remember if it was. “I am intelligent.” – I copied what my very first psychologist had made me remember – it was the one piece of my self that she confirmed, affirmed and gave to me to hold on forever as a present wrapped in golden unforgettable words. And then I kept quiet. I didn’t have anything else to say.

I always look for inspirational influences in my life. I never had an attachment to my parents so it’s like since I’ve been born into this world I’ve realised that it’s my job to look for “parents” – people I can learn from, learn with, be inspired by, be like…

Everyone at school always compared me to Ingrid Jonker, mainly because one of they only things they knew about me was that I was quiet, smart, a dancer, a writer and had curly hair… When I would ask who that is they would tell me…a very amazing inspiritational magical poet who walked into the Ocean when she was 31 and never came back.

Interesting. I mean. Sure. When you’re 8 this is a confusing thing to hear. When you’re 10 it’s still confusing. When you’re 16 and heartbroken you start to think about it and some of it starts to make sense. When you’re 30 and heartbroken you start to want to find out more.

So I was surprised, but also not surprised at all when I found the copy of the article in my bedroom this morning. And I found out by reading this article that the reason why she, most likely (I say most likely, because no one ever knew her well enough to know for sure – just like me), walked into the ocean was because of love. Love lost and love won. But like I said no knows and no one will ever know…for sure.

I, am only 30, and not close to completely broken. I have experienced what completely broken feels like though….long ago, around the age of 21….That was my ‘birth’ and ‘death’ into life. And again when I was say 26…and although I do not wish that amount of pain on anyone, including me, I think that, if I would be able to feel what she had felt, it would feel something like this:

She

She walks a sandy road

She pushes forward everyday

And everyday she fights

and lives to fight another day

Her smile is brilliant

like the sun – some say

but the words she bleeds onto paper

is tragic

She loves – fully

with nothing held back

If she was smarter

She would hold back,

but she’s not

She’s intelligent

beyond measure

people compare her to

Shakespear and she

moves hearts with her words

Nations rise behind her

books And She

continues to bleed on paper

But people who write get papercuts

And even when the wounds get deep enough

he still did not care

She begged, she pleaded, she wished, fought

and gave up

And he still – did not

There was many of him in her life.

So she continues to bleed onto paper

the words get more and wilder

and leaves the paper and swirls like

pure chaos into her life

like a whirlwind

she’s trapped

inside and outside of herself

It’s a horrible place to be

but no, she will not let them go

they need her

and so

one day

she finds herself by the ocean

where the waves carress the bosoms of the beach

she

loves and loves not anymore

she bleeds

on paper and then in life

and just the way she is

she makes sure the waves

will clean up after her

so the world would not be left

as she always was

supposed to be

a mess

Hey you…

Can you believe that I’ve checked in with you 100 times since we met? I remember when we met and everything was still new… I decided that talking to you could create a safe space for me… A tiny little something I could hold onto when life’s waters get rough and my tears inevitably wash away my latest convictions… And it worked, because you’re still here.. 100 posts later… And when I’m really really down or lonely or just have something to share that is inappropriate or too vulnerable to possibly mention to anyone who knows my name and has access to my Facebook page… You’ve always been here for me. I appreciate that. Even more no that I’ve lost my husband… Who knew when we met you would come to mean so much to me? Thank you.

https://wp.me/sa5Rol-11

These words from Lilblondezombie have touched my soul tonight and somehow I feel less lonely in my suffering because just knowing that someone else feels these feelings too… Is strangely comforting to me…

It’s like when he said… His favorite song is “behind blue eyes” because it reminds him that everyone feels like this sometimes…

When I read these words from Lilblondezombie I feel…

Grateful for her courage to share this. Grateful that she has written the words that I’ve been too afraid to write. Afraid of the emotional pain that still lies in store for me during this divorce. Proud of myself because even though I know this about myself… And I knew how “impossible” it is for me to leave my favorite person… I still did it. When he turned really abusive, when I had to choose between my life and soul and having him around… I chose me… And I’m still standing… Yes, I’ve bled, yes, it hurts, yes I’ve become suicidal yes I Jabe thoughts of self harm and innapropriate coping mechanisms coupled with an impulsivity and self destructive ness that have skyrocketed to new levels. But I did it and I’m still standing. And that counts for so much so I am honestly so proud of me. Thanks for bringing it up lilblondezombie!

https://wp.me/pa5Rol-2z