I figured out what is making me sick. Over the past 3 months I blogged about sudden anxiety, low self-esteem & uncertainty (self-doubt). Before I had felt confident enough to stop my medication, but now I all of a sudden had out of control anxiety (again), and I didn’t understand why.

It’s because I’m dealing with a narcissist manager at work. I knew she was a bitch. I watched myself lose all respect for and trust in her. My subconscious labeled her childish, stupid and a threat, but I didn’t realise until it was too late what I was dealing with. Only yesterday when a file magically disappeared and then reappeared and I found myself questioning my sanity, I suddenly recognised a behavioural tactic – gaslighting. I mean I knew she was childish and emotional but now also willing to stoop to this level of psychological attack? No thank you.

I’m currently deciding how to act next but I can’t really see this ending with us parting ways amicably. I also can’t see myself willingly staying and subjecting myself to this abuse. I also can’t see the boss realising the validity of my plight and standing with me to resolve the issue.

I will keep you posted. I need you now more than ever.

There is something heartbreaking about seeing someone look at you through a shield of pain – seeing their blurry vision distort and change everything around them into monsters and ashes.

It’s amazing to me how much I still miss her – the mom I never had and never will have.I felt so much for her. I picked up her pain and carried it as my own. I would cross deserts for her, swim oceans for the hope… The hope that someday one day she would recognise me as a person, see me, touch me, hear me, talk to me. And we would do everything that I thought a mom a daughter should do.But I couldn’t save her. I have a mother. She is a woman and she is a stranger to me. We never shop together. We never have coffee. We never gossip or watch movies. Come to think of it – no wonder I was bad at all those things when I was young and had no friends… If my own mother couldn’t love me enough to do those things with me who could? I guess that is what I thought. That must be why I felt a inferior so utterly useless, rejected. I always though it was because of my absent father but I think I’ve kind of come to terms with that now. What I miss now, is what I suspect I’ve been missing all along – mom.It breaks my heart to say this, but I guess I need to let it out, face the facts, acknowledge what I never had… So one day I might move on. For now I am still half numb, not wanting to admit it, ashamed for not being a better daughter so my mom could love me, ashamed for not saving her, ashamed for leaving her, just so ashamed, and very sad.

So I’ve been trying to take better care of myself lately. I don’t really know what sparked it, but self-care has always been a weakness of mine and therefore also one of my main areas of development. See, I’ve realised now that, sure when I was small not taking care of myself was a way for me not to draw attention to myself, a way of avoiding danger. It is a habit that helped me back then, but is hurting me right now and for most of my adult life.

I remember when I first started therapy… I wasn’t accustomed, or I guess I didn’t know I was allowed, to even go to the store to get food for myself. I will never forget the first time I got into the car with the sole intention of buying myself something to eat at the local spar. It was sushi. When I got home my husband told me he was proud of me. I didn’t understand why. In that moment I didn’t comprehend that something in my brain was changing, shifting, realising, becoming. Today I still don’t like to do things for myself. I don’t shop, washing, cleaning and organising are things still associated with my traumatic past. When you’re in survival mode every day you don’t think of spending time on organising personal belongings – you don’t know if they’ll still be there tomorrow. When you’re living in a prison cleaning doesn’t seem like a worthwhile activity… I’ve had to slowly start working on realising that I’m not living in a prison anymore. I’m living in a house, a house that is mine, a house that I can dream about because it will still be my home tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.. I have the responsibility to take pleasure in taking care of it as time spent on improving my living conditions is time spent well. It’s a new realisation for me, but one that I am enjoying exploring.

As part of this journey I am reading, or rather listening to the voice of Abigail from the google Chrome extension “Read out loud”, the book “Healing your emotional self” by Beverly Engel. I hope this book brings me some more wisdom, closure and welcome positive change. I am blossoming ☺.

https://wp.me/p3Ca1O-9Ob

Wow this weekend was one to remember for the all the weirdest reasons… I am baffled at how much people around me can change based on me changing. It’s like a ripple effect. It’s insane. My relationship with my husband continues to improve as we develop a deeper relationship . My partners are running the business like pro’s. I have a relationship with my parents and I actually enjoy talking to them (something that I thought would never happen). I tried everything before. I though I just couldn’t work with people. I thought the world just is unyielding and unfair. My husband just isn’t someone I would ever connect with. To be honest I didn’t know what connection was until now pretty much. Now that I know the power of it I cannot imagine navigating this world of relationships without it. It would be like learning to drive without having glasses on whilst having poor eyesight (something I’ve also done in my life).

And I stumbled upon this amazing thing by chance. I was listening to motivational speech on YouTube whilst working and the guy said something about influence and leadership. And for some reason this grabbed me. I didn’t really believe it but I thought I would try it. I came home that day and instead of letting my husband follow his own head (as he usually does) I explained to him calmly and with compassion what should happen. It didn’t change the world but I ended up reading a book called boundaries, starting this blog, taking emotional wellness seriously and just re-evaluating some truths I believed about life. Turns out one of them (the relationship stuff is nice to have, the work stuff is a must therefore always prioritise work over all else and if your unhappy suck it up) wasn’t true. In fact reality couldn’t be further from the truth. By denying yourself connection you are protecting yourself, but also cutting off your only real way of making a difference in this world. The world doesn’t make sense without acknowledging the role of relationship in it. It’s like driving without glasses…

Also I organised our bedroom and storage room this weekend (something I never do). I just suddenly had the urge to organise. And I completed the last module of my book for the online course gig. It’s about accounting. Also, I voiced my concerns with world to my husband and it made me feel better. I’m still anxious about work though but I guess that’s normal. Also, I discovered some leftover sleeping pills whilst organising the storage room so that’s where I’m heading now. Dreamland, blissful Dreamland until tomorrow…

As far as books go this one is breathtakingly life changing. It came into my life by accident. I found it online after a horrible episode in my life. I was definitely at a low point in life and not understanding how or why I got there… Also I couldn’t afford more therapy and my support network is, well, what you’d expect from a borderline PTSD afflicted person – flimsy, although improving. So I found this book in my search for bettering myself and I started reading it. And it just made so much sense. A lot of the posts since I started this blog are about what I’ve learnt or applied from the book. I am glad to say that I think it has helped me to grow into a more rounded me. I’m obviously not perfect (yet), but I just wanted to take this and dedicate this post to saying thank you for this book and the compassionate advice provided in it. It has helped me to start taking some of the necessary steps towards healing my soul. So thank you 🙏💕. And God bless.

Here they are.. The first 19 pieces of wisdom collected from all over WordPress. For all of us to keep and cherish forever. If knowledge is power them wisdom is a war skill. This battle is far from won, but it’s not over until it’s done. It’s only done when one gives up. And I have so much hope. I will never surrender. Bring it on because I’m bringing tenacity back. Humble beginnings, big ☺️✨dreams.https://hopewhispers.video.blog/wall-of-wisdom/

https://wp.me/p60CWt-1mWW

https://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2013/04/01/10-signs-youre-burning-out-and-what-to-do-about-it/