Relationships confuse the shit out of me. I mean… Emotions, feelings and thoughts are already a bit higher grade for me… But now to have to consider someone else’s “things” and to be able to understand and respond to these things is just… I am 100 percent honest when I say I am not sure if I will ever be able to do that. I watched Scorpion today on Netflix. Apparently it’s normal for people with a high IQ to struggle with.. . Well, everything else… I’m not sure what my IQ is but I know I am considered above average intelligent… So yeah, let’s just go with that… So anyway, one amazing thing is that my husband is back in therapy (I might have mentioned this before) and he has agreed to have a “date” with me 2morrow for 60 seconds during which we will just practice our communication skills… I am very happy and also terrified. Please if anyone has tips on relationships, emotions, communication, relationships etc… Do share. I can use all of them.

I think I might be starting to enjoy loadshedding… At least a bit. 😂 what a randomn thought that I never thought I’d say… I’ve been making it as comfy as possible for myself… With downloads of asmr and powernap videos.. And giving myself permission to use this time for either powernapping, coloring or working in the garden.. All of which I enjoy and appreciate myself for… I guess something I could take from that is that I have the power to make even one of the most uncomfortable negative situations into a positive or at least bearable situation. Wow that’s actually powerful.

I wanted to apologize for the randomn thoughtfulness, but why would I do that? Surely this is more interesting than reading about my latest emotional breakdown? Definitely more uplifting. I guess I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. And for a change I am actually finding answers not just questions. It really feels like I’m progressing. Which is amazing. I am so happy. It’s like finally… All those hours at the new therapist must actually be worth it… Lol. If she was here she would tell me that it’s not her it’s me. I don’t know why it’s so scary impossible for me to believe that.

Totally unrelated thought… I’m not even sure why I have this blog. I mean I know I enjoy writing about my feelings and experiences anonymously, without holding back or checking or pressuring myself you know just being me… But why can’t I do that in a journal? There is something powerful about knowing that somewhere someway someone in this world might read this… And… That’s as much as I know. I’m not sure why that is important to me, but it is. I don’t know, if you are reading this maybe help me with this? Or can you relate? I mean it is highly unlikely that I’ll ever make any money from this blog. It’s not focused, it’s not niche, it’s not written for anyone or about anyone but myself, all the PR in my real life is attached to my name in real life, but I am more me “here” than anywhere else. I don’t have that many interesting things to say… Honestly I don’t know why people would even read this… So I don’t think I’m looking for friendship… Or maybe I’m just scared of admitting it. I do know that the comments I have gotten so far from the community, hasn’t been much, and usually only from bloggers that I chose to follow first… And yet, they have meant the world to me. I guess, perhaps it makes me feel like exist… Like I do have a voice, like I am a person… Not a good one or a bad one, just a person. And I’m allowed to have thoughts and feelings of my own that I’m allowed to ramble on about on this blog. I’m allowed to put them out there for random people to read and I’m allowed to talk to them about it. Maybe that is it. Whatever it is, I am thankful. I am thankful that I can “talk” to you, whoever you are today. A thanks. 💜❤️💖💓 I think I love you. And on that note.. 😘😴Goodnight

So today I felt something I thought I didn’t have anymore… Respect for myself. It was this weird feeling of being good enough, at least for the moment, of being… On my own side. Okay with being me and looking after myself. It was really strange. I vaguely remember feeling like this way back when I was around 12/13 maybe 15 or 16 years old. I used to think that everything was going to be okay as long as I was me… Coz I might me small, and not that pretty, shy, silent and not that witty, with mouse brown hair and a stomach that isn’t close to flat, but… I still was good enough to at least have my back. I don’t know the exact moment when I lost this, but it must’ve been somewhere between sleeping around, letting men touch me wherever, whenever they wanted and dropping a few handful of pills down the hatch. I used to purposefully pull out and break my hair because it was too pretty, too perfect, when I was a complete, broken, mess inside… All I wanted was for the people around me to see me cry. I wanted to show them my scars, force them to touch them and while they did I would yell at them, scream at the top of my lungs – look at what YOU did to me! Look at what you’ve done to me! Look at what you’re doing. Stop it. Stop it. Why can’t you just love me? But I never did. Instead I carried my pretty that wasn’t pretty enough face around and acted the dutiful daughter. I would comfort my mom, look after my brother, make sure my dad didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else when he was blackout drunk… And I… Just kept going. Because that is what dutiful wannabee beautiful daughters do.

Today I touched the stretchmarks on my thighs. I looked at the red welts on my very white skin and I felt nothing but compassion… For myself… For what I’ve been through. . For what I couldn’t be and shouldn’t have been… For the days that I forced myself to cope and the days to come where I’ll still be the slightly weird, sweet, ridiculous strongest person in the room… And it felt good. Damn good.

I can’t promise you

What I can’t get

I can’t give you

What I don’t have.

I wish I could, but I can’t.

Only our breathe against

The mirrored showers

Remembers the touch, the loving,

That went on there for hours…

So its been an interesting week of up and down… Up and down… So many things have happened. My anxiety is at an all time high. Strange that my anxiety is now more present than it was before me and my husband reconciled… It’s like I sometimes have delayed reactions to life and its happenings. Does anyone else ever get that?

I’ve had some interesting realisations this week:

1. It really is extremely unkind to enable someone to be a worse form of themselves. No wonder this is classified as abuse!

2. If I was brutally honest with myself there is a possibility that I enable a worse form of my husband because if he was his best or even just better… Where would that leave me? Would I even be good enough?

3. All these issues that I have with him not fulfilling my unmet needs, like taking me out to go do things I like… Are not really his problems… Their mine… I am not taking care of me. I am not allowing myself any fun or life… I am holding me back… Not him.

I told him during our fight if he would leave I would literally just be able to be happy. I don’t think that is true. If that were true and I was actually carrying my own load… I would be happy now already. No one else can make you not be happy. It’s just you.

It’s a really strange thing to realise though… All this time this child inside of me has been screaming.. Let me out, let me be, let me have fun. I just want to live! And I thought it was my husband telling her no, when actually… It was me.

Scary sht! What am I even supposed to do now? Now that I’ve figured it out? Say sorry? How do I even begin… Just start going out more? I don’t even know what I want. What do I want? And who is to say it’s the right thing for me?

I’m hesitant, I’m shy in front of myself, like a schoolgirl… Naked. I’m sorry… I didn’t realise. .. Now shall we make some plans to go do something fun? Would you like to meet new potential friends? Get out? Be happy? Let’s, slowly, hold our breaths and try… It’s all we can do little me… Try…

It’s been a really rough week. Since my husband confessed that he’d consciously made the decision to stop having sex with me about 3 months ago, my mind has been a whirlwind of hurt, pain, impulsivity and disaster. Embrace the suck…

Omw what a week! Straight out of hell if you ask me! So first off… I had what must be the most embarrassing humiliating experience of my life when I pooped myself on my way to a radio interview that we were SO excited to get! Then… I figured out just how difficult life was when my emotions are low AND my husband is emotionally nonexistent. I was so low and emotionally abandoned that I realised… I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THIS. It’s fine and “well” (and I guess I mean barely tolerable) when things in my life are going my way to ALWAYS be spending my energy on trying to make him feel better and trying to earn his attention… But when things are not going my way and he is still not there… That to me is (apparently according to the emotional response I had) unacceptable. I always thought I would kill myself when he left me. That was legit my plan. But this week I did the unthinkable and felt the unfathomable… And I told that I love him more than anything in the world, but I can’t stay if this is the way it’s going to be… I gave him 3 months. A whole lot of crying and breakdowns and tantrums on both sides later… He went back to therapy today and he is working at going back2basics… Eat, sleep, exercise, routine… Im just thankful that something is moving in the right direction. After all I don’t want to leave. I’m just so emotionally empty that I won’t have a choice if he continues down the rabithole… It would be drown or swim… Away… And apparently somewhere on my unbalanced path I’ve found some balls and self love, enough to say… Well if those are my two options I accept them and I’m swimming… So I guess to sum up… It’s been a pretty shitty 💩💩💩week, but I’m swimming. And if I wasn’t trying to laugh I’d be crying. At least I’m trying.

I get it

My emotions are not your problem

And your problems

I can’t solve them

You won’t let me

And you won’t leave me

In any other way

Than emotionally

You don’t need me

I don’t remember when last you held me

Told me anything about you

Or me

Do you remember how it used to be?

I lost you

And I love you

We’re still married,

But only in name

Your as cold as ice my love

And there’s nothing I can do to bring you back to life.

I can’t have a relationship with a rock

Your God, my God?

Has only taken you from me

And I’m left behind

Alone in the dark

Alone in the mirror

Alone always alone

I drown in a river of what could be

What should be

Won’t be

Ever since

You gave up on me

It’s the 20th December. Almost Christmas. I have a few good books in my possession. I saw roses today in our local rose garden. They were bright and beautiful and the sun was shining. I’m not happy with my weigh but I also walked around a local nursery that I haven’t been to in a while. I have plans, a future, a husband. The storms may hit again tomorrow but for now I am on leave for the first time in 3 years and it feels great.

I would love to write a book one day. I would love to be locked on a room with just the primary colours and a blank canvas. I would love to bleed my sou onto canvas, to start again, to begin, to end, to try. I would love to remember what it feels like to not be afraid anymore. I would love to start a blog that people read. I would love toake money online. I would love it if money wasn’t an option. Most of all I love to love him. I love him dearly, with all my heart. The best place in the world is in his arms, listening to his beating heart, cradled under his arm, listening, watching, but knowing I AM SAFE. I AM Cherished. I am loved. It’s an instant whisper of hope 8nto the withered forest that has become my heart. It’s me it’s love its freedom. And there is no would or should in it.

I am proud to say that I have found a man, I have found a love, that is bigger than the me I was yesterday, the me I am supposed to become and the me that I am struggling to be. I have found a good man. And I have loved and continue to love him well.