I can’t believe I fell for it again. Oh my goodness I am speechless and intensely frustrated and disappointed in myself. When will I learn? Because of my business I see an average of 5 new people per week. These people have usually found me on LinkedIn, google or have been referred through word of mouth. They request meetings and I meet with them in order to hear all about their problems so I can tell them how to make it go away. Whether they hire my firm to help them with making the problem go away is up to them, but most of them end up hiring us because of the trust and respect built in the first meeting. So this is how I found this guy that wanted to talk to me about a “business opportunity”. An hour later I end up signing up for Amway’s network marketing scheme. I told him I would only “try” it if he was willing to help me with my business in return. He agreed quite quickly, buy when asked he said it was because he had nothing to lose by agreeing. In hind sight I should’ve let him do some of his work first. Signs of good faith are lost on the faithless so it would’ve been a good test. And I would’ve nothing to lose…

Anyway so at the second meeting I gave him some leads, made notes as he spoke, received my box with hopelessly overpriced product, found out more about all the different stupid meetings he expected me to attend and then… When he pressed me for a time and date that we could have a product launch at my house I said that I would give it, but only after he had signed up 10 students for my online accounting course… This was when the surprise happened. He looked away, but I think he was trying to cover up anger or something similar, he attacked my business model, said that “let’s not make the two conditional” and said my first trainee might not have left if there were some incentives for passive income in my business model. I said I would think about the time and the date. But after coming home I felt very moody, unhappy, frustrated and I didn’t really know why… Until I though about it some more because I had to… It was affecting my ability to interact with my husband. This is when I realized I felt tricked, unhappy, upset, disappointed, disgusted, shamed, let down mostly by this person but also by myself.. It was a familiar feeling which is why there was so much of it. I realized the person showed his true colors only to me on the second meeting. I really believed he had integrity and a genuine interest in my business as well as a willingness to help out… But I was wrong… Again. I fell for another person that just wants to use and manipulate and abuse me… Again. Why is it so natural to me? Anyway, at least, and I guess I am proud of myself for this, as soon as I realized this and radically accepted the reality of the situation (even though I wanted to keep believing that my first impression was correct and valid and that there was some merit in what I had done) I texted him to let him know this thing is just not going to work for me as I don’t have the energy to invest in two businesses right now. I didn’t hear anything back although I did see that he read the message. I guess this morning now I still feel shamed, shameful, embarrassed, but after having written this I am proud of myself for radically accepting the new facts and getting rid of the person. I wouldn’t have done this before. I would’ve perhaps made excuses not to see him or just kept of paying the monthly fee pretending that it doesn’t matter to me whilst at the back of my mind the shameful secret would be calling me, mocking me everyday every hour… Until… I didn’t go down that road this time. My behavior is different, consciously changed, and I took the time to write down and understand what happened so hopefully this is how learning happens… Yes, they fooled me twice, and a million times before that, but this time, perhaps I’ve learnt enough to not fall for it again next time… Let’s see. I am slightly cautiously optimistic. 😊

She was not the type of girl destined to end up in a place like this. She got out of the Uber with a tiny but determined sigh. She was tired. It was written on her face. And yet she looked immaculate, not fancy, but in her fitted black dress and with her tinted smart glasses, minimal make-up and no fuss hairstyle she looked like she was heading for the boardroom, not… Her thoughts spiraled down the abyss in her mind. You can do this. You have to do this. You don’t have a choice. You’ve survived worse before you can do this as well. Just get through it. She looked up at the groom white grey building. The sky was an weary light blue, like there wasn’t enough blue go around but someone used it to paint the sky anyway. The large red suitcase that the Uber driver took out of the boot for her was the only hint that she wasn’t heading towards a board meeting.

I guess I will never forget that day.

It was a sad day but also a new one. See, I wasn’t destined to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I wasn’t raised that way. I was bred and raised to last, to shoulder all the pain of my childhood home, to achieve, to hide my feelings because they were invalid and untrue anyway, to be strong, to be someone, to be something that my parents would be proud of… And this… They would not be proud of this… They did not even know about this… And wasn’t planning on telling them.. Ever.

She reached for the suitcase, thanked the driver, smiled a half hearted but genuine smile and proceeded towards the large glass door with the black picket fence. At the door a security guard stood silently with a blank looking piece of paper on the table next to him that she guessed he was using as a logbook. She walked up to him. “I am here to check in”. He instructed her to write down her details before issuing her a tag with access to the building. He nodded towards the door and opened it for her. She felt like Alice walking through the looking glass. What horrors awaited her on the other side she did not know. She was a rush job. Her therapist had urged her to see the admitting psychiatrist th3 day before. A brand new person that had told her the only option for her was admission and as soon as possible. She had managed to arrange for leave from work. She was doing something she never did… Taking off from work for herself. Because she could not function as herself any longer. Not in this horrendous world in which she lived anyway…

So it’s been about 3 weeks since I decided that I should journal everyday. . . Blank space. Crickets. Exactly. That is pretty much where it stopped. I could say that I’ve been super busy and I’ve been keeping up with some of the other tasks on my list but the truth is… What is the truth? I’ve been catching myself thinking that I really should do some journalling… So the internal reminder is there. But everytime I think about it I have this profound sense of being very uncomfortable, maybe even anxious, like I know I should block the thought because… Bad things happen when I take care of myself. I’ve stuck with some of the other positive habits.. I’m gardening often-ish, I’m cleaning, uncluttering and listing things for sale everyday… That works. That comes ‘naturally’. I’ve actively avoided exercise, journalling, giving credit to myself, affirming myself, giving small yet meaningful gifts to my husband and I’m now at a point where even spending time with my husband is becoming ‘difficult’… Because I’m so unhappy? I feel forgotten, left on the side of the road, kicked to the curb. Do you get what I’m saying? God, it’s worse than I thought. How deep does this brainwashing go? Mom and dad, what have you done to me?

So today I woke up, exercised, planned my day, had a protein shake for breakfast, knocked some tasks off my to-do list, listed more than one item for sale on Facebook, shared my uncluttering progress with my Facebook group, spent atleast 30 minutes quality time with my husband and I still have enough energy left to journal about all of it… I reached all my goals for the day… And I’m almost sure it has at least something to do with that weird I like myself game I played last night… Who knew making him worship you is all about working on your self? It is such a weird concept for me… So the more I take care of myself the more I am capable of taking care of others?! Growing up taking care of yourself was almost like a mortal sin… Or something you only did when it was sure to benefit someone or something other than yourself… As I’m writing this I can feel the anger rising up in me. How many lies have I been told? How many lies have shaped the reality I currently live in? I wasn’t aware that I was angry about this or in fact that this is so wrong to do to any human, never mind a child?! until I wrote it…

I would like to write and publish a book. I think it will be called “trauma”.well, to be fair… I have already written most of it… See today I found one of my old journals from when I was growing up… 2010-ish… That wasn’t a good time for me. I can see it, almost feel it by just touching the words spilled on the pages. They are filled with dwindling hope, crashing desires, unrelenting pain, suffocating emotion and explicit cries for help. I wrote that just before my first and only suicide attempt. With “just before” mean in build up years before the big crises that finally broke me… I took a while to break, but when it finally happened… I swear I could feel my brain fry inside my head. The “glitching” feeling of dissociation, not being able to speak, to be physically present, never mind emotionally… It’s the speaking part that still gets me. It makes me so mad when I realize now how many times my voice was denied. How many cries for help was ignored. How many people rather turned the other way or took advantage of my vulnerable and desperate state. It still kills me. Everyday.

Anyway, I just felt today, when I put down the old journal… I should publish this sh*t. See, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not the helpless teenager with the clipped wings and broken toes surviving off of the crumbs of life…

I’m fairly successful, fairly accomplished, fairly mentally healthy, as stable as one could expect someone like me to be.. A chartered accountant, a business founder and owner, a married woman. I’ve escaped my childhood “home” and I now live in a real one – a home, 5km from the beach. Not too shabby of I do say so myself… Especially when you take into account that I was never supposed to have any of those things.. I have fought tooth and nail for every single one.

I just think she deserves to be heard you know – finally – that girl that died in that suicide attempt.. She needs to know that she deserves to be listened to, that it’s not her fault, that there’s nothing wrong with her. She wasn’t born broken. She was born beautifully. She was beautifully broken by terrible people who were horribly broken and all of that is not her fault. So she can stop wondering, searching and start knowing… You know…

I won’t publish it with my real name although I’ve considered it… Too many people will be pissed off or hurt. Although at this point I don’t really give too many fucks… Not all people, I fact all people are bad and good not either or..

Tomorrow I going to get up, exercise, have a protein shake for breakfast, post at least one item on Facebook, knock 3 priority tasks off my to-do list, do yoga, journal and go to sleep happy.. Who knows I might even read more of the make him worship you course since it seems to be working so well… On me… Husband still looks pretty much unchanged, but I am better and that makes me better able to offer… More…

So apparently tomorrow I am going to wake up, exercise, plan my day, have protein shake for breakfast, knock some tasks off my to-do list, list atleast one item for sale on Facebook, share my uncluttering progress with my Facebook group, spend atleast 30 minutes quality time with my husband and still have enough energy left to journal about all of it… Yay me…. Lol. No wonder I’m exhausted at the end of each week…

I like Ariel Hopewhispers, I really do…

Ariel has a kindness in her that can change the world. The best thing about her is that, no matter what she goes through and she has been through a lot!, she has never stopped believing that she can change the world..

Ariel has pretty eyes with long lashes. Those eyes are sexy, cat-like and her husband’s favourite thing about her…

Ariel hair is the prettiest colour. It has natural highlights and low lights and frames her face in soft curls.

Ariel has an unwavering, unbreakable spirit. I respect her for it. Many people have attempted to break it, but by a sheer force of will, she’s never let them. It makes me think that she is unbreakable – like the warrior princesses she idolizes.

Ariel is incredibly intelligent. She can figure things out that mere mortals never would.

Ariel is creative beyond words. Her creativity and zest for life is inspiring.

I wonder if Walt Disney was perhaps a little bit borderline, because heaven knows I can dream up amazing things and MAKE them happen. I have the shear power through determination and positivity to do a lot of good in those world and the intellect to build profitable businesses from nothing. At the same time, when it comes to managing relationships with people, no one has ever been this clueless. It’s like splitting is hardwired into my brain. I get close to people, I’m the kindest, nicest person in the world… But then they do something horrendous and I can’t run away fast enough. It’s like it a hardwired into my brain.. Its not like I consciously treat them like they’re the best thing on this planet one moment and then the worst a second later. It’s that they hurt me and then I am scared shitless and will do anything to eliminate the immediate threat to my life… Like with my one business partner… We were very close for about a month, working together really well all day. Constant praise and motivation was a thing all day everyday. But then she did the unthinkable she manipulated company money out of me for her own personal gain not once, but twice. I tried to say no, in fact I did but she wouldn’t hear of it. The 2nd time was whilst I was feeling suicidal because of fearing for my husband’s life (I know I’m too much, over dramatic, over the top, over sensitive, I’ve hear it all. You confirming this won’t change me unfortunately.) and this just caused me to snap. Within minutes she changed from a supportive mother figure (that I never had because the person I had as a mother can’t be called mother) to the most evil, while, manipulative monster of a person on this planet. Have you ever cuddled a cute puppy and then woken up only to realise it wasn’t a puppy, its a black widow spider and it’s still there and it’s not going away? Me either, but imagine that that is the case. How do you feel? That is how I feel when “splitting” happens to me.

“Walt Disney filed bankruptcy 7 times and had 2 nervous breakdowns” Les Brown

Since I voluntarily committed myself to a psych hospital and started my journey with anti-depressants and a really great therapist I have forgotten what it is like to disassociate… That is until about two days ago. Two days ago my husband left 3 cigarettes by my desk and kissed me goodbye to go grocery shopping. About 3 hours later he still hadn’t returned and wasn’t answering his cellphone. After struggling for an hour I found out he was at the local pub. This would not be that much of a problem, if he wasn’t sick with pneumonia! And a smoker! I finally managed to speak to him when the friend told him to turn on his phone, but by that time I was so livid I completely lost it. All I could think was “he is going to die and leave me completely alone in this world”. Words cannot describe what a horrible feeling it was to have. One of this nasty feelings that digs it’s cold fingers into your heart, squeezes your lungs till you can’t breath and chills your bones like it’s the middle of the coldest winter, while it turns your brain into mush, turning time back into childhood when you were helpless, hopeless and nothing. Ugh, what a disgusting feeling. Anyway. After shouting at hubby over the phone I started sending him threats over WhatsApp (things like if you’re not home within the next 10 minutes I will walk to the ocean and kill myself), then I embraced my reckless side and decided to go for a walk. I walked for about 10 minutes, just listening to my own tragic heartbeat and mulling over my latest crises in my head, before I stopped, checked that he hadn’t read the messages yet, and promptly deleted all of them. My mind wasn’t made up as to whether or not I was really going to drown myself, but I thought it was definitely a possibility, but why should I tell him that? Nothing made sense at that moment and yet everything did… I absent mindedly considered whether it would be easier to just step in front of a truck. I wasn’t sure if I would be successful. What if I just ended up in hospital? No, thank you. When I decide to go it has to be permanent, 100% successful the first time, like everything else I do in my life, well, with the exception of relationships, I am not good at relationships. People scare me. I ended up walking halfway to the beach and back and sitting down beside a welcome sign outside the closed gate of the Vlei. I had picked a flower on the way which I was now twirling round in my hands, inspecting, trying to focus, but not focusing at all, crying but not too much, else I draw too much attention to myself. I was a wreck. It was at that moment I recognized the strange sensation of somehow not existing inside of myself. The slightly dizzying, slightly nauseating, slightly thrilling (for lack of a better word, perhaps hysteria?) sensations of disassociation was strangely familiar to my emotionally fogged up brain. This is when I recognised what was happening. Realisation only came much later once I had made it home, shouted at the top of my lungs,threatened, raged, manipulated, reconciled with my husband, blackmailed my husband into committing to go to therapy for the first time in his life (but long overdue if you ask me!) cried my heart out like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum and made absolutely certain that hubby wasn’t dying or going anywhere anytime soon (not necessarily in that order).

The storm is passed now, but I find myself wondering inevitably… for how long? And what about the stuff I’ve lost I the process? In essence I lost a year of being ‘clean’ of this type of behaviour, ‘clean’ relationships with my business partners, my temper and the certainty I had ‘at least for a while’ that I was ‘stable’ ‘cured’. I guess at the back of my mind I’m wondering what ‘balanced’ part of my life will come down tumbling next? And how long until the next storm?

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“Even when I feel nothing I feel it totally and intensely”