It’s a little bit funny…

This feeling inside.

When all I want to do is get out there

and at the same time hide.

You can tell everybody

that this is a show,

but somewhere inside you…

reality grows.

This hide and seek life continually loops

and I’m the girl in the spotlight, by the lamppost

in the corner of the room.

I watch porn because it makes me feel dead inside,

Is that to honest? Possibly.

But now that it’s out at least

it’s out there anonymously.

Sometimes I feel I’ll never ‘get’ myself, but then again – no,

If this is who I am then I deserve to know.

It’s been a long time avoiding,

so much shame so much guilt,

so mixed up in worlds

filled with hurt to the hilt.

And you can tell everybody,

That now you know me,

The truth will be very simply

You can’t know what you can’t see.

It’s really nice to work with people who aren’t out to beat you up, manipulate and extract your sole from you everyday. It’s good to call the shots. It’s also good to work in a team. If its the right team these two aren’t mutually exclusive. I think after each nightmare I face I emerge stronger, better, knowing more clearly what I am here for and what I am not.I have a purpose now and it is to love and to live, to give love and receive love, work hard, but smart, enjoy life and see to it that others do the same. Thank you God for all my blessings and for carrying me through my latest crises. Thanks for all the people in my life and for healing me slowly. You have given me back parts of my soul I didn’t think I would ever get back and for that I am truly grateful. Amen.

I guess what I have to do is realize that… I went through a lot lately. Emotional abuse is not “nothing”. It’s not something to just get over with. It doesn’t mean I’m weak. Just for having survived this far I should get a medal… Now I only have to believe it… #heartbroken #identity-less #borderline #brave #iamvalid #myfeelingsarevalid

I do feel a little bit sad I guess… Why am I so afraid to admit it? Perhaps it’s the purity of my fear. Perhaps I still see myself as prey and there is nothing narcissists like more than wounded prey. The minute you admit your weakness they will pounce, go in for the kill shot. At least if you put up a mask, pretend you can walk whilst your feet are actually broken you have a chance at survival… It won’t be life, but it will be life… If you know what I mean.

If I’m completely honest I’m feeling lonely, hopeless, overwhelmed, trapped, cornered, angry, fearful, anxious and nauseated by the evil I’ve once again discovered.

I once told a friend that I’m like one of those birds that miners would take with them to test for lethal gas or something. If narcissists come in contact with me I get sick. I’m a sick bird right now…

My only question is…for how long? And where do I find the empathy for myself to help myself through this?

Do you ever feel just like super messed up for “no reason”? That is how I am feeling today. I thought I didn’t know why but as I’m writing this I think I’m starting to understand a bit more…

I think my inner parent is yelling at me because once again I wasn’t good enough/ strong enough/ person enough to keep a job… Well done me, you screwed up again (sarcastic voice). Now you have to be punished. Now you get to lose things were it hurts… “

https://optimumtalent.com/youll-never-survive-working-narcissistic-leader-heres/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2018/01/18/how-to-handle-a-narcissist-boss-according-to-a-psychotherapist/

So these past few months I’ve been working full time at another audit firm, whilst still running & working in my own small start-up audit firm. I was doing this just to get more experience, as I am a bit young although I know and can do a lot (you know self-doubt is a bitch…).

Anyway the boss of this place was the nicest person in the world to me (at first and to my face). I guess because they need good people desperately. But over the last year I’ve slowly started to see the other sides of him (mostly through other people, but sometimes in his own eyes too).

When I finally worked up the courage to have the boundary conversation with him about his practice manager employing her narcissistic tactics on me… (Like switching the files I need to work from when I’m not looking, shaming me in front of my colleagues, not properly managing/ directing workflow and then blaming all her shortcomings on me, telling colleagues I made friends with how stupid I am, the list really goes on…and on….) he didn’t blink. He listened. He convinced me that I must stay and keep working while he figures this out. He looked at me with some face that resembled empathy, but he wasn’t surprised (by her behaviour). I only figured this out later, but he wasn’t surprised. There was no shock, no disgust, no anger (at her or me). That was how I realized.. beyond any reasonable doubt… that we were just pawns to him. Nothing more nothing less.

He proceeded to instruct me on how to lie to and manipulate the practice manager. I wasn’t allowed to tell her that I had spoken to him and I had to manipulate her into helping me handover my work so I could go on unpaid leave (only after my 2nd attempt he agreed to let me “take a break” by going on unpaid leave until he returned from Ireland).

I was raised my narcissists. Since I’ve been born I’ve had to fight to not turn into them. I wasn’t gonna start now. So I went to the practice manager and told her I was there because I had to have a conversation with her so I can go on unpaid leave and that I wasn’t allowed to tell her about my conversation with the boss. It was awkward, but it was honest.

Anyway, long story short for the next few weeks I am working fully in my own firm (my people assured me they have my back) to try and push enough work out so I can get a salary that I can live on by the end of the month…

The boss will call me when he is back and ready with a ‘solution that works for both parties.’ I am not sure how I am going to respond to this ‘solution’ but I will have my guard up and will ask for as much advice as possible before I make a decision. Honestly, as a person I would love to just disappear, and let him ‘go to hell’, but as a business woman and the face of my own audit firm, as the leader of my organization that would be dangerous. I have to somehow work out a way to keep the door open but at the same time shut it quietly but firmly behind me. At the same time I need to pull off another magic trick in order to make sure we have enough money coming in for me and hubby and the business and the business partners to survive. It’s a tall order, but someone has to do it… I’ve started a business from scratch before, escaped the hell I was born into and raised in, and kept my husband and me alive starting with no clients and building up to 80 satisfied and happy clients that I kept happy all by myself…. Yes I have failed in a lot of ways too, but now is the time for focusing on the good I’ve done so I can have the confidence, hope and belief to go on…. So its a tall order but someone has to do it.. and it might as well be me…

I figured out what is making me sick. Over the past 3 months I blogged about sudden anxiety, low self-esteem & uncertainty (self-doubt). Before I had felt confident enough to stop my medication, but now I all of a sudden had out of control anxiety (again), and I didn’t understand why.

It’s because I’m dealing with a narcissist manager at work. I knew she was a bitch. I watched myself lose all respect for and trust in her. My subconscious labeled her childish, stupid and a threat, but I didn’t realise until it was too late what I was dealing with. Only yesterday when a file magically disappeared and then reappeared and I found myself questioning my sanity, I suddenly recognised a behavioural tactic – gaslighting. I mean I knew she was childish and emotional but now also willing to stoop to this level of psychological attack? No thank you.

I’m currently deciding how to act next but I can’t really see this ending with us parting ways amicably. I also can’t see myself willingly staying and subjecting myself to this abuse. I also can’t see the boss realising the validity of my plight and standing with me to resolve the issue.

I will keep you posted. I need you now more than ever.

There is something heartbreaking about seeing someone look at you through a shield of pain – seeing their blurry vision distort and change everything around them into monsters and ashes.

It’s amazing to me how much I still miss her – the mom I never had and never will have.I felt so much for her. I picked up her pain and carried it as my own. I would cross deserts for her, swim oceans for the hope… The hope that someday one day she would recognise me as a person, see me, touch me, hear me, talk to me. And we would do everything that I thought a mom a daughter should do.But I couldn’t save her. I have a mother. She is a woman and she is a stranger to me. We never shop together. We never have coffee. We never gossip or watch movies. Come to think of it – no wonder I was bad at all those things when I was young and had no friends… If my own mother couldn’t love me enough to do those things with me who could? I guess that is what I thought. That must be why I felt a inferior so utterly useless, rejected. I always though it was because of my absent father but I think I’ve kind of come to terms with that now. What I miss now, is what I suspect I’ve been missing all along – mom.It breaks my heart to say this, but I guess I need to let it out, face the facts, acknowledge what I never had… So one day I might move on. For now I am still half numb, not wanting to admit it, ashamed for not being a better daughter so my mom could love me, ashamed for not saving her, ashamed for leaving her, just so ashamed, and very sad.