So I’ve been trying to take better care of myself lately. I don’t really know what sparked it, but self-care has always been a weakness of mine and therefore also one of my main areas of development. See, I’ve realised now that, sure when I was small not taking care of myself was a way for me not to draw attention to myself, a way of avoiding danger. It is a habit that helped me back then, but is hurting me right now and for most of my adult life.

I remember when I first started therapy… I wasn’t accustomed, or I guess I didn’t know I was allowed, to even go to the store to get food for myself. I will never forget the first time I got into the car with the sole intention of buying myself something to eat at the local spar. It was sushi. When I got home my husband told me he was proud of me. I didn’t understand why. In that moment I didn’t comprehend that something in my brain was changing, shifting, realising, becoming. Today I still don’t like to do things for myself. I don’t shop, washing, cleaning and organising are things still associated with my traumatic past. When you’re in survival mode every day you don’t think of spending time on organising personal belongings – you don’t know if they’ll still be there tomorrow. When you’re living in a prison cleaning doesn’t seem like a worthwhile activity… I’ve had to slowly start working on realising that I’m not living in a prison anymore. I’m living in a house, a house that is mine, a house that I can dream about because it will still be my home tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.. I have the responsibility to take pleasure in taking care of it as time spent on improving my living conditions is time spent well. It’s a new realisation for me, but one that I am enjoying exploring.

As part of this journey I am reading, or rather listening to the voice of Abigail from the google Chrome extension “Read out loud”, the book “Healing your emotional self” by Beverly Engel. I hope this book brings me some more wisdom, closure and welcome positive change. I am blossoming ☺.

https://wp.me/p3Ca1O-9Ob

Wow this weekend was one to remember for the all the weirdest reasons… I am baffled at how much people around me can change based on me changing. It’s like a ripple effect. It’s insane. My relationship with my husband continues to improve as we develop a deeper relationship . My partners are running the business like pro’s. I have a relationship with my parents and I actually enjoy talking to them (something that I thought would never happen). I tried everything before. I though I just couldn’t work with people. I thought the world just is unyielding and unfair. My husband just isn’t someone I would ever connect with. To be honest I didn’t know what connection was until now pretty much. Now that I know the power of it I cannot imagine navigating this world of relationships without it. It would be like learning to drive without having glasses on whilst having poor eyesight (something I’ve also done in my life).

And I stumbled upon this amazing thing by chance. I was listening to motivational speech on YouTube whilst working and the guy said something about influence and leadership. And for some reason this grabbed me. I didn’t really believe it but I thought I would try it. I came home that day and instead of letting my husband follow his own head (as he usually does) I explained to him calmly and with compassion what should happen. It didn’t change the world but I ended up reading a book called boundaries, starting this blog, taking emotional wellness seriously and just re-evaluating some truths I believed about life. Turns out one of them (the relationship stuff is nice to have, the work stuff is a must therefore always prioritise work over all else and if your unhappy suck it up) wasn’t true. In fact reality couldn’t be further from the truth. By denying yourself connection you are protecting yourself, but also cutting off your only real way of making a difference in this world. The world doesn’t make sense without acknowledging the role of relationship in it. It’s like driving without glasses…

Also I organised our bedroom and storage room this weekend (something I never do). I just suddenly had the urge to organise. And I completed the last module of my book for the online course gig. It’s about accounting. Also, I voiced my concerns with world to my husband and it made me feel better. I’m still anxious about work though but I guess that’s normal. Also, I discovered some leftover sleeping pills whilst organising the storage room so that’s where I’m heading now. Dreamland, blissful Dreamland until tomorrow…

As far as books go this one is breathtakingly life changing. It came into my life by accident. I found it online after a horrible episode in my life. I was definitely at a low point in life and not understanding how or why I got there… Also I couldn’t afford more therapy and my support network is, well, what you’d expect from a borderline PTSD afflicted person – flimsy, although improving. So I found this book in my search for bettering myself and I started reading it. And it just made so much sense. A lot of the posts since I started this blog are about what I’ve learnt or applied from the book. I am glad to say that I think it has helped me to grow into a more rounded me. I’m obviously not perfect (yet), but I just wanted to take this and dedicate this post to saying thank you for this book and the compassionate advice provided in it. It has helped me to start taking some of the necessary steps towards healing my soul. So thank you 🙏💕. And God bless.

Here they are.. The first 19 pieces of wisdom collected from all over WordPress. For all of us to keep and cherish forever. If knowledge is power them wisdom is a war skill. This battle is far from won, but it’s not over until it’s done. It’s only done when one gives up. And I have so much hope. I will never surrender. Bring it on because I’m bringing tenacity back. Humble beginnings, big ☺️✨dreams.https://hopewhispers.video.blog/wall-of-wisdom/

https://wp.me/p60CWt-1mWW

https://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2013/04/01/10-signs-youre-burning-out-and-what-to-do-about-it/

My dad never hands out compliments, much less genuine heartfelt compliments. He is just as hard on everyone else as he is on himself. But today he told me that he thinks that I have the talent of making people feel safe, that is why I don’t struggle to get clients. I just talk to them, they get to know me and they sign up. They feel they can trust me. I make them feel safe.What makes it even more special is that he told me this whilst he was aware that I am not perfect. I had just lost a lot of money with recruiting the wrong people for the business and not managing them properly. I also got into trouble with our professional body for “unethical behaviour”. I marked tests for them and changed marks on the scripts without another marker present. I wasn’t aware that they had changed the rules from the previous year and I wasn’t allowed to do that. Anyway… Point is… Not perfect. Actually VERY ASHAMED.Bit he told me that he is proud of me for my tenacity, for persevering even when life “happens” to me. I told me I a fighter and it doesn’t matter how many times I fall down it matters to get up every time. And I’m doing that. It was just very good to hear. Perhaps the world isn’t pure black and white. Perhaps it’s a tolerable shade of grays.

If all progress takes place outside my comfort zone and

The heart of wisdom is tolerance.

If I am the only one that can give myself peace

And I am the one floundering in the middle

Gasping for air

Having a near death fish experience

Over and over again

Then

The secret of true happiness is letting every situation

Be what it is,

Instead of what I think it should be

And this secret is inside the circus

Inside of me.

Calm down. Or you’ll burn out. Like a flame that flickers, then blazes into light, puts up a fight, tries to swallow all the darkness in the world whole in one piece in a few seconds, before it flickers once more and then slowly dies. Calm down. Or you’ll burn out.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed. Very lonely. I’m not sure why. But once again I spent the whole day working, then trying to relax but failing to do so. I am exhausted now. Just falling into bed. Quickly trying to figure out my mind just before I drift off into a desperate and exhausted sleep.

The truth is every reality you perceive is your reality.

I think I discovered one of my thinking traps today. I tend to beat myself up, about small things. I think as a child I learned that if I can be good enough of an asshole to myself over small little things there is less of a chance that my parents would do the same. It’s kind of like if I keep doing my homework until I start crying they might give me some love some ‘you are okay’. I still catch myself sometimes to this day trying to prove to people that I’m good enough, beating myself up if I’m not. What I need to remember is that I am not responsible for other people’s emotions. I can’t hold myself responsible and judge myself according to how others respond around me. That will make me lose hope because that is truly out of my control.

It gets hard though. Especially when I earn smiles at work from the boss for a job well done. I find myself just naturally dropping my boundaries. Working until all hours because I think I’m on the right track. Losing sleep for fear of disappointing him. Dreading the day he looks at me with disappointed anger disgust. “You’re worthless”. I need to realise that he is not my dad and I have the power to love myself and if those words are coming my way in future they’ll be coming from myself not anyone else so I better watch it and remember that I am not my internal parent and I am worth loving and I am capable of loving myself. I decide when I’ve worked enough and I am not responsible for people’s emotions when they set unreasonable expectations for me that I fail to meet. How I deal with this is crucial. In my job, life, relationships, business….