I heard a knock upon my door the other day
I opened it to find death staring in my face
The feel of mortal stalking still reverberates
Everywhere I go I drag this coffin just in caseMy bodies tremblin’ sends shivers down my spine
Adrenaline kicks and shifts into overdrive,
Your secrets keep you sick your lies keep you alive
Snake eyes every single time you roll with crooked dice
I felt the darkness as it tried to pull me down
The kind of dark that haunts a hundred year old house
I wrestle with my thoughts I shook the hand of doubt
Running from my past I’m praying feet don’t fail me now!

I’ve lost my god damn mind,
It happens all the time,
I can’t believe I’m actually
Meant to be here,
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you
And I’m so high on misery
Can’t you see!I got these questions always running through my head
So many things that I would like to understand
If we are born to die and we all die to live
Then what’s the point of living life if it just contradicts?
I felt the darkness as it tried to pull me down
The kind of dark that haunts a hundred year old house
I wrestle with my thoughts I shook the hand of doubt
Running from my past I’m praying feet don’t fail me now!I’ve lost my god damn mind
It happens all the time
I can’t believe I’m actually
Meant to be here
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you
And I’m so high on misery
Can’t you see!I’ve lost
Myself
You tried to reach me but you just can’t help me
So long
Goodbye
You tried to save me it wont work this time!’Cause now
I’ve lost my fucking mind
And there’s no fucking time
I can’t believe I’m actually
Meant to be here
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you
And I’m so high on misery
Can’t you see?
Oh can’t you see?
Can’t you see?

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Michael Baskette / David Edgecombe Holdredge / Ronnie RadkeThe Drug in Me Is You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I’ve lost my fucking mind and there’s no fucking time… I can’t believe I’m actually meant to be here… I’m so scared of turning out just like you dad. You were the most beautiful person in the world – my superhero. And I watched you lose your soul. Slowly over time. You turned into…someone I hardly knew, making choices that the old you never would have…. And I swore… I swore I wouldn’t be like you…ever… I would never forget myself like that. I would remember, I would remember what is truely important in life.

All I wanted was a family, dad. But you left me alone on the battlefield, didn’t you dad? And you whatched me being raped over and over and over again. And when the battle was over no one came to help me… I got up by myself and walked out of there on my own….with nothing. Nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing!

And even now…the nothing stays…and every family I’ve ever longed for leaves me. And on top of that, my world is working out to look so very similar to yours. It’s scary. But I, I swear to God, I will not, will never, no matter what happens from here, lose my soul. I’d rather lose my fingers, my feet, my will to live, but not my soul. No never, because that – I’ve seen that is a fate worse than death.

I have to find a way though…to move on with my life… Tread lightly dear….

I’ll never forget this moment. If I had to describe it one word I would say that it was traumatising in itself. An example of another ‘insignificant’ moment that meant the world to me and will probably haunt me for a lifetime…

It was one, two or three weeks after I’d seen my new psychologist for the first time. The first session was bearable and the purpose for me seeing her was established – I was stuck in this small town, with no one to talk to, enemies all around me and I needed to work through my divorce… I told her one of my greatest fears, suddenly resurfased because of these God-awful circumstances, was the fear of ‘losing’ myself. I’m not sure if she got it, but I tried to explain to her… It would be as if I had never been…as if the past 10 years of my life hadn’t existed, as if I never had escaped my home, never survived in the real world, never committed myself, never got better…. Because those were all things that I ‘remembered emotionally’ as part of my attachment to my husband – who was currently leaving me.

I tried to communicate my fear, but I’m not sure if she saw the real terror in my eyes. I remember in that session I still had much of ‘me’ in me. I wasn’t yet completely sure who I was (far from it!) but I had seen and collected parts of myself…during these 10 years… and I had picked them all up….like pieces of beautiful broken shells…and I had kept them…and I had started to glue them back together…and I had started to like…perhaps even love…the broken image I was starting to see…but now…you see that image was attached to my husband who was now leaving. And it was as if I could FEEL the sand in my heart – on which the image was laid out – starting to slowly fall through the fingers of time…and it was a horrible feeling. I could feel the emptiness starting to creep back in – to take over and fill the space in my heart which had always before belonged completely to it. It was like having icy cold fingers inside of my heart. I don’t think anyone without BPD could actually ever understand the pure horridness of this feeling.

Anyway….so it was one, two or three weeks (and sessions) later when she looked me dead in the eyes all of a sudden during a ‘normal’ ‘conversation’ and asked me: “So who are you?”

I froze. I had nothing to say. I instantly snapped into feeling like an imposter. She was right. Who the hell was I? Who am I? I kept quiet, bound by a confusion of feelings that wrapped around my mouth like a chain. She asked, without any remorse, completely unaware(I think) of the pain she had just caused…”Is this a difficult question?” It would’ve been better if I could’ve related to the empathy that she had tried to express at this point but how can one ever really truely empathise if you haven’t felt what another has felt? I hung my head, spontaneously. “I don’t know” I mumbled. Instant Shame, even guilt perhaps. “Try… she said”.

“I am a successful business woman.” – I said what I wanted to be true, but I couldn’t remember if it was. “I am intelligent.” – I copied what my very first psychologist had made me remember – it was the one piece of my self that she confirmed, affirmed and gave to me to hold on forever as a present wrapped in golden unforgettable words. And then I kept quiet. I didn’t have anything else to say.

I always look for inspirational influences in my life. I never had an attachment to my parents so it’s like since I’ve been born into this world I’ve realised that it’s my job to look for “parents” – people I can learn from, learn with, be inspired by, be like…

Everyone at school always compared me to Ingrid Jonker, mainly because one of they only things they knew about me was that I was quiet, smart, a dancer, a writer and had curly hair… When I would ask who that is they would tell me…a very amazing inspiritational magical poet who walked into the Ocean when she was 31 and never came back.

Interesting. I mean. Sure. When you’re 8 this is a confusing thing to hear. When you’re 10 it’s still confusing. When you’re 16 and heartbroken you start to think about it and some of it starts to make sense. When you’re 30 and heartbroken you start to want to find out more.

So I was surprised, but also not surprised at all when I found the copy of the article in my bedroom this morning. And I found out by reading this article that the reason why she, most likely (I say most likely, because no one ever knew her well enough to know for sure – just like me), walked into the ocean was because of love. Love lost and love won. But like I said no knows and no one will ever know…for sure.

I, am only 30, and not close to completely broken. I have experienced what completely broken feels like though….long ago, around the age of 21….That was my ‘birth’ and ‘death’ into life. And again when I was say 26…and although I do not wish that amount of pain on anyone, including me, I think that, if I would be able to feel what she had felt, it would feel something like this:

She

She walks a sandy road

She pushes forward everyday

And everyday she fights

and lives to fight another day

Her smile is brilliant

like the sun – some say

but the words she bleeds onto paper

is tragic

She loves – fully

with nothing held back

If she was smarter

She would hold back,

but she’s not

She’s intelligent

beyond measure

people compare her to

Shakespear and she

moves hearts with her words

Nations rise behind her

books And She

continues to bleed on paper

But people who write get papercuts

And even when the wounds get deep enough

he still did not care

She begged, she pleaded, she wished, fought

and gave up

And he still – did not

There was many of him in her life.

So she continues to bleed onto paper

the words get more and wilder

and leaves the paper and swirls like

pure chaos into her life

like a whirlwind

she’s trapped

inside and outside of herself

It’s a horrible place to be

but no, she will not let them go

they need her

and so

one day

she finds herself by the ocean

where the waves carress the bosoms of the beach

she

loves and loves not anymore

she bleeds

on paper and then in life

and just the way she is

she makes sure the waves

will clean up after her

so the world would not be left

as she always was

supposed to be

a mess

Hey you…

Can you believe that I’ve checked in with you 100 times since we met? I remember when we met and everything was still new… I decided that talking to you could create a safe space for me… A tiny little something I could hold onto when life’s waters get rough and my tears inevitably wash away my latest convictions… And it worked, because you’re still here.. 100 posts later… And when I’m really really down or lonely or just have something to share that is inappropriate or too vulnerable to possibly mention to anyone who knows my name and has access to my Facebook page… You’ve always been here for me. I appreciate that. Even more no that I’ve lost my husband… Who knew when we met you would come to mean so much to me? Thank you.

https://wp.me/sa5Rol-11

These words from Lilblondezombie have touched my soul tonight and somehow I feel less lonely in my suffering because just knowing that someone else feels these feelings too… Is strangely comforting to me…

It’s like when he said… His favorite song is “behind blue eyes” because it reminds him that everyone feels like this sometimes…

When I read these words from Lilblondezombie I feel…

Grateful for her courage to share this. Grateful that she has written the words that I’ve been too afraid to write. Afraid of the emotional pain that still lies in store for me during this divorce. Proud of myself because even though I know this about myself… And I knew how “impossible” it is for me to leave my favorite person… I still did it. When he turned really abusive, when I had to choose between my life and soul and having him around… I chose me… And I’m still standing… Yes, I’ve bled, yes, it hurts, yes I’ve become suicidal yes I Jabe thoughts of self harm and innapropriate coping mechanisms coupled with an impulsivity and self destructive ness that have skyrocketed to new levels. But I did it and I’m still standing. And that counts for so much so I am honestly so proud of me. Thanks for bringing it up lilblondezombie!

https://wp.me/pa5Rol-2z

Hey you…

You are going to be okay you know? You’re gonna be just fine. (Brushes tears from cheek lovingly). Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, I need to listen and I need you to trust me please. YOU are going to be just fine.

You just lost your favorite person honey that’s all. That is what hurts so much. Your heart is telling you that you won’t be okay on your own, that you’ve lost your home, that you’re a dog and you need your master, but that is simply not true. Your heart only thinks that it’s true because your heart has been traumatized before and it still carries some of the wounds… It doesn’t always remember v that you’re not 3 years old anymore, that you’ve lost your home (in fact you never had one) long ago and that you’ve been fine ever since. It doesn’t always realize how strong and powerful you’ve become… Or that your spirit is brave and your soul courageous. You are going to be your own home now darling. You can do it. You know how I know? Because you’ve been doing it successfully for the longest time… You just haven’t realised it… But now, now that I’ve pointed it out… Hopefully you do. I love you hun and you deserve love and all that’s good in the world. And you should love you too, because you are freaking awesome..

Hey you…

So today I spent virtually my while day playing theme hospital… Hiding from reality, hiding from everyone else, especially myself… I’m not a fan of my emotions… And as they lockdown days drag on I find it harder and harder to want to access those parts of myself.. I am aware of a distinctively uncomfortable feeling inside of me that I can’t quite place… This leads to thoughts of helplessness, hopelessness and a sense of being not good enough and yet unhinged. I’m afraid of my dark side. Aren’t you?

Hey you…

So my mind is still filled with anxious thoughts like, will anyone ever love me? Accusations like, you couldn’t even keep your husband… How is anyone else ever gonna love you? And harsh criticism from my superstrict authoritarian inner parent like… No one will ever love, you’re too fat and ugly… BUT at least now I am able to recognize these thoughts, and watch them pass like clouds in the sky… Perhaps challenging them if I’m up to it…

Which is why I am so proud of myself for the progress made today on my courageous curves project!! I was feeling super disgusting… Just fat and unattractive today… Because I’ve been eating carbs the whole of yesterday and today.. So I took action and convinced myself to work on my choreography for “I’m gonna show you crazy” anyway… And it paid off! This was the first video since the divorce and probably since ballet in which I could manage to look at myself and go… Yeah, you’re not perfect, hun but you’re not looking half bad… And btw I love the choreography…. So I am chuffed about that. Look I am not even near ready to put these vids up on YouTube but I am continuing working on them and the choreography… And one day I will… Until then everytime my scared inner teen asks me.. But how do you know you’re good enough? I have to answer, because I know honey… I just know. You’re beautiful because you’re real and because you dance from the heart and don’t let anyone ever convince you otherwise. Just keep going with it, you’ll see…

Also my brother said I look super professional so… That was awesome. He said I’m really good and he saw the video that I took with my laptop so it is super blurry… But he still said I’m good which I was so thankful for…

Tomorrow is Monday, but now it’s Sunday night and I am calm and I have tons of exciting things happening in the future to be excited for. It’s a good feeling.