My dad never hands out compliments, much less genuine heartfelt compliments. He is just as hard on everyone else as he is on himself. But today he told me that he thinks that I have the talent of making people feel safe, that is why I don’t struggle to get clients. I just talk to them, they get to know me and they sign up. They feel they can trust me. I make them feel safe.What makes it even more special is that he told me this whilst he was aware that I am not perfect. I had just lost a lot of money with recruiting the wrong people for the business and not managing them properly. I also got into trouble with our professional body for “unethical behaviour”. I marked tests for them and changed marks on the scripts without another marker present. I wasn’t aware that they had changed the rules from the previous year and I wasn’t allowed to do that. Anyway… Point is… Not perfect. Actually VERY ASHAMED.Bit he told me that he is proud of me for my tenacity, for persevering even when life “happens” to me. I told me I a fighter and it doesn’t matter how many times I fall down it matters to get up every time. And I’m doing that. It was just very good to hear. Perhaps the world isn’t pure black and white. Perhaps it’s a tolerable shade of grays.

If all progress takes place outside my comfort zone and

The heart of wisdom is tolerance.

If I am the only one that can give myself peace

And I am the one floundering in the middle

Gasping for air

Having a near death fish experience

Over and over again

Then

The secret of true happiness is letting every situation

Be what it is,

Instead of what I think it should be

And this secret is inside the circus

Inside of me.

Calm down. Or you’ll burn out. Like a flame that flickers, then blazes into light, puts up a fight, tries to swallow all the darkness in the world whole in one piece in a few seconds, before it flickers once more and then slowly dies. Calm down. Or you’ll burn out.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed. Very lonely. I’m not sure why. But once again I spent the whole day working, then trying to relax but failing to do so. I am exhausted now. Just falling into bed. Quickly trying to figure out my mind just before I drift off into a desperate and exhausted sleep.

The truth is every reality you perceive is your reality.

I think I discovered one of my thinking traps today. I tend to beat myself up, about small things. I think as a child I learned that if I can be good enough of an asshole to myself over small little things there is less of a chance that my parents would do the same. It’s kind of like if I keep doing my homework until I start crying they might give me some love some ‘you are okay’. I still catch myself sometimes to this day trying to prove to people that I’m good enough, beating myself up if I’m not. What I need to remember is that I am not responsible for other people’s emotions. I can’t hold myself responsible and judge myself according to how others respond around me. That will make me lose hope because that is truly out of my control.

It gets hard though. Especially when I earn smiles at work from the boss for a job well done. I find myself just naturally dropping my boundaries. Working until all hours because I think I’m on the right track. Losing sleep for fear of disappointing him. Dreading the day he looks at me with disappointed anger disgust. “You’re worthless”. I need to realise that he is not my dad and I have the power to love myself and if those words are coming my way in future they’ll be coming from myself not anyone else so I better watch it and remember that I am not my internal parent and I am worth loving and I am capable of loving myself. I decide when I’ve worked enough and I am not responsible for people’s emotions when they set unreasonable expectations for me that I fail to meet. How I deal with this is crucial. In my job, life, relationships, business….

It’s difficult to admit this, but there’s still some sadness left in me. Don’t get me wrong – a lot of it came out during the trauma counselling. During those hours of endless talking about things I so desperately wanted to forget, the hurt and sadness, the emptiness and pain came out. It didn’t erupt like one would think it would. Rather it used out slowly, like puss would from an infected, but aged wound that one keeps poking with a stick. The sickness came out. I don’t know how, but she heard me. I spoke and she listened. And what happened was that the puss came out and I started processing emotions again. At first like a broken gramophone, but later more and more efficiently. I got happier and I got better and I healed. For a long time I’ve been feeling kind of steady now. I have emotions but not like before. I would get sad but not so sad that I would drown in it. I would get angry but not so angry that I would attack someone. Etc etc. But today… I felt something worrying… I felt some sadness that I couldn’t explain. For lack of a better description it feels like see leftover sadness from that poking the wound incident. Problem is I didn’t know that it was there. And I don’t particularly trust it. Can I just be cured and be done with it already? (My frustration speaks). Why is it there? What does it want from me? And how is it possibly planning on destroying my future? Are the meds not enough anymore? Will I ever be completely cured? (Anxious thoughts). Well I guess I’ll have to wait and see… My guess is I still have something left to grieve for… But what? And is it even possible to find out and fix this without a therapist? Because I don’t have a therapist… I can’t afford one right now and probable not in the near future neither…

It was a good weekend. I needed to recharge after a hectic week. “Eat. Sh#t. Sleep. ” is what my husband prescribed. “Single cell survival” is what he calls it. I did work a bit today, but I only finished half the tasks I was supposed to do, however I’m not going to guilt trip myself, because you know what? Sometimes I also just need a break. And that’s what I gave myself today – a break. I understand that I will now face the consequences for it, but I made my decision – no use losing sleep over it now. What I am more than slightly anxious about if I have to admit it is my performance at work and all the challenges arising from it this week. Since the key manager has announced his intention of leaving the end of the month the pressure at work has been steadily growing. All I can do, is accept that it is what it is and stay focused, calm and emotionally sane so that I can make the right the decisions when the time comes for making them. It’s going to be rough, but I’m excited to learn this chess game. #positivethoughtsSpeaking of positive thoughts, I used to be the Queen of problem-solving until that day… I was the person that always had a plan. Whenever something went wrong I would accept the situation and deal with it immediate. I was a cat and I always landed on my feet. But back then I still had the emotional intelligence of a three year old (a quote by my therapist). I didn’t understand that it was necessary for me to take care of myself, to take time to… Feel… And… Heal. Perhaps if I knew back then what I know now that day wouldn’t have happened. I’m not sure, but I know I have grown A LOT the past few years and I believe I am stronger now and I’ll only get stronger and learn even more. I just need to remember my roots. #blessed

I love the way his hair smells after a shower. I love the way he walks, talks and reaches out to me. He’s been trapped inside his own castle walls for so long, being guarded by me. But now those days are long gone and he’s finally breaking free. Break my heart into a million pieces, gather the pieces like glass, be careful not to cut yourself on your way out, but because I found the strength to be vulnerable and to set boundaries he found his voice and that is priceless.

This weekend was a good weekend. Yes, I worked a full two days of it (Friday night until 11:00). Sunday from 14:00 to 18:00 and Monday from 08:00 to 17:00, but I also had a birthday braai for my husband and spent some quality time with him for what felt like the first time in years. I really love spending time with him when he let’s me. With “lets me” I mean I didn’t really realise it but he has had his walls so high up for so long I forgot what the man on the inside of the walls look like.

Since he met with his biological sister he has let me be there for him. He’s been vulnerable with me and I could take care of him emotionally. I know I haven’t been perfect with him, but I feel like I really stepped up for him. Now I must just remember to take care of him emotionally. Something I can probably only do if I first take care of myself emotionally…

I must continue to figure out my emotions and how to attach to people… And how to be a normal human being. It’s difficult though but I think I’m learning…

How low self esteem impacts our daily lives.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/2019/06/the-invalid-person-low-self-esteem-on-steroids-pt-1-2/

Beautiful piece about how our sense of self, being secure in that self and our capability to love that self impacts on the rest of our lives.

https://wp.me/p60CWt-1mWW

A lot of interesting things happened this week… I fired my first client… My husband’s biological sister found him via Facebook.. I got told that “In your first 5 to 10 years of running your own business you’ll feel like you don’t know anything, but that just means you’re in the right place. You’re learning and growing. That is how learning and growing feels.” That is how my boss felt when he first opened his own practice. What a comforting thought. I’ve been wondering about myself, this profession, this business… What if it all… Is just not worth it? What if… I am just not good enough? What if I am the problem? But apparently it’s normal to feel like that when you’re doing so many new things all at once. I really hope my business works out one day. Until then, what do I do about this client that I fired? It kind of feels like he might be one of those people where if you don’t help him anymore he might turn vengeful in his own self-interest. Something like that? At the moment when I made the decision I wasn’t thinking of how this would play out, what twist the human element would put on this plot. I was thinking of the risk involved in the audit of this guy. I’m almost certain he steals money from his trust account and I just haven’t picked it up in previous audits. I always knew he was dodgy but I needed the money. When your a start-up you can’t afford to say no to business. Now I am at a stage where I actually can afford to say no, but I don’t know how to see it through. I sent an email with a well worded resignation letter. When he called I answered his call and explained quietly and calmly that the person I was helping out was forcing me to close my audit business, but that I would still be able to consult.. Now he wants to see me about his personal income tax… And I really don’t want to see him… What if he corners me? Tells me how unprofessional I am for letting him down? For waiting until now to tell him to find another auditor a month before the deadline… What if he starts yelling and tells me how bad I am? What if he hurts me and I start crying?

Pathetic. Unprofessional. I know. It’s like there is an angry parent in my head that I am afraid of and don’t know how to get rid of. How am I supposed to know how to deal with these people in these types of situations anyway? How does everyone else know?