Oh Becca, this is heartbreaking, but so comforting to me all the same. I’ve felt THAT – you know. And just the way you described it – you’ve put something into words that I would never have been able to describe to anyone or anything. And that means that today, right now, you meant something for me; your writing did something for me and the fact that you exist and write…matters to me. So thank you.

My dip in creativity

Posted on July 11, 2020 by beccaellenwrites

I’ve been struggling more than usual to write anything creative. I’ve even been struggling to keep up with my book instagram account. I haven’t read a book in weeks, I haven’t written a short story in months and months. I have no motivation and my ability to enjoy things seems to have dwindled.

These activities have never held any benefit to me in terms of recognition or monetary value or anything like that, I’ve always done them solely for myself. And yet. Somehow I am suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of insignificance. Everything I do is pointless. Every endeavour proves fruitless and my quality of life remains unchanged. I’m no one, doing nothing of import.

Why bother to do anything if none of it matters?

Why not spend all day sat in bed playing animal crossing and watching TV? What difference will it make to me or the world if that is all I did with my time?

I do my work that I am paid for, because it’s my job and it pays the proverbial bills. Hobbies are meant to be fun and yet for whatever reason (mental illness, laziness, feelings of inadequacy, a sense of ennui) I don’t enjoy doing anything.

My most content is when I do nothing. They day time flies when you’re having fun, well the day flies by when I have barely moved from my bed. Even the video games I enjoy are minimal effort; animal crossing, sims. Anything mindless that I can waste away doing – that is my jam.

So if that’s what I want to do, why not? Nothing else I do makes any difference to the world around me. I could spend all day working on my writing and the world would be no different from if I spent that time scrolling on my phone. I wouldn’t feel any happier in myself. Not one single person’s day would be affected.

So why am I living my life as if it all matters, as if I need to write and read books and post things online like I have some obligation to a world that couldn’t give any less of shit about my existence, let alone how I choose to spend it. Why do I have to be “productive” and what even counts as “productive”? The way I see it, me decorating my house in animal crossing is exactly as productive as anything else I do with my time.

Even exercising and travelling and broadening my horizons, that is productive for personal growth but what’s the point of personal growth? I’m not hurting anyone with my existence and I’m not benefiting anyone else by improving it. All the things I do with my time effect me and only me, and I am irrelevant to the world so why can I not just do whatever I want and waste away in my bed in peace?

Can you even waste time if your time is worthless?

Honestly, I write myself a “to do” list and it makes me think “who are you to have a to do list like how you spend your day matters to anyone or anything?”

I’m writing this because I was bored and my brain was getting too full words so I had to get something out. But I’m writing it to no one, about nothing, and it will be forever lost in the infinitive void of the internet. It, like me, will never do anything for anybody.

Hey you,

I am stressed out of my mind. My anxiety is sky high. So many interesting things have been happening… At work I’ve been pushing myself to my absolute limits… and haven’t yet reaped the cashflow rewards of not sleeping for two weeks.

In personal life even more interesting things have been having…. I am SO confused. I don’t know if up is down or down is up or where I am or what my name is.

One of our colleagues slept over last night. Now, first of all, life at my new ‘home’ is already complicated because I don’t have a bed yet…so I’m sleeping on a daybed in front of the TV…in the lounge…and as if that wasn’t awkward enough…I’m sleeping WITH the guy that used to be the next door neighbour/ tenant. It just kind of happened…once my husband moved out. He has just kind of been there for me…and well, yeah he’s been sweet and my ego has been bruised because of all the years that my now ex-husband refused to sleep with me whilst making me believe that this was my fault… So its been nice…BUT we’re not an item… If anything, I would want to be in a relationship with him, to take away the fear of being alone, which is not healthy at all…nothing more. And he made it very clear from the get-go that I shouldn’t fall in love with him because to him I’m just a friend with benefits…that’s it.

So his ex came over last night, who coincidentally also works with us in our sales team. Well, to be more exact she came over two nights ago…and stayed since…. We’ve been working non-stop so it just made sense for her to sleep over…twice…. And all went reasonably well and was reasonably not too awkard… although we had to sleep in the same bed…because there is only one bed here…

And then, last night…they start fooling around. Like oh my goodness I was so uncomfortable, I did not know what to do at all. So I started pretending I’m asleep and then I ‘woke up’ and I asked if they wanted me to give them some privacy…to which they both said no very quickly… It was just awkard… so I got a smoke and when I had finished my smoke I asked if, since they don’t want privacy, we could have my first ever threesome…and she said no. She’d never done it before and she wasn’t about to do it now… which made it even more awkard… Then, when he slipped away to go do something, I whisper-asked her if she would consider just like doing it with me… and she said she would…

And that was it. I woke up feeling very confused… I’m not sure why but I feel sad and depressed… Why did he have to start fooling around with her last night? Like was that really necessary? I mean I know when I’m not here he does have sex with her and I know that I’m not in a relationship with him, but we’ve been sleeping together basically every night since we had to move in together…because of finances…. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. And I don’t know how I actually feel.

I can’t be hurt can I? I think maybe I’m just tired, super anxious and over worked.

Also, somethings gotto give, if we don’t achieve something in terms of sales and cashflow this week I don’t know what we are going to do in terms of funds…we’re running out of food and out of options… I might have to find a job…which at this rate, to be honest, I’ll probably look for something abroad…not ideal with covid and lockdowns, but… I just want out…I want uncomplicated…and I want a new husband…and a family…and for my heart to be unbroken…

In unrelated news, I did absolutely no work today, because I was so exhausted depressed and confused, so what I did do was start reading and recording some of my previous blog posts… I finished one now, with video and sound effects and I put it on Youtube… Its a very therapeutic process. I think it helps me dissapear from reality and process my emotions at the very same time….which is great… I hope you enjoy it… give me feedback? If you have any advice for me please give it…

I am so confused. I’m freshly divorced, and now this happened and I just don’t know if my entrepreneurial ventures are going to be successful…and I don’t know if I still want to be here. I’m just not sure…and I’m judging myself for that and for being a mess and for being a slut… I should right? This is something that good girls just don’t do???

This one is from “The Moon and the Scars” entry on 10 July 2020…

Platinum will never mean the same again.

My tears are bitter sweet.

My heart is cold in places,

but also warm

Also healing,

but slightly broken,

just like you

just like me.

just like this rhyme

that doesn’t rhyme at all

and then all of a sudden takes a dip – a fall

then rises, victorious, ten thousand feet tall

You know we could’ve had it all.

Gasp for air.

And the tears on my face tastes bitter sweet

And the night is cold, but… the heat…

Because today I heard

My attorney friend called

We got the divorce

and…ummm….

We got platinum.

And I am overjoyed and heartbroken all the same

because what this means is that it would be like we never came

together

at

all.