Standing still with your hair on fire

Hey You…

I’m so sorry I’ve been ignoring you! I guess for the longest time now…things have been just very NEW and I’m not sure about what I’m doing. So me being me and having the emotional intelligence of a slug… I decided to stop doing my therapy sessions, stop checking in with you, just ignore all the emotions as far as possible and just try to live in the moment…

This has resulted in me having a mini-meltdown…where I’m so anxious, confused, frustrated… there is just so many emotions that I haven’t dealt with and they’re all trying to come out all at once..making me even more…tired, demotivated. I’m struggling to function now.

I was trying to be strong for my new partner… He hasn’t been functioning or pulling his weight in the business… so I decided to not say anything… just sweep it under the rug…bottle up my resentment.. you know like ‘good girls’ do.

And that hasn’t worked. The more I give him space to do less…the less he does. THe less he does the less he knows the more irritated I become the harder I work the less patience I have the more hurt he feels the more fear of abandonment I have. And while all of this is going on neither of us are focusing on our baby business.. The less we focus on our baby business the less we achieve the less I achieve the harder I work the more demotivated I feel the more real my fear of failure becomes the more stressed I am the more stressed he is the more he distracts himself the harder I work… Its a vicious cycle. Is this what codependence is called? And how the hell did I get here?

I guess I’ve learnt a valuable lesson… Its never worth it to put the emotional shutters on… you might get some temporary relief and that really felt great, but at the same time…its like your driving a car but refusing to take the wheel… Its just stupid and you have no control over where you end up and once you’re there you don’t even know how you got there to begin with…

So I have to get back to You and Me…

So I started with finding a website called 7 cups of tea… I’m on there if you want to talk.. My username is Ariel Hopewhispers. https://www.7cups.com/startup-support/

I started with talking to two free listeners about my current situation. It made me feel a little calmer. I also asked my partner to take over on the business side from me for just a day or two…so I can focus on getting better…and he said yes… I’m currently doing the startup section on 7 cups… Its a self help resource that I’m really liking so far…

Here are my notes on the first video. I thought you’d like to see…

Anyway, I’ll try check in more regularly, okay? I promise I will. We’ll get through this… If we could get through divorce and 12 years of unhappy marraige we can get through this… I just need to practice making talking to you and listening to me and spending time on keeping myself emotionally healthy a priority… I need to, because I want to build a life worth living…

Can you relate? Have any suggestions for me at this stage? Just there and rooting for me..? Please reach out. I’d love the support.

Chat later. Yours in this messy entrepreneurial thing we call life…

Ariel

PS: I’m trying to think of questions that I could use as prompts to maybe start off every day with a journalling excercise… Good idea/ bad idea? Any suggestions for questions? Thank you!

Notes on Startup Life 7 Cups of Tea: Video 1

Lessons from disappearing into the fire pioneers talk:

Every morning he takes half an hour and reads a novel in the bath tub.

Just Be.

If you bring forth what is in you; what is in you will save you.

Freedom is scary. Freedom means that we are responsible for our own happiness. Freedom means that I’m not being dictated to by my demons.

Am I making this choice out of fear or love?

Keep your promises.

You have to be the adult you want your children to be. You need to make a different choice.

What are you afraid of?

How do I motivate someone without scaring the crap out of them? Call out the possibility of what exists within us… Hold people accountable. Don’t take out your fear on other people.

He thought I could do anything and as a result I thought I could do everything. Don’t lead with fear.

Morning ritual:

  • Coffee
  • Journaling
  • Excercise
  • Meditation
  • Then Email

Every failed experiment produces learning as long as you keep radical self-inquiry alive.

Calming your inner core is really, really important.

I hate my co-founder for not doing enough, how do I keep from bursting out?

First of all ask yourself the question: Why is it making me so angry? Because implicit in that question is the belief that you’re working too hard. Who is making that choice? Because if you worked at the same pace of your co-founder, maybe the company would fail…or maybe not. Maybe your co-founder doesn’t have the same level of anxiety as you do. Maybe their anxious about different things. What I would do is bring the two of you together and actually have a dialogue. The number one reason for failure in startups is co-founder conflict. You better work on your co-founder relationships.

You’re kicking ass, but being the CEO of a startup is f*cking hard. It can be lonely. Long hours. Constant demands. Never­-ending­-unforgiving­-to­-do ­lists. And no manual.

Another stunningly tragic epic video from The Pretty Reckless

I love the tragic blue cold scenery in stark contrast with the red dress. Her pale skin makes it even more striking.
Holding on to the last bit of hope inside.
Trying to numb the pain.
Wishing it was over.
Loss leads to anger.
Anger leads to thinking.
Which leads to despair.
Broken and vulnerable and no help is coming.
I can so relate to this new video released by The Pretty Reckless.

So maybe I should just admit it then; I miss him.

Hey You,

I’m visiting my parents at the moment and I guess I’m feeling a bit confused. I can’t stop thinking about this new man in my life. The last 7 months has been such a whirlwind rollercoaster, with the new business starting and running faster than I’ve ever seen another startup ever progress before.

We’ve been having sex pretty much every single day. It’s been great. At the same time I haven’t really had much time to myself, to think about me. I was kind of thankful that I didn’t have to…I mean there just wasn’t time… But now I’m visiting my parents and he isn’t here…and I cannot stop thinking about him. I’m not in love. I can’t be, but I miss the comfort of him, the safety, the familiarity…and I can’t help wondering if maybe, maybe, maybe….maybe we could just fall in love and be happy. That would be an amazing fairtytale ending to a story with a very tragic start… but who knows if I’m destined for a fairytale happy ending or a fairytale tragic ending or perhaps a bit of both?

I guess the only way to find out is to stay tuned… Anyway I discovered this music video by accident today whilst looking for more ASMR vids on Youtube…and I liked it… a lot…am resonating with it right now. Is it just me, or is there a certain comfort in tragedy too? Especially when its such a familiar space to be in?

Yours in Hope,

Ariel

I’ve been neglecting myself

Hey You,

Today I was watching a series in which some poor child was put in a situation where he was drowning in fear, filled with humiliation, had no way out, no control, no hope… and that’s exactly what it triggered in me… That picture reached inside of me to a space inside of me where there’s a fearful child…just waiting to be saved, but at the same time knowing…no help is coming…

I need to work on freeing her. It’s important.

But I’m not sure how.

I haven’t had money to buy my medication in about a month now…and I’ve been doing pretty good…until today…with that series… Strange how it takes just one thing…to take you down a couple knotches…until you’re right back where you started.

I’m sad now. I mean our event, that I co-hosted tonight, and have been working my butt off for…was a huge success and yet I don’t feel it was good enough. I don’t feel that I’ve done enough. I don’t feel that I’m doing enough and at the same time…I’ve been working everyday until 3/ 5 am in the morning. Getting up at 9/10 and repeating the process over and over again. I’m not sure but I think I’m exhausted. At the same time I still have so much more to do until we’ll be home free. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I feel quite hopeless right now…

At the same time. I won’t give up. Perhaps I just need to spend some time taking care of me…giving back to me…being me…doing what I like…and being a bit more selfish… Just for a while at least…??

So you’ll probably see me around here more often, hopefully, at least for a while, as I try to find my bearings again.

Thanks for being a good friend and for listening to my rambles. You’re always so easy to talk to and you always listen without critisising. The world needs more of that.

Just me… softly signing one of my favorite songs…because I wanted to…

Until we talk again.

Take care.

Lots of love.

Yours in mayhem,

Ariel…

I called him that night

I called him that night.

I told him I have my brother in my car.

Home wasn’t safe.

We had nowhere to go.

He said I should call him later that night. He was at gym at that time.

We had nowhere to go.

He was supposed to be lifeline, a life coach, life blood, a lease on life.

Turns out he was just like everybody else.

So if you’re going to be giving yourself out as someone who is going to be there for someone else. Please don’t pretend. Please just remember that, when they call you – it might just be because they actually need you. It might just really not be safe for them at home that night. They might have the responsibility of a little brother, squarely on their young shoulders and they might just actually, have nowhere else to go to, no one else to turn to, no safe space. Nothing.

I don’t blame him. I mean, people have to earn a living, but also I do blame him. At that time if I had just one person to talk to, just one safe space to go to. Just one person that cared…things might have been a whole lot less worse for us. Instead, all I got from making that call was confirmation that we were really alone in this world, really vulnerable, really alone, really in danger, really in need of just some hope, just one warm meal, or a little love, a place to go, not even, but perhaps a home – and we had nowhere to go, no hope left, only desparation and literally not one person on this planet could be bothered to even take a phone call from a young adult that really needed help.

A life worth living

Hey you,

I gave myself permission to stop working just for a second and to spend my time being useless, just foraging through wordpress for food for thought…and I found this little gem of a quote on a website I’ve never seen before but am definitely going to be checking out more… Thanks for the follow James 🙂 You made a my day…a little more…magical… 🙂

by JAMESDEECLAYTON on https://diaryofanaesthete.com/

Yours truly,

Ariel

Reblogged: My dip in creativity

Oh Becca, this is heartbreaking, but so comforting to me all the same. I’ve felt THAT – you know. And just the way you described it – you’ve put something into words that I would never have been able to describe to anyone or anything. And that means that today, right now, you meant something for me; your writing did something for me and the fact that you exist and write…matters to me. So thank you.

Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

My dip in creativity

Posted on by beccaellenwrites

I’ve been struggling more than usual to write anything creative. I’ve even been struggling to keep up with my book instagram account. I haven’t read a book in weeks, I haven’t written a short story in months and months. I have no motivation and my ability to enjoy things seems to have dwindled.

These activities have never held any benefit to me in terms of recognition or monetary value or anything like that, I’ve always done them solely for myself. And yet. Somehow I am suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of insignificance. Everything I do is pointless. Every endeavour proves fruitless and my quality of life remains unchanged. I’m no one, doing nothing of import.

Why bother to do anything if none of it matters?

Why not spend all day sat in bed playing animal crossing and watching TV? What difference will it make to me or the world if that is all I did with my time?

I do my work that I am paid for, because it’s my job and it pays the proverbial bills. Hobbies are meant to be fun and yet for whatever reason (mental illness, laziness, feelings of inadequacy, a sense of ennui) I don’t enjoy doing anything.

My most content is when I do nothing. They day time flies when you’re having fun, well the day flies by when I have barely moved from my bed. Even the video games I enjoy are minimal effort; animal crossing, sims. Anything mindless that I can waste away doing – that is my jam.

So if that’s what I want to do, why not? Nothing else I do makes any difference to the world around me. I could spend all day working on my writing and the world would be no different from if I spent that time scrolling on my phone. I wouldn’t feel any happier in myself. Not one single person’s day would be affected.

So why am I living my life as if it all matters, as if I need to write and read books and post things online like I have some obligation to a world that couldn’t give any less of shit about my existence, let alone how I choose to spend it. Why do I have to be “productive” and what even counts as “productive”? The way I see it, me decorating my house in animal crossing is exactly as productive as anything else I do with my time.

Even exercising and travelling and broadening my horizons, that is productive for personal growth but what’s the point of personal growth? I’m not hurting anyone with my existence and I’m not benefiting anyone else by improving it. All the things I do with my time effect me and only me, and I am irrelevant to the world so why can I not just do whatever I want and waste away in my bed in peace?

Can you even waste time if your time is worthless?

Honestly, I write myself a “to do” list and it makes me think “who are you to have a to do list like how you spend your day matters to anyone or anything?”

I’m writing this because I was bored and my brain was getting too full words so I had to get something out. But I’m writing it to no one, about nothing, and it will be forever lost in the infinitive void of the internet. It, like me, will never do anything for anybody.

Random bubble of happiness

Hey you,

I’m really happy right now.

Our money has basically run out and the sales just aren’t getting there. Its a struggle and I’m tired. I need to make a plan to find money to buy dog food and food for me and the tenants I live with. Their income streams have basically been reduced to nothing because of Covid… they’re bartenders and haven’t earned a living wage in about 4 months so I’m pretty much supporting all of us now…and I’m still in the startup phase with my new company…

So there’s a lot to stress about. A lot of reasons to be tired, anxious, depressed, worried, but what good does that do?

Also, right now, I just got my new bed delivered so I can move into my own room… And even though I haven’t had a chance to put linens on the bed…when I close the door and sit on my bed a feel the solitude hugging me…and I know this is my space.. Its rough and its raw and messy, but its mine and it has potential…and its just mine. I don’t have to share it with anyone. I don’t have to listen to how much my now ex-husband hates my taste or choice of bedding. I can fill it with unicorns or mermaids, rainbows or anything on the face of the planet that I feel like filling it with. Its rough and its raw and its not much to be honest…but today it my little random bubble of happiness…

Just thought I’d let ya know.

Yours truely,

Ariel

Anonymous Comfort

Hey You,

There is something fantastically beautiful about being completely utterly and forever anonymous. I tell you things that I would never tell anyone else ever… which means we’re closer than I’ll ever be to any other human being in ‘real’ life EVER. Isn’t that magical? It means I get to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets, my most intimate intimidating fears, my realest hopes and dreams and beliefs…and you never judge me…because you don’t know me…you don’t have a name for me….other than the alias I put on wordpress…I am nameless to you, worthless in a way, and yet…you’re always here….whenever I need you…

This blank canvas in front of me…it never changes…its always ready to accept my latest failure, absorb my most painful tears…those ones that I don’t cry in front of anyone else ever…absorb my latest hopes… And when I’m gone one day…those fears, those hopes, the things I’ve seen and the way that they made me feel…will still be here…words on paper…whispers in the wind.

Isn’t that mindblowing?

Also, I just made another one of my blog posts into an audio post…wanna have a listen and let me know what you think? 🙂 Would appreciate it. Thank you for listening…always…I love you…

Audio Blog Entry from 2 August 2020 – Miss Nothing:

This is something that good girls just don’t do

Hey you,

I am stressed out of my mind. My anxiety is sky high. So many interesting things have been happening… At work I’ve been pushing myself to my absolute limits… and haven’t yet reaped the cashflow rewards of not sleeping for two weeks.

In personal life even more interesting things have been having…. I am SO confused. I don’t know if up is down or down is up or where I am or what my name is.

One of our colleagues slept over last night. Now, first of all, life at my new ‘home’ is already complicated because I don’t have a bed yet…so I’m sleeping on a daybed in front of the TV…in the lounge…and as if that wasn’t awkward enough…I’m sleeping WITH the guy that used to be the next door neighbour/ tenant. It just kind of happened…once my husband moved out. He has just kind of been there for me…and well, yeah he’s been sweet and my ego has been bruised because of all the years that my now ex-husband refused to sleep with me whilst making me believe that this was my fault… So its been nice…BUT we’re not an item… If anything, I would want to be in a relationship with him, to take away the fear of being alone, which is not healthy at all…nothing more. And he made it very clear from the get-go that I shouldn’t fall in love with him because to him I’m just a friend with benefits…that’s it.

So his ex came over last night, who coincidentally also works with us in our sales team. Well, to be more exact she came over two nights ago…and stayed since…. We’ve been working non-stop so it just made sense for her to sleep over…twice…. And all went reasonably well and was reasonably not too awkard… although we had to sleep in the same bed…because there is only one bed here…

And then, last night…they start fooling around. Like oh my goodness I was so uncomfortable, I did not know what to do at all. So I started pretending I’m asleep and then I ‘woke up’ and I asked if they wanted me to give them some privacy…to which they both said no very quickly… It was just awkard… so I got a smoke and when I had finished my smoke I asked if, since they don’t want privacy, we could have my first ever threesome…and she said no. She’d never done it before and she wasn’t about to do it now… which made it even more awkard… Then, when he slipped away to go do something, I whisper-asked her if she would consider just like doing it with me… and she said she would…

And that was it. I woke up feeling very confused… I’m not sure why but I feel sad and depressed… Why did he have to start fooling around with her last night? Like was that really necessary? I mean I know when I’m not here he does have sex with her and I know that I’m not in a relationship with him, but we’ve been sleeping together basically every night since we had to move in together…because of finances…. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. And I don’t know how I actually feel.

I can’t be hurt can I? I think maybe I’m just tired, super anxious and over worked.

Also, somethings gotto give, if we don’t achieve something in terms of sales and cashflow this week I don’t know what we are going to do in terms of funds…we’re running out of food and out of options… I might have to find a job…which at this rate, to be honest, I’ll probably look for something abroad…not ideal with covid and lockdowns, but… I just want out…I want uncomplicated…and I want a new husband…and a family…and for my heart to be unbroken…

In unrelated news, I did absolutely no work today, because I was so exhausted depressed and confused, so what I did do was start reading and recording some of my previous blog posts… I finished one now, with video and sound effects and I put it on Youtube… Its a very therapeutic process. I think it helps me dissapear from reality and process my emotions at the very same time….which is great… I hope you enjoy it… give me feedback? If you have any advice for me please give it…

I am so confused. I’m freshly divorced, and now this happened and I just don’t know if my entrepreneurial ventures are going to be successful…and I don’t know if I still want to be here. I’m just not sure…and I’m judging myself for that and for being a mess and for being a slut… I should right? This is something that good girls just don’t do???

This one is from “The Moon and the Scars” entry on 10 July 2020…