Random bubble of happiness

Hey you,

I’m really happy right now.

Our money has basically run out and the sales just aren’t getting there. Its a struggle and I’m tired. I need to make a plan to find money to buy dog food and food for me and the tenants I live with. Their income streams have basically been reduced to nothing because of Covid… they’re bartenders and haven’t earned a living wage in about 4 months so I’m pretty much supporting all of us now…and I’m still in the startup phase with my new company…

So there’s a lot to stress about. A lot of reasons to be tired, anxious, depressed, worried, but what good does that do?

Also, right now, I just got my new bed delivered so I can move into my own room… And even though I haven’t had a chance to put linens on the bed…when I close the door and sit on my bed a feel the solitude hugging me…and I know this is my space.. Its rough and its raw and messy, but its mine and it has potential…and its just mine. I don’t have to share it with anyone. I don’t have to listen to how much my now ex-husband hates my taste or choice of bedding. I can fill it with unicorns or mermaids, rainbows or anything on the face of the planet that I feel like filling it with. Its rough and its raw and its not much to be honest…but today it my little random bubble of happiness…

Just thought I’d let ya know.

Yours truely,

Ariel

Anonymous Comfort

Hey You,

There is something fantastically beautiful about being completely utterly and forever anonymous. I tell you things that I would never tell anyone else ever… which means we’re closer than I’ll ever be to any other human being in ‘real’ life EVER. Isn’t that magical? It means I get to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets, my most intimate intimidating fears, my realest hopes and dreams and beliefs…and you never judge me…because you don’t know me…you don’t have a name for me….other than the alias I put on wordpress…I am nameless to you, worthless in a way, and yet…you’re always here….whenever I need you…

This blank canvas in front of me…it never changes…its always ready to accept my latest failure, absorb my most painful tears…those ones that I don’t cry in front of anyone else ever…absorb my latest hopes… And when I’m gone one day…those fears, those hopes, the things I’ve seen and the way that they made me feel…will still be here…words on paper…whispers in the wind.

Isn’t that mindblowing?

Also, I just made another one of my blog posts into an audio post…wanna have a listen and let me know what you think? 🙂 Would appreciate it. Thank you for listening…always…I love you…

Audio Blog Entry from 2 August 2020 – Miss Nothing:

This is something that good girls just don’t do

Hey you,

I am stressed out of my mind. My anxiety is sky high. So many interesting things have been happening… At work I’ve been pushing myself to my absolute limits… and haven’t yet reaped the cashflow rewards of not sleeping for two weeks.

In personal life even more interesting things have been having…. I am SO confused. I don’t know if up is down or down is up or where I am or what my name is.

One of our colleagues slept over last night. Now, first of all, life at my new ‘home’ is already complicated because I don’t have a bed yet…so I’m sleeping on a daybed in front of the TV…in the lounge…and as if that wasn’t awkward enough…I’m sleeping WITH the guy that used to be the next door neighbour/ tenant. It just kind of happened…once my husband moved out. He has just kind of been there for me…and well, yeah he’s been sweet and my ego has been bruised because of all the years that my now ex-husband refused to sleep with me whilst making me believe that this was my fault… So its been nice…BUT we’re not an item… If anything, I would want to be in a relationship with him, to take away the fear of being alone, which is not healthy at all…nothing more. And he made it very clear from the get-go that I shouldn’t fall in love with him because to him I’m just a friend with benefits…that’s it.

So his ex came over last night, who coincidentally also works with us in our sales team. Well, to be more exact she came over two nights ago…and stayed since…. We’ve been working non-stop so it just made sense for her to sleep over…twice…. And all went reasonably well and was reasonably not too awkard… although we had to sleep in the same bed…because there is only one bed here…

And then, last night…they start fooling around. Like oh my goodness I was so uncomfortable, I did not know what to do at all. So I started pretending I’m asleep and then I ‘woke up’ and I asked if they wanted me to give them some privacy…to which they both said no very quickly… It was just awkard… so I got a smoke and when I had finished my smoke I asked if, since they don’t want privacy, we could have my first ever threesome…and she said no. She’d never done it before and she wasn’t about to do it now… which made it even more awkard… Then, when he slipped away to go do something, I whisper-asked her if she would consider just like doing it with me… and she said she would…

And that was it. I woke up feeling very confused… I’m not sure why but I feel sad and depressed… Why did he have to start fooling around with her last night? Like was that really necessary? I mean I know when I’m not here he does have sex with her and I know that I’m not in a relationship with him, but we’ve been sleeping together basically every night since we had to move in together…because of finances…. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. And I don’t know how I actually feel.

I can’t be hurt can I? I think maybe I’m just tired, super anxious and over worked.

Also, somethings gotto give, if we don’t achieve something in terms of sales and cashflow this week I don’t know what we are going to do in terms of funds…we’re running out of food and out of options… I might have to find a job…which at this rate, to be honest, I’ll probably look for something abroad…not ideal with covid and lockdowns, but… I just want out…I want uncomplicated…and I want a new husband…and a family…and for my heart to be unbroken…

In unrelated news, I did absolutely no work today, because I was so exhausted depressed and confused, so what I did do was start reading and recording some of my previous blog posts… I finished one now, with video and sound effects and I put it on Youtube… Its a very therapeutic process. I think it helps me dissapear from reality and process my emotions at the very same time….which is great… I hope you enjoy it… give me feedback? If you have any advice for me please give it…

I am so confused. I’m freshly divorced, and now this happened and I just don’t know if my entrepreneurial ventures are going to be successful…and I don’t know if I still want to be here. I’m just not sure…and I’m judging myself for that and for being a mess and for being a slut… I should right? This is something that good girls just don’t do???

This one is from “The Moon and the Scars” entry on 10 July 2020…

Less Alone

Lets face it.

I am less alone right now than I was back then,

when I was

married to him.

I’m more a woman

than I was back then too.

And whether that’s because of me

or because of you

I’m grateful for it.

That’s progress.

PS: Also its nice on nights like tonight to be able to read some of my previous posts… Whether they are journal entries, poems, scribbles, whispers… they’re mine…and they mean that I exist. And existing means that I haven’t given up…yet.

Listen to/ watch the audio blog entry over here:

Can we?

Can we remember the hurt?

Can we remember the pain?

While you teach me to be whole

again?

Can we remember the laughs?

Can we remember the tears?

That is what life is right?

Its bitter-sweet?

Sweet, yet bitter

like something forbidden on the tongue

like the tattered dreams on which I hung

our future tomorrows

our future kids

I thought…

but who thinks anymore, right?

Not like this.

And if hope whispers,

and my ship does come in,

can we laugh whilst crying

and be whole again?

Comforting Solitude and Hope Whispers

Hey You,

There is something comforting about solitude.

I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit quiet. The last few weeks have been rough to be honest. I’ve been marketing for our newest event non-stop – just sending the one direct Linkedin message after the other… I feel like a Linkedin message by now, to be honest.

I’ve been having lots of sex though. The guy next door… Well, he has a high sex drive and so do I. And ever since I’ve gotten the divorce and he’s been being there for me…a little bit, it just kind of happened naturally… We’re not in love. And he has been very clear with me about not wanting to fall in love… I mean I get it – he’s been hurt. If you think my life has been rough you don’t even want to begin to hear about his. And I mean – in reality – I deserve more this time… Not more than him, but more than just falling for the first guy to look my way…just because I have a need for being loved, being cared for, being less alone… This time I’d like to be sure you know. And he’s right – you can’t just become sure just overnight.

Its a process and one I deserve to follow for the first time ever… Anyway…now I have a bladder infection…I think. I also might have gotten Clamidia from one of they guys I had over in an effort to try to heal a bit of my heart…. I just wanted to have some fun okay…don’t judge me too harshly…

But I do enjoy our chats. I mean, I haven’t checked in in a while, but its nice to know that there’s someone to talk to, somewhere to go, somewhere less lonely, somewhere just a little safe… With no one to judge me, no one to hurt me, no one and yet many someone’s that kinda care…don’t judge. I know I’m a little messed up right now. I might be for a while, but I want to believe, no I do believe that I will get better, become more than I am right now and who knows… Perhaps I won’t even be lonely in future anymore. Perhaps I’ll find love or even better…perhaps I’ll find myself and a place inside of me that I can call home. Lets see. Only time will tell.

Anyhow, I’ll keep you posted… And thanks for being here.

PS: Business is tough right now, but I am hopeful. Since I started the new company about 4 months ago its been a wild ride… I can really see the potential. Now its just down to grit and determination and maybe a few smart strategic moves…I can do it.

Listening to my favorite ghuru…such a comforting voice whilst writing this… Think I’m gonna do some more marketing now… #ThatNeverGiveUpAttitude

Yours in whispers; with lots of Hope,

Ariel Hopewhispers

Platinum tears are bitter sweet

Platinum will never mean the same again.

My tears are bitter sweet.

My heart is cold in places,

but also warm

Also healing,

but slightly broken,

just like you

just like me.

just like this rhyme

that doesn’t rhyme at all

and then all of a sudden takes a dip – a fall

then rises, victorious, ten thousand feet tall

You know we could’ve had it all.

Gasp for air.

And the tears on my face tastes bitter sweet

And the night is cold, but… the heat…

Because today I heard

My attorney friend called

We got the divorce

and…ummm….

We got platinum.

And I am overjoyed and heartbroken all the same

because what this means is that it would be like we never came

together

at

all.

Miss Nothing

Miss Nothing – The pretty reckless

4 Months after I escaped my ex-husband and this is still one of my favorite songs…and I don’t know if I’ll ever move on from here, but there’s a sweetness to this misery…a kind of freedom in being… Miss Nothing…and Miss Everything…all at once… #breakupramblings #breakupsong

Lyrics – Miss Nothing – The Pretty Reckless

I’m miss autonomy, miss nowhere
I’m at the bottom of me
Miss androgyny, miss don’t care
What I’ve done to meI am misused, I don’t wanna do
Be not your slave
Misguided, I mind it
I’m missin’ the trainAnd I don’t know where I’ve been
And I don’t know what I’m into
And I don’t know what I’ve done to meAnd as I watch you disappear into the ground
My one mistake was that I never let you down
So I’ll waste my time and I’ll burn my mind
On miss nothing, miss everythingI’m miss fortune, miss so soon
I’m like a bottle of pain
Miss matter, you had her
Now she’s goin’ away

I’m misused, misconstrued
I don’t need to be saved
Miss slighted, I mind it
I’m stuck in the rainAnd I don’t know where I am
And I don’t know what I’m into
And I don’t know what I’ve done to meAnd as I watch you disappear into the ground
My one mistake was that I couldn’t let you down
So I’ll waste my time and I’ll burn my mind
On miss nothing, miss everythingMiss everythingAnd as I watch you disappear into my head
Well, there’s a man who’s tellin’ me I might be dead
So I’ll waste my time and I’ll burn my mind
So I’ll waste my time and I’ll burn my mind
On miss nothing, miss everything

Listen to/ watch the Audio/ Video blog entry on Youtube:

It hurts

It hurts. I like to be alone when I hurt. Lick my wounds in silence, because monsters can smell weakness and they live all around us.

“Its only a thought and a thought can be changed,” says Louise Hay.

My tendency to isolate is problematic. My tendency to ignore my emotions and keep myself out of touch with myself is even more so. But who wants to write about every single memory? Who wants to remember anyway? Who wants to bleed if bleeding isn’t necessarily necessary? Or maybe it is. Who knows. All I know is that I miss him. I miss his eyes. I miss his lips. I miss his breath. I miss his skin. I miss his kisses. And then I think I never had much of that at all the past few years… It was like being divorced whilst being married, being together, but worlds apart. That hurt.

I still wonder, sometimes, why I miss him and then I wonder why it didn’t work out. Why couldn’t he just… Why couldn’t I just… Why couldn’t we just… Why couldn’t the world just… It was supposed to be a fairytale, happily ever after, forever after. And then forever ended before it was time and now I’m left with…painful memories of a life that would’ve been everything.

How do I even begin to forget this hurt? How long will it hurt? How often? What am I supposed to do to work through it? Please someone, anyone just tell me what to do, because I always know, but this time I don’t.