Its been about 4 months since I walked away from my first kiss, forever love, now ex-husband… And it has hurt. I’m not gonna lie. I still crinch when I think of all the pain I still have to deal with. And to be honest I haven’t been coping in the healthies of ways…

I’ve had many men over…but I’m not getting what I need…I never do. They just become names and faces that blur into a blurry past with the rest of my thoughts that I’m too afraid to face. Being vulnerable is really daunting. But I think I might be strong enough. I hope so.

Anyway, I’m taking a break from men for awhile as I can actually notice that its affecting me negatively. I’m starting to feel…I guess, the need to protect myself? Is that good or bad? I am not sure, but I’m done with just using and being used… I’m ready to attempt to take care of myself. Don’t hold your breath.

So its been a pretty rough ride the past couple of weeks -not gonna lie. And today I think it just all came crashing down when it started sinking in… And its such a lonely space to be in… It feels like no one will ever understand your pain and your pain will never heal and everything is hopeless… Which is where I am once again reminded how thankful I actually am for this blog…

Yes, I can write down all my depressing stories, bleed on these pages through poetry and write about my less than ideal situation and feelings, but I can also be reminded that life is full of ups and downs and that I’ve always made it again in the past – why would this time be any different? I can look through my wall of wisdom, my compliment corner, my motivation mirror and take heart…once more… Just once more… So I can live to fight another day. Which is why I am proud of me for contributing to my wall of wisdom today, even after everything… I’m still here and I’m still breathing…

Even if they say nothing else, at least let them say that I never gave up…

Ariel Hopewhispers

Help.

I lost myself

Inside myself

Again

And its so hard to remember

Me

Who is that even

and does it matter

Do not let me be

but let me go

and lets see

if I’ll ever know

myself ever again

See when I was with him

He was there

I had someone to serve

Someone to stand by

believe in

support

Build a life around

A home

And now?

Now he is gone

and me with him

An empty shell

A person I don’t know

A life I don’t want to live

So much confusion

Is what I am left with

And I’m scared

I’m so scared

to be honest

I’m to scared to think

or live or breathe

more than one breathe at a time

Yet I wonder,

How I wonder

Who the hell am I?

Again???

I swear to God one day I will have a man like this in my life! Thanks for sharing @reluctantpoet. Your new theme song is a fantastic anthem of hope. And why not hope? It could happen… Even for me…

Last night I found half a bottle of tequila…so I drank half of it, whilst chatting to a friend on video call. It was fun. Although I did end up masturbating on video for the first time ever. Was an interesting night. This morning I was on a video call for a soft launch of a magazine I’m being featured in. I hosted the event together with the about 13 other mentors… It was fun, but early!!!

Today I put on make up for the first time after the divorce…and dressed properly in corporate clothing (well atleast the top parts of me that could be seen on the video!). It was nice, but no matter how far this goes I’ll always remember not to take life too seriously… If we were meant to take this seriously we would be given better instructions…

Did you know that Louise Hay says that the people in our lives are mirrors of ourselves? The people you love, reflect the aspects that you love about yourself to you. The people you dislike reflects the parts of yourself that still needs to heal… I am willing to consider this thought.

I feel like I’ve never been this confused and I’ve never seen this clearly. Perhaps the sky is blue? Perhaps I’m just looking through a lookingglass. I’m not sure, but I’m having the time of my life. I think. I’m not sure… I really do hope this works out for my small business though. If I can just finally be successful in business…just once…that will be so fantastic. I mean I’m pretty sure it will. I have an excellent team behind me. I’m so thankful for them. Entrepreneurship in Covid times are hard though.

And…this week my opinion on relationships is that I do want one…but it needs to be a fairytale. And I’m not going to look for it actively. If it happens while I’m living life it happens… And I guess if I’m meant to age alone I can be okay with that too… It’s just gonna be a bit different than I imagined…. It would be so nice though…to find a man to love. Just like that perfect warm and cozy love in which more love grows… I would love to experience that, but I won’t obsess about that – it just messes with ones judgement.

Perhaps I could find some more love for myself within myself first… I still struggle with that, but today I actually let myself rest when I got tired even though I was high on adrenaline and had a million things to do and was completely anxious enough to keep going through the night. I didn’t… Instead I put on “Somewhere only we know” and I danced like I never quit ballet way back when. It was really nice.

After dancing I stopped to do some yoga for text neck by Adrienne. That was also really good. Then I wanted to just close my eyes and fall asleep, but I sense a sad little lost girl inside of me…just standing there, inside a white cold passage inside my heart, just staring at me…So much sadness… So much hurt… So much loneliness… No little girl should’ve ever had to experience that…but I did.

I can remember being about 3 years old (I wasn’t going to school yet) and enduring these EXTREME episodes of SEVERE loneliness. I did not know what it meant back then. I did not even know that what I was feeling was loneliness. I thought I was sick…nauseaos… So I would sit by the toilet…praying that I could throw up so I could just feel a little better… Crying because I knew I wouldn’t…. Its her… That lost little girl is still sad somehow. And I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t know how to fix it.. For once in my life.

I cannot tell her that she will be loved one day. I cannot tell her that her parents will start noticing her. I cannot tell her that she will have so much safety and so much hugs and so much attention for the rest of her life that she will never ever even remember how it feels to feel like this. I cannot tell her that because I would be lying, but I have to tell her something. What do I do?

Every emotion starts as a thought. All you have to do to change the emotion is to reframe the thought. Easy. Is what they lady on the youtube video said… Sure… Easy. You go through a divorce with a husband that now hates you while you’re being pushed and pulled to step up as a leader in your own business and all you want to do is hide your face in a frozen lake, have it frozen stiff and never show anything but a frostbitten mask to the world ever again…

Sigh, I’m being overdramatic again, but hear me out… Last night I was happily pushing and working until much later than I usually would. And ofcourse I got tired and ofcourse that wasn’t the problem. I’m used to working hard. But when I got into bed afterwards… OH MY GOODNESS… It felt like a stonecold hand had reached inside of my chest and was twisting my heart. I couldn’t breathe. Whomever said emotions aren’t physically painful was an idiot. This hurt! I felt such a need for my husband… just a need to be loved, to be worthy of love…but so intensely…and I just started crying…and it was so lonely…and I felt so desperate…

And the sun came out this morning but last night… Last night it felt like it was never going to ever rise again. You know when you’re desperately trying to sign up for some kind of divorce coaching course and online therapy at midnight at night and the website tells you that it doesn’t want you to sign up because you’re WAY past the point where that would help… Yeah, that was me last night. That is how you find out what your soul is really made of. I saw inside of myself last night and it scared the shit out of me.

I wonder how many more nights like this I’ll endure in this lifetime still?

And then the sun rose way too quickly this morning and I was angry…because I was hurt… I guess anger is a natural response to hurt… Well I was so angry I worked like a demon… I have something to fight, or nothing to lose now…I’m not sure which one is true, but it felt good to throw all that negative energy into a fire of work and work and work and work…

And now its night again… Please God just let me fall asleep soundly… I don’t want nightmares tonight. I just want just a little bit of rest. If its not to much to ask just a tiny little bit of peace. Please.

Amen.

Listening to ASMR from Frivolousfox tonight… My mom used to sing me asleep when I was very very small… It’s one of my only fond memories of being small… Its a sad kind of comfort.

Morning Sunshine,

I guess you’re wondering how I write posts that spill over with tears, blood, gore, shame, guilt and hopelessness and still keep going? I often wonder the same. Especially since my rock, my foundation, the person I attached myself to so I would have atleast some form of stability, left….Or ummm I guess I left him…but he left me first emotionally… Anyway…

I know many of my posts have been dark, to say the least, filled to the brim with sadness, twisted anger, fury, hurt and pain… I guess I’m starting to finally be capable of living…with my shadow self, which is good? Perhaps true strenght comes from being capable of recognising all our emotions, offering each of them a seat in our heart and really sitting with them, listening to what they are saying, writing it down and then politely thanking them for stopping by…and wishing them a fond but firm goodbye…

It’s new for me, to be honest. I’m BPD, which means I’ve learnt from a young age to be scared of my own emotions, knowing I am ‘too much’ in pretty much all aspects. But being scared of and denying my own emotions is ironically the best way to gaurantee emotional instability for myself and those that depend on me… And a lot of people depend on me these days.

To be honest my shadow self still scares the shit out of me most of the time. How can anyone be THAT SAD? Experience THAT MUCH PAIN? Love THAT MUCH? But I CAN. And it’s time for me to not only face, but accept and embrace that fact, I think. YES I am TOO MUCH. YES, I experience emotional intensity that would leave the rest of you normal people breathless, a couple of times each and every single day. And YES, that is because I am strong enough, woman enough, human enough to do so.

Which then explains why I’m feeling so strong, positive and stable this morning…. After working with my deepest, darkest self and emotions intensively the whole weekend…I am ready to accept, and accept that I am healing from it too. And that fills me with a HOPE of which I cannot even begin to describe the intensity in words. I’m positive this morning. I’m strong this morning. I’m together this morning. I’m ready this morning. Let’s do this.

She was a lioness. When she rose, nations followed. Where she spoke, tribes would form. She was confident and kind, clearly aware of her worth. She made decisions gentlry, but firmly steering the people that chose to follow her in the right direction. She worked harder than everyone else, but she loved herself for it. She understood that she deserved as much unconditional love as she so freely bestowed on those around her. Around her, people blossomed.

She was incredibly smart, a leading intellectual. She lead them firmly, fiercely, forward. She never quit. She was a visionary. She managed change brilliantly. People felt safe with her. When she spoke, people listened. She was widely respected.

Positive Affirmations that are going to get me there:

• I am a number-chrunching, creative genius solutions machine. Problem-solving aint got nothing on me
• Girl – you got this. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.
• I am on fire with passion for my business and my team.
• My team is going to conquer worlds on my instruction.
• I speak with conviction.
• I am sure of myself.
• I consider all the facts, weight all the options, and make decisions that serve us best in the scneario in which they are presented.
• I know that whatever happens. I will be able to deal with it. I lead us safely forward, even in the biggest blizzard.
• I plan meticulously. My ducks are always in a row. My team is always provided with every single resource they could need.
• I make the decisions that make the tomorrow’s possible for all of us.
• I take the lead.
• I am a fearless leader.
• When I rise, nations follow.
• I am a lioness.
• I am a responsible leader.
• I give direction – firm, but gentle.
• My team loves me.
• I am surrounded by love.
• I love myself unconditionally
• Where I walk, money follows
• I create abundance everywhere I go
• I walk firmly forward everyday
• I am grit and determination.
• I find beauty everwhere I go and this inspires people.
• I am perceptive as hell
• I am a safe haven for myself and my team
• I am calm and confident
• I radiate authority
• Everything I touch turns to gold
• Trust me, you want me on your side
• Follow me and prosper
• Authority is permission to act without asking permission while being held accountable.
• I engage and energize organizations.
• I exist to serve. The purpose of my authority is effectiveness and efficiency in everything we do.
• I live the values that feed this business
• I find it easy to focus energy and protect with boundaries.
• I learn from everyone around me while I lead. My team respects me for this.
• If you want to survive you should let me lead.
• I celebrate the competence of others without degrading my own role.
• I focus more on where we’re going than on what went wrong.
• I am confident, but not domineering, empathetic but not weak
• I always explain what we are doing and why.
• I work hard, am knowledgeable, am confident and produce results. That is why I lead.
• I know and can point out my contribution to this company. I know my worth and I broadcast it proudly.
• I know what I have done to deserve their respect and I am not fearful of pointing this out when necessary.
• I am open to changing my leadership approach based on what does and does not work. My flexibility is one of my greatest strenghts.
• I am my own best friend. With me in my corner, I can reach the stars
• I listen to what my clients and team have to say and make the call to implement change where necessary. This earns me authority and respect from both co-workers and clients.
• I project a sense of confidence, professionalism, and single-mindedness about getting my job done, which is why I am naturally seen as ‘the boss’.
• I do not doubt myself and so other do not doubt me.
• I know that I am the best choice in leadership for this company.
• I am proud of my CV. I have worked hard for it and deserve to showcase it.
• I am proud of the third party credibility I have established for myself in this world. My clients love, respect and trust me because of who I am.
• I am knowledgeable, fair, compassionate and firm.
• I have built a professional persona that people will remember
• I have an undeniable entrepreneurial spirit.
• I am a responsible leader.
• I am a good leader and therefore I am constantly developing
• I’ve developed the skills that develop leader capacities, namely situational awareness, calmness under pressure, mental flexibility, and positive thinking. This is why I am a good leader.
• I motivate people by showing how their work fit into the bigger picture of the company.
• I know how to maximize the commitment of my people to the goals and strategy of the organization.
• I am an authoritative leader, which means that I earn respect, I don’t demand it.
• I direct my people with unwavering conviction and dedication.
• I believe that my strategy is the most effective, and therefore I lead my people toward that vision fearlessly.
• I am capable of exercising firm decisions in high-pressure situations, but I am also highly aware if the method is counterproductive.
• I accomplish projects quicly and efficiently
• I set rigid rules when necessary to keep my business out of harms way
• I am intentional about when and how I make demands of my people
• I speak and act with the confidence of my position
• I know I don’t have to get angry or upset because I have the tools and authority necessary to resolve problems
• Iknow that addressing problems head-on is a key part of my job, and I act accordingly.

This woman is absolutely brilliant. Stunning in her vulnerability. Inspiring because of her realness. For a dancer, like me, knowing that there are women out there who aren’t afraid to not look like barbie’s, but who still dance unashamedly…that is freedom… One day… I will dance again. Watch this space.