Perspective and the pieces of me that died

Hey You,

I feel like a piece of me died when I left my ex husband. I am worried that I will never be able to love again.

At the moment I am kind of in a relationship with a new person. He is wonderful, but its not the same. I’m not in love. I could LOVE him. He is LOVEABLE. I SHOULD be able to fall in love with him and love him, but the truth is… I’m not in love and I don’t love him.

I care about him. I think he is a great person. I want to fall in love with him… and at the same time there is something so broken inside of me… I’m not sure if I even still have the capacity for love. This makes me very sad. What makes me even more sad is thinking that for him, it is probably the same, because he was in love before and he was forced to leave her as well and I know that broke him into a thousand pieces.

How can you ever love again after that? Is there life after love?

When I met my ex-husband it was like I was struck by lightning. I know he felt the same when he met his ex. I was so in love. Everything was rosy and beautiful. The sky became more blue. The world was a better place. All I wanted to do was be with this person.

Everything was fun and funny. We had the best adventures. We held hands. My love was returned. We wrote poems to each other. We declared our undying love for each other. We painted together. We faced tough times together and survived. Everything was worth fighting for. I could climb mountains and survive being drowned by life because he was there and he was my everything. Everything.

And now he’s gone.

Slowly, over the years, while I stayed in love, he started falling out of love with me. It was evident in the way he treated me, but I didn’t want to notice. We stopped holding hands. We stopped going on adventures together. He stopped wanting to have sex. He told me everything was my fault and that God was angry with me. He alienated me from God, my family, friends and most of all…from myself.

I stopped taking care of myself. I started feeling very lonely and eventually worthless to the point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I still loved him. Things got worse. I would try to cook for us. He would refuse to eat the food I made. I would work 16 hour days, he would do nothing but sleep and drink and play games or whatever.

I felt resentful, but I made excuses in my head for him until the resentment went away. I would spent nights worrying about when he is coming home, if he is coming home. We never did fun or nice things together anymore. I bought a datebox subscription. He refused to complete the datebox tasks with me.

I kept working. I cut my hair short. I never wore makeup. I wasn’t pretty anymore.

Then the physical abuse started. A lot of shouting and being yanked around. I didn’t feel safe. And that one night when I went to fetch him we got into an argument and things got really bad. Our next door neighbour had to intervene. I was so glad that the next door neighbour was here because I was terrified.

He stood over me shouting and kicking at me. Like i was worthless, like he hated me, like everything was somehow my fault. I still loved him. I still remained loyal. I still worked hard. I tried everything. I paid for his therapy, my therapy and couples therapy. Nothing worked. Nothing brought back the man that I had fallen in love with, the man that I was fighting for was gone.

And then on that morning we had spent the night arguing. He wanted the tenants to leave so it would be just us in the house. I didn’t want that to happen. I was afraid. He picked up the phone and called my parents to tell them that I had gone crazy and they need to have me committed.

My dad said to leave my clothes, grab my wallet, get an uber and get on the next plane out of there. I obeyed. I left. My ex told the tenants and the neightbours and my business partners that he had sent me to my parents to have me committed. He also called my psychologist, the one that had helped me deal with my traumatic childhood and told her that I was crazy. He called the one friend I had and told her too.

Everyone believed him, except for the one tenant (the one that saved me that night), my one friend (whom I had met when we were both in a mental hospital recovering from our traumatic childhoods) and the psychologist who had treated me. The psychologist phoned me to check that I was okay and tell me about his weird behaviour, the friend told him she had spoken to me already and I was fine, the tenant, well he was there for me throughout this whole process although he desperately wanted me to come back and not permanently move back in with my parents.

He was so sweet. He was the only person that really helped me through all of this. Even my parents were considering if maybe I had gone crazy or not. They actually called the tenant to confirm that I was not crazy.

But I never fell out of love with my ex. And now I’m in a new relationship with the tenant (the one that saved me that night and that was there for me throughout and that continues to be there for me), but I’m struggling to love him.

Why is that? Will I ever recover from this? Are you sad for me? Are you hopeful? How do you feel about my story and how it could possibly turn out? Please let me know. I could really use a friend right now.

Recovering from burnout and a small turtle

At some point during today I was feeling so depressed and hopeless. It felt like all that was left to do for me was to start taking my anti-depressants again.

But now, my best friend, had her baby and I was reminded of the important things in life. I have a massive headache and I was tired and struggling through the last of today. I think that’s because I went to bed late last night.

But I managed to do some washing today, which is odly something that makes me feel really proud of myself.

I also went for another walk and I even did some yoga and made time for crochet.

I feel like I am starting to take better care of myself

My productivity hasn’t improved yet, and, compared to my normal workpace, its still really bad, but I kinda feel like that is okay. At least I’m getting pieces of myself back. And I have hope that I’ll get back to full capacity soon.

Suffering from burnout is really not nice, but I’m grateful for small wins.

I’ll get there.

For now I’m just going to curl up into a ball and make myself cozy, listen to a sleep meditation and drift off into dreamland.

Goodnight awesome person. Let me know if you’ve ever suffered from and had to recover from burnout whilst life was still going full steam ahead? How did you do it?

Ps: I saw a small turtle when I took my dog for a walk today. It was SO tiny, tinier than the palm of my hand. A total baby turtle. It made me smile.

So I promised I would check in more often

Hey You,

So I promised I would check in more often. This is me doing that.

Apparantly I had a dream last night about an Eric person. I said “No, Eric, don’t do it like this” or something. I don’t know an Eric so that’s weird. However, it wasn’t a nightmare or otherwise I would’ve remembered it, so I’m grateful.

It feels awkard to check in everyday though. I’m kind of thinking like WOW, that’s a lot about me. How can I spend this much time talking about me, but I did say I’d try to do this so.. and I guess it is good that I practice being more aware of myself…

So let’s see…

Today I felt very unsure of myself. It felt like I’m not sure of what I’m supposed to be thinking or feeling. I wasn’t sure whether or not I am loveable or worth loving.

I also discovered that I feel like if I don’t achieve something for the day, I shouldn’t be loved for the day.

That is heartbreaking, isn’t it?

So I guess my work is to be a rebel and start loving myself anyway… break the rule and just love myself.

I walked for 15 minutes today – to the shop and back, because my car is still being fixed and because I started a wellness challenge with the entrepreneurs in my tribe. I’m supposed to do 15 minutes of movement per day for the next 10 days and apparantly that habit will start building a whole lot of positive change in my life.

I didn’t get time to crochet today and its already past bedtime. That makes me sad. And it makes me feel like I should’ve done better today. At the same time I did a lot today.

I spoke to a prospective new monthly client. I did a lot of Linkedin farming (marketing). I read and actioned all the emails and whatsapps. I mean, I didn’t get everything on my list done, but I did do a lot. I trained someone on how to do the graphics and social media posting for our Youtube Channel so that work will hopefully get done without me in the future.

I also had a productive coaching session with our business coach. I’m wondering if he is mad at us. I don’t know maybe I’m just being paranoid. I hope he still loves us.

I spent 15 minutes on Wysa working on positive thinking. It helped make me feel a lot better than I was feeling.

I think my self-esteem is really low and I’m kind of contstantly wondering if I’m good enough. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. Have you ever felt that way?

I need to start thinking kinder thoughts about myself. I’ll get there.

I did make myself tea. And I let myself have a bath with the calming music playing in the background so I’m trying to be nice to myself.

My partner’s ear is hurting and I think he is getting a headcold.

I am worried about not having everything under control, not getting through my to-do list everyday. Apparantly its normal to not get through your to-do list – if you do, you have problems – that’s what my business coach said. I guess the key is just to look after yourself and be as productive as you can be. Hope for the best…work as hard as you can, but also take care of yourself.

I’m not 100% yet. I can feel that. But I’m doing much better than last week at least I’m sure.

I also had a call with my family. It was nice. I love them. I’m glad things between us are getting resolved. Life’s too short to live with too many regrets.

I am stressed because there are a lot of big things I want to get done and one big thing I need to get done and I’m not sure if I actually will be able to.

The thing is emails and whatsapps take a long time to resolve everyday. There is so many clients, so many people that want to talk to me on a daily basis that need things from me. When you add all the 5 minute tasks together it can eat up the whole day very quickly! I wonder if I can do emails and whatsapps every second day.

How do other business people do it?

Tomorrow I’ll try what my business coach suggested – starting with a solid two hours of solid work on something big, then meetings will happen and in between I’ll just have to get to the whatsapps and emails I can get to. The rest will have to wait.

But I’m not gonna let work eat my whole day when I do this. Tomorrow I want to make time for meditation, crochet, walking / moving and updating my blog again so that will be priority over emails and whatsapps.

I have to write out a list of all the tasks that need to be done to make my business function on a daily basis – that is coaching homework. I think I’ll do that first. After that I’ll start working on the document I want to make that explain the benefits of being one of our clients. Everything else must filter in between.

I’m too tired to update my planner book now, but maybe I should just quickly do it.

Anyway, how are you doing?

Thanks for listening. It does help to have someone to talk to about these mundane things. 🙂 I do feel a little bit calmer everytime we speak :).

Lots of love,

Ariel

My New Partner’s Son crashed my car into a pole

Hey You!

I’m so sorry I haven’t checked in for such a long time… What can I say… life got busy… again.

Anyway, how’ve you been?

I’d really like to commit to writing more regularly to you. I really need more good friends in my life and also more helpful discussions.

About a week ago I experienced the most horrible burnout symptoms . I had headaches and I felt like… why am I even trying? Everyone just wants to take everything from me as soon as I create it so I might as well just give up now if I don’t do something about it.

The reason why I felt like this was because my new partner’s son crashed my car into a pole. It was such a shock. I wasn’t mad at him but I did expect that either him or at least my new partner would deal with the consequences (aka get the car fixed), but instead my new partner spent all his time making his son feel ‘better’ about the crash, like it was normal, which I guess is good parenting, but I just ended up feeling left out, lonely and used.

Right now my new partner is carrying out the repairs on the car. I had to pay for the tools and materials for the repair, but at least my partner is fixing it. The son said he would help with the repair, but I haven’t seen him lift a finger to help his dad. He did help clean the house though.

The son eventually said he would’ve paid for the repairs if he could, but he didn’t have any money in his account. The reason for that is that he doesn’t have a job and he is too busy playing playstation the whole day to find one.

He eats a lot too. I bought muesli on Tuesday and had like one or two helpings. Today when I checked the muesli was done. Its a difficult sitation. The kid is fresh out of school and I feel so much empathy for my partner. It must be killing him that he needs to get this kid to launch, and at the same time he just wants to keep the kid close and have a family (I think). I think if I was in his situation that is how I would feel.

Anyway, this has been causing a lot of emotional turmoil on my side. Because you know how hard I work. I’m literally always working, just to try to get a little bit ahead in life – but it feels like I’m paddling, paddling to keep from drowing and then everytime I get close to the surface an extra weight gets added to my ankles. Like someone keeps moving the goalposts and I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up.

And I want to shout and kick at them and say “Can’t you see I also get tired? Can’t you see how close I am to giving up? Don’t I deserve just at least a little bit of a break? Just take the extra weight away!” But I can’t, because in this case the extra weight is a kid.

All I can do, is try to take better care of myself, try to communicate how I’m feeling, try to communicate the facts and the boundaries and then keep paddling for dear life.

I really hope I will get somewhere someday soon though. I also feel that it is extra bad because I’ve been paddling for so long… My ex-husband didn’t work. I was forced to resign from my cushy uni lecturing job. I ended up becoming an entrepreneur. I did okay. I tried to bring people into the business to help me. I lost all my savings. I got partners on board who were happy to do as little as possible while I do most of the work but we got paid the same salaries from the business I started!

You know what, I guess I am mad at myself for letting all of that happen. I didn’t protect myself at all and I just kept making excuses for all the people around me. And I got taken advantage of, again and again and again. And the results of that is that… I’m still paddling.

And I’m close to drowning and even though there is, for the first time in my life, so many hands reaching out trying to help me reach the surface, I’m not sure if I’ll make it. Even more so I’m not sure if I even trust the hands that are trying to help me because what if all they actually want to do is take more from me.

I don’t even have that much more left to give… How much more could you possibly want to take from me?

I’m deeply sad over what happened to me and I’m angry that I let it happen.

And I feel ashamed that I let it happen. And I feel uncertain about what I am supposed to do to not let it hapen again.

I feel like a failure, useless, like everyone else is just so much more equipped to live life and there’s useless little me… just trying to love everyone and everybody and just getting hurt and used over and over again.

I’m trying to protect myself this time by communicating to my new partner how I feel and what needs to change. I know he also wants his kid to get a job. But how do I tell him.. like hey listen… are you just trying to use me? Can I even trust you?

And what if I say that and he leaves and then I have… what? Just a whole lot of tired to show for life.

Ugh, I hate it when I’m feeling this depro.

So these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. It actually feels good to write it out. So you tell me… am I being too much? What am I supposed to do? Give up on life, move back home and just try to avoid life for the rest of my life? That’s not an option..

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to try to check in with you more often, hopefully daily… just letting you know what I’m thinking and feeling and experiencing. Maybe you can save me? I doubt it but you’re pretty much all I got.

At the same time… this chick on Youtube did say that it is important to journal like this and also to try to identiy your thoughts and feelings. That’s another thing I’m gonna try doing… I want to listen to her videos to try to increase my emotional intelligence… maybe I’ll do better at life then.

What I also want to do is try to increase my emotional vocabulary… So maybe tomorrow I’ll research and publish an emotional cheat sheet.

If you’re reading this, I would appreciate any supportive comments / advice / perspective.

Lots of Love,

Me

Redesigning my Life

I’m tired.

I am fedup with things. I’m not achieving my goals fast enough.

My life is a whirlwind. Nothing makes sense. I feel ungrateful.

This is the unhelpful space of mind I’ve been finding myself in the past week or so.

I’m finding it difficult to get up, go on, do things, be happy and I’m stressed all the time. I think I’m burnt out.

What lead me here? Definitely a lack of boundaries and understanding where I want to go with my life.

If you don’t know here you’re going…any road will take you there.

So I want to fix that, but how? I’ve got no clue, honestly, but I’m hoping that by forcing myself to write my way through this, I’ll somewhow find some hope, a new perspective and a life worth living. Because at the moment, I don’t feel like my life is worth living at all. I don’t like it. It just keeps going on. There’s no clarity, no direction, there’s a constant stream of people wanting things from me and a business partner that I love, am sleeping with and at the same time, struggle to understand and communicate with.

I need to get back to basics. I know there is a strong, calm, woman inside of me somewhere that is wise and that can deal with this, but at the moment it just doesn’t feel like it.

Maybe if I start small. Let me brainstorm a bit about what my ideal life looks like….

Well, I think I would like to create courses for a living. I enjoy learning. I enjoy learning to the point where I can teach something. I don’t enjoy being responsible for a class of people. I don’t enjoy managing things, managing people or having to be on my phone 24/7. I hate that. No wonder I’m miserable. That’s basically my job right now.

I’d like to dance. I want to be able to pay for dance classes and dance retreats and just spend my days dancing, not worrying about tomorrow. I want to go rockclimbing. I want to see the world. I want to do new things. I want to learn to communicate. I want to be loved. I want to make someone happy.

I’m a good teacher. I can create content worth engaging with. I don’t like selling. I need to build people into the business that is going to take the relationship away from me, manage the things, manage the people, manage the relationships and leave me alone so I can learn and create courses for a living and engage with people when I choose to do so.

For the first time in my life I’m in a position where that position seems reachable. How do I get there?

I can keep on trying to get more accounting courses to teach – those are kind of paying for living right now. On top of that I can talk to my business partner about what I’d like to be responsible for in the business and he can help me get there. I need to stop thinking that he doesn’t care or that if something in the business is not being taken care of that it is automatically my job to step in and start doing that.

I can start creating the courses I want to end up getting paid for. If I dedicate 60 minutes per day to that then I will be producing courses on a regular basis.

Then I think I need to keep checking in with myself. If I don’t I get lost. So I got to come to this blog site more often. I don’t always have to write, even just reading some of the things I wrote before will remind me of who I am and what I am trying to achieve. Its a fun space to be in anyway.

I can update my goals, maybe make a healthy habits goal page, research some things that will help me achieve my goals and write about those… The sky is the limit, but I think I need to dedicate at least 60 minutes per day to just checking in here. Atleast while I’m in this emergency burnout space.

Then I need to deal with my stress better. I got to this unhelpful space by taking no breaks, and doing nothing other than work for a very long time, telling myself that I was doing what is necessary, but what if it isn’t? What if, what is actually necessary, is me taking a good, hard look at my life and creating a space that I can not only survive on a daily basis but want to live in…

How do I do that?

Yoga? I like yoga, but for some reason with the three people I’m living with at the moment, I don’t feel like I have a private space in which I ca do things for myself… Okay so if that is the problem, then what I need to do as soon as I get home is create myself a private beautiful space where I can do yoga, journal, be by myself, think about things… Okay I have a space in mind. I think this is possible. I can try do that. I must just remember.

Okay and then I can literally say to myself that I have to spend like a 60 minute time out session in this space every day… That will make a world of difference. Okay I like this. This makes me happy. LOL. Well, excited…

Another thing is boundaries… I want to live my life, that is beneficial to me. Other people are not allowed to steal my life or happiness any longer. I need to remember that. It is going to be hard, but not if I know what I want and where I am going and then remember that everything I do and allow in my life and around me is my choice, no one elses. I want to stop just doing things to please people. They can please themselves for a change.

I want to date the person in my life. I want to get to know him and make time to do fun things with him. We need money for this? Or maybe I can communicate this and we can think of things we can do together that would be fun for both of us? I would like that very much.

My head is really full of things. I kind of feel permanently overwhelmed. I should do some more meditation. Get more headspace.

Wow, so many surprising thought are coming out in this thought dump.

So let me review, for now I want to:

  • – Create a private play space for myself
  • – Spend more time checking in with this blog (myself) every day
  • – Build the business in such a way that I end up creating courses for a living and not managing things and people (I can talk to my business partner about this)
  • – Talk to my partner about finding something we can do together that is fun
  • – Do more yoga every day
  • – Do more meditation

I think I feel a bit calmer…

Creating an entrepreneurial lifestyle that works is so hard hey… Are there habits that you have built into your life because it helps you build your ideal entrepreneurial lifestyle? Tell me about them?

I lost her

She wasn’t planned, but she was supposed to magically fix everything. She would tie me to the perfect man, someone who would love and care for me for life.

She would give me a family, a place to belong, a purpose.

I had already dreamt about doing up her little baby room. Buying girlie toys… How I would teach her, play with her, love her.

I would be the perfect mom.

This would be another thing I could achieve at.

She was the reason for getting up in the morning, for working late, for being hyper motivated and super focused.

I would build my business for her her, conquer mountains for her, move the earth for her.

I would love her so much and she would always love me. We would go on grande adventures together. We would love each other forever.

But I had a miscarraige, and now she’s gone.

And I know its not my fault, but is it normal that I still sometimes feel a bit worthless? A bit useless?

This would’ve been the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I lost her… for good.

I know it happens to many woman. How do you cope?

My hormones are all over the place. So are my emotions. There’s a deep dark shadow that keeps creeping into all of my heart.

I try to move on, to be strong, to keep going, to use logic – we can try again, to focus on the positive – atleast he’s still here.

But the more I run from it, the more it creeps into my whole life. I just want to be fine again. How do I get there?

Honestly… I want to be more organized…

Hey You,

So here’s an idea for a writing prompt… for the next few journals I am going to focus on really digging deep and being brutally honest with myself about myself, my fears, my needs, wants and desires. I got this idea from the 7 Cups Website here: https://www.7cups.com/startup-support

Their winning equation for success as a startup is…

“Practical Skills (To tell the truth about what you don’t know) + Radical Self-Inquiry (Explore with vulnerability why we do what we do) + Shared Experience (Communicate both in a Safe Space (in a safe way)) = Enhanced Leadership + Greater Resilience = A greater chance to succeed in entrepreneurships”

So I’m starting with the “honestly” series…where everyday (I’ll try to do this everyday) I’ll pick one thing to tell the truth about…and it will be about something I don’t know or why I do what I do…just stripping back the bullshit of what we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

Anyway, let’s get going… the first one… I am a naturally messy person. I tell myself that this is okay. My mom is a naturally anxious over the top perfectly organised person. Around her I always felt like I couldn’t be organised…like I shouldn’t even try because I won’t get it close to perfect anyway… So I’ve been resisting getting organised…in my life, in my house, in my business… I make a lot of lists but I never spend time on prioritising them and figuring them out because as soon as I sit down to do that I hear my dad’s voice going on about “wasting time” on things that aren’t important.

In reality because I’m completely ignoring this “not important” task I end up confused and overwhelmed and my productivity suffers. So I need to acknowledge this and then make time to think about how to come up with a workflow system that I can spend 30 to 60 minutes a day on that will keep me from feeling overwhelmed, anxious and out of control.

Sigh… Lets see how this goes…By the way…anyone have ANY ideas??? Would so appreciate it! This is literally the area where I’m weakest at in life, and I’ve been trying to research but no solutions…

Notes on How to get Organised from Lavendaire…

Give yourself space to get organised. Organisation is a habit, not a once-off thing.

Set an admin day to review your week, declutter things, put things in calendar, organise to-do list…maybe Sunday?

Balance between:

Yin: Breaks, vacation, self-care, reflection

Yang: Hustle

Yin supports Yang

Keep things out of your head by brain dumping into a simple note app or notebook (whatever is easiest). Then worry about organising that information later.

Build a system you can trust to organise your workflow. Accept that this will require a lot of tweaking. You need to do what works for you. This may include:

  • A brain dump space
  • A to do list system
  • A project management system
  • A calendar

Keep the system as simple and accessible as possible, but effective at the same time.

There’s a productivity course on skillshare that covers how to build the perfect system for you. The link is in the description to the video and there’s a two month free trial… YAY!

Understand the difference between events and tasks.

Batch similar tasks together to prevent losing efficiency and wasting time and energy. For example set a time to run errands, to answer emails, to plan, to call, to write, to social media market.

Batch all 1 – 2 minute tasks together and do them as soon as possible.

Do the most important tasks first. Know your three most priority tasks for a day.

Learn to use the Eisenhower matrix to your advantage to filter your tasks and re-evaluate how you are spending your time. Focus on things that are important and not urgent.

Make time to make plans. Don’t just rush into everything. Schedule time for planning.

Process all your life inboxes regularly. Have a system to process these. For me these are emails, whatsapps

Put into categories:

  • Archive
  • Save for Later (Then this)
  • Short Task (Do second)
  • Important Stuff (Do first)

Plan your day the night before…a good time for planning is the night before your next day.

Who am I? The honest truth

Hey You,

When I started this blog on 22 April 2019, about 2 years back now, I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you. Honestly. I had no clue. The fact that I’m writing this now is such a win in itself for me. You should be proud of me. Are you?

I’m a 30 year old female entrepreneur. I find it difficult to work with people and have relationships with them. I find it easy to get things done and learn new things. I’m an academic to the core. I love learning, and challenging my thoughts and the perceptions of the world. I’m a rule breaker, not a rule follower.

I don’t like to-do lists. I’m the most unorganised entrepreneur I know. I recently divorced my ex-husband of 12 years. I believed he was the one, but when things turned violent and I couldn’t do my work anymore I had to do the very hard thing of looking at reality and being honest about the sustainability of the situation. It just wasn’t possible, in reality, to be with him anymore. So I left. I was heartbroken and I cried a lot at first. The first week I cried every night. After that I haven’t cried as much as I probably should have.

I’m a creative soul in my most simplest form. I love writing – poetry, stories. I love painting. Drawing is fun too. Sculpting is really fun but super expensive. I have the ability of losing myself and finding myself all at once when I’m painting.

I want to be successful at entrepreneurship because it would prove that I am worth it. I’m such an overachiever. I’m very insecure. I don’t feel I am worth much, yet I desire to be worthy more than anything on this planet. I desire to be loved, cherished, kept safe. I want to have a family. Right now I won’t be able to afford one.

I’m very hard on myself. Most days it feels like I should be doing better. I value honesty, integrity and the simple things in life. I’m passionate and spontaneous, open-minded and adventurous. I get up to so many new interesting things all the time. I am fun, unless I get stuck in work mode for too long – then I’m really not!

I find startup life extremely difficult. It’s a lonely difficult space where everything is uncertain, nothing comes easy, there are no off days and at the same time there’s this carrot being dangled in front of you that if you succeed, unlike 95% of other startups, you could have everything you ever wanted…

I’m emotionally unintelligent. In fact, In fact I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was neglected and abused as a child. Still, I love my family very much, at the same time they strike fear into my heart. I’m still attempting to learn how to be a good human that can regulate her own emotions… Its very hard for me, especially when things spin out of control.

Staying in control is a constant struggle. At the same time I have this monstrous fear of what would happen if I let go.

I want to have a dance studio one day, with lots of time off from business to spend in it. I want to dance hours upon hours away. I want to have a family that loves me one day, with a partner that is my equal. In order to get this I must go through the hell on earth called entrepreneurship and come out alive and thriving on the other side.

But I’m resilient. I never give up. Although I do get very low sometimes. I know I can do it. I know I can have it all.

This is my journey to getting there. I don’t know how long it will take, but in an attempt to keep myself accountable, engaged with myself, reflecting and learning whilst being brutally honest I’m keeping this blog. I can’t promise how often I’ll check in with you, but I can promise that I will always come back to you.

Even though I sometimes get lost and busy…this is my soul, its my heart, it reminds of who I am, its my space to just be myself…no judgement…and to get feedback from you… The you in this sense being, you (the person reading this right now), but also the inner parts of me that I tend to ignore on a daily basis – the authentic me.

That is why its important for me to keep this anonymous. You must know, if you’re reading this, we’ll never meet in real life, face to face, but at the same time you’ll know everything about me – my deepest, darkest secrets, my most monstrous fears, my wildest desires, my strongest hopes. All of it. That’s why we can never meet. But you’ll share my successes, you’ll know my heart, and when I fail or am down, you can count on me coming back here to mope and cry and find the strength to carry on.

I’m glad I wrote this post today. Is there anyone out there that can relate? Anyone that has any feedback at all? I would love to hear it. I’m keen to find a community here that cares about my journey. A voice, after all, is only a voice, if someone hears it, right? That is why I can’t just write these things up in a personal journal. I have a desire to be heard I guess. To be seen and understood. To find comfort in the words and struggles of others…

If you have a blog similar to this one by the way, where you share your journey, please pop it in the comments down below. I’d love to read it. Reading about the trials and tribulations of others is therapy in itself.

With lots of love.

Yours in the real raw entrepreneurial journey,

Ariel

Standing still with your hair on fire

Hey You…

I’m so sorry I’ve been ignoring you! I guess for the longest time now…things have been just very NEW and I’m not sure about what I’m doing. So me being me and having the emotional intelligence of a slug… I decided to stop doing my therapy sessions, stop checking in with you, just ignore all the emotions as far as possible and just try to live in the moment…

This has resulted in me having a mini-meltdown…where I’m so anxious, confused, frustrated… there is just so many emotions that I haven’t dealt with and they’re all trying to come out all at once..making me even more…tired, demotivated. I’m struggling to function now.

I was trying to be strong for my new partner… He hasn’t been functioning or pulling his weight in the business… so I decided to not say anything… just sweep it under the rug…bottle up my resentment.. you know like ‘good girls’ do.

And that hasn’t worked. The more I give him space to do less…the less he does. THe less he does the less he knows the more irritated I become the harder I work the less patience I have the more hurt he feels the more fear of abandonment I have. And while all of this is going on neither of us are focusing on our baby business.. The less we focus on our baby business the less we achieve the less I achieve the harder I work the more demotivated I feel the more real my fear of failure becomes the more stressed I am the more stressed he is the more he distracts himself the harder I work… Its a vicious cycle. Is this what codependence is called? And how the hell did I get here?

I guess I’ve learnt a valuable lesson… Its never worth it to put the emotional shutters on… you might get some temporary relief and that really felt great, but at the same time…its like your driving a car but refusing to take the wheel… Its just stupid and you have no control over where you end up and once you’re there you don’t even know how you got there to begin with…

So I have to get back to You and Me…

So I started with finding a website called 7 cups of tea… I’m on there if you want to talk.. My username is Ariel Hopewhispers. https://www.7cups.com/startup-support/

I started with talking to two free listeners about my current situation. It made me feel a little calmer. I also asked my partner to take over on the business side from me for just a day or two…so I can focus on getting better…and he said yes… I’m currently doing the startup section on 7 cups… Its a self help resource that I’m really liking so far…

Here are my notes on the first video. I thought you’d like to see…

Anyway, I’ll try check in more regularly, okay? I promise I will. We’ll get through this… If we could get through divorce and 12 years of unhappy marraige we can get through this… I just need to practice making talking to you and listening to me and spending time on keeping myself emotionally healthy a priority… I need to, because I want to build a life worth living…

Can you relate? Have any suggestions for me at this stage? Just there and rooting for me..? Please reach out. I’d love the support.

Chat later. Yours in this messy entrepreneurial thing we call life…

Ariel

PS: I’m trying to think of questions that I could use as prompts to maybe start off every day with a journalling excercise… Good idea/ bad idea? Any suggestions for questions? Thank you!

Notes on Startup Life 7 Cups of Tea: Video 1

Lessons from disappearing into the fire pioneers talk:

Every morning he takes half an hour and reads a novel in the bath tub.

Just Be.

If you bring forth what is in you; what is in you will save you.

Freedom is scary. Freedom means that we are responsible for our own happiness. Freedom means that I’m not being dictated to by my demons.

Am I making this choice out of fear or love?

Keep your promises.

You have to be the adult you want your children to be. You need to make a different choice.

What are you afraid of?

How do I motivate someone without scaring the crap out of them? Call out the possibility of what exists within us… Hold people accountable. Don’t take out your fear on other people.

He thought I could do anything and as a result I thought I could do everything. Don’t lead with fear.

Morning ritual:

  • Coffee
  • Journaling
  • Excercise
  • Meditation
  • Then Email

Every failed experiment produces learning as long as you keep radical self-inquiry alive.

Calming your inner core is really, really important.

I hate my co-founder for not doing enough, how do I keep from bursting out?

First of all ask yourself the question: Why is it making me so angry? Because implicit in that question is the belief that you’re working too hard. Who is making that choice? Because if you worked at the same pace of your co-founder, maybe the company would fail…or maybe not. Maybe your co-founder doesn’t have the same level of anxiety as you do. Maybe their anxious about different things. What I would do is bring the two of you together and actually have a dialogue. The number one reason for failure in startups is co-founder conflict. You better work on your co-founder relationships.

You’re kicking ass, but being the CEO of a startup is f*cking hard. It can be lonely. Long hours. Constant demands. Never­-ending­-unforgiving­-to­-do ­lists. And no manual.

Another stunningly tragic epic video from The Pretty Reckless

I love the tragic blue cold scenery in stark contrast with the red dress. Her pale skin makes it even more striking.
Holding on to the last bit of hope inside.
Trying to numb the pain.
Wishing it was over.
Loss leads to anger.
Anger leads to thinking.
Which leads to despair.
Broken and vulnerable and no help is coming.
I can so relate to this new video released by The Pretty Reckless.

So maybe I should just admit it then; I miss him.

Hey You,

I’m visiting my parents at the moment and I guess I’m feeling a bit confused. I can’t stop thinking about this new man in my life. The last 7 months has been such a whirlwind rollercoaster, with the new business starting and running faster than I’ve ever seen another startup ever progress before.

We’ve been having sex pretty much every single day. It’s been great. At the same time I haven’t really had much time to myself, to think about me. I was kind of thankful that I didn’t have to…I mean there just wasn’t time… But now I’m visiting my parents and he isn’t here…and I cannot stop thinking about him. I’m not in love. I can’t be, but I miss the comfort of him, the safety, the familiarity…and I can’t help wondering if maybe, maybe, maybe….maybe we could just fall in love and be happy. That would be an amazing fairtytale ending to a story with a very tragic start… but who knows if I’m destined for a fairytale happy ending or a fairytale tragic ending or perhaps a bit of both?

I guess the only way to find out is to stay tuned… Anyway I discovered this music video by accident today whilst looking for more ASMR vids on Youtube…and I liked it… a lot…am resonating with it right now. Is it just me, or is there a certain comfort in tragedy too? Especially when its such a familiar space to be in?

Yours in Hope,

Ariel