Hey you…

You are going to be okay you know? You’re gonna be just fine. (Brushes tears from cheek lovingly). Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, I need to listen and I need you to trust me please. YOU are going to be just fine.

You just lost your favorite person honey that’s all. That is what hurts so much. Your heart is telling you that you won’t be okay on your own, that you’ve lost your home, that you’re a dog and you need your master, but that is simply not true. Your heart only thinks that it’s true because your heart has been traumatized before and it still carries some of the wounds… It doesn’t always remember v that you’re not 3 years old anymore, that you’ve lost your home (in fact you never had one) long ago and that you’ve been fine ever since. It doesn’t always realize how strong and powerful you’ve become… Or that your spirit is brave and your soul courageous. You are going to be your own home now darling. You can do it. You know how I know? Because you’ve been doing it successfully for the longest time… You just haven’t realised it… But now, now that I’ve pointed it out… Hopefully you do. I love you hun and you deserve love and all that’s good in the world. And you should love you too, because you are freaking awesome..

Hey you…

So today I spent virtually my while day playing theme hospital… Hiding from reality, hiding from everyone else, especially myself… I’m not a fan of my emotions… And as they lockdown days drag on I find it harder and harder to want to access those parts of myself.. I am aware of a distinctively uncomfortable feeling inside of me that I can’t quite place… This leads to thoughts of helplessness, hopelessness and a sense of being not good enough and yet unhinged. I’m afraid of my dark side. Aren’t you?

Hey you…

So my mind is still filled with anxious thoughts like, will anyone ever love me? Accusations like, you couldn’t even keep your husband… How is anyone else ever gonna love you? And harsh criticism from my superstrict authoritarian inner parent like… No one will ever love, you’re too fat and ugly… BUT at least now I am able to recognize these thoughts, and watch them pass like clouds in the sky… Perhaps challenging them if I’m up to it…

Which is why I am so proud of myself for the progress made today on my courageous curves project!! I was feeling super disgusting… Just fat and unattractive today… Because I’ve been eating carbs the whole of yesterday and today.. So I took action and convinced myself to work on my choreography for “I’m gonna show you crazy” anyway… And it paid off! This was the first video since the divorce and probably since ballet in which I could manage to look at myself and go… Yeah, you’re not perfect, hun but you’re not looking half bad… And btw I love the choreography…. So I am chuffed about that. Look I am not even near ready to put these vids up on YouTube but I am continuing working on them and the choreography… And one day I will… Until then everytime my scared inner teen asks me.. But how do you know you’re good enough? I have to answer, because I know honey… I just know. You’re beautiful because you’re real and because you dance from the heart and don’t let anyone ever convince you otherwise. Just keep going with it, you’ll see…

Also my brother said I look super professional so… That was awesome. He said I’m really good and he saw the video that I took with my laptop so it is super blurry… But he still said I’m good which I was so thankful for…

Tomorrow is Monday, but now it’s Sunday night and I am calm and I have tons of exciting things happening in the future to be excited for. It’s a good feeling.

Hey you…

I’m off to bed but I just had to tell you this before I fall asleep… Today is the first GOOD day since I left him knowing that I won’t be going back… He is still trying to destroy me, this week I had to rebrand my whole venture and get all new sites and vehicles up and running while in lockdown because of it BUT I am enjoying my work… And today I was alone for most of the day for a change and I loved it. I colored, snacked, watched survivor, choreographed a bit, spoke shortly to my 2 best friends over the phone and WhatsApp respectively, played Theme Hospital 2 (it is amazing! 😍), and watched Liewe Heksir and Pinocchio (childhood TV shows) with the lady that raised me… And when I lay down on my bed just now and recognised that I was feeling sleepy I also recognized something else, surprisingly… I was feeling content, perhaps even 50% happy. At one point recently it had felt like this wasn’t possible anymore.. So I had to record this…

My baby bird escaped yesterday, he has a girlfriend though so I think I managed to successfully save my first baby bird… He has a chance time be a big bird now… Because of me.

Also, I need to remember that resting and doing things just because it’s fun apparently relaxes one… I know it feels like what is the point even when I am in full blast work mode, but I need to remember I am a human not a computer. I mean, just look at how good today was for me… I can try to be a little kinder to myself by allowing myself these activities a bit more in life…

Also I don’t think I am in love with the guy that saved me from my abusive husband that one time (the one I had sex in the park with that day after the divorce…) Which is surprising… It is good. I am realising that it is much easier to stay on track and see everything clearly if you don’t go through the ‘love bombing’ phase and I think I am perhaps at risk of love bombing myself if that makes sense? Because my need for people is so great it is easy for me to “get obsessed” with my new favorite person, but this is not healthy… For me… As it impairs my ability to see things clearly and to have ‘normal’ stable relationships… So here is to hoping that now that I’ve learnt this I might have accidentally made my first real friend… And perhaps enabled myself to start healing and start forming healthy attachments to people that are grounded in reality, with good boundaries… Fantasy is good, but not with other people. If I write stories in my head or fill in the gaps or write away the flaws of other people in my head, I must realise that this is how and when I get myself into trouble. Instead I am going to practice accepting reality and real people as they are… A mystery, not under my control, a blessing and good or bad just the way they are… They can’t be and shouldn’t be changed, skewed or tampered with. It was a hard lesson to learn but one I think will spare me Mich heartache going forward. I dunno. Let’s see…

Night you… 🤗🤗🤗

If you’re a borderline you know exactly what I’m talking about… If you’re not… Imagine a million tiny caterpillars suddenly hatched dead in the center of your heart and have now started to slowly eat away at your flesh. This kind of loneliness feels similar to that. It’s like.. You know if you hurt a certain part of your body over and over and over again… In the beginning there is hurt, then there is pain, then the pain slowly turns into more pain and when it hurts so much that you think your brain is going to short circuit… You feel numb (just before you pass out). It’s that kind of loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness that makes you feel like you’re being murdered inside yourself, and you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, inside yourself… So no one hears.. And there’s so much of your blood all over the place it’s like a horror movie, but it happens inside of you so no one sees it… Ever. All that people sometimes see is… Years later… The remaining fear that flashes across a face and they won’t understand where it comes from or why it’s there. My parents have started their mental abuse and mindgames with me again… And this is what it feels like inside of me now. I feel stupid, I feel worthless, I feel judged, not good enough and trapped. It is so bad that I’ve even considered calling my ex and begging him to take me back… At least he was just one abusive person at a time… There are 3 of these.. And the worst is they don’t realize what they are doing… Or they do and they do not care. They’ve started planning me moving back into the house… Like we’re one big happy family… And I’m the retard kid that didn’t make it outside. All I know is ill rather die than stay here because staying here will mean death for me anyway. I told a friend about it today and she helped me identify the mental abuse and manipulation. She said they are trying to implode me so I won’t want to leave. She also said I should never let anyone kill my dreams. I deserve them.

I really hope that I can one day meet a gentleman that doesn’t mind me being different, doesn’t require me to feel inferior in order for him to feel superior. I wish I can meet someone that can cherish and appreciate and enjoy me. I just want to have fun, feel safe an secure, have sex and raise his babies, in that order… That’s all. I wouldn’t ask for much. I buy my own bread. I make my own plans. I can take care of him just as much as he can take care of me. I will love him forever, be loyal to the end, walk through fire just to make him smile… Swallow my pride, swallow his cum, make him smile… Often. I just want hugs and sex and laughter.. Is that too much to ask for? And why couldn’t my ex-husband just have that with me? Oh in the beginning it was wonderful, I was wonderful, everything he ever wanted…until I wasn’t anymore… I wasn’t good enough anymore… Not at all. Daily kisses turned to daily lashings… I never got hugs anymore because he didn’t like it… I tried to masturbate in front of him once. He told me I was disgusting. He never slept in the same bed as me.. He liked to stay up late and usually fell asleep on the coach… I was regularly too much, too little and just not good enough at all. It was like I had tricked him into marriage. He didn’t even try to make an effort to sleep with me on our honeymoon… Instead he got excited about a stripper and I got a new physical scar that I will carry around with me for life. I have to tell you though… I didn’t just love him, I adored him, I justified for him, rationalise for him. Even when other people pointed out that he treated me like shit I would assure them and myself that they didn’t know him, didn’t understand him, like I did… But I didn’t understand why the kisses had stopped, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t huggable anymore, I didn’t realize until it was very much too late that he didn’t love me anymore. And that broke me. That was one of my biggest mistakes.

Why are good men, really good men, so hard for me to find? I know I’m broken and not perfect, but I’m also successful, fairly pretty, entrepreneurial, intelligent, adventurous, independent, passionate and a caring honest good person… But that’s not what men want, is it? What do men want? Does it have something to do with the fear of women that Jack describes in his post: https://jackcollier7.com/2019/03/13/the-fear-of-women/ ?

Is that why I was caught with honey, lured in with promises of endless kisses, just to have my wings ripped off, be thrown in a cage and degraded daily? What have I done to deserve this? And please to whomever allocates punishment in this life… Please, no more. Just send me a man like an angel, who will never stop kissing me… Please. I want to feel loved. I want to feel worthy. Maybe I was always the problem after all. If so, how does one even begin to work on feeling worthy and deserving of love?

It’s been 6 weeks since I walked out on you, 6 weeks since I got into an Uber and knew I would never return to you. The nights are especially hard. What’s also hard is not understanding how I haven’t even heard from you… Not once… Did you ever really care? Oh you said that you did – to everything who would listen for just long enough to feel sorry for you. You said you would do anything for me… Anything! But you couldn’t stop shouting, you couldn’t stop hurting…me. The one person who was just trying to love the shit out of you.

So I’ve experienced this twice now: being in a situation where even hard work and dedication like no other doesn’t matter… The one time was with beee when the university refused to interview me for my own job because I wasn’t the right color, the other one was my marriage. Life is not fair honey, I can hear my psychologist say from far away… It’s just not…

You know I hate you, but I could never hurt you, not like you have hurt me honey. You’ve broken my soul, my spirit and my body. What my parents couldn’t properly do, you did it. You finished the job for them. It’s a filthy job but someone’s got to do it?

Sigh, I don’t even know why I’m writing this post for you. You never knew of my blog and you never listened to me anyway… It was all about you. I was blind. I have to forgive myself for that… For loving you tooooo way too much, and for loving me too little… For letting the emptiness inside of me define me and rule me. For all the times I didn’t say no. For all the lonely nights I put myself through. I am so sorry myself that you had to endure that, all because of me.

I’ll be stronger now I think. I will try my hardest to health your wounds or at least understand them so we don’t fall into a trap like this ever again.. I will protect you. I will say no for you. I will choose the people around you carefully because I love you. But first we are going to kick that corona viruses ass. We are going to get better together, then we are going to choose better together, because you (me) we I am worth it.

So over the weekend I created and launched the #coloring4covid campaign, I continued to raise birdie (the Indian Myna chick I found on the lawn), I continued to support my family and friends…and yet… I feel like I did a lot over the weekend but today I woke up with such a migraine… And as I sat by the computer this morning I had to choose – give up and go to bed or suck it up and keep going.. Guilt is such a powerful emotion… It is able to strip us of all dignity… Needless to say I spent the day holding my head and attempting not to throw up too much in bed.. And I feel like shit for it… I feel that I should be working harder, I should be wanting to work harder, I should stop spending so much time on myself doing things I like.. But is that really me? Or is that the collective voices of all the narcissists (that I seem to attract like flies) in my head pretending to be me? Oh gosh and the nausea is back and I just ate… I think perhaps (from writing these ramblings) that I should attempt to be a little bit less hard on myself, maybe accept the fact that I am sick and human at the same time… Maybe I can even work out a realistic way to spend time on the things that I enjoy spending my time on… I’m such a naturally tortured soul though… Not sure most of the time if there is any hope for me… That is why it was good to have him… He kept me sane, alive, grounded, gave me someone and something to live for… And then he started taking those things away… Like a serial killer suffocating his victim slowly over time because he enjoys watching the suffering… I loved him so much. I would’ve never left him… If I didn’t have to… It wasn’t physically safe to stay with him anymore… I really hope I can become someone worth living for for myself, but until then I feel so lonely. I feel so hopeless, empty, like life has lost its color and meaning. I need to get over it. I need to find more color…

By the way if you’d like to download the free printable adult therapeutic coloring pages I created to deal with my divorce you can find them here: coloring4covid.wordpress.com

If you’d like to enable me to create more coloring pages like this for you you can visit patreon.com/coloring4covid

All proceeds from the project I’m donating to those who have lost their ability to generate income due to the lockdown due to the Covid19 pandemic… Send me your colored works. Would love to see them. Hugs, my friends. Thanks for being here once again to help me survive another lonely night. I hope that wherever you are as go are reading this you are safe and you know that you are enough.

If I open up to you…

Like I never ever really do…

Could you heal me from the inside out?

And if you could….

Does that mean you would?

And if you could not…

Would you still try?

Please?

And back to embracing the positive white horse side of me… After my previous super sulky post I realised that I needed attention – and badly…and that I had the power/ the ability to give myself that attention. So I googled one of the main issues I identified from my sulky ramblings… and I found this absolutely inspiring and beautiful person:

And I listened to her. I can relate to the lack of identity and lack of motivation she is describing…and I think maybe this is part of what I’m struggling with. So I made some notes on her advice and I’m posting it here so it doesn’t become just one more thing that I’ve forgotten, because I tend to forget things…

So here it is… (A summary – her advice, my words (paraphrased)) – Sometimes I feel like I’m not even a person at all. How are you supposed to know what you want if you don’t know yourself at all? A sense of self takes years and years to build. Especially when you have literally no foundation to start off on -you find yourself, a young adult or an older adult even, and you have no idea who you are and nothing to work with. You have to build yourself from scratch, every time, and you are never certain if this self is the authentic one… This is the definition of fear. At this point you have to give yourself a reason to get better. If you do one thing for yourself – you have to create a life worth living (for you). Connect with people with similar interests. Get inspired. Do things that make you happy. If you don’t know what makes you hapyy, observe yourself, study yourself, what are you naturally inclined to doing?What makes you happy? What makes you feel ‘not sad’? Do more of that. Figure out what makes you happy and then work towards goals in those areas. Do it for you. Get help. Love yourself, because you have to, because if you don’t you’ll continue hating yourself and although that feels comfortable to you, it also feels really shit doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather feel some self-love for a change? Just try it. It helps to vent. Remember, that this is hard, and that is okay. You’re going to be okay.