It hurts

It hurts. I like to be alone when I hurt. Lick my wounds in silence, because monsters can smell weakness and they live all around us.

“Its only a thought and a thought can be changed,” says Louise Hay.

My tendency to isolate is problematic. My tendency to ignore my emotions and keep myself out of touch with myself is even more so. But who wants to write about every single memory? Who wants to remember anyway? Who wants to bleed if bleeding isn’t necessarily necessary? Or maybe it is. Who knows. All I know is that I miss him. I miss his eyes. I miss his lips. I miss his breath. I miss his skin. I miss his kisses. And then I think I never had much of that at all the past few years… It was like being divorced whilst being married, being together, but worlds apart. That hurt.

I still wonder, sometimes, why I miss him and then I wonder why it didn’t work out. Why couldn’t he just… Why couldn’t I just… Why couldn’t we just… Why couldn’t the world just… It was supposed to be a fairytale, happily ever after, forever after. And then forever ended before it was time and now I’m left with…painful memories of a life that would’ve been everything.

How do I even begin to forget this hurt? How long will it hurt? How often? What am I supposed to do to work through it? Please someone, anyone just tell me what to do, because I always know, but this time I don’t.

Pain

It starts slow

not like a flood

like a constant dripping tap

maybe like oil

maybe black

it leaks into my heart

until it fills the insides of it

to the brim

and before I know

I’m drowning from whithin

Watch the video/ audio blog on Youtube over here:

The moon and the scars

Listen to Video Blog Entry on Youtube:

The moon and the scars

shines the light on her scars

She would’ve been embarassed before,

but that’s not the case anymore

Maybe its because of him

Maybe its because of her

Maybe its because of time

As we all know that time heals…

And we all know that feelings feel…

uncomfortable

most of the time

Slip-knotted slip rhyme

But the moon on her skin

lights her path from within

touches the rose of her lips

all the way down to the tips

I was with him last night

I’m by myself tonight

In the sunlight

Everything seems different though

And the stars

fell from her eyes

And the moon from her skin

As she cried, as she broke, as she spilled

from within

Maybe everything

was never supposed to be

Everything at all

Its been 4 months

Its been about 4 months since I walked away from my first kiss, forever love, now ex-husband… And it has hurt. I’m not gonna lie. I still crinch when I think of all the pain I still have to deal with. And to be honest I haven’t been coping in the healthies of ways…

I’ve had many men over…but I’m not getting what I need…I never do. They just become names and faces that blur into a blurry past with the rest of my thoughts that I’m too afraid to face. Being vulnerable is really daunting. But I think I might be strong enough. I hope so.

Anyway, I’m taking a break from men for awhile as I can actually notice that its affecting me negatively. I’m starting to feel…I guess, the need to protect myself? Is that good or bad? I am not sure, but I’m done with just using and being used… I’m ready to attempt to take care of myself. Don’t hold your breath.

And then I found the strenght to…

So its been a pretty rough ride the past couple of weeks -not gonna lie. And today I think it just all came crashing down when it started sinking in… And its such a lonely space to be in… It feels like no one will ever understand your pain and your pain will never heal and everything is hopeless… Which is where I am once again reminded how thankful I actually am for this blog…

Yes, I can write down all my depressing stories, bleed on these pages through poetry and write about my less than ideal situation and feelings, but I can also be reminded that life is full of ups and downs and that I’ve always made it again in the past – why would this time be any different? I can look through my wall of wisdom, my compliment corner, my motivation mirror and take heart…once more… Just once more… So I can live to fight another day. Which is why I am proud of me for contributing to my wall of wisdom today, even after everything… I’m still here and I’m still breathing…

From Broken Heart Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder by Dr. Daniel Fox

Even if they say nothing else, at least let them say that I never gave up…

Ariel Hopewhispers

I LOST MYSELF AGAIN

Help.

I lost myself

Inside myself

Again

And its so hard to remember

Me

Who is that even

and does it matter

Do not let me be

but let me go

and lets see

if I’ll ever know

myself ever again

See when I was with him

He was there

I had someone to serve

Someone to stand by

believe in

support

Build a life around

A home

And now?

Now he is gone

and me with him

An empty shell

A person I don’t know

A life I don’t want to live

So much confusion

Is what I am left with

And I’m scared

I’m so scared

to be honest

I’m to scared to think

or live or breathe

more than one breathe at a time

Yet I wonder,

How I wonder

Who the hell am I?

Again???

This is how an angel falls

The tears run down her face. She makes no sound.

Like blood flowing freely from an open wound.

So do the tears flow from her eyes.

Her laugh is silent.

Although these days she hardly ever laughs like she used to.

The wolves have all but stayed…

Eating her up from the inside out.

Like a candle that burns brightly, flickering through the night

When it burns too violently, it will soon burn out

Engulfed.

By the dark.

The darkness lives inside her.

Like a nightmare, like a spider

Like a something that was never

and was never meant to be.

Loneliness is her company

no matter how many people she sees

because her heart has gone a bit fridget

a bit broken,

A bit unhinged

Slightly crazy

Not always all there

She cannot remember

A time that she really cared

Not anymore

The hands of men have burnt scars on her body

The tongues of women have left just as many

Its her soul that’s at risk here

Its her heart that cries over spilt milk

Its her everything

and nothing at all

This nothingness

This is how an angel falls.

This poem was inspired by me listening to one of my new favorite songs during the period in which I was waiting on my divorce to be finalised…

Little girl lost 30 years later

Last night I found half a bottle of tequila…so I drank half of it, whilst chatting to a friend on video call. It was fun. Although I did end up masturbating on video for the first time ever. Was an interesting night. This morning I was on a video call for a soft launch of a magazine I’m being featured in. I hosted the event together with the about 13 other mentors… It was fun, but early!!!

Today I put on make up for the first time after the divorce…and dressed properly in corporate clothing (well atleast the top parts of me that could be seen on the video!). It was nice, but no matter how far this goes I’ll always remember not to take life too seriously… If we were meant to take this seriously we would be given better instructions…

Did you know that Louise Hay says that the people in our lives are mirrors of ourselves? The people you love, reflect the aspects that you love about yourself to you. The people you dislike reflects the parts of yourself that still needs to heal… I am willing to consider this thought.

I feel like I’ve never been this confused and I’ve never seen this clearly. Perhaps the sky is blue? Perhaps I’m just looking through a lookingglass. I’m not sure, but I’m having the time of my life. I think. I’m not sure… I really do hope this works out for my small business though. If I can just finally be successful in business…just once…that will be so fantastic. I mean I’m pretty sure it will. I have an excellent team behind me. I’m so thankful for them. Entrepreneurship in Covid times are hard though.

And…this week my opinion on relationships is that I do want one…but it needs to be a fairytale. And I’m not going to look for it actively. If it happens while I’m living life it happens… And I guess if I’m meant to age alone I can be okay with that too… It’s just gonna be a bit different than I imagined…. It would be so nice though…to find a man to love. Just like that perfect warm and cozy love in which more love grows… I would love to experience that, but I won’t obsess about that – it just messes with ones judgement.

Perhaps I could find some more love for myself within myself first… I still struggle with that, but today I actually let myself rest when I got tired even though I was high on adrenaline and had a million things to do and was completely anxious enough to keep going through the night. I didn’t… Instead I put on “Somewhere only we know” and I danced like I never quit ballet way back when. It was really nice.

After dancing I stopped to do some yoga for text neck by Adrienne. That was also really good. Then I wanted to just close my eyes and fall asleep, but I sense a sad little lost girl inside of me…just standing there, inside a white cold passage inside my heart, just staring at me…So much sadness… So much hurt… So much loneliness… No little girl should’ve ever had to experience that…but I did.

I can remember being about 3 years old (I wasn’t going to school yet) and enduring these EXTREME episodes of SEVERE loneliness. I did not know what it meant back then. I did not even know that what I was feeling was loneliness. I thought I was sick…nauseaos… So I would sit by the toilet…praying that I could throw up so I could just feel a little better… Crying because I knew I wouldn’t…. Its her… That lost little girl is still sad somehow. And I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t know how to fix it.. For once in my life.

I cannot tell her that she will be loved one day. I cannot tell her that her parents will start noticing her. I cannot tell her that she will have so much safety and so much hugs and so much attention for the rest of her life that she will never ever even remember how it feels to feel like this. I cannot tell her that because I would be lying, but I have to tell her something. What do I do?

Every emotion starts as a thought

Every emotion starts as a thought. All you have to do to change the emotion is to reframe the thought. Easy. Is what they lady on the youtube video said… Sure… Easy. You go through a divorce with a husband that now hates you while you’re being pushed and pulled to step up as a leader in your own business and all you want to do is hide your face in a frozen lake, have it frozen stiff and never show anything but a frostbitten mask to the world ever again…

Sigh, I’m being overdramatic again, but hear me out… Last night I was happily pushing and working until much later than I usually would. And ofcourse I got tired and ofcourse that wasn’t the problem. I’m used to working hard. But when I got into bed afterwards… OH MY GOODNESS… It felt like a stonecold hand had reached inside of my chest and was twisting my heart. I couldn’t breathe. Whomever said emotions aren’t physically painful was an idiot. This hurt! I felt such a need for my husband… just a need to be loved, to be worthy of love…but so intensely…and I just started crying…and it was so lonely…and I felt so desperate…

And the sun came out this morning but last night… Last night it felt like it was never going to ever rise again. You know when you’re desperately trying to sign up for some kind of divorce coaching course and online therapy at midnight at night and the website tells you that it doesn’t want you to sign up because you’re WAY past the point where that would help… Yeah, that was me last night. That is how you find out what your soul is really made of. I saw inside of myself last night and it scared the shit out of me.

I wonder how many more nights like this I’ll endure in this lifetime still?

And then the sun rose way too quickly this morning and I was angry…because I was hurt… I guess anger is a natural response to hurt… Well I was so angry I worked like a demon… I have something to fight, or nothing to lose now…I’m not sure which one is true, but it felt good to throw all that negative energy into a fire of work and work and work and work…

And now its night again… Please God just let me fall asleep soundly… I don’t want nightmares tonight. I just want just a little bit of rest. If its not to much to ask just a tiny little bit of peace. Please.

Amen.

Listening to ASMR from Frivolousfox tonight… My mom used to sing me asleep when I was very very small… It’s one of my only fond memories of being small… Its a sad kind of comfort.